"Do you think your unfinished business could be me?" James asks out loud when he is having breakfast on Sunday morning, after such eventful Saturday night.

After James fell asleep last night, I spent all night thinking and mourning. Without him, I could only think of all the new things I'd learnt, and above everything else, the loss of my mother. I've thought so much about it that I can finally realise that the reason why it hurts so much is because I'm selfish, because I want to have her here. But after all I've done to her, after breaking her the way I did, I have no right to miss her or want here with me, where she is miserable. She left with a smile on her face, like she didn't look in fifteen years, so she was better then. Wherever she left to, she must be better off than she was here. The least I could do is to be happy for her.

I've controlled my mind for fifteen years, making myself forget I was bullied until I committed suicide. I have also almost forgotten my father and every other face that I knew when I was alive. I can surely make myself feel happy when I think of Mum because she is okay, she's just waiting for me. It might take a while, but all minds can be set to work in certain way, even ghosts' minds.

I also tried thinking of what could be the lesson I have to learn for me to cross over and reunite with my mum, but every time I tried thinking of that, James' face came to my mind, reminding me that crossing over means leaving him behind.

A relationship between a ghost and a human is impossible, even if I manage to learn how to control my emotions in order not to hurt him, and I don't mean it because he is the only one that can see me because that's irrelevant. A relationship isn't to display to others, it's between two people, and those who have that mindset are wrong and are missing the real point of a relationship. The problem isn't that I remain unseen for everyone except James, it's that I'm not a person anymore.

"That sounded so narcissist, I'm very sorry," James adds next, realising what his words sound like. An embarrassed chuckle escapes his lips.

"It's okay, I'm no one to judge you. And to answer your question... hmm... I don't think so," I reply, not sounding like my usual self.

"I'll try not to feel offended with that, but I don't think you really understand what I meant," he jokes a bit, his nervous smile still on his lips.

"I think I do," I say, and as my mind is still trying to cope with every change, I can't really feel sympathy for him now, or to mind how he seems hurt with my words. "You don't mean you, but finding love, or being loved by someone aside from my family. That is probably the most logical thing that could keep me here because it's something I never experienced." James' eyes widen a bit, surprise clear in his features. "But many people die without experiencing so many things, and those don't keep them here. It's not a experience, it's a lesson what I have left."

I try to give him a smile, one that doesn't feel that honest, but it's the best I can manage right now.

"Besides, if it were that, then I would've crossed over already. But here I am, still stuck. It has to be something else," I add and I hear him sigh. "I tried figuring it out last night, but I didn't come up with anything. The only option I have is forgiving my bullies, but how can I do that?" My voice carries the weight of that statement, how reluctant I am. "Saying 'it's okay, I forgive you,' and really meaning it are two very different things. I honestly don't think I can ever really forgive them. I can accept their apology but that doesn't mean I can forgive them."

"Maybe you should, that resentment weights in on you," James comments, and I heave a frustrated sigh.

"Easier said than done!" I snap. "Can you forgive those ghosts that did all that to you? That psycho that almost got you killed?"

James is taken aback by my sudden outburst and how I just throw at him what he shared before. I immediately feel guilty after I say those words, looking away and trying to put myself together. I can't keep snarling because I'm frustrated, angry and heartbroken.

"I think I could," replies James, surprising me. "If I think about it and consider how things have changed, I can forgive them. If I hadn't run into them, I wouldn't have moved away. I wouldn't have come here and met you, Paige. So yes, if I put things in perspective, I can forgive them."

I meet his eyes and his are so intense, determined to get the point across and make me change my mind. But I don't have it in me, even if it means I got a chance to meet him, I can't do the same. If I put things in perspective, I can't forgive them for what they did to me.

"It's not the same," I breathe out, feeling a lump in my throat. "How can you even compare it, James? You're still alive, you still have a chance. They broke me to the point I killed myself in the most horrendous way, bringing my mother with me, killing her in life. I killed myself and broke my family and I've been stuck for fifteen years. Did you forget all that?" He doesn't reply, but his eyes look pitiful now. "How do I forgive the people that pushed me to this point? They drove me to the edge and then pushed me off the cliff, laughing as they did."

"I know it's not the same... but can you even try?" he insists and the fact he is doing it makes me so annoyed I can't even look him in the eyes.

I stand up and walk away, towards the window, wrapping my arms around myself, trying to calm down. Why do people do that? They advise you as it everything was that easy, as if it just took a few words to fix everything. If it were easy, if one could just do as told, then no one would be in a mess. If I could forgive them by just wanting to, then I wouldn't be stuck.

If that is even my lesson! I don't bloody know by now.

It's not that I don't want to forgive them, if that's what will get me out of this, then I'll do it. The problem is that I'm not physically capable of such thing. My guts twist at the idea and I just want to scream and break things. I can't let go of this resentment, I lived with it for years and then carried it for even more. I can't just let go of it.

But what happens if that is really the lesson I'm supposed to learn? It makes sense, considering I've only remembered that for fifteen years, that being all I held on to. Then letting it go, learning to forgive and move on, could be what I need to in order to cross over.

If that is really what I'm supposed to learn, then I'm doomed. I can't do it.

"You don't need to do it overnight," James speaks from behind. I didn't notice he followed me

I heave another deep sigh. "I don't think I can, James. I... it's like this resentment has become all I am and I don't even know what I'll be without it."

