In hindsight, Eli should have known the relative peace he'd enjoyed for more the past few months couldn't last.

He'd managed to escape the clutches of his mother, who was already planning a wedding Eli would rather not think about. It was a harrowing ordeal that involved a lot of bone-crushing hugs and kisses that left Eli's face covered in a very specific tone of pink that would no doubt haunt his nightmares for the foreseeable future. Eli wouldn't have minded so much if his mother didn't invest in high quality makeup that was incredibly long lasting.

Just when he was sure he would get some peace and quiet at home, he was reminded of the existence of Matthew in his life. He would have said it was unfortunate, but recent choices made it clear he didn't really mean that. Eli still sometimes wondered if he wouldn't regret marrying the idiot a few years down the line.

Eli had hoped that Matthew wouldn't be as weird about the whole marriage thing as he was about everything else. Especially as he healed up enough to start preparing for his—as he described it—triumphant return as Vigilante. Eli didn't know if he could call it that after he'd nearly died but decided not to bother pointing it out. Especially if it distracted Matthew. Of course, he was wrong.

"How do you feel about a beach wedding?" Matthew asked from the couch in a voice that made it sound like an amazing idea that wouldn't end in Eli's death.

"Sure, if you want me to burn to death," Eli replied immediately as he fixed up Good Matthew's food. The cat was waiting by his feet, as if he just had to supervise Eli and make sure it was all done to his strict standards.

"Well, when you put it like that," Matthew muttered. He continued scrolling through his phone for wedding ideas. "Huh, maybe we should go for a themed wedding."

"No masks," Eli said as he walked over to his cat's favorite feeding spot.

"You're no fun," Matthew muttered. "Maybe I should call your mom. I bet she'd love to talk about wedding planning."

"I will divorce you."

"Well, we'll need a wedding first so what do you think about cake flavors?"

Eli let out a truly exhausted groan and hoped to God work would provide a reprieve from, well, Matthew. Of course, that was not to be.

Michael was a pox upon Eli's life. It was a truth he'd come to accept about a year into his unfortunate employment. It was also a truth that had become ever more apparent as time wore on. Especially after Matthew came into the picture and proceeded to ruin things even further.

Sometimes, Eli sincerely wondered if the two of them weren't just separated at birth. Two people that irritating could not possibly have come from two entirely different bloodlines. He refused to believe that whatever entity ruled over their fates could be that cruel. Then again, he'd set them both on track to annoy Eli to an early grave, so maybe he was being overly optimistic.

In any case, Eli really shouldn't have been that surprised that work turned out to be far from the reprieve he'd hoped for.

"All I'm saying is it might be worth it to have some quality coffee to keep people awake."

"Oh, and I suppose you'd be providing the quality coffee." Eli didn't know why he was entertaining Michael's attempt to squeeze some money out of him.

"At a reasonable price!" Eli doubted it.

"Yeah, no, we'll pass." Eli continued sweeping and hoped Michael would shut up. Which he should have known better than to expect, to be honest.

"As your future husband's best man, I'm deeply disappointed."

Eli's head whipped around so fast he was afraid he'd have to see a chiropractor. The horror on his face must have been very apparent because Michael had an irritating mix of sadistic glee that only made an appearance when he was at his peak annoyance levels.

"What did you just say?" Eli heard the words, his mind processed the words, his eyes watched Michael form the words that would ruin his day. He just refused to accept they were true because then he'd have to imagine looking at Michael's smug face on what was supposed to be an important occasion. The asshole would probably make it onto the pictures too.

Leave it to Matthew to pick the absolute worst person for the job.

"You know, now I wonder if that was supposed to be a surprise."

"Well it sure as fuck wasn't a pleasant one."

Neither was hearing the ominous sound of the door opening. Eli didn't need to turn around to know that he wasn't going to be happy about who'd just walked in. Not when Michael looked like Christmas had come early and by some mistake, he wasn't getting a pile of coal.

"Hey buddy!" Eli closed his eyes and prayed for patience as Tucker's voice confirmed his fears. Then, he tried not to let his legs buckle when Tucker's ridiculously heavy arm dropped onto his shoulders and the idiot leaned on his unfairly scrawny friend.

"Get off me before you crush me," Eli grumbled, trying to shove Tucker away.

"Are you calling me fat?" Tucker had no right to sound that insulted.

"Well, you did eat half a pizza plus wings the last time you were over." Which wasn't unusual, if Eli was being honest. Sometimes, it seemed like everyone in his life required insane amounts of food to survive and Matthew was only too happy to buy a stack of pizza for a bunch of starving college students.

