I've never been close to date a boy. I mean, sure I got some offers but that didn't mean I was going to jump into their arms. 

They were desperate to stick it into something. I knew this. That's why they only asked after being rejected by my pretty friend. 

Yet recently I started talking to a nice boy. He was constantly preaching about respect and consent. Which brought me in. 

We made shallow talk that show no real intention of his interest or lack of for me. I wasn't falling for him, but I wanted to give myself a chance to know him. 

He talked about wanting to be romantic, about taking in slow, about giving more than receiving. 

Yet, as soon as he got the chance to be alone with me in his room, he stopped the movie we were watching and started his plan. He just asked to dance, which we had done before. However this time it was different. He was intentionally rubbing on me. 

"All men are the same" I thought.  

I regretted being with a boy instead of a girl that would probably made me feel less anxious. 

He asked to kiss me, He asked to raise my shirt, he asked to lay on the bed. 

All of these I said yes. Not really out of desire but rather curiosity. I was curious to see what it was to feel kissed, to feel touched. I felt slightly comfortable since he had asked. 

He then asked to take off my pants which I refused. He didn't fight me, he just accepted my boundary which was nice. 

He procedeed to rub on my leg. 

I just laid there, looking at the ceiling, my mind wandering around not really present. 

I thought about romance. The stories I had read. The movies I had saw. The art I had seen.

I thought about how kissing didn't feel good, nor bad. I remembered some internet article saying humans liked kissing because of the many nervous systems in our lips. I considered if that was true.

He was still on top of me. Occasionally making some sort of noise that made me giggle on the inside. It sounded so absurb. I thought it sounded fake. 

After a little while he got off me and just starting talking. Rambling really. 

About past girlfriends, about his views on relationships, about his opinion on virginity (which he knew I am), about his approach to meeting people. 

I couldn't help to think the word "bullshit" during everything. 

"I like to take things slow" You got on top of me as soon as you got the chance. 

"I like to give more to my partner than receiving" You just rub on me for a couple of minutes without doing much that some petting at first. 

"I like being a romantic" There's nothing romantic about this situation. Not even the music. 

I felt upset but I couldn't figure out why. 

I mean he did asked permission and respected my boundaries. He wasn't really pressuring me, I knew I could stop whenever I wanted. 

I just wanted to have the experience. 

Yet I feel used. 

I was just laying there, helping get him off. There was nothing that was particularly pleasurable for me. 

He didn't used me yet that was my remaining feeling. 

I tried to just shake away the nervers. He did call me to make sure I was doing ok. This was also very nice. But I ended future physical things. I did let him know I need an emotional bond.

Which turned out to be my preference. Emotional bond over physical attraction.

I'm not attracted to a body, I'm attracted to the person that owns that body. 

He did say he could see himself wanting to get more serious with me. However I noticed a withdrawl on attention. Less messages, less interest. Really subtle. 

I just don't know his angle. 

He could be lying to get physical. He could be honest. 

I wanted to get the fear of being used out of my head. But I couldn't enjoy my comfort activities. 

Reading love stories, watching romantic movies, drawing couples. Everything reminded me to that moment of feeling used and anxious. 

If I read about a kiss, the sensation of his mouth came up to my mind. 

If I saw a movie about two people falling in love, the feelings and thoughts of "all men are the same, and want just one thing" came back to me. 

I was so upset at this! My comfort activities had been soiled by my curiosity!

The one thing that brought me peace and happines was bringing me back to an unpleasant memory! 

.

.

.

Eventually, my brain started to fade away that experience. I'm used to forgetting and repressing unpleasant feelings. This is not the exception. 

I can once again be comforted. 

My anxiety about being used also decreased, which helps me feel better about maybe seeing this boy again to see how he behaves now that I put boundaries. 

I'm still scared of this happening again. I don't want to feel anxious about being intimate with someone. 

It was very necessary for me to realize things about myself. 

I found a limit for when a situation it's not making me comfortable. I learned about my preference for emotional bonds over physical attraction, also I learned how to communicate that.