Chapter Fourteen: The Breakthrough

Janette had ignored Lily when she called her that night. She had been too busy counting the many drops from her bedroom's popcorn ceiling and lighting candles as cheap self-care rituals. Her father had thought something was burning, but upon discovering the sight, retreated without a word. He had heard Abina whisper to John about it yesterday. He had noticed it beforehand too. Carlos knew that Lily had something to do with it.

Lily always had something about her that unnerved him. She didn't take anything too seriously, at times he thought she worked too hard to prove that she didn't. It was hard on her to see just how eager she was at playing the role. She'd proved him wrong countless times, hardly acknowledging her triumphs. Why didn't she just let herself be?

Why wouldn't she let herself be seen, be felt, be understood? A part of Janette had guessed. Lily had never had someone close enough to confide in when she was going from home to home, seeking some kind of sanctuary. She had been used to this hiding, fidgeting, and lying. But it's almost been eight years since, so when exactly was the right time for her? Janette was growing impatient.

She wondered if she should be asking herself these questions instead. She thought so. But she couldn't possibly dare to. She'd been thinking of others, she realized, to ignore the deep desire embedded in her core for self-confrontation.

That talk with Jamila broke something in her. A box that governed a part of herself she had wished to hide, to ignore, to stuff inside a jar and toss to the sea. And it made her feel miserable. How could she have just said it all out loud for everyone, Jamila, the people outside their window, and the plants in their kitchen, to hear? How could she look at any of their faces ever again?

How had she let the strings that pulled her to and from fall to the ground in defeat? Let them scatter around the floor in whirlpools that were stuck and stretched and strangled.

Janette felt powerless over her being. She wasn't just overwhelmed as Jamila had guessed. If she had any strength, she would have gotten up this morning, put on her uniform, and walked to work to meet Lily there. She would apologize for ignoring her calls. For not indulging in conversation when they sat next to her at lunch on Friday. When they tried to lighten up her mood. She would also call Jamila and tell her the truth, not some stupid drug scandal she made up on the fly. She deserved the truth.

Because really, how many times was she going to lie for Lily's sake? No. That was a selfish thought. She shouldn't think like that.

Janette had to focus. She had to figure out what the next 'strong' thing to do was and go for it. She guessed it would be going to work even when her father had told her she didn't need to. So she got up, looked around the room for the strings that had fallen earlier and her checkered socks, and threw on a jean skirt over her tiny shorts. She tied her work apron over her shirt and headed out. She didn't bother to apply any sunscreen.

So she had the strings. She had herself. She could do this, she told herself. Janette could ask for an answer.

* * *

"It's good to have you back, Lily," Abina had said.

Lily walked toward the older woman behind the counter and sighed. She dropped her backpack on an empty stool.

"Yeah. I heard you were worried." It was more of a statement than anything.

"It was too quiet."

"Fair enough." Lily began to braid her hair to the side. "Say, Janette didn't come to work yesterday, right? Do you know if she's coming today? I want to talk to her."

Abina said that she hadn't seen Janette Thursday or Friday. The chances of Janette coming in for her Saturday morning shift were rather slim. But if there was a chance, Lily had gathered on her own, that if she were to come in today she'll be coming in with Carlos sometime in the afternoon.

So now, Lily was left to work alone. No slight gossipy comments or sly jokes or even the forbidden exchange of a pack of gum. Carlos made that a rule. He said it would be too rude to chew gum while speaking to customers. Janette had whispered some odd story about it during their lunch break. A lady laughed so loud she accidentally spit out her gum and landed on their water. That was when Carlos implemented the rule on the waitressing staff.

Lily loved hearing about Carlos because he was one of the people she couldn't read. He thought in mostly Spanish. It was like a game of guessing. It made her feel normal to guess the motion of his hands and the stiffness of his brown lips.

"I kind of want to know what's on his mind, too." Janette had told her once, playing with a leaf. They were lying in the park. It was autumn, and it was cold enough just to see the faint outline of their breaths in the air. "You should learn Spanish, then tell me about it. Does he like my helix piercing or is he just bluffing?"

"I'm not going to learn a whole new language just to know that bit. Besides, I like it the way it is. It feels normal, but not in a nervous kind of way." She sat up and stroked her hands through her hair, brushing the leaves out.

"How do you have an A in Spanish, then?"

"'Cause Alec was easy to cheat off of."

"You're going to burn in hell." Janette laughed.

"Well, jeez, don't say it like that."

