1st January 2009

It felt like one of those artful movie clip in filter of black and white print, where a couple is standing in the middle of a room crowded with people grooving, the mass' expressions enthralled in celebration and excitement, while the man in the woman posing at the center face each other, completely lost in the moment – frozen in time, unaware of everything around them.

Everyone who'd look at that picture taken from one of the top bases would have different perception of what the couple were thinking, of what was going on in their personal lives that was so surprising that it completely disconnected them from the surrounding.

Now I knew.

The chap had just told his wife that he considered and wanted to call of their separation.

And the lady wanted to cry. Or maybe, scream. Or either way, fall into his arms. But to be honest, neither was she hundred percent sure about anything.

Actually, that is not true. She was one hundred percent sure of what was supposed to happen and what was she supposed to do, but she wasn't quite sure that she had the courage to go through with it.

"Ved... I..."

Before I could bring up the littlest of courage, the gang crowded around us.

Vaani stifled me pounding with kisses. "Happy New Year, darling!" I hugged her tightly in return. "You are going to be awesome without that boring fart around you," She muttered in my ear.

Vaani belong to the 'in your face' culture of life. She said whatever she thought and was completely fearless. With her heavy vampish makeup, anyone would just know she is never going to be fluffy or submissive around anyone. It made some people – or rather a lot of them – run to a distance away from her, but I loved the way she never apologizes for anything that she says and live her life the way she was damnly pleased to live. She had supported my decision to call it off with Ved right from the start, which sounds brutally ruthless, but as one of my closest friends, I believed she was only taking my stance because she felt it was the right thing for me.

"He wants to try again – give it another shot." I hissed.

"No surprise there. I knew he'd change his mind no matter the amount of discussion you put in." She began. "Olivia, you know it is not working and how long are you going to give it? I love you, I really do, but you're just blowing the finest years of your life on a relationship that doesn't make you happy."

"It does!" I argued. He did make me happy – but he didn't make me ecstatic, thrilled or excited about the future.

We were back in our old 'serene and contentment' situation.

"The two of you are just like flatmates. So, you need to go out and live a little out there, otherwise, you're going to wake up a day when you're thirty-five or forty and regret the fact that you have passed half of your adult life just bored out of your butts."

I laughed at that. She was right, but wasn't that what marriage is about? Accepting the pieces of crap along with the bits of the good things. Ved was a good man, and he loved me, and he never hurt me deliberately. He was... Home.

"What is this evil one crapping about?" Anika asked, almost laughing as she grooved alongside us.

"She is injecting me with all the reasons it would be insane to try again," I replied.

Her eyes broadened. "Don't you listen to her! Vaani, shut your mouth." They had been friends for so long that this moment invited a roll of eyes rather than a sharp criticism. "Look, he loves you. And you love him, too. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find that?"

She had a point. But then, she was the same person who dumped her love who had promptly taken off to Bangalore, so I wasn't quite actually a worshipper in her heart-shaped temple of romantic insights. Now she was dating Aryan, who was perfectly acceptable, but I could sense with ease that her heart was not in it.

I marveled if the other groups of women were having some life-changing conversations while punishing their feet grooving to the beats of NeYo and Pitbull.

No more dancing for me.

I bailed on the other two of them and headed towards the seat when my eye caught Ved and Rachit on their way to the bar in one corner of the hall.

I was going to head back to my table when I noticed Ved already there, watching me come towards him with an eager expression on his face that could only blossom the fact that he wanted an answer I was still not ready to give.

Two choices: fly away or face him. Fly away or face him... Fly away...

I slipped into the seat next to him and rested my head on his shoulder. Safe. There were a lot of things that could've been stated for it. What if I walked away from him and never found love that came even close to this one? What if my expectations were illogically just too high to aspire? What if after losing him I realized that it was a mistake and by that time he had already met someone else? That was what happened with Anika. She ended her relationship with this person she was deeply in love with and regretted about her decision ever since.

The fact that I was constantly asking myself 'What if...?' meant that I was not hundred percent sure that I was on the right track of packing my bags and calling it a day.

"Sorry," he whispered. "It's not necessary for you to give an answer right away. We can talk about this tomorrow – or sometime else."

I should've told him that there was no need to have further discussions regarding this, but that tiny chunk of ambiguity affected my vocal cord to tell him the same. The music had switched again and the DJ had started slowing things down since the countdown ended and the burst of excitement settled.

Nobody is perfect. Not even bloody close to that.

I said nothing until the song ended, thinking everything thoroughly, making up my mind about my decision.

We had to give it one more try. It was a whole new year, and perhaps, we would discover a new dimension of our relationship – the one that was to make it work and shape everything like other people.

Yeah, we can do this. Or at least, we owe it to each other to keep trying until it works, maybe.

Vaani appeared with Rachit behind her. "Okay, so we are going back to our room so that I can begin this new year shaggin' this handsome." He was laughing with his arms around her in agreement to her plan.

A spark of jealousy flared in me. Had we ever been like that? Surely, we were in the beginning... Obviously we were... But I just couldn't find a definite example of such scenario.

"Yeah, I think we are going to do the same thing," I said, feeling Ved's arm tightening around me. Safe. Content. Oh, there was something to be said about that.

I didn't even want to acknowledge Vaani's unpleasing gaze, so I didn't. With the decision made, I stood up, kissed her cheek and waved goodbyes to the lot as we passed the floor on the way out.

The lift was packed with guests, so we decided to not speak much.

"So, you changed your mind?" he said with a glimmer of hope as soon as the door was closed.

I took a nip of wine.

"I did," I said. "I don't want to realize how my life would feel without you there."

And I am a seething coward who doesn't have the courage to face it if in case it turns out to be a bloody mistake. I omitted from saying that aloud.

