numb: (verb)
1. deprive of feelings or responsiveness

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My father died a few hours ago. They couldn't save him. After his first heart attack he had a second and his body no longer could keep up with the trauma that he was enduring.

All that drinking fucked with his body.

They told me about an hour ago and I've been in the hospital since. I saw the insides of the grieving room with light scented candles and motivational posters on the walls. They told me what happened to him but I could barely listen. Everything roared in my ears like lava.

They mention counselling and sessions I can attend to make my loss easier but I don't want any of that. I just want my life to get better now that I don't have to live in fear of a man that should have loved me.

He never loved me. He loathed me because I wasn't good enough.

But now he's dead. He's dead and I'm finally free of him.

I thought this moment would feel different to how I imagined it. Not necessarily throwing a street party for my sperm givers death but it's very bitter sweet. He's still my biological father even if he was an awful person who never wanted to accept me for who I am.

Although some people say blood doesn't mean family.

How can I class him as family when he treated me the way he did? I'll never understand why.

The doctor asks if there is anyone he can call so that I'm not alone but I know my mother isn't going to make it down quick enough to make this meeting. So I tell them not to bother and that I can deal with this myself.

I'm not sure if he was expecting me to cry for my father but my eyes are as dry as the desert. I doubt I'll ever cry again for that man and that's a relief to the system, I almost smile.

Fuck. This is so fucked up.

When I exit the hospital I loiter outside and decide to give my mother a ring. She'll probably appreciate knowing her abusive ex-husband is now dead and that her son is all alone and has no idea what to do with himself.

I wait as the line rings out, almost cutting off at the last second but she picks up. Slowly, I explain everything that happened to dad, she tells me that she'll be on the first plane or train down. Whatever is the quickest, I don't even protest because I haven't seen her in a couple of years.

Maybe seeing her might make me feel something. Anything. I'm tired of feeling this numb and dehumanised. What the fuck has that man done to me?

Even now after his death, I still feel useless.

I sit on the same bench Ash found me a couple of days ago. My phone still lays between my hands until I build up the courage to finally ring him after all of this. He answers on the first ring, I didn't expect anything less.

"Bodi?"

"He's dead."

The line is silent for a second and I rest my head in my hands. How else should I put it? There is no sugar coating this shit. It is what it is. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead.

"Do you want me to come to the hospital?" His tone drops gently.

A hand fists my hair until I'm tugging at the strands, teeth grinding against my jaw. "I don't know what to do now."

Ash inhales slowly. "I want to be there for you but if you need time alone. I get it."

My head shakes instantly. "I don't want to be alone." I shudder.

Alone.

That is the last thing I want to be.

"I'll see you soon then, okay?" His voice instantly soothes me.

He's coming. I suck in a breath. "Okay."

"I love you."

Those three words have my eyes stinging, I clench them together and lean onto my knees with my elbows.

"I love you too." I whisper before cutting off the call.

Time goes by slowly, or does it go quickly? I have no idea. Time is just an illusion at this point because people are whizzing by and I can barely look at their faces or catch the ghost of their conversations.

Nothing is registering because I've realised that now everything will change.

Everything.

I'm in my mind about everything for what feels like an eternity until Ash arrives. I glance up and notice that his cheeks are flushed red, he ran here. Of course. I wouldn't expect anything less from him.

Before I even have the chance to stand up, his arms are wrapped around me in a supportive hug. I bury my head into his neck and inhale the beautiful scent of his hoodie, that comforting smell that makes me feel like I'm at home.

Ash doesn't let go until I do. He grips my face with his warm hands as I pull back, he examines me and I realise he doesn't know what to say. What is there to say?

In fact I don't want him to say anything. I just want him to be here with me.

We stand and start walking. I'm not sure where we are going but I hope it's somewhere that allows me time to think and not become overwhelmed. As long as Ash is there, I'm sure I'll be okay.

I can see Ash's house in the distance and knowing we're going to his home doesn't make me feel any specific way. Should it? I'm still numb as fuck and I have no idea when I'll start to feel normal again.

Even the thought of going back to my house, standing in that awful shell of a place that was meant to protect me. Without him it'll feel strange. I bet I'll still be worried he'll come bundling through the front door drunk even though I know he's gone.

Ash guides me through his house and urges me to sit down on the kitchen stool. I barely register that his mother is in the same room as us. I presume Ash told her what happened because she doesn't look at me like I'm rude.

When Ash perches beside me he takes my hand and offers me a drink but I decline. I watch when he frowns and soon Ash's mum prepares us lunch with rolls, cheeses, olives and other funky items I've never seen before.

