seventeen yr old rosie is so much cooler than me that's not good for my self esteem

Chapter Twenty

September 18th, 2015

My lungs are on fire. Drowning feels inevitable. The cold of the water bites into my skin, and my heart begins to accelerate. I need to breathe.

I jerk up, trying to get to the top of the pool, but I forget there is a rope holding my wrist down. I can't resurface. I can't breathe. I'm going to die.

Calm. I need to be calm. I tug the rope around my wrist, attempting to slide my hand out, but nothing. I don't need to call for Icah to help before he's beside me, grabbing both ends of the rope and pulling them, breaking it instantly. 

He takes hold of my arm, and helps me swim to the top of the pool, when I resurface, he doesn't, as he had already returned back into me.

I gasp, choking on the abundance of air that is now overwhelming my lungs. I grasp the edge of the pool like it is my lifeline, as I slowly begin to breathe normally.

"Eleven minutes and forty-nine seconds. That's seventeen seconds longer than last time." Singh says to me, as he is standing above me with a watch in his hand. 

I was so fucking close to twelve. "I want to try again."

"I think you need a break." 

I don't argue with him, though I disagree. He holds his hand out, and I don't think twice about taking it. He pulls me out of the water, until I'm standing beside him.

"You're pale." He comments, and I do detect a concerned note in his tone. "Perhaps you should hold off on training for a few hours until you recover."

"I'm fine." I say grabbing a towel, and wrapping it around my body.

"You have to take care of yourself, Rosie. Nobody is going to do it for you." As he says this, I can't help but stare at the wrinkles around his eyes. The small grey hairs bleeding out slowly across his scalp. His once black hair, now salted. I wonder if I look as tired as he does.

"I said I'm fine."

"Famous last words." He clamps a hand around my shoulder, "Don't hurt yourself, kid."

The irony of his statement does not bend around me. I choose not to call him out. "How long is Lindy's record?"

"Four minutes, seven seconds."

The only reason I was able to triple her record is because of Icah. We share the same lungs, of course I have an advantage, but the advantage should be longer. "I want to try again."

He heaves a sigh, "So be it."

Dropping the towel onto the tiled floor, I jump back into the water.

The next morning, I'm up early, searching through my closet for a certain outfit that Singh liked for me to wear. I liked it because it was convenient, and comfortable, two things that never seem to go together in terms of clothing here in the compound. Singh liked it because it was professional. It was pristine. It was clean. 

"I can't remember where I put it." I say to Icah, who is standing outside of my closet, watching me frantically throw things out. I didn't realize just how many separate outfits I have accumulated over the years until now. I should probably clean them out.

I accidently throw a shirt on him, but don't apologize as he grabs the shirt, and holds it out in front of him, as if to examine it like a foreign object. "Rosie." He calls for me, but I ignore him, so he continues what he was going to say anyway, "Have you checked under the bed?"

"I think I would know if it was under the bed." I mumble at him, and return to searching for the hideous navy blue jumpsuit, that Singh loved so much. Perhaps that is why I like it so much, because it is ugly, and it reminds me that my looks have no use here. Convenience is more useful than beauty.

At least, that is what I tell myself.

I don't realize he has walked away until he comes back, tapping my shoulder lightly. Annoyed, I turn to him, "What?" 

He lifts up the jumpsuit, and I frown. I don't thank him as I swipe it from his hands. We walk into the bathroom, the only place I was certain there were no cameras, not anymore. Singh mentioned he trusted me enough to give me privacy. 

I pull off my clothes, Icah stares at me in the mirror. There are no barriers between us. Anything I see he sees, it's not like he hasn't seen me naked before. I've decided to stop letting it bother me years ago. We are one, my body should not be an awkward subject between us.

Even if it was covered in scars.

"Today is a big day." I don't speak to him out loud. I don't want the cameras overhearing outside.

"Yes." Icah responds, almost robotically.

"If he says no again, I'll never be able to wait another year."

"Yes." He says again.

