
Chapter 5
Chapter Five: The Portrait
Selin could feel her stomach growl. It was subtle enough to make her doubt herself but loud enough to break her concentration from the clock on the wall. She reached for the water bottle on her nightstand and took a long sip. She hoped it would be enough to postpone her trip to the kitchen. She closed her eyes, waiting for her hunger to pass. She took a deep breath before finally opening her eyes again, watched as the chandelier moved from side to side as songs whispered in her ear.
Her headphones still in place, she sat up on her bed and looked around her room. After staring at the clock for what seemed like hours, her room looked strange. As if something was misplaced but she couldn't put her finger on it.
She swung her thin legs to the sides of the bed and walked to the kitchen. She grabbed an apple from the table. On her way to the parlor, she thought about where to put the lights. It was a miracle Ravenna let her do that on her own.
If it was up to her, then her father wouldn't be marrying anyone. But she knew that that was a selfish thing to ask of him. And after the miscommunication earlier this week, she thought that she at least owed him this much. Pretend that she was ok with it by doing the bare minimum.
Her steps came to an end and as she knew, so did many things. She was reminded of that as she stood staring into the distance where the space above the fireplace was. She saw past the candles and decor that outlined the top of it. And focused on the unoccupied space in the wall. She always felt as if something was missing, but now she saw it. The missing chamber of her heavily guarded castle had vanished, even if it had many years ago. Frustrated, she curled her fingers into a fist and stormed off to her father's- no, soon to be their room, she told herself.
"You just had to, didn't you?"
Ravenna retreated from the vanity mirror and studied Selin for a moment before she crossed her arms. She took a step to where Selin stood near the door.
"Well, perhaps it's for the best," She shrugged, turning back to the mirror and taking off her earrings. She watched Selin from the corners of her eyes.
"It's not!" Selin shouted. "Nothing will ever be better if she's dead, and- and you're here!"
"Flesh and Bone," Ravenna sang, placing her earrings in a small box.
"What?" She asked out of genuine confusion. "Look, I don't know what you want, and I don't care either, but you can't touch my mom's things like that. Especially her portrait. Dad painted it himself. If you really cared about him, then you wouldn't have taken it down."
"That's quite rude, you know. Barging in and accusing a person of such diabolical things," Ravenna replied, casually waving around her hands like she was shooing away a fly. She didn't want to show it, but Ravenna was beginning to get irritated.
"Well, that's bullshit. Tell me where it is,"
"In Cebrail's office. Are we done here?" She put a hand on her hip.
Selin stared at her, trying to understand what it was about this woman that made her want to constantly scream. Ravenna wasn't shy. She stared back at her, waiting for Selin to turn around and leave. Was Selin that much of a threat that Ravenna didn't want to turn her back on her?
"Why did you do it?" Selin asked. She didn't expect Ravenna's answer to be true, Selin just wanted to see how she approached the question. It was like Ravenna's mind was the thousand-piece puzzle Selin desperately wanted to solve.
"Isn't it obvious? The party's today," Ravenna smiled smugly, but it was gone in a second. She was starting to enjoy this again.
"No. No, I think you're trying to kill her memory," Selin told her, raising a trembling finger to signal that she didn't want to be interrupted. "make it seem like she was never there, to begin with,"
"Oh, give me a break," Ravenna laughed darkly, "she's already dead! What's left to kill, Selin?"
"I... " Because really, where was she supposed to begin with? The threatening laugh, the prideful look in her eyes, the implication that her mom wouldn't flinch if she were stabbed, or the odd way Ravenna pronounced her name.
"Selin, dear," She began, pretending to look concerned, "I know this is hard and everything, but you need to stop making it all on you, ok? Do you think it's appropriate for my co-workers, friends, and family to see my fiance's dead wife hanging on the fireplace like some- I don't know, ghost? That's a bad omen, Selin. If you can't move on that's your problem, but your dad doesn't need a dead woman's portrait in his parlor during the beginning of a long, blissful life... with me."
"Excuse me?" That kind of logic wasn't very appealing to a girl on the verge of tears.
