Song: "When Anger Shows" by the Editors. Represents what happens when he is anger/when he loses his control of his emotions, especially after Jolie's death and the anger he feels then.

One of the worst things an elf can experience is guilt. Me? I have plenty.

I admit, I've been reckless with my ability countless of times. I've been like that ever since I manifested. At first, I didn't take the Mesmer thing seriously. When I was young, I did stupid things with the ability, making the other kids slap themselves or make them do a dumb dance or something like that. Soon, hardly any of them trusted me.

And then I grew up. 

I met Edaline after getting her as one of my matches. We were deeply in love and I proposed to her after being with each other for only a few years. Her parents would often jokingly say that I Mesmered Edaline into marrying me. It made me angry for them to think that I would ever do such a thing to Edaline, much less use my ability on her.

Years after we married, we had Jolie. She was the light of our lives. She was incredibly smart, and she had Edaline's bright turquoise eyes. When she got around the age to manifest, Edaline and I were worried that Jolie could become a Mesmer. When she turned out to be a Conjurer, we were both relieved. Jolie had such a bright future.

And then Brant had to go and ruin it all. He had to kill my daughter.

That's one thing I'm not fully guilty about, making Brant burn his own hand off. He's lucky I didn't make him suffer the same fate that Jolie did. I could've done it. But . . .

It wouldn't be what Jolie wanted.

When we learned that Jolie died, Edaline and I weren't the same and still aren't the same since. We closed ourselves off from the world. If we needed things, we sent others to get them. We missed our nephew's I.D. day. The only time we would truly go out was to get a charm for Jolie's charm bracelet, then we would go to the Wanderling Woods, dressed in our finest green clothing.

It was Alden's idea to have Sophie come and live with us. He didn't push it, but he tried to convince us the best he could. We agreed, and it was one of the best things we ever did.

Sophie was a breath of fresh air. Here was this young blonde girl clutching a blue elephant tightly in her arms coming into our lives. She looked scared and confused when we had first seen it. It's amazing how grown up she is now.

The thing is, we weren't with Sophie that long and yet, it felt like I had known her all my life. It was as if she was our own.

One of my worst regrets was almost canceling Sophie's adoption. Edaline and I felt that we weren't fit to parent Sophie after a while. We loved her, so, so much, but we kept doubting ourselves. I remember Sophie choosing between us and the Vackers. I wanted her so desperately to pick us, but at the time, I didn't think she would. But I am so glad that she did.

Living with Sophie and being her parent is tough. When the Black Swan or the Council or whatever want her to do something that can be dangerous, part of me wants to hold her tight and forbid her from doing anything of the sort. But the other part of me knows that sometimes, I just have to let Sophie go. Afterall, some things she was just simply made to do.

At times, I wish I was an Empath like That Boy. Maybe I'd understand Sophie better.

Speaking of That Boy . . .

Look, Keefe Sencen is . . .

How do I say this?

He's not Fitz Vacker, nor is he Dex.

He's a troublemaker, and he doesn't have a great family. I have to admit that he's incredibly intelligent when he wants to be. But That Boy cares, especially for our Sophie. And I don't need to be an Empath to tell that she feels the same way.

That B- Keefe-  may have hurt our daughter emotiotionally, but he did it for her own protection, and no matter how much I wanted to punch him afterwards, I knew he made a smart decision in the end. He put Sophie before himself, and stayed in the Neverseen to help her and her friends.

You don't meet a boy like that every century.

Of course, I've been wanting Sophie to show an interest in Dex for a while now. He's been bullied so much and being around her makes him happy for once. But, of course, I can't force feelings on either of them. (Well, I kind of can, but let's just ignore that).

And of course, I can't forget Fitz Vacker. He's the perfect boy for anyone really. He gets it from Alden mostly, though he gets the good looks from Della. (Don't tell Alden I said that). He cares for Sophie too, but he can have some issues with his emotions. He gets that from Alden. Though it is a problem with most Telepaths. With Sophie, it's even worse because she can use those emotions and inflict them on people. One of my biggest fears now is that she might turn out to be like me if the emotions get strong.

Inflicting and Mesmering are very similar but also kind of different. Inflicting deals more with emotions while Mesmering can only lightly affect the emotions, focusing more on the physical body. But either way, both are very powerful. If you put the both together . . .

I'd rather not think about it.

I'm still full of anger and guilt. I still want to use my ability for bad things at times. But I'm trying to control it, and trying is better than nothing.

*

You probably weren't expecting a Grady chapter, were you? It was really interesting to write this, especially from more of an adult persepective, but, I think I did okay.

Enjoy, ~Kirs.