"It... it hurts you. Please, James," I stammer, trying to pull away from him but he's either too strong or I'm too weak.

It's probably the latter.

Until very recently I couldn't even feel my body and I felt like ashes. I'm just now becoming whole again but I don't think I'm quite myself just yet. I don't know where we are, how is that he is holding me or what is actually happening. I barely remember what happened last time I walked through someone, I just remember the pain and that I never wanted to feel like that again. The big difference, though, is that back then I felt hot. Burning hot like I was caught up in flames. But today it was burning cold, as if I was exposed to absolute zero temperature.

"I can... endure it," he replies between gritted teeth. I can feel him shaking and it's probably due the pain he is feeling.

He knows so well what it feels to touch a ghost. He has touched me before so why is he doing this again? Hasn't he had enough for a day? Is he a masochist or did he just lose his mind? I can't understand him and his behaviour. He keeps confusing me and even if he is doing something to help me, I want him to stop. No matter how warm and comfortable it feels in his arms, he is hurting and I can't allow that. I can't let him suffer because of me.

"Stop. Stop now. I'm okay, now," I speak, trying to make my voice sound firm and sure.

I concentrate hard to push everything to the darkest part of my mind, where not even I can reach them. All the agony and misery away. I focus only on James' warm arms around me and the beat of his heart. I focus on his laboured breathing and the way he rocks me back and forward. I concentrate on this living boy and push every bad feeling of mine as far away as possible. I have no idea if that helps or it is a futile as a wingless bird trying to fly, but I have to try.

It seems it works because his body stops shaking that violently and it's more like shivering due to cold. His breathing also evens and he doesn't hold me that tight. His heart is still racing, I can feel it under my palm. I continue pushing my feelings, blocking everything, shutting myself out and just paying attention to James.

"Let me go," I whisper, closing my eyes because if I open them I'll lose my concentration and bring all the agony back. I can deal with it, but I can't let him feel it again. "I'm fine now."

Reluctantly and hesitantly, his arms loose up around me and I'm slowly released until I can put at least ten centimetres between the two of us. I open my eyes and the moment I do that all the agony that lives within me comes back and for a second I can't even breathe or move. Black clouds start to blur my vision and my hearing becomes muffled. I blink once then another time and another until I can see properly again and the emotions settle down. An eternity later I can take a breath and release it. Only then I can see James properly again and he is on his knees, breathing hard, sweating and completely pale. Drops of sweat and tears stream down his face and even his lips have adqsuired a blueish colour. My hands itch to reach his face and wipe these away but I can't forget I'm the reason why he's like this, looking so miserable and exhausted.

"Are... are you okay? For real?" he asks and I sigh with a slight shake of my head. I can't believe he is asking that.

"Take a look of yourself. I'm sure you look more dead than I do," I reply, trying to make my voice sound lighter so he doesn't worry more. "I'm fine. Thank you," I add next with a smile that hurts my heart. "You didn't have to do that," I tell him and now he is the one shaking his head.

James pulls back, sitting down and crossing his legs. He takes deep breaths and wipes his face with his sleeves, then he takes his beanie and lets the dreads fall lose.

"Yeah, I had to. Paige, you don't understand how heartbreaking your screams were. It was like someone was being murdered and tortured. I couldn't just call your name until you listened so I grabbed you and dragged you away," he explains and only then notice we are in a small empty room. "And even then you wouldn't stop screaming."

He looks at me so intently that I feel a hot wave going down my body, leaving me all tingly.

"It would've stopped eventually," I say, looking away because I can't hold his stare.

"But I couldn't take that," he says and my chest feels weird, like something alive is in there. "I couldn't bear seeing you in such pain and like... I dunno, Paige. It was like you were gonna just disappear. I didn't think, I just held you."

"You... you felt it, right? The pain," I explain, looking at him from the corner of my eyes because I can't meet his eyes just yet.

James nods and that's all I need to feel worse because I know how agonising and paralysing that pain is and the thought he also experienced it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

"What happened, Paige? Why did you feel like that? It wasn't like before. It wasn't emotional pain, it was physical... like..." he frowns, trying to find the words. "Like you were being pulled apart and burnt at the same time."

"I..." I don't even know how to explain things but I know he needs to understand. There are so many questions that I feel like we are drowning in them, so if there's at least one thing I can explain to him, then so help me God, I will tell him. "I walked through someone. I wasn't paying attention. I normally can avoid people so I don't bump into anyone. And I'm not sure why but when I do that it's like... I lose my body and it's painful, so painful. I don't know if dying felt like that when I did, but I can't describe it any other way: it feels like dying. Like being burnt alive. You know when you like feel your hands and legs and, well, your body? I just feel like ashes."

I finally look at him, his serious glance greets me and I take a deep breath that I don't need but that it feels like I should do. His brows are furrowed and a grimace taints his expression. He still looks tired, but colour is coming back to his face.

"Paige... were you cremated?" he asks and I just blink, his words bouncing in my head.

"What?" I ask because even if his question is quite simple, I just can't process it.

