I scrubbed at my skin, hoping I could rinse away my sins, but no matter how much I scrubbed, how red and irritated my skin became, I felt no different.

I don't think I can ever go back to my life before this.

Besides wanting to avoid going to jail, I wanted to avoid my parents as well.

How could I ever even think to look the both of them in the eyes after I killed my sister, their only other living child? They've already lost one child, so how could I tell them that they've lost another now too?

My sister and I used to have an older brother, but he died when we were young, and it was my fault then, too.

I was never a strong swimmer, but the river water looked so clear that day, so... tempting. Something just pulled my body towards it, an unknown force, like the water was calling out to me, begging me to just dip my toes in. It was so hot that day and I could feel the sweat rolling down my neck.

Just putting my feet in couldn't hurt right?

I slipped off my shoes, then my socks, and inched closer to the water. My skin was practically begging to feel the cool relief of a cold stream.

I stepped into the water, submerging myself only up to my ankles at first, but the water was like a lullaby for my skin, and I wanted nothing more than to sink in closer and let it soothe my aching body. So, without even thinking about it, I waded more and more into the water, letting the current guide me further and further away from the trees.

Fun fact: if a current is strong enough, it can knock someone off their feet even if the water is only up to their mid-calves.

I must have gone too far into the water, because that's exactly what happened. I realized much too late that the force of the water was too strong and before I could turn back, the current swept me off my feet. I barely had time to let out a scream before I was pulled under.

Later, my sister told me that my brother had come running the second he heard me scream. He jumped into the water without a moments hesitation and swam after me, trying to grab hold of me and pull me out of the river.

I learned something I'll never forget that day:
If someone is drowning, the last thing you should do is try to pull them up yourself, because they will only pull you down under with them.

And that's exactly what I did.

I lunged for my brother and latched onto him as hard as I could, and then I pushed him down, using him as a human ladder to climb out of the water, my lungs burning and begging for air, the only thought in my mind being to get out through any means necessary.

Between the force of the water and my pushing, my brother went under. I was able to make it to the surface and gulp down the air I so desperately needed, but my brother had been knocked against something and left unconscious, leaving him unable to even try to save himself.

As I was pulling myself out of what now felt like bitter icy cold water, relieved that my life hadn't yet been cut short, my brother was living the last of his.

It took them two days to find his body and my sister and I weren't allowed to go out into the woods to play alone after that.

The house was silent for weeks.

I knew it was because they were all mad at me. Mad that I killed my brother when he was only trying to save me. Mad that they had to live with someone as terrible as me. Mad that it wasn't me instead.

After a while, I got it into my head that the only way I could atone was by dying myself.

How unfair was it that I got to live, to walk this Earth, after I made a stupid decision, but my brother, who only wanted to help, would never be here again?

He believed in the afterlife, we used to talk about it a lot. Our parents were super religious but he never felt attached to their God, yet he still thought there was something after death.

"When you die, you don't have to be scared, I'll be there waiting for you in whatever comes next. I'll help guide you in the right direction."

Wherever he was, I was sure that would never happen now. My brother must absolutely hate me. He will probably spend all of eternity never finding it in himself to forgive me, and I would deserve it too.

I wouldn't forgive me either.

———

"A life for a life," I whispered to myself, holding a bottle in one hand, and a pile of pills in the other.

I had never wanted to go out like that before, without saying goodbye. I always thought that if I killed myself,  Id leave behind some poetic parting words, a note to say farewell.

But he didn't get to say goodbye, so why should I?

Just as I was finishing up my thoughts, the door opened and my aunt walked in.

"Everyone is downstairs, we wanted to talk with you- (y/n)? What are you doing with those pills? Were you... were you going to take those?"

"No.. I- I.. I don't know...," I answered, putting the bottle down and staring at the pills in my hand.

My aunt took the pills from me and left the room.

We never spoke about it again.

I used to wonder if the reason that she never told anyone was because she secretly wished she hadn't caught me, that she only took the pills away because she felt she  had a moral obligation to. She knew if she saw me about to take them and didn't do anything, someone would find out and blame my death on her.     But deep down, maybe she wished she'd never have walked through that door, that I would have just taken the pills and done everyone a favor.

———

I gasped for air as my body jerked awake.

I quickly scanned the area around me and realized I was still at the stream where I ran after being attacked. I must have dozed off at some point.

The memories I relived stayed fresh in my mind even after waking up.

Memories, how interesting they were.

Sometimes I wished I could just forget everything, let go from the past and move on, but other times I overwhelmed myself wondering if I had forgotten something important. What memories have I lost to time and space? Who have I forgotten? What was I missing?

I sighed and stood up, attempting to brush off the grass and dirt that stuck to my clothes.

"I can never go back to that life before," I whispered, taking in a deep breath and looking at the landscape around me.

"It's time to start a new one."

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Yes I appeared out of nowhere and updated a chapter of my least popular book rather than updating the one everyone is begging to see more of :D Sue me. (jk i love you guys i promise).