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IT'S finally settling in that he's leaving in a few days, and the sparkling apple cider bubbling in her stomach is making it all the worse for Maia.

Her love for New Year's celebrations has diminished over the years, with her viewing it as just another day but filled with the sounds of popping confetti and horns and banging pots coming together when the clock strikes twelve. Sometimes, in all the ruckus, there's also the occasional sound of shaking wallets filled with coins, since her parents still liked to believe in superstitions and that sort of stuff.

There's four minutes left until the new year comes in.

2024.

It, sort of, doesn't sound real.

And, neither do the text tones coming from her phone, because she already knows who it is without looking at the messages.

oscar 🙄
hey!

oscar 🙄
how's your new years so far? ☺️

There's a pit in her stomach that forms when she sees the emoji, and she knows why she feels that way, but she wishes she didn't.

maia
good :)

maia
how's your's going??

The feeling that she gets whenever she's with Oscar is something of a ticking time bomb, and its fuse stops burning when she realizes how happy she feels—but continues on when she realizes how happy she feels.

Maybe it's because she hasn't felt such a thing in so long. Maybe it's because she still isn't quite sure if he plans on staying this time.

But, it could also be that she's just scared.

Because, Oscar has been putting in the work, and she knows that his actions are true with good intentions and all.

But, again, she's probably just scared.

How does her brain do that?

Why does her brain do that?

She thought it would have been over by now; the creeping and clawing feeling of doubt, and yet, here it remained—on New Year's Day, no less. A day meant to celebrate new beginnings and new experiences.

She feels stuck.

Where is that feeling of butterflies in her stomach? The ones that made her feel good and bubbly like how she did on Christmas Day?

What happened to her feeling the good kind of sick?

oscar 🙄
it's been good, fighting to stay
awake since i've been so tired recently

oscar 🙄
jet lag is going to kill me when i head
back to the uk

Again, a pit in her stomach.

Maia can hear her parents on a WhatsApp call with her family members back in Vietnam, exchanging stories and words while she sits in front of the TV watching the countdown.

It's three minutes now, and she doesn't want this year to end.

Well, is it this year that she wants forever? Or, who she's been spending her recent days of the year with?

She's been trying to rationalize it all day, to remind herself that Oscar is not leaving he promised and why would he leave you again you're being dramatic and you also don't even need him in the first place so why is this worrying you so bad-

Maia puts her glass of cider down on the table of her living room with a sigh, typing up a swift message in response to Oscar's own.

maia
i'll miss hanging out w u

It's small.

Dry.

But, it's the truth, one that she's been disregarding for a few weeks now, and she's never taken herself as someone who doesn't like to confront the truth (or, at least that's what she likes to say.)

oscar 🙄
😱😱

oscar 🙄
can i screenshot that for proof
that you said it to me?

maia
don't let it get to your head weirdo 😒

She says that only because it's already gotten to her head, so she'll think about it enough for the both of them; feel it enough for the both of them too.

Maia hasn't really given it much thought, but she's never had a lover before. In this vast world and all the lives she's lived: on the screen, in the classrooms, on the red carpets, and walking down the line of shops at the shopping center near her university.

She's always just been her.

Just been Maia Hoang, with no one holding her hand.

She didn't mean to be so touchy with Oscar back on the beach, didn't think about it when she laughed so hard it made her take a step back because what is she doing?

And yet.

And yet, and yet, he pushed through.

He had been for a while, scratching at the walls Maia had put up with a plastic spoon to finally chip its pieces off and get through.

Two minutes now.

She lets a shaky breath out as she looks away from the TV.

oscar 🙄
alright alright whatever you say

oscar 🙄
i'll talk to you in a bit, gonna
hang out with my family :)

maia
okie

maia
talk to you next year?

oscar 🙄
horrible joke

oscar 🙄
(yes, of course)

Of course.

Why can't it sound real? Why can't she accept that he means everything in his words and in his actions?

He's not going anywhere.

Oscar isn't leaving her.

Because, he's not the weird, flirty, douchebag of a teenager she knew back when they were kids. He's sweet, kind, reassuring and someone good to keep around; so there's no chance, no shot of him leaving her again like how he did all those years ago.

But, God, does the thumping in her chest make her feel like he's up to something.

Surely, something's wrong with her, in her brain, that's making her feel this way, the fact that she wants to stop avoiding this but she just can't help it has to be something that isn't common.

It's got to be a Maia-Only problem, and it is killing her, bit by bit, brick by brick.

One minute.

Time doesn't stop for people who are dying though, even if she's just pulling metaphors out of the air to describe what she's feeling.

She's always done that, as someone who loved to dance around the truth with frilly and little descriptive words and similes to deal with what she feels.

She's just dramatic.

30 seconds.

Her parents finally walk into the living room, and when they do, they shove a video call with her Bá up in her face briefly, then change the camera to show the countdown on the television.

And when she forces a smile to form on her face, she realizes that she really, really needs to pour her sparkling cider down the drain before her anxiety gets any worse.

Happy New Year.

NOTES!

SO SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES i just finished state testing and i've also been practicing driving and a bunch of other stuff

much much shorter than what i'd like it to be, but i hope it's alright!! really dove deep into maia's attachment style in this one, which is something of a mix of anxious and avoidant-dismissive.

and, just to clarify, no, it's not just a maia thing. many people experience similar things to her, and i suggest doing some research in case you're curious about attachment styles and such :)

psychology is very cool !!

xoxo, cas