"That's him having a light dinner." Eli peered over his shoulder and found Collin watching on with entirely too much amusement. "But maybe you should let Tiny Tim go before you actually crush him."

"You guys are the worst," Eli muttered.

He was only relieved to know that his friends hadn't been told about Eli being engaged. There was only so much he could take before snapping and tossing them all out. Michael, when Eli looked at him, was clearly doing his best to contain himself. As soon as Matthew had let Eli's boss know, Eli had swore he would quit if Michael so much as breathed a single word about it to anyone else

The effort of keeping his mouth shut threatened to give Michael a stroke.

Maybe it was a good thing that the door opened once again. Or so Eli thought until he glanced back, expecting to see some random customer. Instead, he was met with his worst nightmare.

"Oh, hey guys," Vanessa greeted when she spotted Tucker and Collin terrorizing Eli.

His attention, however, was not on Vanessa. Eli's attention was on the impeccably dressed woman striding in behind his friend, dressed in a fitting color Eli would describe as "Satan Red". Matching heels clicked against the cheap coffee shop floor like each little sound was a tick of the clock counting down the last seconds of Eli's sanity.

Before him stood Adria Fisk.

Eli wasn't sure whether to go cry in the backroom or make a run for it. Either way, all of his least favorite people plus Vanessa were in the room and Michael had—worryingly enough—just pulled out a packet of chips from behind the counter. Clearly he was prepared for a show.

Eli was just worried about why.

"Well, if it isn't the little shit that could." Adria's greeting left much to be desired.

"Aren't you supposed to be under a house getting your shoes stolen?"

Adria smiled at him. Eli smiled back. Neither really meant the gesture because they were both sarcastic assholes at heart.

"Always love to see you two bonding." Both Eli and Adria looked at Vanessa without a hint of guilt.

"I'm just making friendly talk," Adria said, voice smooth and charming much in the same way that Lucifer had once been. He watched in resignation as Adria sidled up to Vanessa, an arm going around her before she looked up at Eli with an expression of utmost smugness.

Eli, for all that he wished Adria would move to another country, was resigned to his fate. He just still couldn't believe he was unlucky enough to have had Vanessa and Adria run into each other at his place. Apparently, he'd pissed off some major deity in his past life because not only did they meet, but they then decided to nearly give Eli an ulcer by deciding to date. The only thing keeping him from convincing Matthew Adria was evil and should be run out of town, was the fact that she seemed truly content with running a completely legitimate business. He supposed she'd seen what a life of crime was like thanks to her father and wanted no part in it. Eli was grateful for small mercies.

"So what are you three up to?" Vanessa asked. She had that look on her face that spoke of a deep suspicion of whatever her friends were up to. Eli thought it was fair, given all the shenanigans they tended to get into.

"Why do you suspect me when I'm the one trapped here until my shift's over?"

Vanessa leveled him with a look that spoke of a deep distrust. The kind that only came from knowing someone very well.

"We only came for the free coffee," Collin chimed in.

"What free coffee?" Eli looked at him with a frown because he hadn't heard anything about any sort of promotion. He actually didn't think Michael's miserly soul could survive giving away so much as a cornchip.

"If you guys want coffee we just got a really nice blend," Michael cut in before Collin could answer. Eli leveled him with a suspicious glare. His moron-senses were tingling.

While Collin and Tucker were arguing about who was there first and, therefore, who should get their coffee first—all while Vanessa tried to shut them up—Eli went behind the counter and promptly cornered Michael. His boss wasn't surprised.

"Okay, what are you up to?" Eli hissed, keeping his voice to a near whisper just in case.

Michael simply stared at him, utterly unimpressed. He popped a chip into his mouth. Eli had to remind himself that strangling his boss would do him no favors as he watched him calmly chew his chip.

"Whatever do you mean?" Michael asked with the sort of smug patience that almost made the petty part of Eli respect him.

"I've unfortunately worked here long enough to know you're full of shit. Obviously, you're up to something."

"Why, Eli, you wound me. Whatever would make you say that? It's almost like you think I'm some conniving asshole."

Eli gave him the flattest look he could muster.

"Uh, huh. Seriously, what the hell?" He glanced back at where Tucker and Collin's argument had devolved into a game of rock, paper, scissors. Vanessa, as the one holding all the braincells of the group, was serving as referee.

Michael gave a sigh, setting aside his bag of chips. It was all rather dramatic. Eli supposed it was very much in character for Michael, daytime drama fan that he was.