It's something I never thought about and that leaves me numb. I always pretend I'm still alive and I try not to think of my body and where it is resting. But only now that James mentions it I think that maybe there is no grave and I was cremated. Maybe that is why I have never felt dragged to the cemetery and why I feel like ashes when I walk through people. Maybe that is why I feel like being burnt, because my body was literally burnt.

Oh boy, I feel sick.

"You know, cremated. It feels like being burt so maybe that's why," he explains exactly what I just thought of.

"I-I don't know," I reply, my voice shaky and I have to close my eyes and take deep breaths to stabilise again.

"Because if not, then we should find your grave so that way we can actually see when you died. It can't be that long ago. I know it was a shock for you, Paige, but it's impossible you've been dead decades. You mentioned your mum so she's still alive and your style isn't from the nineties or before," he keeps thinking out loud and I'm just struggling not to scream.

"Cremated... ashes... my body is..." I mumble and James stops speaking to stare at me with worried eyes. "There's no body. Not even a skeleton. Just... ashes." I laugh, this incredulous fit of laughter that just makes you look like you lost your mind.

I think I'm losing my mind, though.

"It's a theory, we don't know that just yet, Paige," he tries to reassure me but I keep laughing.

"I don't even know if ashes is better or worse," I breathe out. "If my my remains aren't ashes, then it's some rotted mess and it means worms and other things ate my decaying flesh. It means what's left of me is six feet under." Another fit of laughter escapes me. I think I even look mad by now. "I believe that's worse now. It's more disgusting and slower."

"Paige..." James speak but I stand up and take a few steps away from him.

"I prefer the cremated theory, to be honest. I don't even want to think what it would feel after walking through someone if my body disappeared the other way." I shiver at the thought. "The problem is that without a grave there isn't a gravestone with my name, right? Then how can we know about my death? And where are my ashes? You think Mum scattered them?"

James also rises to his feet and he looks considerably better. In his left hand he keeps his beanie, tightly squeezed. "I don't know. She's your mum, what do you think she did?"

I think about it and try to imagine what my mum would've done with my body-ashes. Considering I died before her and when I was still seventeen, and if she decided to cremate me then she probably did it to keep me close somehow. She has kept my room intact for how long I've been dead, so that means she doesn't want to erase my presence.

"At home," I speak out. "She has my ashes at home. Somewhere. I don't know. Maybe her room?" I try to think harder of a vase or something where she could've have my ashes but I can't exactly remember one. "I need to check. What time is it?" I ask out loud next and he seems confused.

James takes a look to his wrist watch before he replies, " Twenty past two in the afternoon."

"We're going to my house," I blurt out. "My mum won't be there until five so we have time. We'll look around until we find my ashes," I explain the plan and James' eyes widen in surprise and disbelief.

"We?"

"Yes, we as in you and I. My house isn't that far from college, neither it is big so we'll find my ashes. And if we can't find them, then we'll go to the cemetery. I-" I hesitate a bit at this point but I think it's necessary, even if it is not appealing. "I will find out where my remains are."

James still looks at me with those shocked eyes so I just smile and try to look cheerful until he gives in. I notice it because he sighs and shakes his head but a smile comes to his lips.

"Okay, let's go. You lead the way," he says and my smile widens.

"Follow me!" I instruct and walk out the room.

We leave college in silence, none of us says a word until we are far from campus and James has his headphones on again.

"And what do we do if we find your ashes. Roxy couldn't even tell us since when the rumour of the ghost has been around so I don't think asking around will help us," James mentions and I nod in understanding, walking to him, keeping my hands at my back whilst James hides his in his pocket. He looks like he's cold but I can't tell.

"Not sure. I guess that we could look in old papers? Maybe there's an article about my death or an obituary," I suggest.

"Yeah, but without knowing exactly when you died it becomes too difficult to find that. We wouldn't even know where to begin or how to narrow things down," he reasons and I nod again because he's right. We would take forever looking through old papers until we find something.

"What about the Internet? In films they always find everything there," I suggest and look at James just to see him blushing.

"Well... the thing is besides editing programs I am useless with technology. I'm not sure if I could find an 'old' article on my own, but maybe we can try," he offers but he sounds defeated.

I step forward, walking past him and then turning around to face him. I notice as well we have arrived to my house already.

"We need to find the ashes first so let's focus on that for now. Then we'll see what we do with our poor technology skills because I such, too," I beam at him giving him even the peace sign. "By the way, we're here."

I turn around, motioning to my humble home and then run to the door, looking for the spare key buried in the ceramic pot next to it. It's been here since when I was alive. Mum kept it there because I normally forgot my set inside. So I use that to open the door and then wait for James inside. Hesitantly, he takes the steps towards me.

"Welcome to my crib," I say with a big smile and he chuckles.

"You watch loads of telly for a ghost, Paige," he says, still smiling as he takes the first step inside.

~·~

Aren't these two cute? Shipping #PJ hardcore hehehe Let me know your thoughts about it on the comments below!

Dedication to @BreathingToxic for the good comment.

Bel, xx

NU: Thursday