"Hm."

Lily picked up the drinks and the slice of cake where Abina had left them on the counter. She almost bumped into Emil on her way, who was still cleaning up after his table. He apologized quickly, robbing her of the apology she intended. Lily settled for an awkward nod. He'd probably hate himself for it the whole day. He overthinks too much. It hurt her head sometimes.

The table she was catering to was the one farthest from the front entrance. It was close to where the bathrooms were. It was as if the middle-aged couple had tried to make it easier for their toddler to reach the bathroom in time. His cheeks had crumbs and his small, red hands were wet from the cloth his father used to wipe them off. The mom was typing something on her phone. She held it to ear a moment later. Something about a job interview.

"He reminds me of Adjo," Abina said after Lily had marched back to the counter.

Lily looked away from the family. "Your son? Really? This one looks too hyper."

"He's quiet, but he loves to move. He can't sit still and his feet are dangling underneath the table." She had whispered it to Lily like it was a secret of some kind. Too special to be spoken about in the open air.

Abina was divorced. She had three children whom she hadn't seen for almost two years. She wasn't financially stable enough to get full custody of her children, and her spouse had been a prick throughout the whole case. He'd used her suicide attempt against her. She missed her children. She thought about them a lot. Lily, who had never seen an actual photo of them, had memorized their features just by peering into Abina's chestnut eyes. They were skinny, big-eyed, children with shy smiles and rosy cheeks.

Of course, Abina had told her none of this. Lily had gathered it all from the pictures, scenes that Abina replayed when the job was slow and she'd catch her staring blankly at the window. So Lily didn't ask about anything. She hadn't even held the thing with John against her. Abina just wanted to look after someone. And somehow, Lily for the life of her couldn't guess, Abina had chosen Lily to care for. She was grateful. And somehow she found it ironic. Abina longed to give her love to a child. While Lily had longed for that same love from a parent. Maybe Abina had felt it too. How well the pieces fit.

Lily played with her fingers. "Are you worried about Janette? I mean, do you think she'll forgive me?'

Abina stared back at her. For a while, Lily thought she wouldn't say anything. It was hard to tell what Abina thought, too. Her mind just went blank sometimes.

"She's a tough girl."

"I know. That's why I'm worried she'd realize how much of a douche I am and ditch me."

Abina didn't respond. She filled the next cup with tea and then the next. Lily leaned off the counter and took them away. The young couple gave her a small tip. She tried to thank them with a smile, ignoring the urge to punch the boy, who thought the acne on her thighs was disgusting. She turned around, awkwardly pulling on her polyester shorts.

"Lily."

She paused, silently searching for the voice that called her name. It was soft and curious, testing the way the syllables sat on the tongue. It was Selin. She stood near the entrance, dressed in a black t-shirt and knee-length shorts. Her hair was in a low ponytail that exposed her bare, pierced ears. And her knees were sunkissed, almost matching the blush on her cheeks.

Lily thought Selin looked out of place. Like some kind of angel who had crossed the threshold and stepped foot into a new, foreign sort of land.

For a while, Lily hesitated to answer. Then Selin's gaze found hers and she smiled. She looked relieved to have found her. Lily tried to replicate it, pulling her cheeks upward until the top of her teeth showed. But she couldn't find it in her. Lily's heart was gradually pounding, building up to a climax she wished to avoid. She didn't say anything. She searched for answers in the others' eyes, wishing that it was just a fluke. That she could read the taller girl's mind.

"Lily," Selin said. It sounded good coming from her. It held a gentleness to it she wasn't used to. The swift beating of her heart had begun to soften. The climax was badly written.

"Selin, hey." Lily walked closer to the other girl until they were only a few feet apart. She waited for Selin to say something, rocking back and forth on her heels. Abina watched them from a distance, humming a soft tune that mimicked the one playing on the speakers.

"Can I talk to you right now? If that's ok."

Lily looked back at Abina, who quickly looked away. "Yeah. Sure. I think."

"Thank you."

Lily led her to a table and sat opposite her. She curled her hands together over the table, watching Selin play with the empty plastic cup. Lily found herself observing everything the other girl did, having to rely on only her senses. It didn't feel like a guessing game, like with Carlos or with Abina when she thought in Akan. It felt more serious. She still had no clue why she couldn't read Selin's mind. It wasn't like she wasn't thinking. She could see Selin struggling to find the right words.

Selin leaned forward, just slightly, and whispered, "You can't read my mind, can you?"