"Then you need to find something else to hold on to until you can let go of that, right?" he proposes, standing next to me and grabbing one of the hands I kept at my side. "I'll help you in every way I can."

I look at our hands together and call out for all my feelings for him. These are stronger than the bad and dark ones, or maybe as they are new and unfamiliar they seem stronger, whatever the reason is, they work at pushing what could hurt James to the back. I feel a bit lighter, more comfortable when I let these feelings take control. I know it's working when James squeezes my heart a bit tighter before tangling our fingers together. That is when I can look up and meet his eyes.

"I'm sorry," I say. "For snapping before. It's just... overwhelming." I sigh because I can't come up with a better description of all what I'm feeling. But he probably gets an idea and he doesn't blame me for being all bitchy first thing in the morning.

"It's okay, I understand. I'm sorry I can't give you a solution." I shake my head before he pulls me a bit closer to him, passing our entwined fingers above my head until I'm wrapped and pressed against his chest. His other arm wraps around my waist and his chin rests on my shoulder. "I'd like to solve everything for you, and I wish I could have all the answers you seek. I know it's hard and it seems impossible right now, but don't panic because it's like that. We are getting there, just slowly."

I smile sadly at his words, leaning a bit more onto him.

It impresses me how much he can love me and care about me. This boy that has been alone for so long, with no one to love, or to love him back. His parents have always neglected him, and he grew with people that were paid to take care of him. For all these years he's needed someone to pour all that kindness to. AS the song goes by, he needed someone to love. Ironic how he ended up doing that for a ghost, the very reason why he had to turn his back on to everyone.

"James," I call, feeling sorry for something else. "I am grateful that I got to meet you. I know that if I hadn't killed myself, if I had been stronger, we would've never met each other, and if I think about that it actually breaks my heart." I turn my head a bit to see his face, even kissing his cheek. "I mean, being a ghost even keeps me from being a cougar."

I manage to make him laugh with that. If I were alive I'd be thirty-two, but as I'm dead, I don't really have an age. That's for living creatures. I'm frozen at seventeen, not a day older. Just like James, but contrary to me he does get older, every day.

"I'm very grateful you came to Street. Grateful you enrolled for the same diploma, and even more grateful that you can actually see me." I touch his cheek with my palm, and even if it's cold, he closes his eyes and seem to enjoy it. "Thank you for that, James. For not leaving me alone, for caring and for learning to love me."

James doesn't reply with words, he just looks for my lips and I help him until we meet in a kiss. I slowly turn in his arms until our chest are against each other and in a better position so we can kiss comfortably. It's not like last night, it's not as overwhelming or weird, and I guess we are slowly getting used to this; but it's precious nonetheless.

When we break the kiss I pull up his hoodie and smile before taking a step back, breaking the contact because he must be cold.

"You can't dress lightly from now on. Always with five layers of clothes," I instruct, trying to sound severe, but he only smiles.

"Dating a ghost will come in handy in summer, when the heat wave strikes."

I laugh at his joke, smiling honestly this time. "Who needs AC when you can get your personal ghost hugging you when it's just unbearable hot?"

He takes a step closer and traps my face in his large hands, next thing I know he's kissing my lips again. Just a short peck before stepping back. "Until summer comes, I'll just wear loads of clothes. And drink loads of hot chocolate."

"Surely that will help."

"If not, then I'll also carry a blanket with me." I chuckle, feeling a lot better. "Anyhow... I'm not sure about this but... about today..." he starts mumbling, the mood immediately changing. "Do you, perhaps, want to go and see what happened with your mum? I mean, her body. If it's too much we don't have to go, but if you want to know where she'll be put to rest, then we can go and ask some questions."

I think about it, scared of seeing her body, lifeless. Even if she was like a corpse before, she was still breathing. I don't know if I could do that. But then, I guess I should know if she'll be buried or cremated.

"Also, maybe we should go to your house and try to find your ashes. We can bring them here," he continues and I nod absentmindedly.

"I..." I start, but I don't know how to finish that sentence. "I'm not sure I can see my mum's body, but I'd like to know what happened to her. I mean, she doesn't have anyone else here. Maybe they called my father or something."

"Then let's go. We'll see what we can find out," he smiles encouragingly. "What about your ashes?"

"I don't think they survived but we can look for them."

"How can you tell?" he asks.

I shrug. "I don't feel drawn to there anymore. It's like whatever tied me to that place is gone, now I only feel drawn to college."

"Well, if that's the case we'll make sure to find out today. Shall we go? There are many places to go."

I smile at him, grateful that he is giving me something to do instead of just thinking. "Let's go," I agree, ready to make myself busy for the day.

>>>·<<<

I'm so sorry for not updating last week. I know some of you were even worried, but I was okay, just being a lazy bum. The strike a school ended so we are back to normal schedule and getting used to it was hard. Maja also made me watch Angry Mom (a K-drama) and I just cried a lot. Now, about next update, I'm not sure if I'll be able to update on Thursday because Mila is coming to visit me so I'll be busy cuddling with her, but I'll try.

I also wish the chapter had been worth the wait u.u but oh well...

Dedication to KateWells7 

Bel, xx

PS: If you are curious about my whereabouts, the best way to find out is on twitter BelWatson 

PPS: I posted the prologue of my new book and you should totally check it out! It's called Blanca Like Snow. You find it on my profile!