*ring ding dong*

5am in the morning.

I still have to attend my classes. Go on as if nothing happened.

My class is still 7am, if you still remember.

*sigh*

I prepared myself a cup of warm chocolate drink.

I miss the breakfast you always prepare for us.

Alone, I'm trying to review for my exams, while I still have time, sipping this chocolate drink.

The room looks so pale, Christmas is on its way already.

I'm already finished with everything I needed to do for this time, it's time to go to my classes.

But I don't know how long will this pain last

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm walking on the same pavement we used to walked together.

Holding our dear hands, especially during this cold days.

Little by little, the snow continues to fall.

It's freezing here

I missed the warmth you always give to me

And as always, school

I mean, dang, I forgot I'm already 23

But with you, maybe I can still embrace my younger self

I think my test went well, and I'm pretty sure I answered most of it correctly

*heh*

That supplementary test was really beneficial for me. As my other classmates have said, that's really a wonderful gift from our professor^^

But the school is really bad at dates, why did they set up a test right before Christmas, urgh that's really a literal Christmas gift lol, but the stress was worth it, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It feels so empty when you're not here

I'm constantly looking for you even though I know you wouldn't come back anymore

Days already passed, but I still don't feel ok

Abruptly leaving me here alone

Why all of the sudden

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey!"

I forgot what I was thinking when Alex tapped my shoulders.

"It's Christmas time already! Won't you buy decorations for your apartment?"

I know he's just trying to uplift my mood, I mean why not right?

*sigh*

"I'm not really good at these things :)"

A weak smile just appeared on my face, I'm really tired even though I've been already sleeping for days

"Come on, I'll help you and also treat you! =D"

And so he pulled me and together we walked inside the mall

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There's so many people inside

I mean, duh, it's a public place

But you're the only thing I'm always looking at before

And now you're not here anymore

"Maybe let's eat for a while, it's already 1pm"

I just nodded, maybe because I also feel hungry now hahaha

"I think the tests were so long, that's why we got out late already"

"Maybe?, Maybe we're just too slow answering the test, I mean it's pretty hard right?"

"Yeah, I actually had a tough time answering all of it"

We went to a food chain to eat

It's our favorite place to eat

I just stared outside of it as I let Alex walk in first

Observing the new designs and even the logo had changed

I mean change is constant, right?

I saw Alex panicked when he didn't noticed me

He hurriedly came to where am I and lightly punched me

"Dude, I'm already ordering and talking to a ghost, I thought you were beside me!"

I chuckled as we walked inside, I can also hear his sigh and it's just funny for me

After talking about what to order he made me wait on the table beside the gigantic window

It's our favorite spot too

As I gaze outside the window, memories are reoccurring again

I can't help but to silently cry, though tears aren't that visible to people here since I always wipe it even before it falls down

Silly

The snow continues to fall, people below are enjoying the snowfall

The cherry blossom trees are already white due to the amount of snow covering it

The skies aren't that bright, also not that dark, just blue

Christmas lights are scattered all around the streets, and people are busy taking pictures

*sigh*

"Hey, our food's already here"

"Wow?"

"I know right, I think they opened early and cooked most of their food, that's why their service were fast, also there's a lot of workforce there so yeah"

We chuckled and started to eat

This silence surrounding our spot feels weirdly comfortable

Maybe because we're eating, we don't actually talk a lot when eating

This spicy seafood ramen, I remembered that you introduced me this flavor, since I always go for a spicy beef ramen. I'm glad that I knew this.

I can't help but to look at his eyes.

I always feel that even though I don't talk that much he knows what I'm thinking, and he too respects my silence.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We got out the food chain and started to stroll around the mall, looking for affordable cute decorations, and maybe gifts

As we walk together, I feel dizzy for the amount of people I'm seeing walking in my way

It feels new to me, the cool breeze feels different, it feels strange

I don't know whether to shiver or to go to the bathroom or what, I just can't walk properly that I didn't noticed Alex stopped in front of me

"Are you ok?"

Doesn't he recognize how I'm feeling all the time?!

>.<

"I just felt dizzy"

I subtly excuse

He held my hand and pulled me inside the department store, where all stuffs; shirts, decorations, toys, furnitures and even cooking materials are there

I don't know why am I thinking too much

Or is it already too much just by thinking of you?

