Kanton sy kya gila... Wo to majbur hain apni fitrat sy,
Dard to tbh Hua jbh phool bhi zakhm deny lgy 🥀.

"
TW:Mention of eating disorders

"

" Hadi... Apky baazoo py chot ayi hai kya?" najia asked frowning when for the enth time she saw him wince at any activity he was doing.

He looked at her for a few seconds and she raised her eyebrows in confusion.
"han...wo gym main thory chot lg gy aaj subha... Hopefully it didn't tear the muscle." he said eyeing his shoulder which was obviously paining.
"idhr ayen hum apky shoulder py massage krty hain." she said to him and he immediately responded with
"nhi koi zaroorat nhi, tkh ho Jaye ga."

She wanted to insist, but again her overthinking brain didn't let her as it started assuming things on its own accord.
'maybe he doesn't like me touching him'
'maybe he thinks I can't take care of him'

all these thoughts swerved in her head and as she got lost in her own world, a strict voice brought her back to reality.
"Najia Ahmed!" he said with finality lacing his voice.
"I know what you're thinking and let me tell you, I don't want you thinking this stupid shit again. You're perfectly capable of taking care of my shoulder, heck you're a medical student, a soon to be doctor, but it's really nothing to worry about.
It going to get well in a few days. "

He hated lying to her but he couldn't tell her the truth either.
He knew that if she came to know about what he had done the other night to have his shoulder swollen so bad she would hate him.

She hesitantly nodded and he sighed.

Helping someone overcome their insecurities wasn't the easiest thing in the world.
Especially when those insecurities would somehow always be buried somewhere deep inside of you.
No matter how much you try and how much you continue bury them they'll still be there, resurfacing at some point.

Everyone has insecurities, but some are good at hiding them and some have to carry the weight of them, breaking internally and externally.

Believing in yourself and having confidence in your own body isn't every one's game.

Najia went in her room and started studying while Hadi went to shower as he had a night shift at the hospital.
She was revising her notes when she caught sight of hadi's wallet resting on her nightstand.

The other night she was shopping for a few things online and he saw that and and had told her to pay with his card despite the whining and disagreeing from her.
He then used that strict voice that could literally take out your soul from your body and handed her his wallet.

Although he knew that the voice thingy didn't work on her he still used it to tell her how serious he was about it.

She picked the wallet up from the nightstand and headed toward his room.
She thought he'd be still showering so
She opened the door to his room, expecting it to be empty, and entered but the sight in front of her made her heart stop for a moment.

He was trying to put ointment on the huge bruise formed on his shoulder, which frankly did not look like an injury that happened at the gym.

She took slow steps towards him.
He still hadn't noticed that she had entered his room.

She calmly went and stood in front of him, picked the cotton swab from his hand and applied the yellowish liquid on his shoulder.
Her eyes watered seeing the multitude of purple bruises on his chest and belly.

She was trying to hold her emotions in while he was panicking.
He knew.... That she was aware and He knew she'd hate him.

Najia bandaged his shoulder, yes that's how bad it was, and disinfected the other bruises, wincing everytime the liquid burned on his skin and he would let a hiss out of his mouth.

She got up and took the first aid kit with her.
She walked towards the door but he pulled her back, making her land on his lap.
Usually it would make her blush and flustered but right now she didn't want to be here.
She tried wiggling but he only tightened his hold on her waist.

Her looked her in the eyes and she averted them.
"jaany dyn" she whispered.
He shook his head at her and her eyes filled up again.
"no no don't cry...my heart hurts whenever you do" he panicked.

She then looked at him again he saw the vulnerability.... The fear.
"you still do it don't you?" she asked looking at her hands in her lap,
which was more of an statement then a question.

He gulped and looked away, not able to face her.
That only confirmed what she was dreading to hear.
Najia tried containing her sobs but it only got worse.
She tried wiggling out of his hold but he wouldn't bugde.

"I'm so sorry" he whispered.
"no you're not" she responded back.
"cuz If you were you wouldn't have gone there after you said you wouldn't."

He cradled her small little body close to himself and murmured apologies again and again.
She had calmed down a bit so he started speaking.
"I know it's wrong, and I know it's illegal and trust me Najia I want to quit but.... But there's an anger inside me that.... That Beggs to be released and It overcomes me every fucking time.
I swear I tried.... I tried my best but it gets the best of me all the time.... It's something I look forward to every night even though I tell myself that I fuckin shouldn't.... That you are going to be disappointed, that I shouldn't be fuckin beating up people in some shitty underground ring. "
His eyes started filling up.

He hadn't ever cried in front of anyone in his whole life.
Except his queen... His soul ... His Najia.

Hadi was a man of few words, of action but when it came to his wife, his Najia, he'd do anything.

He wasn't scared to show her some sides of himself that no one saw.
He wasn't scared of crying in front of her.
Neither to show his teasing, smiling and laughing self.

She looked up from where she had placed her cheek on his chest and whispered in a soft tone which held more to it.
"you're everything I have Hadi... I don't want to lose you... Since I was little girl all the things I've ever loved where taken away from me from the plushies to the jalebi .... I don't want you to be taken from me as well.... Shouldn't I deserve to keep some happiness? " she explained through sobs.

