"Ugh, I forgot to ask him about what it feels to touch a ghost. Why didn't I ask him that first?" I ramble, walking into my house, face palming myself for not starting with what I was most curious about.

I learnt about him and a few things about my type, but not enough and I ended up hitting a nerve, without meaning, what ruined my chances. Still, I should be grateful for what little more I know now, like the fact I can't leave this place even if I want to. I wonder if I died here at home and that's why I have to come back every day. It's not like I'm obliged to do so, but I do feel the urge to come back every day no matter what happened or didn't happen. I'm here every night when I could easily spend my time anywhere else in town, instead I come back. But then, why do I even leave hime every morning? Why do I go to college? I don't have good memories or even a good feeling from when I was alive. I remember how I didn't want to go when I was alive, then why do I keep going when I'm dead and free from that obligation? Did I die at college? Did something happened there that's made me roam that place?

Why can't I remember how I die? Is that something normal for all ghosts?

Argh. Now I have even more questions and I know James won't answer them. I won't push him no matter how much I'm dying to figure things out. I know it's annoying and I don't want to be another of those ghosts that have left bad memories in his life.

I actually feel very remorseful for annoying him so much back then, but I honestly didn't think I was annoying him. I just thought I was, per usual, talking to myself and pretending I was just being ignored instead of remaining unseen to him, but turns out he could actually see and hear me. If he had reacted from the first moment things would've been easier for him and he would've avoided two weeks of constant nagging.

It's conflictive. A part of me feels guilty for what I did, but then he also has his share of responsibility so I don't think I should even feel like this. I apologised already and learnt my lesson. I should move on from this. I just don't know why that seems so difficult.

Was I always this stubborn or is it because I'm a ghost now?

I should honestly write down all these questions in case I have another opportunity like today-not with James, of course, I know that-so I won't end up with even more questions and a few answers that don't really help.

"I'm home!" I call, trying to push all these thoughts aside and walking up to the kitchen, where I know I'll find Mum. "How was your day?" I ask even if I know I won't receive answer. I watch her, with those hollow eyes and the sempiternal dark bags under them. She keeps losing weight and I wish I could do more for her, to get her to properly eat or something. "Mum, today James talked to me. Yes, he talked to me, not the other way around, and answered some questions. Sure, I didn't really ask the questions I wanted but it's something, right? I shouldn't be that ungrateful."

I sit across from her, watching her wrap her hands around the cup and with her eyes lost on the telly.

"Apparently, I can't leave this place, I'm bound to it. Also, ghost can hurt people so I'll be more careful with you, Mum. I don't wanna make things harder than they already are," I promise, wishing she could hear me and know how concerned I am. "But you know what worried me the most? James," I continue, speaking the utmost truth.

After he left I stayed there at the bench in front of the church, thinking of the things he told me about himself. His lonely life, painful and haunted. It surely wasn't easy to grow up like that, not only without parents but also with ghosts nagging him, desperate for some company. I do understand why ghosts would follow and haunt him the moment they realise James can actually see them, but still, I feel so bad for that little boy he once was.

Was it scary for him?

"He grew up without parents, even if they are alive and doing well. They just choose not to be part of his life and I find that lonely, Mum. He never had a mum to read him stories at night or a dad to teach him to play football, or someone to run to on stormy nights. How sad is that?" I question out loud, trying to imagine a little boy with big blue eyes and short blond hair, all alone at night even when he was scared, with probably the only company of a ghost. That must've been terrifying for him, even if he didn't know that the creature next to him was a ghost at the time. "Why would adults decide to bring a child to this world but not raise him? Why would they be so cruel to a poor infant who didn't even ask to be born?" I keep the rhetorical questions, getting mad at James' parents for doing that to him. Such a lonely boy, whose only friends were ghosts. "He must carry so much sadness in his heart, Mum. I feel so bad for him."

I heave a tired sigh, feeling unease and restless. It's like I itch everywhere but I don't know exactly where to scratch. Is it because I want to help him somehow? I mean, I'd like to take some of that loneliness away, but he wouldn't like me to do that. He can befriend any living person, it doesn't have to be me. I just wish I could do something, even if it is to improve a bit his experience with ghosts.

"Did you know he's been hurt by ghosts?" I continue telling my mum. "I wonder if he meant physically or emotionally. Maybe both. What if they actually did something horrible to him? I mean, if evil people die and become ghosts, they will still be evil ghosts and keep hurting people." That thought is something I never contemplated before and it terrifies me. There are so many horrible people in the world, like murderers, psychopaths and rapist. What if they become ghosts? What would they do? Would they keep their MO? That's too horrible to even keep thinking about it. "I wonder if ghost have left scars on him. I can't blame him for being wary of me. For all what he knows I could just be one mean ghost that's come to ruin his low-profile life. Mum, what can I do?"

I don't receive an answer and that feels like hands around my throat, choking me. I miss so much the days when Mum gave me advices and helped me solve my problems. She's always been so wise but now I can't reach her and seek for her assistance. And I doubt I'll ever be able to do that. James was born with the ability to see ghosts and he's never met anyone else. It doesn't seem to be something that can be learn and it's clear Mum doesn't have that talent so she will not be able to see me. Ever.

"Mum, I really need one of your advices. Tomorrow I'll see him again and I don't know if I should pretend I don't see him or at least acknowledge his presence. I won't talk to him but should I at least smile at him and greet him? Will that annoy him? Will that make him hate me even more? Ugh," I groan.

I literally hit the table with my face, causing this to jump and startle Mum. I don't feel pain, no matter how hard I hit myself, but the furniture reacts and that scares my mother. She screams and draws back with chair and everything, almost falling back. I jump and try to catch her, but I bump the table again and that makes my Mum scream even more.