I pull the jumpsuit on, and Icah zips up the back as I begin to fix my hair up. "Maybe if I look nice, he'll be kinder. I'm wearing this jumpsuit for him, after all."

"Yes."

I turn to him, and blurt out loud, "Can you say anything but yes?" 

"Do you wish me to say something else?"

I click my tongue, "What's got you so sarcastic this morning? The attitude is unlike you."

I see him blink at me in the mirror, "You think I'm being sarcastic?"

I shake my head and sigh, "Nevermind."

"I'm sorry if I've made you mad."

"I'm not mad." 

"You are not happy."

I bite down a frown. "Of course not, I'm thrilled."

He, on the other hand, does frown, "That was sarcasm."

I pat his shoulder, "Always the best detective, Icah." I move past him out of the bathroom, and knock three times on the door. It opens, and I compose myself to an even walk through the hall. Icah follows behind me, a the lights dim in the hall for him.  

About a year ago, Singh had proposed the idea that Icah could try an stay out longer. That he is just as useful outside as he is inside. Now, every time Icah walks beside me, those watching behind the cameras make sure to dim the lights, so that Icah is more comfortable. I wonder just how long they will cater to him, until they get bored like they did with me.

I stand in front of the one room I used to get nervous walking into. I knock on the door three times, and it is opened for me. Icah returns into me, and I walk in. Singh is sitting at his desk per usual, there is a stack of papers in front of him, and beside him, and behind him. Most of them, I would assume, are about me.

"Hello Rosie." He says with his usual smile, "To what do I owe the pleasure of this early visit?"

I sit on the chair in front of his desk, and lean back, "Do you know what day it is?"

His eyes crinkle with amusement, "I do."

My heart beats rapidly. I haven't been this excited in a long time. He must say yes today.  "Due to the occasion." I dance with my words, purposely trying to lighten the subject. "I feel as though I should be able to ask."

"Rosie." He crosses his arms on his chest, I can tell he's fighting down a smile, "Ask what you're going to ask. Let's get this over with."

"You promised me last year." And the year before that, and the year before that, "That on my birthday you would let me go up to the second floor." 

The second floor was where those who have been trained since birth to kill the infected live. They were highly skilled in their craft, knowing about and studying Icah's kind was their livelihood.

I wanted to train with them, I wanted to know what they knew. I wanted to converse with people who were not stuck in my head, I wanted to talk to someone who wasn't an alien, forced to listen to me.

Singh had warned me several times that they were prejudiced people, and that they were trained to hate exactly what I am. They wouldn't get along with Icah.

I was willing to risk it. 

I move forward, pressing myself against Singh's desk. "Please, Singh. Please let me go." He blinks at me, I know I'm getting to him. "Please."

He sighs, a long, defeated sigh, "You aren't making this easy, kid."

I force a smile, "When has anything been easy, Singh?"

He eyes me, "I'm going to regret this aren't I?"

This time my smile is genuine, "You won't regret it." 

"I have a feeling you're lying right to my face."

I say nothing, keeping the smile on my face as I stand up, and quickly leave the room before he decides to change his mind.

It takes everything in me not to bolt to my bedroom, as I keep a controlled pace through the hall. I make it to my room, and quickly run to the bathroom, where I shut the door, and muffle a scream with my hands. Icah is standing by the closed door watching me celebrate. This would be the first time I was able to leave the bottom floor of the compound since I first arrived here. This is one step closer to the world outside. 

I just have to get Singh to trust me enough. If I just abide by his rules with this, then maybe he'll let me go all the way to the top floor. The outside.

Without thinking, I grab Icah, and pull him into an ecstatic hug. He stiffens, not used to such extreme contact, but doesn't push me away. I squeeze his arms to his sides hopping up and down, but he was to heavy to force to jump with me. "Do you know what this means?" I ask him, all while laughing out loud. 

He says nothing, most likely still mentally concerned with being hugged in such a chaotic way, I  answer the question anyway, "We're one step closer to being free."