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NOTE:
I hope you enjoy this chapter and if so don't forget to vote, comment, and share. College and life is picking up, but I will try my best to continue to update. Also I'm working on a HFWG update.

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1 1 | Until There Was You

The first thing Jude acknowledged when he walked into the house was the loud music and the group of chain smokers drowning the sofa with their wisps of smoke. The smell burned his nose and he nearly coughed up a lung at the contact. He squinted to make out his surroundings but came to no avail. The only thing Jude was truly aware of was Waverly pulling on his arm, and where Lincoln had been leading them.

He coughed several more times until everything was as clear as glass and he was in an entirely different room. The nicotine smell stained his clothes. He wanted to curse under his breath at Waverly's suggestion to attend the party, and because he decided to come along in the first place.

His eyes skimmed over the tight hallway they squeezed through until Lincoln led them into the kitchen with Waverly grasping the beer case in her other hand—the one that wasn't holding onto Jude. There were a lot of familiar and unfamiliar people in the kitchen, but that didn't faze Jude as they circled him with congratulations. There was one guy, Jude knew as Ezra who whooped and hollered Jude's name for the victory they recently received. Jude gave a soft smile and looked to Waverly who found a seat on top of the counter with a freshly opened beer in hand. She received a few looks but she responded with her signature eye roll and an equally intimidating middle finger.

"Have a beer," Ezra insisted, pushing a beer in front of Jude's chest. "You deserve it."

"Nah, I think I'll pass," he responded, waving the cold bottle away from him. Ezra shrugged and decided to chug it himself, getting whoops and hollers from the crowd as he chugged the drink. Jude laughed silently and found an open seat next to Waverly.

"This is definitely a huge disappointment," Waverly admitted, looking at Jude with lidded eyes.

"Wanna get out of here?" Jude asked, watching as people entered and exited the kitchen. The music faded out, playing in the background a few rooms away from where they were. Jude could hear it tapping against the walls and he watched people dance awkwardly to the beat, while he wavered in the background. He cringed as the rap song boomed and kids shifted their limbs. Those were the people who didn't care who saw them dance. Jude tapped his fingers instead.

"We just got here," Waverly reminded, then she jumped off the counter and placed her beer in her spot. "Let's play a little game of truth or dare. Just you and me."

Jude raised an eyebrow, slinging one of his arms over the counter while facing Waverly. "Truth or dare?"

"Yeah, unless you're not up for it," she challenged and Jude tried with difficulty to decipher her motives under the suggestion. He skimmed the room once more and found that Lincoln was no longer present—maybe in another room getting laid, or in the living room chatting up his other friends. He was gone just like that. Jude wondered if playing this game would make their presence at the party more entertaining. He hadn't agreed yet, but still Waverly continued to talk. "I dare you to stand on top of this counter."

"I don't think that's how the game works."

"Then where's the fun in it?" She questioned. "It's my version of it. Come on, do it. It's a dare."

Jude skimmed the room again and swallowed. He waited a little while longer and finally realized that the party wasn't getting any less boring. He placed his fingertips at the edge of the counter and pushed himself onto it. He stood on it, unbalanced at first, and his head almost hit the ceiling. When several faces turned in his direction his face turned as red as the solo cups surrounding him, but in a way it made things more interesting. Waverly laughed to herself while she looked up at him. Jude looked around with hunched shoulders and felt he was embarrassing himself as long as he was up there, until he was comfortable enough standing up there.

"You can come down now," Waverly said with a devilish smile. Jude got down before anyone else could see him. "There's no dare without a truth."

Jude let out a sigh and looked at the entrance of the kitchen. When Bridget entered, Jude averted his gaze. That had to mean Beverly was not too far away, maybe in a different room waiting and skimming her surroundings too. Jude's pulse throbbed. His heart skipped, and he almost missed what Waverly had asked alongside him.

"Give an honest answer," she told him.