"I'm sorry, Mum! I didn't mean to scare you!" I cry but I stay still, afraid that if I move I'll only startle even more.

Mum is still on her chair, hands clutched to her chest and breathing heavily, her eyes are wild and wide, watching at the table as if there were something else there but her spilt tea.

"P-Paige?" she asks, her voice so shaky and my breath gets caught in my throat. My hands tremblingly try to reach her over the table, but then I see her trembling more than I am and her eyes become even wilder but at the same time, emptier. She blinks and blinks, tears falling down her cheeks and then she starts hyperventilating. "My girl... my girl... are you here... my girl..." she cries, barely getting the words out.

"Mum, I'm here. Please, calm down," I try but I can't move. I'm scared I might make things worse if I touch her.

Her breathing keeps picking up and her body is shaking more violently this time. I feel dread fill my body and I'm scared, so scared.

"PAIGE!" Mum screams, startling me, making me fall back with chair and everything. I try to get back on my feet immediately, but by the time I do it, Mum has also fallen from the chair and is unconscious on the floor.

"Mum!" I shout, rushing to her side but not touching her. "Mum, wake up! Mum!" I keep trying, watching her intently and sighing relieved when I see her chest falling and raising.

She's still breathing, she just fainted.

"Mum... I didn't man to scare you. I'm sorry," I whine, my voice breaking and that burning sensation because I want to cry but I can't.

Still, I manage to touch her, stroking her hair and caressing her cheeks, wiping the short brown curls from her forehead. Tears keep falling from her eyes even if she's unconscious and I know it's my fault. I know it because this has happened before because of me. When I grew too desperate and made some noise to get her attention Mum always collapsed. The shock, I assume. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. I just know it was my fault. And I've done it again.

"I'm so sorry, Mum. I'm so, so sorry. I should've been more careful. Mum, please..." My voice is so shaky and fragmented, almost as if I were crying but I'm not. My hands tremble as I take her head and rest it on my lap, trying to keep her in a better position. I also try to put her feet on the chair because I think that's good for when people faint.

Mum doesn't wake up, not even when I manage to drag her to her room and lie her there, covering her and making sure she's comfortable. When she wakes up she'll think she had a dream and will process the events like that. It's what her mind will feed her with in order to cope with the shock. She can't manage the thought I might still be here, even as a ghost, so her mind will provide the theory she can't handle.

I go back to the kitchen, feeling so miserable, but I still clean everything and put things back to where they are supposed to be. Only then I go back to Mum's side and watch her all night, even when she wakes up at some point, looks around confused and seems to think about what happened. I know the moment she accepts it was only a dream and goes back to sleep after putting her pyjama on. I just watch over her all night, remorse eating me alive.

This helps me to make a decision, though. I won't even acknowledge James at college, that will only hurt him even more and make him hate me more. I don't know if it's just me or because I'm a ghost, but I think my presence is toxic and I don't want to make things worse for someone who already has enough. I'll just stay here, as I've done until now, but more careful not to scare Mum again.

So that's why I don't even look up when I go to college. I keep my eyes on the floor, avoiding everyone. I tortured enough people yesterday, I don't need to keep doing this, no matter how bored I am. After what I did to Mum, I don't want to scared anyone for the time being.

I get into the studio and I avoid everyone. I don't even look up at the teacher when they talk. I don't move. I don't anything. I stay on my chair, hugging my legs and trying to block all the noise around me. I should've stayed home but I found myself walking towards college before I even realised it and I'm here again. Maybe due to all what happened here, all the bullying and strong emotions I felt during my living days here I'm bound to this place. Maybe I'm being punished to relive the same routine but without having to go through the hell from the past but a new one instead. A hell that can't touch me but it feels as asphyxiating as the one before.

I don't even notice when the class is dismissed and I'm left all alone behind. I don't even feel like moving. I could stay here. It's not like I need to go to the next class or anything. It's not like I need to work on any assignment. It's not like I have I life. I just come here to haunt this place, to see others live because I can't do that anymore.

"Paige?" someone calls and I freeze. Slowly, I look up just to find James there. I look everywhere around in the studio but no one is there, so I frown. "Are you okay?" he questions next and I just blink at him surprised.

"You're talking to me," I state. Not a question, just a fact. He notices my confusion because he is, once again, talking to me on his own free will without me nagging or following him.

"I... yeah," he confesses, looking flustered. "I just... noticed you were kinda... well, feeling down and I wonder if it's because I left like that yesterday." I don't reply, I just keep staring at him and that allows me to see the light blush in his cheeks. "I just want to clarify that I don't have anything against you in particular. I just don't like ghost in general."

"I know," I say without venom or anything. I don't judge him for that. I wouldn't like ghosts if I were him either.

"Okay. So you're not like this because of me?" he wants to make sure so I shake my head. Still, his expression doesn't change, he looks unease. "Then... why don't you come to the library with me until Photography?"

"What? Me? Do you want me to go with you?" I can't help the incredulous tone in my voice.

He blushes even more and looks away, his hand scratching the back of his neck.

"Well... yeah. It's too quiet now that you're not around and... yeah," he says in a whisper and I swear I can't react for ten seconds, I can only stare at him. He looks so uncomfortable and embarrassed and at that a small smile comes to my lips, a bubbly feeling setting in my tummy.

"Okay," I agree, smiling radiantly and he meets my eyes again, looking relieved now. Then he smiles back at me. "Let's go."

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I hope you liked today's update :D by they way, suggestion for Paige and James ship?

Dedication to @greysweaterzayn for that great comment :)

Bel, xx