grateful: (adjective)
1. feeling or showing an appreciation for something done or received.

✣

It's now Friday and I've barely spoken to Bodi since yesterday morning. I have no idea if the probation officers or police officers would be waiting for him at home. If he's going to go back to prison for breaking the terms and not being home by curfew.

I pray they give him a warning. They can track where he would have been, out of trouble but in my company. If I have to give them a statement, I will. Nothing can happen to Bodi, especially after everything he told me last night.

The words that have shocked me to my core.

He hates himself, he hates lying to the world. But he's confused, he's repressed and I have no idea what I can do to make everything better.

Being at probation without him sucks, even when I was ignoring him. That eerie feeling never goes away, it's better when he's here with me because I feel safer. Today nothing feels safe.

I'm sick with guilt because what if something happens to him? Maybe I should have taken him home so he doesn't risk being locked up. Made an example out of.

My hand tucks into my pocket and I glance at my phone, still no messages. He hasn't replied to any, he hasn't even seen them. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. He could be sorting things out with his father or having back to back meetings about breaking his probation.

All I want to know is that he's okay. But I cannot get rid of this nausea inside my stomach. I sweep the floor but I'm not even looking at what I'm sweeping, I am completely distracted by him and what could be.

The thought of not seeing him for a while sends shivers down my spine.

Or is that the manor?

I don't even fucking know anymore. My head is at a complete crossroads.

There is a gentle breeze against my neck and I whip my head around, clapping a hand across my skin in retaliation. Goosebumps raise across my body, in every crevice until I drop the broom. A loud bang echoes across the walls from the sound and I turn from the room, walking to the front of the house.

I take one step around the corner of the hall and slam into a hard body. At first I want to scream because my worst nightmare has come true, but when I look up into those warm and welcoming brown eyes I collapse into his arms all together.

"Bodi," I exhale sharply.

"Hey," he's a little out of breath. I wrap my arms around him and pull his body into my chest. His hands wind around my back and I smother my face into his shoulder.

"I've been worried sick about you," I mumble into his jumper.

Bodi gives me one squeeze and pulls back, holding my face between his warm palms. "I'm sorry, I've had a hectic day. I didn't mean to not text you."

"What happened?" My words are rushed.

"Carol called me in for a meeting and asked what happened that night. I had to have an original meeting and then a formal interview with another officer and a police officer," he drops his hands and I miss his touch instantly. "It's not settled yet but I think they just want to get to the bottom of what happened."

My lips fall into a slant. "Did you tell them about your father?"

Bodi nods. "Yeah, they found CCTV of what I was doing. They can prove that I wasn't being a menace and going out into bars or bothering people. I told them about being brought back to yours, that you gave me a bed for a night."

"I'm surprised they don't want to talk to me."

"They might," he adds. "They're just deciding whether or not to escalate it or just let me off with a warning and a massive slap on the wrist."

"Well let's pray," I lower my voice a little. "You don't need that right now."

He offers me a smile and then takes my hand in his. "Thank you again for coming to get me and looking after me. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"Please, stop thanking me," I shake my head and lean forward. "I would have dropped everything for you, Bodi. I hope you know that."

His dark eyes sparkle towards me and I can't help but press my lips to his because no more words need to be said. Our lips form together perfectly and Bodi's hand clutches the back of my head as I pull him closer, fisting his jumper.

Our heads twist and tongues meet.

I love kissing him more than I realise.

He pulls away first but our lips still graze. "I think we have some things to talk about," he whispers and I nod instantly. "Shall we sit outside and we can discuss everything?"

My lips hum in his direction and he grabs my hand, leading us outside to the warm beaming sun. It's coming to the end of the summer but the days are still beautiful, the air isn't as sticky as a few months ago. It's bearable now.

We perch on an old table in the shade, our legs just about in the sun.

"I want you to believe me when I say that I never had sex with Ciara," he turns to me seriously.

I flick my eyes between his and I see the raw honesty behind his expression. "I believe you."

His lips crack into a small relieved smile. "I was just scared of what people would say or do if they found out that I also fancy guys," he glances down like he's ashamed of himself, I shuffle closer and hold onto his thigh. "I don't know why I did what I did, what I was trying to prove to Ciara or to myself. But I made a stupid mistake and I'm sorry for hurting you."

"I get it, Bodi," I nod. "I get that coming out is hard and you don't necessarily think in the most logical of ways. Seeing you two together wasn't what I wanted to see but you said you didn't have sex or do anything and I believe you."