He nodded and tried to block Bridget out.

"Would you take your old life back if you could?" she asked.

Jude turned and looked at her with his head turned slightly. She gazed back at him with her penetrating eyes. Cosmic and elusive. It wasn't a hard question but it took Jude some time to answer it. "I wish I could say I never wished for it back, but then I'd be lying. I realize how fucked up my life really is. Then and now."

He paused for a moment. Although the life he had now wasn't bad and his previous life was desired, he still felt like he belonged in neither. Then, "I don't want this life or the other. I just want a new life."

He stared ahead for a while before he recovered himself.

"My turn," he recalled. In response, Waverly gave a small little grin that was almost missed.

He wasn't able to give her his dare because moments after, Beverly entered the kitchen with Seth. Jude groaned under his breath and clenched his jaw. The party was meant for their victory, yet there Seth was attending the party like it was meant for him. Seth did nothing to contribute to that win for the most part. It was all Jude. He deserved all the attention he was getting, yet Seth was receiving just as much. Waverly turned in the direction where he was looking and grabbed her bottle again. She started tracing the wet droplets on the bottle, making patterns out of the blotched substance. Jude wondered if it had been because she was bored, or if she was trying to distract herself. Jude stared at Waverly, who looked past him, taking a sip of her beer. She looked unfazed. Jude concluded the latter.

He wished he had that demeanor—the kind that didn't give a fuck because he'd been judged too many times before. Jude watched as Seth looked at Beverly. The distance between Jude and Beverly was so far apart yet so close in a way. He wished that she was in another room again. Before Jude could blink Beverly was walking toward him with crossed arms.

"Jude, can I talk to you alone? Please."

There was nothing to talk about, Jude wanted to say. What could she possibly have to say? Nothing that Jude hadn't known already, but the look that laced her face—that precious look filled with eagerness—made Jude want to agree even when he was trying to forget about her. He looked to Waverly who was leaning against the counter, talking to Ezra and Lincoln, who somehow appeared without Jude noticing. She probably hadn't noticed that Beverly made her way over to them. Jude wanted to say no, but his gut wouldn't let him. He couldn't. Not when it came to her. It was sad, really. He believed he had made so much progress, unloving her and all, but still she had him. Jude hated that. He hated it so fucking much.

Beverly took this as an answer and turned around with Jude following after her. Seth was no longer in the kitchen either. He was as gone and out of sight as Lincoln was minutes into the party. Jude swallowed as Beverly led them into an empty, dark room. The moonlight trickled onto the floor, shining over Beverly and her features. Beverly ran her hands over her dress multiple times and he watched her do the action. Confusingly, she refused to meet Jude's eyes.

"Can you sit down for this?" She asked and he did. He sat at the edge of the bed with his hands interlaced between his legs. He watched as Beverly paced and finally stopped, biting her lip. Jude watched the action and continued to wait. "Jude, I need you more than ever now. I need you to know that whatever happens you'll always be there."

"Beverly, what the hell are you talking about?"

His patience was thinning out as she closed her eyes, her head tilted toward the ceiling. Jude was confused, trying to decipher what it could have been that made her behave so oddly. His chest hurt and he began to worry. He feared what she'd say next. He didn't want her to speak anymore. He wanted to avoid all of it, whatever it may have been. It was already too late.

He was too far in the conversation and he knew that after her previous words there was no going back. The curiosity began to eat him up inside, biting his insides and pinching his skin. There was a sour taste in his mouth, the kind that felt like the night Waverly forced him to try that sour straw with that soda. He remembered the way his face turned sour and how his taste buds tinged in disagreement.

Jude's hands turned clammy. He decided to let her have her way then, and there had to be a reason. There must have been a different reason why she had been spitting gibberish and attaching herself to him. Jude had tried so hard to convince himself that she didn't love him the way he loved her. But maybe he had been wrong. Maybe, there was more behind it and he hadn't seen it. There he was again, giving her more excuses; it was just another reason to go back to her. Then, she spoke with a cracked voice. Jude hung onto every word.

