heartbroken: (adjective)
1. suffering from overwhelming distress.

✣

When I get home I lay on my bed and play with my phone for a few moments. In a way I really want to go to the party, seeing Bodi's friends might help me to get to know him better, his friends included.

What did I really have to lose? We've both got to be home by curfew so it would only be for a couple of hours.

Would be nice to get out of the house tonight as I have zero plans, I might even get time alone with Bodi. Not that he'd want to chance anything in front of all his friends but getting to spend more time with him is one of the only reasons I want to go.

His friend, Ciara, seems friendly and welcoming. If his friends are anything like her then it'll be fun, I think. If I hate it I can just leave, no one is forcing me to be there.

I draw up Instagram on my phone and go straight to my messages with Bodi. He didn't necessarily say anything about me coming, I don't even know if he wants me to. Maybe he thinks I'm invading his private space.

My fingers quickly tap out a message before I overthink this.

AshKnight: Is it okay if I come to the party? If you don't want me to that's fine

I chew on the inside of my lip waiting for a response, five minutes go by, then ten minutes then twenty. My eyes roll and I place my phone on charge and get dressed out of my clothes, heading straight for the shower.

When I get back there is a notification on my phone from Instagram.

bodihawk1: Yeah if you want to then sure

If I want to?

So that's a no. My eyebrows narrow to the screen and I sigh.

AshKnight: Don't worry about it.

Bodi's response takes less than ten seconds to send and I read over the message.

bodihawk1: You can come of course but no one knows about me or what's going on between us so please just don't say anything to anyone.

My heart quivers in my chest. Does he really think I'd do that to him after all our conversations about him not being out yet?

I frown as I punch out a message.

AshKnight: I would never say anything, I hope you know that by now.

bodihawk1: I just get paranoid, I'm sorry.

Instantly I feel bad because coming out isn't easy and in this case, I will be around a lot of Bodi's friends. Pretending that we're friends and nothing more, or whatever we are.

bodihawk1: I'll see you later, it starts at 6ish so get there for around then

AshKnight: Okay see you later

I race to drop Britt a text, demanding that she comes to this party with me tonight. Bodi is going to be around his friends and I don't want to be that loner standing by themselves because they don't know anyone.

She owes me and she better say yes or I will have anxiety the whole night.

When I get ready and yam something down my neck because I am starving, Britt texts me back to say that she's on the way over. She agreed to drive us because she's got a job tomorrow and doesn't want to drink so I will not decline a free ride, not that I'm going to get off my face in front of a bunch of strangers.

That would be social suicide.

I tell my mum I'm going out and she says to be sensible and I'm relieved she doesn't hold me down before I go and tell me about some amazing casting she's booked me for this weekend. Instead she lets me go peacefully and for once I feel like I might have an alright night without worrying.

Britt drives us to the party at around six thirty and parks across the street. "So," she slaps her leg and pulls the key from the ignition. "Is loverboy going to be here tonight?"

"Yes but you can't say anything," I lean over to her desperately. "He isn't out, he doesn't want anyone to know. So please just keep it zipped and pretend that you know no one."

She rolls her eyes and pulls a lip gloss out of the glove compartment, she stares at herself in the mirror and coats her lips with the dewy makeup. "Of course I won't say anything," she sighs. "I'm just messing. Anyway, show me a picture of him."

I pull my phone out from my pocket and find his profile again on Instagram and I hand her the phone. "Please don't accidentally like anything, I don't want him knowing I was literally stalking him seconds before seeing him." I cringe internally at the thought.

Britt's eyes light up as she scrolls through his feed. "Wow," she smiles. "He's fucking fit."

"Yeah..." I exhale a long breath. "Tell me about it."

"His body is like super jacked, it's incredible," she inches her face closer to the screen.

"He's a boxer," I comment and then stare at her face. "And back off, he's mine. Alright?"

She turns to me and laughs and I can't help but join her. "Jesus, you're so in deep with this guy. I've never seen you like this."