His heart broke into millions of pieces and he promised himself that he'd change for her.
" you do.... You deserve everything babe.... Everything " he whispered and she closed her eyes in exhaustion.

He put her to bed and kissed her head one last time before taking his white coat and heading to the hospital.
It was going to be a long night.

Najia woke up in the middle of the sweating and whimpering.
She immediately picked her phone and checked the time.

3:32 am.

She heaved a sigh and stood up.
She couldn't go to sleep after that horrible nightmare she had, her Hadi... Her husband was laying in a pool of his own blood.
She shook her head to get rid of the horrible images and splashed some ice cold water on her face.

She decided to do the only thing that would distract her from her thoughts that lately were having a toll on her.

She opened the door to the room where Hadi had kept all of the gym equipment and moved towards the open space.

She put the music on, connected her phone to the Bluetooth speaker and started moving her body to it's rhythm.

Dancing.

She loved it.
It made her feel free like a bird.
It made her feel as light as a feather.
It made her feel like a new person.
Everytime She'd put a different type of music and she'd become a different person.

She could forget about her persona, her problems and be free for a bit.

But today it wasn't enough ... Like a lot of other nights that feeling... It came back.

She neared the mirror and looked at herself in the eyes.
Her gaze then moved towards her neck... Then lower.
She removed the hoodie she was wearing and moved her eyes towards her stomach... Peaking through her crop top.
Her hand went and touched the little flesh on her belly and her eyes filled up.

Memories came rushing back to her.
She didn't want to think like this.
She wanted to love her body... But it was so hard.
She didn't want to return to that dark place again.

Panic attack.

A panic attack that's what was happening to her.
She hadn't had one in months and it felt like it would rip her soul and her body.

'distraction'
'distraction'
'distraction'
Her mind kept chanting.

Her shaking hand grabs her phone and she opened the camera.
Her blurry eyes making it difficult for her.
She placed it in front of her and started recording.

She took a deep breath and started.
"I-I am film-ming cuz I n-need to d-distract myself from making c-cuts on my A-arms and f-from P-pulling my hair."
She continued for a while
And calmed down a bit.

But it didn't end here.
That horrible feeling... That feeling that would destroy all of her progress kept making it's presence know.

The urge...it became stronger and stronger making her body move on its own accord... Taking her to the kitchen and stopping in front of the fridge.

She opened it and gulped.

Her hands worked on its owns and grabbed anything she could eat.
Her arms carrying chips, Nutella, leftovers... Everything she could possibly eat.

She opened the first bag.
Her still shaking hands just shoved food In her mouth continously while her tears fell like a waterfall.

Finished most of the food the stood up.
Now the guilt eating her up.

'noooo..... Why Najia....no no.... You shouldn't have eaten all of this no no'

'I'm going to gain so much weight'

'you have to throw up immediately, this isn't acceptable "

She rushed towards the bathroom and kneeled in front of the toilet seat.
Her fingers going to her throat, making bile rise up.
She continued doing so until nothing else came out of her body.
Her hair sticking to every side of her face due to the sweating.

She rested her back to the wall and paused for a moment.
Again.... She cried.
Why didn't it get easier.
Why did she have to ruin everything she had worked so hard for.
All the visits she made to the psychiatrist... All the days she spent getting herself together... All that was ruined.

She stood up with the help of the wall
And washed her hands and rinsed her mouth.

She needed to do something.
She needed to tell someone and the only person she'd ever Tell this, the only person who wouldn't judge her condition was her husband.

Her slow steps brought her towards where her phone was but again, her drowsy condition made it so difficult to grab it an unlock it.

She finally opened it and clicked on the contacts.
Her eyes watered at her condition and the fact that she couldn't even find his contact number.

"hadiiiiiii" she cried to herself and finally when she found his number her fingers made it quick to click on it and call him.

He responded after a few rings.
"hello" came his calm but confused voice and she burst into tears and sobs.

He immediately became alert.
He distanced himself from the hall where the head doctor was assigning their work and asked:" Najia.... Naju kya Hua.... Ro kiun rhy ho".

He could never handle her tears and the sound of her sobs made him panic at another level.

"Hadiiiii... G-Ghr a Jayen please..... Hmny boht buri hrkaat ki hai Hadiii....
Hadii.... Please ghr a Jayen" she cried and he hopped on his bike immediately after taking his belongings.

"main a rha hun Najia..... Hey hey.. It's fine...."
He then decided to calm her down since she was clearly in a state panic.
His earphones in his ears.

"okay let's play a game okay? Tell me five things that you can see" he told her.
"u-umm d-oor, s-speaker, m-mirror" she whispered in the phone.

"yess baby.... Two more things....what else do you see?"

"phone.... A-and t-towel"
Just as she finished he parked his bike in the parking lot outside their apartment and entered the house as fast as possible.

____________________

EID MUBARAK SBH KOO.

I KNOW I'M LATE BUT BETTER LATER THAN NEVER I GUESS 😅.

HOPE YALL ENJOYED THE CHAPTER.
DO LET ME KNOW.

BYE BYE🤧🚶‍♀️