"I just wanted to give you a chance to make your big announcement."

Eli stared at Michael, his brain working double time to remind him of all the reasons he shouldn't kick him in the shins.

"You're definitely not invited," Eli said. Michael snickered. "And if you say anything to anyone I will quit in the middle of the holiday season." It was always a mess that time of year and Eli would be ecstatic to not have to work.

"Oh, I would never do that." Michael smiled. It was the type of smile that reinforced Eli's belief that Michael was up to something absolutely awful. The kind of smile that reminded him of the Grinch at peak evil-ness. He had only a moment to consider what it could possibly mean. "But I hope I'm not the only one you told to shut their mouth."

And that's when the door opened for the third time. Some part of Eli knew that he was going to regret turning around to see who it was. Another part told him to just get it over with because things weren't going to get better by him just pretending his life wasn't a mess.

Rip the ban-aid off, his mind told him with a tone that was distinctly resigned. Maybe even a bit mournful.

For a brief instance, Eli did his best to convince himself it was just an actual customer. Maybe a harried college student needing something to keep them awake. Eli could at least sympathize with that particular type of client. But no. Eli wasn't lucky enough for that to be the case.

"Guess who just got an appointment to figure out the wedding cake!"

Eli wasn't even surprised.

The same couldn't be said of everyone else as they turned to look at the idiot who'd just walked in with a cheery grin that froze in place just like the owner of said stupid grin. Eli could almost see the gears turning in Matthew's head as he figured out he'd just blabbed to a coffee shop of their closest acquaintances. Behind him, Eli heard the crunch of a chip.

"Uh, a mutual acquaintance, that's who." If Eli thought it was worth the effort, he might have facepalmed at the absolutely pathetic attempt at a cover Matthew had come up with.

As his friends devolved into a chattering mess as they cornered both him and Matthew, Eli had to question whether he would ever have a single day that would be nice and normal and quiet. He looked at Matthew's sheepish expression and figured it wasn't likely. He found that he didn't really mind.

"In my defense, I didn't expect literally everyone to be at the shop." It was a shitty defense. The look on Eli's face probably told Matthew as much.

They were just getting back home after the disaster Matthew had caused at the coffee shop. Eli was absolutely exhausted. He trudged in as Matthew opened the door and barely made it to the couch, where he promptly face planted onto it. Briefly, he wondered if it was too late to move to another country and start over. He'd obviously take Good Matt.

He might take Matthew too.

"I'm suing for emotional damage," Eli said, voice muffled by the couch. Matthew must have still understood him because he heard the jerk snort in amusement at his suffering. "And I'm definitely divorcing you." It was at that moment that Eli's cat decided to make his appearance. He did so by hopping on top of Eli and settling right on the back of the redhead's head in a clear attempt to put him out of his misery.

"Well, it might be an annulment if you do it right after the wedding." Matthew sounded much too chipper, considering what he was saying. Eli felt a struggle ensue between both Matts before the weight on his head was gone and he heard an insulted sounding yowl. There was a muffled curse as Matthew was no doubt scratched. "Aw, are you mad that you didn't get to make a big announcement?"

Actually, Eli was considering not telling anyone until the last minute. It would save him—at the very least—months of torture. Especially because they still had no idea when they were going through with the whole debacle. Eli was sure Matthew had ideas about that, though, so he didn't worry. Matthew just seemed like the kind of idiot who knew whether he wanted a spring wedding or not.

"Ugh, just go away. Go do your bootleg Batman stuff."

"Rude," Matthew said with a huff. "The sun hasn't even gone down. Do you want the cops to catch me?"

Eli could have laughed. The thought of the cops having a chance in hell at getting Matthew was hilarious. As much as Matthew could be an idiot, he was very good at evading the cops. After all he'd managed to do it for years even with how much he absolutely loved giving the media some good material.

"If they get you I'm feigning ignorance," Eli said. He wondered how well he'd be able to pretend to know nothing about his boyfriend's superhero persona. He wasn't sure how believable he could make it, but he'd do his best to sell himself as an oblivious idiot who just happened to not notice his boyfriend going missing for hours at a time almost every night. At least that'd give him a chance to break the idiot out.

"Fair enough," Matthew said, resigned to being thrown under the bus. Or maybe he just suspected that Eli wouldn't actually let him go to prison. "But, I thought I'd stay home tonight."

"Why?" Eli actually turned his face away from the couch to shoot Matthew a suspicious look.

