I've had a crush on you ever since I transferred to this school last year. Not a day goes by without me thinking about you.
I think about you while I wash dishes, I think about you while I fold laundry. I think about you while I lie awake in bed. I think about you while I...

Sorry, I don't want to make you uncomfortable.

I didn't learn that you had a girlfriend until much later in the year. I knew that it would be foolish to think I could ever get between you and your girlfriend of two years, so I kept my distance. But I still continued to pine for you. I started pursuing other guys to get my mind off of you. A skier with a cocky attitude. A soccer player whom I was too shy to make a move on, before he left our school. A nerdy robotics kid who just didn't want a relationship. I even hooked up with one of your hockey teammates (that, dear reader, is a story for another time).

But for some reason, my mind always goes back to you.

When throwing myself at other guys didn't work, I tried something else. I got the best grades I've had in years. I spent so many nights writing essays, figuring out how to find derivatives, and trying to understand DNA replication. I spent hours after class working on my team's robot. I led my team to the State Championship in robotics, reveling in the adrenaline from every match we played. I hoped that maybe-just maybe-if I could bury myself in academics, I'd be able to get you out of my head.

But I couldn't.

I still thought about you with every essay I wrote for AP Literature and every equation I solved in Calculus (the two classes we shared). I thought about you whenever I talked to my friend who-by sheer coincidence-shares a last name and a birthday with you. Every time I listen to Country Music, I think about how you said that it was your favorite genre. Every time I pass by the beautiful mountains and forests in the state where I live-on the opposite side of the country from our boarding school-I think about how you wrote that those things are what you enjoy about the town you live in.

No matter what I do or where I go, I can never escape the thought of you.

I guess I'm attracted to you because... you seem like you have your life together, while I'm just a mess. I wish I could be liked by everyone. I wish I was athletic. I wish I had perfect grades. I wish I had a steady, fulfilling long-term relationship like the one you and your girlfriend have. I wish I had stability. I wish I had a picture-perfect life.

I wish I had you.

I know; no one really has a perfect life and everyone has their own problems. I don't want to dismiss whatever problems you might be experiencing. But the point is, it doesn't show. Whatever problems you have, you seem to be able to handle them.
I know you're not perfect; I know you make mistakes too. I remember when we got our papers back in AP Lit and everyone was sharing their scores and you said, with a smile, "hey guys, I got a 1 because I completely misunderstood the prompt". And then... you laughed. It was the most beautiful laugh I'd ever heard. It wasn't the broken laugh of a person trying to cope with being depressed by joking about it. It wasn't the nervous laugh of someone trying to hide their insecurities by pretending that they're not hurt, when they really are. It was the most beautiful laugh I'd ever heard. And that smile... your smile kills me every time, but this one, I'll remember forever. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of quiet self-assuredness, that I've only come across once in my lifetime. You were confident enough to tell everybody about a failure you had, because you knew that people already saw you for your successes. You're not perfect, but you can embrace your flaws because you know inside that you're strong, and that only solidifies my image of how perfect you are.

I'm attracted to you because... I'm jealous of you. You are everything that I'm not. You're confident, and you've learned how to love and accept yourself. I'm insecure and I hate myself. I'm attracted to you because you represent everything I wish I could be.

I guess I'm just putting you on a pedestal. Like how in The Great Gatsby, Daisy isn't really in love with Gatsby for the person he is, she's in love with the person she thinks Gatsby is (also because she's a fucking gold digger, but that's beside the point).

I realized, I'm not attracted to you. I'm attracted to my image of you. I am very, very attracted to you, but I can't imagine us together. Going on dates, meeting each other's parents, sitting by the lake, musing about how our relationship is reflected in the beauty of the pristine, unadulterated facade of the mountains and forest-I just don't see it. I mean, what would we even talk about? I don't think you'd understand or relate to my existential angst and constant battle with Anxiety and Depression. I don't think I'd understand or relate to your ambition, or motivation, or whatever it is that drives you to be the best you can in sports, academics, and everything.

I can't see us together, yet... I can't look away. I can't stop myself from poring over your Instagram and the glossy photos of you and your girlfriend together. You and her together by the lake, with you leaning over to kiss her neck. You and her making a gingerbread house together. You and her sitting in what seems to be your bedroom. I can't help but think about the implications of that... oh god. Oh god.

I don't want to call this "unrequited love", because-let's be real; this isn't love. I don't want to get to know the real you; I want to keep this fantasy of you that I have in my head. I don't want to know more about you so that I can understand you as a person and appreciate you for your flaws; I want to know more about how perfect you are. I don't want to learn about you; I want to fantasize about you. I don't want to have a relationship with you; I want to have...

Nevermind.

But in spite of all the agony I've been through in your name, there's one thing I want you to know: you don't owe me anything. It's not your fault that I'm attracted to you. It's not your fault that I put you on a pedestal and project my insecurities onto you.

It's not your fault that I can't get over you.

So please, don't get hung up over this, and don't think about it too much. The only thing I would ask of you is: forget about me. Continue living your best life, and I'll try to do the same. And... keep spending a lot of time with your girlfriend; she's lucky to have someone like you.

Best wishes,
Danera