"Thank God," He heaved in relief. "I love you, Olivia."

"I know."

"Just a sec," He said as I lay down on the bed, waiting for him. Someplace along this very corridor, Vaani was ripping Rachit's clothes off. And in this room, Ved was removing his own clothes, slinging up the blazer in the hanger and folding the rest of his materials into a neat pile.

By the time he had joined me back on the bed, the blend of alcohol and my doubts were combining only to make my anxiety rise.

But I pushed it back down again.

"We can make this happen, Olivia," He said with far more certainty and confidence than I actually felt.

I thought I should have asked him why did he think of it this way now, specially when we had been trying for a year and had failed applaudingly to get back on track. But I kept it inside.

Instead, I pushed my way out from my dress and the cardiovascular-invading support wear, and had sex. A comfortable, predictable and enjoyable form of sex.

Later, when his tender snores told me that he was sound asleep, I got up naked to my toes, and wrapped the bedsheet around me, then sat at the window, gazing at the moonlight and the beads of lights flickering through the busy streets up to a farther distance.

What was I doing?

I was trying. And that is what I was doing. I was being devoted, and hopeful, and strong.

Or weak...

At this point, it was hard to differentiate. 

~

The plan for today was to go downstairs, have breakfast, head home and try making this marriage of ours work. Maybe, if I requested for constant day shifts at the hospital, it would help. It could never have been easy to be married to someone who is to be seen only three times a week, and even on those evenings, she was totally bushed and exhausted.

The roaring headache and the dehydration aside, I attempted at figuring out how was I feeling. I was definitely relieved to not go back home only to start looking for somewhere else to live and squabble at the custody over who get the Tupperware containers. Yes, definitely relieved. And there was a scrap of optimism in there as well.

If I was to be brutally honest though, there was a flock of cells that rebelled on my relief with a nagging doubt that I was doing the wrong thing again and that I should've stood my ground. Uggggh! I just cannot keep having this internal conflicting conversation again. I had been already having it for the last one year and I had no ways to resolve it, stay put and make it work.

We can do this. We can. We had a deep friendship and several years of history – these were worth something to fight for and save. Although, I think I might have to bring the 'folding of clothes into neat piles before sex' thing into talks.

"Hey," Ved said sleepily as I came out of the bathroom.

"We need to go down to the restaurant in the next ten minutes if we are willing to get some food for breakfast."

"I'm starving," He said. "You?"

"I can eat something." I definitely couldn't, but I didn't want to flip as a pathetic person. I also didn't want to add any more pain to my aching head by trying to analyze how we were casually continuing on as normal, as if this morning was just another day, as if nothing happened, as if we didn't decide to windup our marriage last night. It suddenly appeared to have been switched to the place of Olivia and Ved, married couple, with everything as it was before.

He draped into his jeans and a T-shirt, while I tied my wet hair, pulled up the jeans, loafers and a thick jumper. We went down within a couple of minutes to find the rest of the lot already gathered: the fancy coloured excitement of yesterday night replaced by pale and zombie-ish movements.

"Central Hangover, shall I assume?" I asked in a relatable manner.

Anika scowled as she nodded.

I slid in one of the two free vacant chairs. "Great, I will fit right in."

"So, we were deciding on which one of you to be friends with after the separation, or does the fact that the two of you came down with clasped hands mean you have fixed on staying together?" That came from Vaani, as expected.

"God," Anika grimaced. "Someone should give the government a shout-out and let them know about your diplomatic skills."

The other laughed before Ved answered.

"Still together," he said, grinning at me.

I tried to return the gesture but the pain in my head hurt even more, so, I settled for a thumbs up.

Anika cheered at half-volume, "Yayyy! I am so glad you did the right thing. Definitely it is."

Despite Anika's confidence and cheers, my eyes met Vaani's raised eyebrows and I clearly knew what she was reciprocating to say: Are you sure?

This time, I managed half a smile and her whole expression-filled face relaxed. I could sense she was happy about my decision. She loved Ved and until last night, she had opted to stay out of the discussion by telling me that it was totally going to be my decision.

"Aunty will be delighted," Anika chimed. "Have you told her yet?"

"No, but yes, she will be delighted." Mumma's reaction to my gentle note that Ved and I were in trouble was enough to make her dampen with sadness and worry. Every time I had the opportunity to see her since then, she made sure to express her feelings but somewhat assure that my decision should only be mine to call. The good news would surely sprawl her back into her cheerful colours and humming of the eighties' classics.

My stomach pitched as the plates loaded with breakfast was placed in front of me. I ignored most of the English breakfast and took two pieces of bacon, and gulped it down with strong tea. I dropped in and out in their conversations until I heard Rachit mentioning an ambulance.

"Yes, I did see that ambulance. It must have been about four in the dawn. It came roaring up and halted in front of the hotel with its light flashing."

"You were awake at four?" Ved asked.

"I couldn't sleep.

His face flushed with a pinch of guilt. "You should've woken me up, then."

"It's fine. Honestly, I was just sitting by the window for some time." There was no point in sharing the truth of a worry-laden, anxious night. We were heading forward. Forward and upward with out relationship, and if it didn't ache to move my eyes, I'd have rolled it totally at the overuse of clichés. "Anyway, what was it here for?" I continued. "Someone was overly in love with the drinks?"

Rachit shook his head no. "I was out for a smoke in the morning and the gatekeeper told me that a woman was hurt in the toilets. It was a head injury. Her friends had thought she had gone to her bed, so they didn't go out looking for her. She had been lying there for hours.

"Oh, that's awful. Was she okay?"

He shook his head no. She had lost way too much blood being stuck there for too long. That poor girl died on her way to the hospital.