My shoulders shrug. "Things are different between us and I know he feels it too. It's like this weird chemistry that I can't explain. It's like we shouldn't work but we do, we work so well and I enjoy his company more than I'd like to admit."

She hands me back my phone and I put it in my pocket. "If only there was another alternate universe where being gay or bi or whatever the fuck you want to be is accepted by everyone in society."

I find myself nodding before she even finishes her sentence. "Precisely. Let's go."

We both pop open her car doors and step out onto the street. I didn't really dress up because I'm only here to show my face for an hour or two and then I'm leaving and I couldn't imagine Bodi getting super dressed up to chill with his friends.

I even had to tell Britt to leave the heels at home because I know she'd rock up in a mini dress and platform heels. She opted for some DM's and a flowy dress today, fitting for the weather and the people we're about to endure.

Britt confidently leads the way and I let her, she walks straight towards the house with loud thumping music and people hanging out the front. There are a lot more people here than I thought there would be but maybe that's a good thing.

We step inside and Britt keeps close to me, our eyes scan the room but I don't see anyone I recognise so we head to the kitchen. I grab a quick drink of something, probably should have brought my own alcohol but I didn't want to get drunk and taking someone else's drink will keep me from coming back for more.

I lean against the counter and Britt joins me, I sip on the cup and glance around the room. My eyes float to the large arch from the living room to the kitchen and my eyes are drawn to Bodi's friends. Reese and Elijah? I think that's their names.

Elijah hugs another one of his friends when Reese scans the room and then settles his eyes on me, for a moment I think they're just going to pass mine but they don't. They remain on mine for a second too long, making me feel severely uncomfortable.

I squirm under his eyes and sip my drink further.

"Do you know that guy?" Britt says in a hushed tone.

"Kind of."

"He looks like he wants to kill you. Who is he?"

"Bodi's friend," I hide my lips under my cup. "They came over after probation once to pick him up, he stared me down then. I don't know what his problem is."

Britt grimaces at the situation. "He looks like a fucking dick. Should I say something?"

"No!" I grip onto her arm. "I don't want to cause a scene or draw attention to us. Let's just leave it, I'm just he's just a judgemental ass inside and he's insulting me in his brain or whatever."

"Fine," she huffs out and folds her arms over her chest.

Luckily in the next couple of seconds Reese looks away and greets some more of his friends, I roll my eyes subtly and turn to Britt who is already looking at me.

"Where's Bodi?"

"Dunno," I comment. "Probably with his other friends."

"Come on," Britt grabs onto my arm and guides me through the house.

We look everywhere but he is nowhere to be found. I refrain from dropping him a message because I don't want to seem that desperate and instead we chill in the living room.

Reese and Elijah are standing a few feet from us but I try to ignore them. Just as I open my mouth to speak to Britt there is a loud crash and then fumbling upstairs, we both narrow our brows and look towards the steps.

Everyone else does the same as well.

Ciara comes charging down, a sway in her step and her mascara is halfway down her face. Jesus, what the fuck happened to her? She almost falls but she grabs onto the bannister to stabilise herself.

"Ciara," Bodi's voice calls after her. "You're drunk."

She turns to him with such coldness and fierceness that even I feel her emotions, Bodi takes one step down and his face comes into view but he's not looking at me.

"You've not been the same!" She slurs and then sniffles.

The living room goes silent to listen to their conversation, Britt turns to me with wide eyes and I feel sick thinking about this situation.

"Let's go and talk about this somewhere where not everyone can hear," Bodi says under a hushed tone.

She shakes her head. "Maybe I want everyone to hear!" She screams. "Maybe I want everyone to hear that you never get hard for me anymore. You're getting your action elsewhere, aren't you?"

My heart almost collapses in my chest and I cannot seem to look away.

"No," his jaw tenses.

"You don't fancy me," she sobs. "Because you fancy someone else. I don't understand why you don't like me, I'm fit. I'm so fit."

"Ciara, stop." Bodi tries to take her arm but she pulls it away from him.