"Bro, if you're not feeling good, just tell me and we'll quickly buy necessary things and go home early"

"Well I just told you that I'm not really a fan of these stuffs, why do you care?"

I unexpectedly said those words to him

I know it might have been hurtful for him hearing those things

He stopped walking at the front of flowers and candles section, so I also stopped

He held my hand tightly and looked at me, where I'm on his side

"Because you're special to me, you're my bestfriend, dude for years!"

He chuckled as he said those words to me, and I know

I know

We both felt the cringe

I can't with this----

"I know it's been hard for you since she left you, as a big bro, I want to ease that pain in your heart, in your---"

He playfully poked my forehead and grinned

He pushed me for me to walk forward as he follows me behind

I awkwardly continued to walk while finding the decorations section, but since I can't handle this awkwardness anymore, I let him walk first,

But he also stopped jokingly

"What the heck Sam, we're 23 you idiot"

We laughed at each other and he walked beside me anyways so I feel good

Dang I feel gay

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We reached the decorations section and he just lets me pick whatever I want though I don't really know what to pick

It's been so long since we decorated our house

But I think he already felt frustrated with all of my indecisiveness so he just walked in front of me and picked whatever decorations he thinks it would fit my room

I mean, he's pretty good:^

At some point, I lose sight of him and my anxious ass started to panic so I went outside the counter, close to the exit, waiting for him

As I observe these discounted Christmas balls and flowers, it just feels so good remembering you while being confused what to put on our Christmas tree

After those trip down to memory lane, he finally showed up while holding an eco-friendly bag full of paper bags, probably the decorations

He lightly slapped my face and rant some shit again as we mindlessly walk to home

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We already arrived at my room, and we let ourselves rest on the sofa

As I close my eyes while resting my body, my mind keeps running thinking of you

I can feel my tears roll again on my cheeks when I was suddenly thrown a small decorative bag

"While you open that thing, I'll start moving my butt decorating this filthy, boring room. Just rest there, I'll take care of our Christmas"

After asking me what to eat, and after he ordered foods online, he left me on the sofa and picked up the bags of decorations

While sitting, I'm staring at the gift he gave to me.

I left the bag on the sofa and went to my room

After minutes, I got out of my room carrying a chest box

"Yo, what is that?"

"Obviously a box"

He rolled his eyes as I chuckled then sat on the sofa again

"Seriously what is that?"

He took a break and sat with me, curious of what's inside this thing

I carefully opened it and dusty polaroids is what we saw

I knew it

He picked one of our pictures and smiled

"You miss her so much right?"

I just silently observe the pictures as he look at our photos one by one

"I really, really miss her, I can't really move on" I blankly said

"I still remember her favorite perfume, her favorite food, the time I was crying, she was there listening to all my rants, her gentle smile and her warm hugs, everything about her"

And as I those words, my tears started to fall down, and he's just there, patting my back

"You know, life is really unfair, and things like this will always happen, we just need to be strong in our life, we also shouldn't forget to have genuine love for ourselves and others, also a wise mind, I'm sure she's laughing at you right now, you're being really cute"

I blushed a bit as he hysterically laughed at his cringey response and at me, he's really a jerk

"I'm sure she would want you to always be safe and live a happy life, so by New Year, you should already set goals for your future and keep that optimism and motivation"

I don't know whether to cry or to laugh to his heartfelt yet cringey response, but thanks to him, somehow I feel uplifted

The delivery man already arrived

"Hey Sam, let's eat now! I'm already hungry I can't wait till Christmas"

He can't wait even though there's 10 mins left till Christmas, anyways, I already feel hungry too

"Haven't you still opened my gift?"
- Alex ft. his puppy eyes lol

I hurriedly opened the gift and it's a watch, my favorite watch omg

"Remember that every time you feel lonely, feel sad or even happy I'll be always there for you and I'll always love you"

:3

"Merry Christmas bro!"

"Merry Christmas too!! Right I'm sorry if I keep calling you bro, it's just cute"

I hugged him and we ate foods exactly on Christmas

Merry Christmas Mom! Miss you and hoping to see you again! I wish we'll meet someday during spring