Then his mum makes herself scarce before I can even thank her. Now I feel like a fucking jackass.

"Hey," Ash gives me a little nudge and I glance up at him. "You should eat. I know you've been at the hospital a lot."

I nod and glance down at the food. None of it seems appetising right now. I don't want to eat but I know I should. So I pick at the olives, I take some cheese and a tiny roll.

Ash studies me but looks away when I catch him staring. I know he's worried, he probably has no idea what to do but I'm just grateful that he's here with me.

I couldn't stand being alone.

When I've eaten something, Ash takes me up to his room and we cuddle beneath his sheets. I'm tucked under his chin and cradled like a baby, he drags his hands down the centre of my spine to soothe me.

My eyes flutter shut and I'm not sure if I manage to fall asleep but I could lay here forever.

Ash presses kisses to my forehead every few moments, hugging me tighter and continuing to swirl patterns across my skin.

I can hear my phone buzz on the bedside table, when I don't instantly move to look who's calling, Ash does it for me. My eyes study his face as he reads the screen. "It's your mum," he comments.

My head nods after a few moments and I sit up to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, my love. My cab is just getting into town. Where shall we meet?"

I press my back into the headboard and hold a hand to my forehead. "Urm..." I trail off, my brain isn't working like the way I want it to right now. "I don't know, mum. I–"

"Is there a Costa or something in town? We could meet there."

"Sure," I strain because I can't be bothered to go back and forth. "I'll be there in like twenty."

"Okay, see you soon Bodi."

I swipe the covers from my body. Ash scoots to the edge of the bed. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No," I shake my head. "I should probably go alone."

"Okay," he stands.

I put my shoes on at the door and Ash gives me a sweet kiss on the lips. God I needed that. "I'll be here, alright?" He tilts my chin slowly.

"Yeah," I rasp.

My body turns away from him and I walk to town. Suddenly I'm feeling isolated and lonely but I know I have to talk to my mother alone. So I pick up my pace and when I reach the coffee shop, I spot my mothers familiar curly brown hair in the window.

Her eyes catch mine and she shoots up from her seat. It's been too long. She engulfs me into a big hug, one that speaks a thousand words and nothing at the same time. I think she's crying because she's beginning to sniffle but I don't want to look at her face in case it sets me off too.

She orders me a coffee and we sit at the window, although I wish we didn't because I didn't want people to see me in this state.

I explain what happened to dad in the simplest of terms, mum holds my hand the whole time.

"What's going to happen now?"

"What do you mean, baby?" Her face crumbles.

I suck in a sharp breath. "With the house, with where I'm going to live. Everything. I don't have enough money to move out but I don't want to move to Scotland to be away from Ash."

"Ash?"

"He's my boyfriend."

My mothers expression barely flinches, if anything it softens. "You don't have to move to Scotland."

"But I won't have enough money to pay for the rest of the mortgage on the house."

"Then we can sell it and you can take the money to do whatever you need with it," her calming voice has me blinking back my tears.

I open my mouth. "What?"

"I know that your father still left the house in his will for me," she clears her throat gently. "Unless he changed it but I doubt he did. We can help to get it sold and you can find a new little house or flat for yourself, so you can still be here with Ash."

"Really?" My face crumbles into pure emotion.

My mothers lips stretch into a smile. "Yes of course," she cups my face and brushes away my tears with her thumb. "I should have been there for you more, Bodi. Especially after everything that happened with your probation and court. I'm sorry for not doing my job as your mother."

"I wanted you to be here more," I admit through a harsh whisper. "I needed you."

I hate that this makes tears swell in her eyes but it's the truth. I needed her at a time when I felt my lowest. Everyone needs their mother at some point in their life and mine was then.

"I will make it up to you, I promise," she swallows back a sob. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm going to visit more along with Henry. We're both going to make more of an effort, more time for you. I promise things are going to change."

My head falls forward and my mother stands from her chair, looping around the table. When her arms collapse around me I relax into her touch, she might mean what she says but I know I'll have to see it before I believe it.

I know why she never came to visit much. My father. But now he's gone, things might be different.

"I love you so much, Bodi," she whispers into my hair. "I will never let you down again."

My hand clasps around her hand and I squeeze my eyes shut. "Please don't," I whisper pathetically until we're both crying silent tears. "I need you more than ever."

✣

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Author's Note

Mannnn, this chapter has me absolutely sobbing

HE'S DEAD GUYS. HE'S FUCKING DEAD.

The way that Ash silently and subtly supports Bodi is everything to me, sometimes words don't need to be spoken. Just actions and affection.🥹😭🥰💘🫶

What do we think about his conversation with his mother?

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