JACE

"Jace Wilder?"

I sit up in my chair and drop the Psychology Today magazine I'd been thumbing through onto the table next to me. "That's me."

"Dr. Holloman will see you now," the receptionist says, and I breathe a sigh of relief. One step closer to working through this disaster.

"Thank you." I walk through the open door and back to Dr. Holloman's open office.

Knocking on the doorframe, I poke my head in and Dr. Holloman removes his gold rim glasses and stands, his bright smile immediately improving my mood. "Jace, good to see you. Come on in, have a seat." He gestures to the fluffy, red armchairs in front of his desk, and I plop down in one with a heavy sigh. He sits back down and settles in behind his desk, propping his elbows on the glass top.

"Hey, doc. Thank you for fitting me in even though I'm not scheduled for another two weeks."

"Of course. It was clear you needed to talk." He leans back in his chair and folds his hands over his round stomach. "What's going on, Jace? Has something else happened with Hannah?"

I shake my head. "No. Hannah is out of my life. It's not her, it's—it's someone else."

He raises a dark eyebrow. "You met someone?"

"Remember my roommates I told you about?" Dr. Holloman nods and I continue, "Desi. It's her. I know I said when they moved in that there would be no drama, but things happened, and she and I ended up in this..." I tilt my head back and forth, "fake dating scenario that sort of turned into a real dating scenario."

"Fake dating? How do you fake date someone?" He holds up his hand and shakes his head. "On second thought, let's not go there right now. Clearly, the fake dating turned into something more."

I swallow and lean back against the chair, staring at the ceiling before meeting his gaze. "That's an understatement. Doc, she's perfect. Smart, kind, funny as hell, beautiful. But the timing is all wrong. She has these over-the-top family responsibilities, and I just signed this talented designer to my firm. She had no choice but to move back home to take her place in her," I pause and choose my words carefully, "family business, so if we wanted a shot at anything serious, I'd have to move, and I just—I can't."

"Why can't you? You work from a computer screen and own your own business. I'm having a hard time seeing what is tying you down."

I went through a couple of doctors before choosing Dr. Holloman. I hated feeling coddled and treated like everything I was doing was a normal part of my healing process. The minute I walked into Dr. Holloman's office he told me he doesn't serve up shit sandwiches. I wouldn't always leave feeling warm and fuzzy, but I would always know he told me the truth and gave me the opportunity to tell mine. His straightforward approach spoke to me, and he has held firm to his word to this day.

"I just can't do it. I can't commit to a relationship. I'm too busy with getting the business off the ground. It wouldn't be fair to either of us," I say, because I can't explain to him that I can't run a business in the human realm from Infernis.

"That's fair. The business is more of a priority than a relationship right now. Even if the relationship is with a 'perfect' woman?"

"Yeah?"

"That's your decision to make, Jace. How does she feel about all this?"

Emotion builds inside of me and gets lodged in my throat. "She left yesterday."

He nods once, but infuriatingly, he presses, "That's not what I asked. How does she feel about it? Did you talk to her? Ask her what she wanted."

"It doesn't matter what she wants because I'm not ready for that level of commitment again. I don't know if I ever will be."

He narrows his eyes. "That's what I thought. You were hiding behind your job. This isn't about your career, Jace. What is this really about? Stop hiding."

"I've worked hard to get where I'm at. I can't give that up!" The anger laced in my voice is proof of my denial even to me, so I change tactics. "Her life is out-of-this-world. She deserves a guy that is made for that shit. I'm not fancy parties and black ties."

He cocks his head to the side. "So...you can't give up what exactly? The wall you've built so high that you've given up a person who clearly brought you joy? Because you don't think you'd be a good date at parties or look good wearing a tuxedo? We've always been real with each other, Jace, so pardon my language, but I call bullshit." He points at his three degrees on the wall. "You do realize I went to school for a long time for those pieces of paper, right? I know when a patient is in denial. It's Psych 101. And you, Mr. Wilder, are in it." He stands up and comes to sit next to me in the other armchair. "Be honest with yourself: are you happier with this girl or without her? And if it's with her, is whatever you're 'giving up' worth the chance to be with her?"

"I'm so fucking happy with her, and that's what scares me. My own mother didn't want to stay for me or my dad."

"We've worked through this. You know that was her decision and her failure. You've said as much yourself. You didn't make her leave, she left by her own accord." I open my mouth to give my next rebuttal, and Dr. Holloman lifts a hand to stop me. "And before you bring up Hannah, you know the answer to that as well. She was selfish. Is this woman anything like your mother or Hannah?"

"No," I say like a scolded child.

"Did she want you to go with her to wherever she went?"

I bury my face in my hands as all the times Desi said she wished I was going with her plays through my head. If it hurts this bad to know I brushed off those gentle pleas, how the fuck did she feel? She has to be gutted and I have no one to blame but myself.

I drag my palms down my face and say, "Yes."

"Then why didn't you go with her, Jace? It's a simple question. And do not tell me because of your work. That's a tired excuse. You could start the same type of business wherever she lives."

"You don't understand. She is looking for forever. I don't believe it exists for two people. One day she will regret me, find me a burden, wish I was someone else. I'm desirable now, but what happens when she realizes I was a mistake?"