"Because sometimes I like to have a quiet night at home?" Matthew asked, as if it was odd that Eli was even asking. He sighed, shoulders slumping when it was clear that Eli wasn't convinced. "I've been thinking about this whole Vigilante thing," Matthew said, nudging Eli so he could perch on the edge of the couch.

"About how weird it is, or just in general?" Matthew shot him a glare that only got a huff from Eli. It was truly a pathetic look. Matthew had to work on his glares if he wanted them to work on Eli.

"It's just, I know you said it's fine if I keep going, but I've been wondering if maybe it's time I put it all away."

Well now, that was a conversation Eli should probably sit up for. He didn't, but he probably should have.

"And what brought on this very rare bout of self reflection?"

"What can I say, nearly dying does things to a guy." Eli supposed that was true. Though he hadn't had any profound changes after getting stabbed, so maybe he didn't quite understand Matthew. "Mostly though, I've been thinking about whether it's worth it."

They were quiet for a moment, both gathering their thoughts. Eli stared at the coffee table and decided to sit up because laying like that couldn't be good for his neck.

"You know, I still think you're absolutely freaking insane for doing what you do. Especially since you don't get paid." Matthew snorted as Eli made himself comfy on the couch. "But I also sorta think what you do is worth it. Sometimes," Eli very grudgingly admitted. "You have actually helped a lot of people."

"Yeah, well, I also nearly got you killed. Repeatedly."

"And that sucks. I mean, ten out of ten would not recommend. Still, that's the kinda thing I figured would happen when I took your sorry ass back after you came back. You know, that time you let me think you died, remember?"

"Not gonna let that go, are you?" Matthew muttered, but his lips were twitching as he fought a smile.

"Oh, I'm taking out a full page ad to tell everyone about your bullshit when you finally go belly up." Eli should probably start drafting it just to make sure he included all the most idiotic things Matthew got into. At the very least, he should start listing things.

"I'm starting to worry about how sure you sound that I'll die first."

"Well, I'm not the one jumping off of buildings." Eli was self-admittedly a few short of a full set of brain cells, but Matthew was probably working with less than half a set judging by the stunts he pulled.

Matthew sighed, leaning back against the couch and looking so tired Eli wondered if maybe it wasn't a good idea for him to step back after all.

"I guess I just don't want you to get hurt," Matthew said after a while, for once serious.

Eli wasn't surprised. In the end, everything always came down to Matthew's need to keep him from ending up as a casualty of his vigilantism. He might have been more touched by the concern if it wasn't all so stupid.

"Listen, I don't like getting stabbed, but I think we both know it's just as likely that some rando on the street will mug me for all of the twenty bucks in my wallet even without you doing your weird superhero shit." Eli should probably work on his tact. Still, it was all true enough. Matthew probably was aware of that because he had a vague look of agreement. The grudging sort that usually came from realizing Eli was right. "I guess, what I'm saying is you need to do what you want to do. Are you thinking of quitting because you want to? Or is it because you have a weird obsession with making sure I don't kick the bucket before I get my first wrinkle?"

"You really have a way with words," Matthew said, voice flat as he looked at Eli.

"Maybe I was a friggin' poet in my past life," Eli said with a grin. Matthew's lips twitched up into a smile. The kind that made his eyes light up. At least he wasn't moping around anymore, so Eli figured that was a good sign.

"I don't know. Part of me wants to stop. To just have a normal life, to sit around and watch awful game shows with you." He shot a little grin at Eli who was absolutely offended at the thought of his shows being bad. "But I don't know if I can do that when I know someone could need help out there."

Eli sometimes wondered how Matthew could stand being such a bleeding heart. Maybe he was just too selfish. After all, Eli wanted very little more than to have a nice, peaceful life with the idiot he happened to love. And maybe a winning lottery ticket.

Sadly, both of those wants seemed very unlikely. But he would settle with the bare minimum and keep Matthew around, even if he brought nothing more than chaos to his life.

"Then do what you can for as long as you can handle it, and when you get tired, well, you did more than most people ever bother to." Definitely more than Eli would ever do. "Just, maybe stick to petty criminals."

"No more organized crime and mercenaries then?"

"Not unless you want me to actually leave you." Eli could only handle getting stabbed so many times. Matthew snorted. Matt chose that moment to return, hopping up onto Eli's lap to get some much needed attention. Eli lived with two attention whores and wouldn't have it any other way.

"I guess I can keep going for now. Just, with more breaks."

Eli thought that was a good enough compromise. Especially with how obsessive Matthew could be about his stupid hobby. Toning things down a bit was more than he could hope for. At least, for the time being.