"I didn't even want to have sex with her," he buries his head into his hand. "I was just petrified what Ciara would have said after that, she was so drunk and everyone was looking at me like an alien. I couldn't bear the humiliation so I did the most idiotic thing I could."

My hand slides from his thigh to his arm. "Bodi, look it's over. We've moved on, haven't we?"

He turns to me suddenly. "If we were together, like proper together. We had spoken about our feelings, if we had put a label on it. I would have never done that to you, Ash. But there were so many things in my head that I was doubting that you wouldn't even want to be with someone like me."

I scrunch up my face and shake my head. "Someone like you? What does that even mean?"

Bodi exhales a long, deep sigh and glances up at the sky. "Someone who is a mess, someone who isn't out, someone who doesn't even know who the they are."

"Bodi," I shake my head once. "Just because you don't know what sexuality you identify as doesn't mean that you're a mess. I like you because we have fun together, we're real together. Nothing is ever sugarcoated, what you see is what you get."

He runs a hand through his hair. "I thought it was only me who thought that."

I tilt my head. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah," he laughs hesitantly. "I had no idea you liked me that much. I thought that I was clinging onto things because you're the only person in my life who has made me feel like myself, comfortable and happy."

Happy.

"You make me happy too."

Bodi flashes me a heart clenching smile. "I love how close we had got before I fucked everything up," he grips onto my fingers. "I would always look forward to coming here, just to see you."

I laugh because I know I felt the same, I still do. My head drops to his shoulder and Bodi wraps an arm around me, holding me close.

"I'm pleased you can admit that," I smile as I look down at the gap between the table. "Because I feel sad when Friday would be over and I have to wait until Monday to see you again."

Bodi tilts up my chin and stares me directly in the eyes. "Well let's make weekend meetings a thing, hmmm?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe?" Bodi's mouth widens.

"Who says I've fully forgiven you yet?"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you haven't," his tone drops. "What I did was a total dick move, I'm surprised you didn't ask Carol to change probation jobs with this manor and me for company."

I chew on my lip as I admire him. "I guess some things are a little raw still," I admit and Bodi nods.

"I know," he raises my hand to kiss my knuckles. "But I'll prove to you how serious I am, how serious I am about you. This means more than anything to me. And now that I know you like me as much as I like you, I know where my loyalties lay. I'd never give you another reason to distrust me."

"I'll hold you to that," I offer him a soft smile.

Bodi shrugs. "I trust myself and I guess time will tell."

We stare at each other for a few moments longer. I never want to fight again because this feeling is everything and more. We're so good together. For each other's sanity.

Then I remember what he was saying that night. About himself. About not wanting to be here.

"Ash?"

My face must have slipped into a frown because Bodi is looking at me like I'm having a stroke.

"You were saying some seriously scary stuff the other night," I keep my eyes focused on his.

Bodi's lips part as he listens to me speak. "Was I?" He rubs the back of his head awkwardly.

"Yes," I almost hiss through my teeth. "About hating yourself and about not wanting to be here. Bodi, you scared the fucking shit out of me. And I don't want you to be going through life with these thoughts alone, I want to help you but this might be beyond my control."

"I was drunk."

My mouth continues to frown. "So are you saying none of that is true?"

He avoids my gaze.

"You can be honest with me, Bodi."

"I don't think it's news to you that I hate myself," he spits.

I cup his face with my hands and force his eyes to mine. "I get that you dislike parts of yourself, who you are. But you don't deserve to be feeling like this, you deserve to live a happy life without these thoughts dragging you down."

He scoffs at my words. "And what am I supposed to do?"

"Seek help, go speak to a doctor because all this pent up hatred is going to end badly, Bodi. You mean so much to me, I don't want you to be suffering in silence," I press my forehead to his, watching as his eyes flick shut.

"Maybe."

"Maybe is better than a no." I whisper.

"I wasn't thinking the other night, it was exaggerated."

"Exaggerated or not. It's still serious and I am always here for you, you know that right?"

Bodi's gaze flicks up to mine. "Yeah, I know."

I give his mouth a quick peck, tasting sweet berries on his lips. "If you ever feel like that again, I'm only a call or a visit away... within curfew hours."

This makes Bodi chuckle and his shoulders instantly relax. "I know, Ash. I'm grateful for you."

My mouth opens to claim his again, this time deeper and more meaningful. "I'm grateful for you too."

✣

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Author's Note

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