Dr. Holloman raises his eyebrows and says, "And there it is. Jace Wilder's driving force. The reason he has surrounded himself with work instead of people. The reason he doesn't cultivate deep seated relationships. The reason he still doesn't find himself worthy and let his perfect partner slip through his fingers. This woman is not your mother. She isn't Hannah. And she deserved a real chance to prove herself. You robbed her and yourself of that."

I suck in a breath and hot tears burn the back of my eyes. Fuck. He's fucking right. That's exactly what I did. Desi never once gave any indication that she'd let me down, abandon me, or even so much as raise her voice to me in anything more than irritation over cups.

And what did I do? I sent away the girl I love with Cann—

Oh, God.

Love.

I love her. I love Desideria more than I could have ever imagined myself loving another person. I caused more damage to myself letting her go than Hannah or my mother did put together. I denied myself the chance to be loved and give it to someone deserving. But it doesn't matter now because she's gone and there is nothing I can do to get her back. Ever.

I'll never again twirl her soft curls around my fingers or kiss her soft lips. My home won't be filled with her laughter, and I'll never get unreasonably frustrated with the easy way she can do the most menial of tasks. My nights of staring into her dark room while she sleeps and holding her in my arms are over. The sweet lust filled moans, tight heat of her body, and her desire to please me in return will become faded memories. She won't wake beside me as I marvel at what a spectacular being she is.

I close my eyes and attempt to sear those memories deep into my mind. Her dayglow green eyes, fiery hair, porcelain skin, each part of her perfect. Even the seven-pointed star marking her as a demon was flawless. I freeze and picture the translucent symbol, slightly lighter than the rest of her skin. Since I've learned of the identifying sign of angels and demons, it has become second nature. And today, when I saw the same discoloration on Cannon's chest, it didn't register.

I stand as the swirling edges of his mark forms in my mind. He didn't possess the harsh lines of the star.

No, Cannon bears a sun. The mark of an angel.

An angel stepping into Infernis where the peace and balance flowing through his being will infect the chaos the demons and energies thrive on.

I look at Dr. Holloman with wide eyes. "Fuck. I've got to stop him."

He stands and his eyes dart across my face. "Stop who?"

"Cannon. I have to stop Cannon before he hurts Desi."

Because even though him being in Infernis would be disastrous for everyone in both the demon and human realm, the only person in my thoughts is the woman I've fallen desperately in love with.

I rush from the office and race for my car. Images of Cannon so accommodating to everything Desi needed, so eager to wedge his way in with her, even if what she wanted was me. I should have seen it. The nights he enticed me with the distractions that kept me from getting closer to her. And all his fucking efforts to become the second-best option, the default when I let her down. He wanted it all, to be rule the world, or take over a demonic realm.

I reach the bus station and sprint through the lobby. When the hallway to the storage room comes into view, I swear I take my first breath since piecing this all together. I open the steel door and come face to face with the gum-smacking medium. They stop filing their nails and slowly look up at me.

"Access denied. You already spent two days in another realm," they say.

I lean over and place my palms on my knees to catch my breath and then look back up at them. "You've gotta be kidding me. I have to get to Infernis, and I have to go now. It's necessary that I speak with Desideria."

They raise a dark brow and tap a long nail on the desktop. "If I let you go, you'll never be able to come back to this realm. As in, like, ever."

"I understand, but you have to let me through. You let an angel go to Infernis."

"I know. He was given clearance."

I throw my hands in the air and shout, "Why would you do that? You know what happens if he stays there."

The medium doesn't so much as flinch at my outburst. "Who do we look like, Dex? Angel and demon affairs aren't our business. We don't make judgments. We watch the portals to protect humans. So as long as you're safe, we've done our job. In fact, if I let you go, I'm putting you in danger. You've already spent your time in Infernis; if you go down there again, your body could give out. There are no guarantees that your energy won't leave you, and if that happens...well, humans and demons might make great sexual partners, but demons and energies with no bodies do not."

Pure panic and frustration boil within me. They have given me the speech, and I understand the risks. If I don't intervene, my everything, my reason to truly live again dies. I could let Desi go knowing she was safe within her own realm, but I can't stomach the thought of living in a universe where she no longer exists.

Through gritted teeth, I say, "Please, let me pass. I've made my choice and I choose chaos. I choose the Princess of Sloth."

"Wait. Is this a declaration of love?"

"Fuck yes, it is!"

The medium stands and for the first time since I've entered their dingy space, they smile. With sure strides, they move to the broom cabinet and open the door. "Why didn't you say so? We have a soft spot for acts of love."

I can't even bring myself to shoot them a dirty look; I'm too fucking worried about Desi. I step into the cabinet and as soon as the medium closes the doors and wishes me safe travels, that whooshing sensation fills my ears. My knees go weak, and I reach out to brace myself against the walls, but they've vanished. I fall to my knees and drop and drop and drop. Nothing meets my fall. The world tilts—all sense of direction is completely gone.

I hold my breath, knowing it only takes seconds for the door to open to Infernis. But the fall doesn't stop, the door doesn't open. A heaviness like I've never known crushes me. My bones ache under the weight and a white, hot flash of pain courses through me, then...nothing.