"Do you love doing... that?"

"Hm?" Amelie smiled without showing her teeth.

"Serving Him... on another level. Do you like it? Hindi ka na babalik sa... pagiging normal?"

She chuckled.

"What do you mean? I am normal. This is normal. And yes, I love doing this."

"Do you think... you finally found your purpose in this world?"

The urge to hug her is getting stronger and stronger by the second that passes. I want to hug her and cry to her about everything. All my worries. All these sleepless nights. The things in my head. Everything.

"Hm... oo. My purpose in this life is to serve God wholeheartedly."

How can you smile like that when I'm hurting, Amelie?

"How do you do that?"

"Ang alin?" she calmly asked, just like how she used to when we were together.

"Smile."

"Ah. Everything is so peaceful when you have a good heart. You find peace with yourself and you get to see life differently."

I cleared my throat when it started to hurt. It seems like there's a lump stuck in there.

"Why did you decided to become a nun?"

Umayos siya ng upo at muling ngumiti. Ngiti na nagsasabing... kuntento na siya sa buhay niya.

"I was in an accident. I woke up in the hospital a week after. And believe me or not... I was able to talk with my deceased grandparents whom I love the most in this world. Akala ko dadalhin na nila ako, but they said I still have a lot of commitments in this life. Hindi ito second chance in life... this is the continuation of what I have before." She smiled. "Dito ako dinala ng puso ko. Sa kumbento."

I was just staring at her, completely lost, even when I felt my tears escaping from my eyes. Ang ganda talaga. At ang inosente tingnan. I loved this girl... and I will continue to love this girl in silence.

"Don't you think you want to travel the world? Seek opportunities? You're still young."

"Hm, I'm still young. Pero ito ang gusto ng puso ko. At ang sabi ng parents ko, registered nurse rin daw ako. In time, I will remember what I have forgotten, at baka kasali ka rin do'n. Kasali ka 'di ba? Kasi hindi ka pupunta rito para kausapin ako tungkol sa naging desisyon ko kung hindi kita kilala dati."

I sobbed. One after another. Hanggang sa hindi ko namalayang umiiyak na pala ako ng sobra-sobra. I cried even louder when Amelie embraced me. Her familiar scent entered my nostrils.

"I don't know what you're going through right now but you're going to be okay. You will be okay."

Only if you knew, Amelie.

"Life seems very simple, but it has deep meaning in it. Life is more than just... life itself. It is full of unexpected things. When you least expect something, that is when it will work out."

I always think about regrets. The regrets of not taking the risk. And the regrets of doing it even after knowing its risks.

I went home with renewed purpose in life. Tama si Amelie, you get to see life differently if you have a good heart. If you let go of the things that's holding you back. Understanding that life doesn't end when you're at your lowest. Because life is more than just... life itself.

"I'm flying to Sao Paulo tomorrow."

The dining table was filled with silence. Wala ni isa ang nagsalita nang sabihin ko iyon.

"Kailan ka babalik?" si dad.

"I'll be back when I'm done there. I have renewed goals."

Krono's face brightened.

"Tama. Nakita ko siyang nagsusulat ng bucket list. Things to do before I die."

"Binuklat mo ang notebook ko? You punk!"

"Huwag magulo sa hapag kainan," mom calmly said.

I could only shot at death glare at my brother. Hindi mapirmi ang kamay.

"What's the first in your list?" Keeno asked.

"Travel..."

Hinintay nila ang iba ko pang sasabihin. I chuckled and continued.

"With family."

Mahal pa rin kita, Amelie. Pero hahanapin ko rin kung para saan talaga ako. Kung ano talaga ang purpose ko sa mundo.

"Alright then! We will wait for you and then we'll go travel. Saan ba 'yan? Outside of the country ba?" masiglang tanong ni dad.

"Local muna, dad. Let's visit tourist attractions together as family. Matagal-tagal na rin mula no'ng nag-travel tayong lahat."

"I can't believe I'm hearing all this from you. Congratulations, bro." Keeno patted my shoulders.

Everyone stayed at the living room after dinner. This feels like I'm back in high school. Back when we are still living together in this house. Magmula nang mag-college kasi ay nagdesisyon na tumira nalang sa mas malapit sa school. More convenient even if you have car.

"Heart check. Kaya pa ba, anak?" Mom whispered.

"Of course, mommy. I am still in total shock but I know I'll get through this."

I felt her hand gently combing my hair.

"You've grown into a fine young man. I did not really realize it until she came."

She continued combing my hair. Bahagyang lumapit ako sa kaniya at inihilig ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat.

"The pain that you feel right now may turn to motivation. Trying to accomplish something, even if it's unsure, is always the best thing to do."

I've never felt so at ease like this when I entered adulthood. I tried distancing myself to prove that I am independent.

"Thank you, Mommy." I sincerely whispered, enough for her to hear.

Hindi pwedeng marinig ni Keeno at Krono dahil hindi na naman ako titigilan ng dalawang iyon. I was never vocal about how I feel. I grew up having them dependent on me. Na dati, tingin nila sa akin superhero.

Even until today, I want them to view me like that.

We ended the whole afternoon watching a movie. The next day, I found myself dressed up in front of the church. I decided to visit Amelie one last time before flying to another country again.

"Hi, baby. Do you mind giving this to Sister Amelie?"

Sa likod ng kumbento ay may mga batang naglalaro.

"Pero wala pa po rito si Sister, kuya."

"Hm. Pero pwede mo ba 'tong ibigay sa kaniya mamaya? Kapag nandito na siya?"

The child actively nodded. I smiled and patted his head. Tinanaw ko ang iba pang batang naglalaro bago tumalikod at iwanan ang lahat sa lugar kung saan una kaming nagtagpo.

To Amelie,

Hi. I am writing this letter to let you know that I have been reflecting with myself. I am happy to have found that you are also happy with the path that you have chosen to pursue.

I saw you again months after we are forcefully separated by... certain factors. I still go to church every friday, saturday, and sunday because I thought about you a lot and I pray for you a lot.

I used to ask Him to let me see you again. Be it in my dreams or hallucinations. I longed for your absence. Whenever I stare at the stars, I couldn't help but think that you're staring at them too.

Thank you for letting me experience how to be loved. For bringing the biggest lesson I would always look back. I will forever cherish the moments we shared. Please take care of yourself.

I have a lot to say. But I will end this letter by telling you that I will bring with me, wherever I go, the thought that you are the one destined for me.

I still see you in everything I love.

Everything was void... until there was you, Amelie.

With all my love,
Kit.

THE END