A/N: I wrote this about a year ago and never published it because I kept trying to make it perfect. Recently, I remembered the old saying, "the perfect is the enemy of the good", and realized that even if it's not perfect, my writing might still resonate with someone, and that's what matters.
-Danera

Dear Mr. X,

I think about you every waking moment. My heart skips a beat whenever anyone mentions your name. Every time I go to the grocery store or the post office in town, I secretly hope I'll run into you. When I see you in the hallway, my first instinct is to run up to you just to say hello. Every interaction with you leaves me feeling happy and giddy.

I can't deny it anymore: I have a crush on you. I've been refusing to acknowledge it because I'm not supposed to have feelings for you.

You're fourteen years older than me.
You're married.
But most importantly, you're my teacher.

Your class is the one thing I look forward to during the school day. Mostly because I like history, but also because I like you. The way you talk, the way you walk, and the way you carry yourself-I just find it so endearing.
I logged into my Facebook account for the first time in years, just to look at your profile and learn more about you. You studied Philosophy in college (awww). You listed All The King's Men by Robert Penn Warren as your favorite book (I really loved that book too). You proposed to your wife at the top of a mountain (that's amazing). Philosophy, literature, and the outdoors-everything I love is reflected in you.

I could go on and on about all the things I like about you, but I can point to a single moment that sparked my attraction to you. It was when you came to my house to bring my textbook to me. When I was still under the precautionary 14-day quarantine, I attended class over Zoom, but since I wasn't allowed on campus yet, I didn't have a chance to pick up my books. When I told you I didn't have the textbook, you said "since you're staying so close to the school, maybe I could just bring the book to your house".
You were the only teacher who offered to do that for me.
So I gave you my address and you told me you'd stop by the next day. When you walked up to my door, I greeted you with a big smile on my face. Mostly because I was happy to interact with another human being outside of my family. You smiled back, handed me the book, and asked me when I'd be back in class. As I was waving at you as you walked back to your truck, I also felt... something else. Some other feeling...

At that time, I didn't really know what it was that I was feeling. Actually... that's a lie. In the darkest corner of my subconscious, I knew exactly what I was feeling-the warmth in my chest, the electricity moving through my nerves, the hormones coursing through my veins. I completely understood what it was. But I denied it. I thought that maybe if I denied my feelings enough, they might just go away. I really, really wanted them to go away. But they didn't. The more I suppressed my feelings, the stronger they became. So here I am, writing this letter confessing my feelings to an imaginary version of you.

You told me that you graduated from the same boarding school that I learn at and you teach at. Not too long ago, you ate in the same Dining hall, sat in the same classrooms, and walked through the same halls that I do today. You took the same courses, read the same books, and even had some of the same teachers as me. You had the same Postgraduate year and the same uncertainty about the future. When we were making small talk one day, I told you I was taking a postgrad year, and you said that you also did a postgrad when you were in high school. "I felt like I just needed another year to mature as a person and decide what I wanted to do with my life", you said. I absolutely feel that. I feel like you would understand me in a way that most people don't. I feel like we could have a connection that's unique to just the two of us. But I know that connection is just an illusion. I'm just fooling myself. I don't really know you, and I'll never truly know you, because we're forever separated by time-14 years, to be exact.

I did some thinking and I realized something: our age difference, your marital status, my role as your student-everything that keeps us from being together, it isn't a bug; it's a feature.

You see, Mister X, I'm attracted to you, not in spite of the fact that you're unavailable, but because of the fact that you're unavailable.
In a good romantic relationship, both partners need to be equals. If I was pursuing someone else-someone my own age-I would be worrying, "Am I as smart as he is?" "Am I as athletic as he is?", and most importantly, "am I good enough for him?" But with you... I don't need to worry about any of that. I don't have to worry about being your equal, because I know that I will never be your equal.
I'll always be a kid to you. And you'll always be a teacher to me.

Maybe another reason why I'm attracted to you is that you have a lot of things that I don't have. You

So, since you're my teacher, what advice do you have for me?