"Jude, I'm pregnant," she whispered out and tear drops started falling from her eyes. She didn't wait for his reaction and suddenly she was crumbling. Jude widened his eyes and watched as the girl he once loved collapsed into nothing. He watched as her life crumbled and deprived Beverly of everything she had worked for. He wanted to reach out and touch her and hold her, telling her that everything would be alright. He watched as she sobbed. He had been too awestruck to move a muscle even though he wanted to. Then, he clenched his jaw and balled his fists.

"Who's the father?"

It was one question but it could change so many things. Jude made sure the words came out slow and understandable. They felt like fire on his tongue when he asked, burning him up inside. Beverly looked up at Jude with watery eyes and it made Jude's features distort.

"Jude, I'm two months into the pregnancy," she told him and Jude furrowed his eyebrows. His heart was out of control and he wasn't quite sure what that meant until she continued to speak. "You're the father."

The news was like multiple stabs to his stomach, each one harder and more painful than the one prior to it. The world flipped. He couldn't look at Beverly and he blamed himself for being the one who messed up her life and his. Really, he didn't understand. He remembered wearing a condom, or Beverly mentioning she was on birth control. Maybe, he had it all wrong. He bit the inside of his cheek and put his head in his hands, contemplating on all the consequences that came with it. For crying out loud he was going to be a father. He was still in high school and it seemed so hard to believe so. What if his parents found out? The school? Beverly's parent's? His coach? There was so much at stake.

"Does Seth know?" Jude asked, not meeting Beverly's gaze. Jude hated that he had to ask, and if Jude really was the father, he wondered, why had Beverly cheated. Suddenly, he had so many questions.

"He's the only other person that knows," Beverly confirmed and something caught in Jude's throat. His dove irises settled on Beverly's figure and he found himself getting up and wrapping his arms around her. This had been his fault.

"I'm sorry," he whispered against her hair. She smelled the same, of course, and Jude hadn't realized he missed this but he also knew that he wasn't supposed to. "I'll do everything I can to help."

"I know you will," Beverly whispered as she looked up at Jude. "It's what I love about you."

Jude pulled back at that, placing his hands at his side.

"You don't get to say that, Beverly. You don't mean that and you know you never did. You threw away three years of our relationship to cheat on me with my best friend."

"That's exactly where you're wrong, Jude—"

"Then, tell me why you cheated," he demanded, cutting Beverly off.

"Was I not good enough for you?" His eyes roamed her face in desperation and he found himself becoming vulnerable. He wanted to touch her, to feel what he once had. If he just lifted his hand and...

"Jude," was all she said, watching as his hand began to rise then settle back at his side.

"No, don't give me that. I want the fucking truth," he stated and something in his voice increased. He was getting triggered from one word. Her saying his name and not giving an explanation.

Beverly swallowed and crossed her arms, looking at Jude's chest. She was much smaller than him.

"Okay. I'll tell you the truth. The truth is I wasn't a good girlfriend. I wasn't the perfect girl you played me out to be, Jude. I messed up. I am a mess," she said, whispering the last part.

Waverly's words came to mind and he said, "We're all a little bit ruined, Bev. I didn't care about that stuff. I only wanted you."

"You did care, Jude. You cared about the attention. You cared about the judgements. You cared about all of it. That was once your life—at the peak of everyone's attention. In everyone's eyes you weren't flawed and you loved it. I did too, and I guess it caught up with me. Being in the limelight does that to you," she laughed at the last part. "It makes you feel superior until you realize you're not good enough. Now, look at me. I lost you for good and now I'm pregnant."

"I don't understand, why are you still with him?"

"Because I know I don't have you anymore and I hate loneliness," she admitted with hopeless eyes, and there was something about the way she said it. It seemed like she was spitting lies, blinding him with it.