"It has been a year, Selin. It's time to move on," The mocking voice she used earlier was replaced by an uncomfortably low whisper. Selin almost thought she was being sincere.
"And?"
"You should get some help." She answered, folding her arms and leaning against her vanity mirror. She observed Selin and waited for whatever came next. But nothing came next. And Ravenna still didn't look away.
Selin wanted to say something. Anything, really. Just to not be the awkward, fidgeting person she was now.
"Is everything alright?" Selin flinched when she heard her father. She turned around and gave him a small smile. A finger in between her palm.
"It's perfect," Ravenna answered, walking past Selin and standing beside Cebrail, who raised a brow. After a quick peck on the cheek, she held his arm and looked at Selin. Her eyes had a shine to them and her bright red lips were curled in what seemed like an innocent smile. Cebrail looked from one to the other until he asked.
"And you?"
Selin blinked at him. She didn't want to take a long time to answer. That would make things worse. So she had to come up with something quick.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks,"
* * *
Everything her father did was a masquerade. He always had an interior truth to the exterior lie. So it was safe to say that this wasn't an exemption. Because she recognized most of these people. Her father introduced her to them a few years ago, hoping she would take over one day. So maybe this wasn't just a little home party where they publicly announced their engagement.
Their Islamic engagement happened a week after the proposal. The next day, they had the Betrothal ceremony in a church. Selin was obliged to come to both. It wasn't like she wanted to see them verbally commit to each other, but the cramping in her heart made her go. And it wasn't shame or obligation. Because her mother was Christian too. And maybe she went there to briefly imagine what it was like when her parents went to a Mosque and Church, asking to be wed on the spot. She heard that it wasn't hard. She only believed it when she saw it herself. Because wasn't love supposed to be complicated?
Selin took a sip from her glass only to realize that it was empty. She needed something else to distract herself with and her phone wouldn't make do. She glanced at her father, who was surrounded by people offering their blessings. Then she walked towards the dessert table, refilling her pomegranate juice and looking around to see if there was something else that looked appetizing. She stared at the sweets with a hand on her stomach, debating whether or not to take something. In the end, she couldn't get herself to touch anything. Even the apple she planned on eating earlier was thrown back to the basket in rage. She had to stop this. She was getting so thin.
Something made her look to where the Baklava was and a wave of emotions hit her. If she weren't exhausted from the cry earlier, she would have cried now. But all she did was smile sadly at the plate. Her father didn't eat sweets and she doubted Ravenna had suggested it. What made her smile was the fact that her father wanted to appreciate her mother by serving her favorite. It warmed her heart.
"Excuse me,"
Selin looked to her right and stepped away, even if there was enough distance between them. His voice sounded closer than it actually was. She watched him grab a cookie.
The boy didn't look much older than she was but he was taller. He had brown skin and coiled hair that fell on his forehead on some parts. His nose had a soft curve to it that Selin envied. He wore a buttoned up with short sleeves and pants that made Selin feel underdressed even if she was wearing one of the fanciest things she owned. And she wished she could ask him where he got his bracelet from.
She looked away from his bracelet when she heard him hum, his eyes observing the cookie. Did he bake? Maybe. He took a few and put them on his plate. He turned around- probably to have his friends try some. But upon looking up, he noticed and paused to look at her.
"Do you need something?" He asked.
"No, " Selin said; because she was getting used to lying.
He stared at her for a moment before he took out his hand for her to shake. She looked up at him in confusion. He only raised his brows.
"Selin Veli," That much wasn't a lie. She rubbed her palms on her skirt before she took his hand and lightly shook it.
"You're kinda cute,"
"Cute?" Coming from the most attractive-looking person in a room of mostly middle-aged people felt like the best compliment she's ever received. After all, she did spend the last thirty minutes staring at herself and hating the way her nose looked from the side.
"A bit creepy, but cute," He smiled, letting go. "I'm Darius Evens,"
"Nice,"
He chuckled. "Yeah, nice to meet you too,"
"So... friends?"
"Sure, but no hitting on me,''
"Why would I?" She wasn't joking. She wasn't attracted to guys.
"Wow. Rude," he replied, taking his phone from his pocket. Selin let it slide and unlocked her phone.
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