love: (noun)
1. an intense feeling of deep affection

✣

When I get home my mother is preparing dinner in the kitchen, she tells me to sit down and I obey. She prepares a tuna salad and a couple of plates before she perches beside me. I stare at her and she's holding my hand tightly.

"Mum, what's going on?"

"Dad told me."

"About what?" I narrow my eyes in confusion.

I watch as my mother inhales sharply. "About your relationship with modelling."

My mouth opens and I chew my lip. "Oh."

"He told me that you're feeling a little trapped, that I've been pushing you too far and you don't enjoy going to castings or doing the jobs anymore," her face falls with discomfort to herself. "And I guess I'm sorry for forcing this on to you. Dad said that you said you don't enjoy doing it anymore because of the unneeded pressure from me."

I clear my throat, nodding at her words. "I've felt like this for a long time."

Her lips fold into a frown. "I'm so sorry I never listened, I'm sorry I just took control and didn't give you a chance to sit down with me and decide what castings you wanted to do."

"All I wanted was a bit of freedom, to choose which brands to work with, do some different shots, take some risks and change things up." I admit. "It gets very tedious at some points and my mental health wasn't great for a while. My anxiety used to be sky high at some of these castings and I don't think you even noticed."

Tears rim my mothers eyes. "I am so sorry, Ash," she leans forward to wrap her arms around my shoulders. "I should have been listening, I should have been seeing but I ignored it all for my own benefit and that is so incredibly selfish and I am so deeply sorry for making you feel like that."

"At one point I thought I would be done forever," I sigh and look down at the salad on the counter. "It just made me feel like shit."

"Then let me take a step back," she removes her hand from mine and holds them up in defence. "If you still think there is a chance for you to enjoy it, I will give you the freedom to explore these opportunities by yourself. You're incredible at what you do, Ash. But if you're happy doing it, I could only imagine how well you could succeed."

My head nods back at her. "Yeah," I breathe slowly. "I think some time to myself, a chance to book things myself and without the stress of constant castings. I might get back to loving it like I used to, it was a good passion of mine. But when it became yours instead, I just lost everything."

"And I get that." She agrees. "I just want to give you the space you need to get back to loving. And if you decide that you don't love it anymore, then that's also fine. I'm sure you can find something you love to do, you're so young, Ash. You've got so much ahead of you."

Without even registering what I'm doing, I lean forward to give my mother a hug. I can't remember the last time we hugged because we spent the majority of our time arguing and shouting at one another.

"I almost lost you and I'm so sorry for everything," she clutches onto me tighter. "I hate knowing that our relationship was rocky before your accident, it shouldn't have put things into perspective for me but it did and I'm sorry for being controlling and not listening to you. I would have never forgiven myself if something happened to you and I knew how you felt about me interfering with your career."

I squeeze her impossibly tighter and force the pressure behind my eyes to subside. "I'm sorry for how I've acted too," I nod and rest my head against her shoulder. "I'm sorry for shouting at you, I'm sorry for saying nasty things. We're both as bad as each other."

My mother pulls back slowly and cups the side of my face. "Well I'm glad we can start again with a clean slate," her head tilts slowly, brushing her thumb over my cheek. "But one thing, you can definitely dye your hair back to brown now."

A laugh rumbles from my chest. "You didn't like the blonde?"

"Not as much as I love you natural," she pushes her hand through my growing hair slowly.

"Agreed."

She pulls back and urges me to dig into my dinner, we both begin to eat because I have been starving all day. "So tell me more about Bodi, I had no idea you had a boyfriend."

I scoop up some of my food with a fork before placing it in my mouth. "We met before our probation placement at a party and small world that we ended up as partners," I tell her. "We got close and now we're official."

"It's obvious how much he cares about you," her face softens. "At the hospital, the way he looked at you and held you. It made my heart so warm and I'm so pleased you have found that with someone who puts your needs first."

My lips stretch into a bright smile because I know that Bodi cares, he cares a lot.

"You not even mad that he's my probation partner?"

"I trust you have good judgement of people. On probation or not. You're on probation but I know you're not a danger to other people or society," she offers me a supportive smile. "I'm trying this thing where I don't judge the first piece of information. I stop and think."

"Wow," I almost choke on my tuna. "What on Earth have you done to my mother?"

She puffs out her chest and nods. "She's changing because she almost lost her son, physically and emotionally. And I never want to go through something like that again."

"Well let's start fresh," I say. "Put all of this behind us."

"Agreed," she smiles and cups my hand with hers. "Starting fresh."

✣

At probation the next day I couldn't wait to see Bodi's face, except I was highly disappointed when he didn't show. I text and called his phone but no response, an uncomfortable feeling rumbled through my stomach.