"Alright, well, maybe you can make a schedule. Draw some not-at-all-suspicious little masks on the calendar on the days you're planning to skulk around the city." Eli figured that was a very Matthew thing to do. On his lap, his cat made himself comfier as he received some A+ scratches.

"Why must you mock me?" Matthew asked very dramatically.

"Because someone has to or you'll go full Dark Knight." Eli couldn't actually picture that because Matthew was just too much of a moron. He was all puppies and rainbows most of the time. "And stop worrying about me. Seriously. I survived in the dingiest apartment in the worst neighborhood for a while before I met you and you know what Adria always says about me."

"That you're a yappy chihuahua that needs to get punted to the next state?" Well. That was fucking rude.

"No, you asshole, the thing about me being like a cockroach that won't die."

"You know that's not a good thing, right?"

"It's Adria. That's about as nice as she gets."

"I don't know about that. I mean, she's plenty nice to Vanessa."

Eli was suddenly feeling nauseous.

"Please don't remind me of that." Eli wanted to hide his face into the couch again so he wouldn't have to face the world. Or maybe just sink into it and become one with the couch. He settled for leaning back and closing his eyes because maybe then he could fall asleep and wake up free of the mental image of Adria and Vanessa. Matthew just snickered, reveling in Eli's suffering.

"You know we'll have to see her at the wedding," Matthew pointed out, because he was an asshole. Eli didn't have to open his eyes to know he was smirking.

"I'm starting to reconsider the whole thing." After all, plenty of people never bothered with tying the knot. Eli didn't really care either way. Matthew, on the other hand—well, it was obvious to anyone who knew him that he enjoyed making a show of things.

"Nope, too late. Your mother's involved now." That was a fair point. It was truly inevitable now. "Besides, it'll be fun!"

Matthew said this as he tugged Eli closer, making him finally stop trying to sleep his way out of the conversation. When he looked at the idiot, he was grinning so brightly Eli knew he wouldn't be able to skip his own wedding. A real shame, that. He wouldn't mind riding off into the sunset with his cat and a whole wedding cake for himself.

He supposed it was just a sacrifice he had to make. And it was only fair, really, considering Matthew was at least trying to ease up on the whole Vigilante thing for Eli's sake.

"You and I have very different ideas on what 'fun' is." Eli tried to shove Matthew off because he couldn't complain properly while being hugged. Just took away from any vicious looks he might want to use. It didn't help that Matt was still fighting to keep his spot on Eli's lap, sending his vicious little cat glare at Matthew.

"Well, we can work on that. But look on the bright side, there'll be lots of food. And cake!" That was a very good point. Eli paused to consider it and Matthew took it as his chance to plant a quick kiss on Eli's lips. He grinned like the smug jerk was. "'Course, I don't care if you really don't want to make it a whole event. Just as long as you still promise to stay with me."

Eli felt his face heat up. Matthew had a way of saying the sappiest things when Eli least expected him to. It was a real pain in the ass sometimes. At that moment though, Eli didn't really mind it all that much.

"Although Michael's gonna be heartbroken if he doesn't get to be my best man."

Eli was still strongly considering eloping. 

# #  #

Well, this was a long one! It was also a long wait for it, which I'm very sorry about. I've been busy, depressed, then busy again, then had to deal with heat waves, wrote a lot, had to take several trips to the vet which is a pain because it's very far from my house (they joy of having exotic pets), so yeah. At one point I checked which writer I supposedly write like with some of my stories and the results were funny. Albatross was me at my peak Neil Gaiman, my current WIP is me channeling the spirit of Charles Dickens apparently, and this one is my shining jewel, my Lovecraftian horror. But now we're done! 

At least with the main story. You all know how much I love adding little extras, haha. So yeah, while the story may be marked as done, I'll probably post some little shorts later on. In the meantime, maybe check out Tales From a Teenage Henchman! It's funny in a dumb way and it has some little drawings I added! So yes. 

Also, I have a Patreon! If you wanna help me pay vet bills while also seeing some random bits of concept art, and info on my upcoming stuff, check that out! Link's on my profile and if you become a patron you'll see some stuff I've posted already. Like the cover for my next story! In the future I'll also be posting early updates and maybe even exclusive stories up there and I may or may not toss in some neat little gifts when I get higher tiers. 

But anyway, hope you all enjoyed this story. For all the flaws it has, and all the time it took to finish it, I had fun writing it. Thank you all for your continued support and I hope I can keep writing stories you'll enjoy!