"Oh my God," she whispers harshly and she stumbles on the step again. "Are you fucking gay?"

"Ash," Britt leans her lips next to my ear. "Should we go?"

But I don't respond, I keep focused on what is unfolding painfully quickly in front of me.

"What?!" Bodi recoils with a sour look. "Of course I'm not fucking gay, Ciara. You're just drunk and you're saying things you don't mean."

Someone mutters, "Bodi is gay?"

"No!" He shouts out angrily to the party, brows tensed in frustration. "I'm not gay."

"You must be! There is absolutely no explanation for this shit."

Ciara pushes away her tears and makes it down to the floor and out the front door, Bodi chases after him and everyone either gasps or laughs and I'm left feeling empty.

The tone in his voice replays on and on in my head. I know he's not out and he's afraid but it still hurts. Like a rejection. Someone ripping a plaster off my chest and leaving me with nothing but throbbing pain.

But in a way I want to comfort him. Ciara has just humiliated him in front of a group of his mates, that must hurt alone and I don't want Bodi thinking that people are laughing at him. Even if he lies to cover up who he truly is.

"I'm gonna get another drink," I comment because I want to see Bodi before I go home.

Britt follows and says nothing, I know this will be my last drink because I don't want to get drunk and after seeing Ciara in that state, I'm sure Bodi will appreciate it if I'm somewhat sober enough to carry a civil conversation with him.

I tell Britt I'm going to the toilet when she finds some guy to chat to, when I head upstairs I look for the toilet only to hear muffled moaning. My feet pause for a second and I look to the door beside me, slightly ajar and open.

My brows pull down and I step closer and peer through the gap in the door.

Everything inside my crumbles to nothing when I see blonde hair, the back of Bodi's head and his naked back.

I cannot stop my hands from shaking and suddenly I am heartbroken beyond belief.

My feet take two steps back before I get caught, I rush downstairs and keep my eyes trained on the floor the whole time. Britt grabs my shoulder and I shake her off. "I need to go," I mumble. "I need to go."

I shoot out the front door and Britt runs after me. "What happened?" She demands as I reach her car.

Tears are gathering in my eyes because I thought what Bodi and I had was special, because when I'm with him I feel everything and we can open up to one another and yet he's upstairs with a girl, with his friend.

Has he been trying to sleeping with her this whole time we have?

Have I been so fucking stupid to think that he actually likes me?

I climb into Britt's car and she's still staring at me with concern. "Please just drive," my voice is barely audible.

"Okay," she nods and turns on the engine and drives away.

She watches me out of the corner of her eye as she drops me home and I continue to say nothing. I don't know what there is to say, I've been naive and I've got no one to blame but myself.

I always end up being that person who is used for someone else's pleasure, for their fantasies but my feelings are never taken into account.

When Britt arrives at my house I nod at her. "Thank you," I whisper.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

I shake my head and she frowns.

"Okay, well text me if you need me. I'm always here for a chat, remember? We're friends, will always be friends and I'll always have your back."

"I love you," I say before slipping from the car.

"I love you too."

I shut the door behind me and trudge to the front door, luckily my mum is in bed and dad is watching TV on the sofa. So I head upstairs and shred my clothes and climb into bed, my head pounding as I think over every tiny detail.

My stomach growls and then suddenly I want to throw up but I don't. I hate feeling like this, like nothing. Worthless.

When my phone vibrates on the nightstand I turn to grab it, expecting a text from Britt just reminding me of what she said but it's not, it's from Instagram.

bodihawk1: Where are you? I can't find you anywhere

I leave the message on read and then lock my phone, turning over and smothering myself with the duvet cover.

The last thing I want to do right now is talk to him.

✣

Author's Note
Read the rest of the story, epilogue and bonus chapters over on Patreon!
Link in bio!

Uh-ohhhh, what has Bodi done?🥺🥺

Seeing Ash this heart broken is killing me!

What do you think is going to happen now?👉🏼

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Thank you for reading. See you all on the next one, love Sav x

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