It's very unlike him to not answer his phone or even turn up to probation.

I asked the officer if Bodi had called in sick but he told me to mind my business so I walked away. Deep down I wish I pushed for an answer but I didn't want to end up with a punishment for sticking my nose in.

When I get home I ring him but the line just dies out. He hasn't even read my messages.

He would let me know if something was going on, reply to a text at least. He wouldn't ignore me all day and expect me not to freak out, especially after my freak accident at the manor. We learnt a lot from that day and it's that we make sure that no one worries about your whereabouts.

I wait until the next day to see if I get a response, even though I could barely sleep because my mind wouldn't allow me to shut off. My finger taps my phone and yet I have no new notifications from him. I run my hands through my hair over and over until I get myself dressed and head over to his house

At least that way I will know if he's home or something.

On the way over I call him once more but this time it doesn't even ring, it goes straight to voicemail. I curse to myself and storm straight towards his front door, knocking loudly on my knuckles.

I chew on my lip with anticipation, severe anxiety creeping up through my veins as I wait for someone to answer the door. Anyone. Just to tell me where he is and that he's okay.

It takes a few moments until the door is open and I exhale a soft breath when I recognise his tall stature and wide shoulders. His eyes are down when he pokes his head around the door and I instantly notice the black and purple bruising across his cheekbone.

"Bodi," my voice cracks and I want to run my fingers over his injuries to magically heal them in some shape or form. "Are you okay?"

When I step forward he steps out of the house and pulls the door slightly but he remains out of reach from me.

"What's going on?"

My hand leans forward to grip his but he shakes me off instantly, keeping his eyes on the porch in front of him.

"You need to go," his voice is quiet.

I frown deeply and step closer. "Why? What's happening, Bodi?"

"Ash, please," his throat clenches, he takes one glance over his shoulder. It's obvious he's apprehensive but why? "You need to go."

"Bodi, I'm worried about you," I exhale with a jagged breath. This time I step closer and rest a hand on his warm cheek. My eyes flick over his and I realise they're building with tears. "What's been going on?"

"Ash, please go."

I shake my head in protest. Not when he's beaten and on the verge of crying. "I'm not going anywhere. You're my boyfriend and something is going on. I'm not going to leave until I know what."

There is a creak from inside the house. "Fuck," Bodi whips his head over his shoulder. "Ash, you need to go now!"

My chest feels like it's been weighed down with cement, it fucking hurts because he's hiding something and he's upset yet he won't tell me what's wrong. "No," I use my other hand to cup his face, pulling him in close. For a second Bodi melts into my touch but then turns rigid again.

I force our eyes to one another, at this point I'm frantic and desperate. "I love you, Bodi," my voice shakes and Bodi clenches his eyes shut, tears rolling down his face. "Please tell me what's going on, I am so worried about you."

Bodi's body shivers and finally opens his eyes again, those tears are rolling without a thought to stop. I feel like someone has cut my heart in half with a butcher's knife, I never want to see him like this.

I can't do anything. I am helpless.

The door behind Bodi is swung open and I drop my hands from his face, his eyes now turning to a look of pure fear. I glance up at a tall man, I'm presuming it's Bodi's dad. His eyes are red and I can instantly smell the foul waft of stale alcohol on his demeanour, let alone his breath.

His gaze falls upon mine and his jaw tightens, Bodi gulps and he yanks his son backwards into the house despite his protest. "Get off my property before I beat your disgusting face, I know who you are boy. And you sure as hell don't want me to get my hands on you."

Every inch of moisture in my mouth has been stripped within a matter of seconds. Bodi turns to me, tilting his head. "Ash, go." He mouths, eyes full of broken tears.

This isn't my Bodi. My Bodi would fight, would prove his father wrong. But I understand his hurt, all he wants to be is accepted by your own flesh and blood, I could imagine how much it hurts when they don't want to take you for you.

With shaky legs I take two large steps backwards before walking away, keeping my eyes trained on the door. My shoulders begin to rattle out of frustration and my chest aches with heartbreak.

His father found out about us. He must have seen the video.

Bodi's world would have changed. Forced to come out to people he never wanted to tell. People who would never understand, would never accept and instead punish him for being the way he is.

I feel crushed inside because I have no idea what I can do to make this situation better.

If there is anything I can do.

✣

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Author's Note

Hello my loves, what did we think of this chapter?👉🏼👉🏼👉🏼

Ash admitted that he loves Bodi, I am sobbing😭🥺💘

Ugh. I feel the agony Ash must be in, not know what to do. It's so easy to say call the police but they're both on tag and never will be taken seriously.

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