"You don't have to put up with him, you know. It just doesn't make any sense to me," Jude uttered silently. He brushed past Beverly, going to the door but she stopped him. He felt a pair of arms encircling his waist and the feeling made his stomach clench. He closed his eyes and they stayed silent like that for a good five minutes before Jude sighed.

"I have to go," he told her and she let go and Jude left the room, trying to tell himself not to turn back. When he exited he was met with reality; the stench of smoke and the fact that his ex-girlfriend had been pregnant with his baby. Jude took a deep breath but that was a bad idea because that musty odor filled his nostrils again.

He wanted to go home and lay in his bed, regretting it over and over again. He had never felt so reckless, not even when he experienced things with Waverly. The world continued to spin around him. When he made his way to the living room, he knew he couldn't leave Waverly at the party alone, especially since she was the one who suggested it. He saw her on the sofa, testing out a cigarette and choking her lungs out with regretful eyes. It was the first time he saw her regret something. Hesitation wasn't Waverly.

She handed the cigarette back to the girl who offered it. Jude watched the process unfold and he saw that Waverly finally noticed his presence and smiled.

"Lockhart," she called over and Jude looked back at where he came, then to Waverly. She was still coughing as she tripped over strangers' legs making her way over.

"Where you off to?" She asked. "You weren't going to leave, were you?"

Her words danced around him like fog. The only thing he could think about was Beverly's words and the fact that she had a human growing inside of her. Still, he kept blaming himself and if people found out. What was he going to do? What was she going to do? Why was Seth still with her if she knew she was pregnant with Jude's baby? If Jude had known...

"I just needed fresh air," he lied and Waverly nodded.

"Where'd you go?" She asked, looking at the door Jude was about to leave out of, then in the direction where he came. If Jude didn't know any better he would have assumed that she knew that something happened. There was no doubt she knew that Jude scurried off. She probably didn't know who Jude had left with. He wanted to keep it that way. Jude knew that if he told Waverly what happened it'd result in far more complicated things. So, he decided to lie. Again.

"Bathroom."

It felt so wrong lying to her when she had exposed him to so much of her truth. However, Jude knew that no one could ever really know all of Waverly. No one could keep a piece of her. Waverly gave Jude one last look before he turned and continued on his way.

"Still owe you a dare, Lockhart," Waverly pointed out when Jude had his hand on the cold handle of the door.

"I know," he said over the music and chattering people. "I haven't forgotten."

He wanted to force a smile but couldn't because a smile wouldn't fix what he had caused. Then, he was out the door. The wind hit him like a slap in the face. He noticed that the yard was surprisingly empty, and suddenly the night was resonating with him. He felt himself thinking and panicking. He couldn't stop thinking and finally he found himself breaking down. He couldn't stop thinking about Beverly. Or Seth. Or the football game. His mind was filling up with stress as he looked up at the sky, wishing it would fall down on him. He didn't know how to feel anymore. Everything was so conflicting. He wanted to feel sad, but that was for the weak. No one wanted to be weak. Survival of the fittest. He was reminded of that everyday. So, all he could really feel was anger. He was used to feeling that. It was easier.

Jude walked over to a nearby tree, noticing how it towered in height and his hands clenched into fists like the very day he had discovered the truth. Without thinking he lifted his fist and punched the tree with hardened eyes. Then, he continued to punch it until he couldn't anymore and felt the blood trickling from his knuckles. His fingers throbbed and flooded with rivers of blood.

Jude didn't feel it, he was too hypnotized by the sensation it caused—a distraction from what really affected him. All he could think about was what he would do next.

He slid down into the grass with the back of his head pressed against the tree bark. And finally he felt the aftermath of his decisions. When he looked up Waverly was there, looking at his bloody hand and his sunken figure.

"What the hell happened to you?" She asked with an unopened beer in her hand.

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TO BE CONTINUED

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