Ash' POV

I followed her into the house. Too much in a state of shock to do much of anything else. I watched as she greeted a woman with a small boy in her arms, no older than seven.

"Thanks Jean... Has he been good?"

"Wonderful as always Bonnie... I'm sorry to bring him back sooner than we'd arranged, but he dropped off to sleep about half an hour ago."

"Oh it's not a problem." She carefully took the sleeping child in her own arms. "I'll get him to bed... Thanks again for today."

What the fuck is happening.

She laid the boy on the sofa shortly after seeing 'Jean' out. And whilst she was gently brushing his hair from out of his face, it clicked.

And fuck, did it click hard.

I looked from his brown unruly hair, to his naturally cheeky face, and dimpled cheeks. And it was at the realisation that I had to sit down to stop myself from dropping to my knees.

Bonnie spoke softly not to wake him. Her face was a picture of worry. A worry of judgement from my part.

"I'm taking you already figured out who this is."

And I took a breath. In. Out. In. Out.

"Gary has a son?"

"Ash... Meet Gary."

"You named him after his dad?"

"I did."

And Gary would be the most fantastic Dad in the world to this little boy. He would paint the stars in the sky for him. I know this. I know this in my bones. And the revelation was both a beautiful masterpiece and a travesty.

"Did you tell him?"

I hadn't noticed she was crying. And in no way was she trying to hide it.

"No... I didn't."

My hand went to my head, an automatic reaction to the migraine I could feel settling into my skull.

"Fuck, Bon... Fucking hell."

"He'd already decided he was leaving..."

"And you seriously don't think he would have stayed if he knew?"

And maybe it was a harsh question. And quite probably a question she'd asked herself a million times.

"I was scared Ash."

"I don't even know where to begin processing this Bonnie... How old is he?"

"Six."

"Six?"

"He'll be seven soon."

"Have you told him about his Dad? About Gary?"

She shut her eyes then. And I soon learned, it was from shame. She couldn't look me in the eye when she told me.

"All I've told him, is that his Dad lives in a different country."

And I rubbed my face in my hands, because this whole thing was just too much.

"Are you fucking serious?"

"What else was I supposed to do?"

"Well, definitely not that."

I realised I was being too hard on her the moment her crying turned to sobs. And it was an automatic reaction to immediately pull her into a hug.

"This is so, so fucked up Bon."

"I know that."

I put my hand on the side of her face, and forced her gaze onto mine,

"But you need to tell him."

"I will... I'm just not ready yet."

....

"Hello?"

"Missing me yet?"

"Of course not."

"Oh, I'm sure."

"How's your trip?"

"I don't even know where to start Se."

"You said you were going to see and old friend... Was that 'old friend' Gary by any chance?"

"Why?"

"Because I haven't heard from the prick in seven years... And I'd like to know why actually."

"It was Bonnie."

"Who was Bonnie?"

"The old friend I was going to see."

"As in Gary's ex girlfriend Bonnie?"

"The one and only."

"Oh, I see."

And I absently smiled at the tone of her voice.

"Are you jealous?"

"Don't be so ridiculous."

"You're definitely jealous."

"If you want to believe I'm jealous, then you go right ahead."

"Serena."

"Yes?"

"You're adorable."

"That is a compliment strictly reserved for cats, dogs, other small fury creatures... Not your... Erm... Friend."

"Cats, dogs, hamsters, you... So, friend huh?"

"Please don't fixate on that."

"Oh, I'm going to fixate on that."

"Women like to be called beautiful Ash... Sexy... And sometimes even hot... Never adorable."

"Yes, yes, you're all of those things... And just my friend as it seems."

"Oh, I'm sorry... Do you not want to be my friend?"

"That depends."

"On?"

"With or without benefits."

"Definitely without."

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to pass."

"Dickhead."

"Bitch."

"Bitch?... Oh, you'll regret that."

"Will I?"

"You most certainly will."

"Don't threaten me with a good time Serena. It's counterproductive."

"You're counterproductive."

"Is that seriously your comeback?"

"I believe it as good as any."

"Then you definitely lose this round of verbal tennis."

"Is that a game we apparently play?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about."

"I'm clueless."

"I know you keep score."

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Must be about 12 points to you, and 14 to me by now right?"

"You're a strange little man."

"And you're a sore loser Serena."

"And it's 13 to me, and 14 to you... Get it right at least."

"I knew it."

"Your smugness is radiating through the phone."

"And your adorableness is tainting all of my smug aura."

And she laughed, "I miss you."

"I miss my bed."

"You're such an arsehole."

"Then hang up... I dare you."

....

I stared the at the ceiling for majority of the night. Fixating on the severity of this new information I was still yet to process.

And I guess, it was it fitting in a way. One last giant head fuck to comprehend in the travesty that became my life.

In reality, we can never really know the way things will turn out in the end. We can never predict the rise and fall of what we perceieve to be normal. And maybe normalcy is simply an idea that, as human beings, we cling to. We cling to it to diminish uncertainty. Because uncertainty paves way to confusion. And confusion can obliterate the happiest of lives.

It's a constant, bone crushing, and soul destroying struggle. It's the first domino at the beginning of an intricate pattern that was knocked down too early. It causes a chain reaction. A butterfly effect.

This caused that. Then that caused this.

And it spirals, down, down, down.

Until the final piece falls with a resounding clatter. The here and now. And it's raw. And it's real. And it is the embodiment of perplexity.

And frankly? I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing.

......

"Took you long enough to come here Baby Bear."

"Well, as it turns out, I don't have the balls I once had."

"Turning soft at your old age?"

"Why do people the same age as me insist on calling me old?"

He shrugged, "Pecking order."

"So, I'm still at the bottom?"

"You never climbed to the top."

"No... that place was strictly reserved for you."

"I'm always willing to share."

"Is that so?"

"Y'know... My food. My drink. My home..My drugs... My girlfriend."

"Must you bring that up?"

"You tell me."

"She wasn't your girlfriend when it happened."

"No, but you thought she was."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you wouldn't have accepted that."

"Accepted what?"

"If you had known I'd chosen you over Bonnie... What would you have done?"

"I would have left."

"You would have left."

"Because choosing me over the woman you loved was fucking stupid."

"Not when it meant I didn't have to lose you."

"You broke her heart Gary."

"Maybe I did."

"How can you say that like its nothing?"

"I told her from the start that I'd be the worst decision she made."

"But you let her fall in love with you anyway."

"Because sometimes in life Ash we can't always get the thing that we want most in the world... So, we get lost within the lie we tell ourselves... And then one day, you may even start to believe it... We start to live it."

"It wasn't her you wanted to be with?"

"It never was."

"Then why were you?"

"Because nothing great was ever accomplished without making sacrifices."

"Never sacrifice your own happiness for someone elses... You taught me that."

"Do as I say... Not as I do... You'll turn out much happier."

"What even is happiness?... Really?"

"I think it's that stage you reach where it doesn't take you half an hour to get out of bed. Because you aren't riddled with anxiety about what will inevitably go wrong that day... Or when you don't spend days going through every preposition with a fine toothed comb, looking for the way you're going to be exploited in that moment."

"So, when you have enough faith that you aren't going to get fucked over?"

He shrugged, "Maybe... Maybe not... Or perhaps it's having the willingness to let go of the things that continually make you sad."

"Easier said than done."

"Where's that Ketchum courage?"

"Oh, that died a long, long time ago."

"Yeah? Well, maybe it's time to find it again."