hey ya'll <3

Wooooof this time of year is crazy. I apologize if my updating is a little more spaced out. 

I want to shout out @AutumnsWhisper who helped inspire a part of this chapter. You da best!!!

Things are starting to be set in motion for the end of this book. But don't worry there is still another Kels/Anakin off-planet adventure to look forward to. 

Please let me know what you think of this one!

Appreciate & love you all, always. 

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I learned quicky to temper my expectations when it comes to Jedi missions and their tendency to exceed estimated timelines.

Anakin's projection of a few days away from the temple slowly stretched into five weeks.

I did my best to stay occupied which primarily consisted of work, diner outings with Rala and Blake at Dex's, and late-night sessions taking out my frustrations on the unsuspecting training room dummy. However, those early twilight hours after I had worked my limbs into a burning fatigue and laid in bed desperately seeking sleep...that is when my heart would long for Anakin. I'd conjure up images in my mind, imagining what he might be doing.

Is he alright? Is he safe? Does he miss me as much as I miss him?

The complete lack of contact grated against my psyche and not knowing when he'd come back was absolute torment. Any time a tall, dirty blonde man would catch my eye, my heart would swell with anticipation. Only to be completely deflated upon realizing it wasn't the Jedi who I was aching to see. 

A few times, I allowed myself to toy with the painful idea that perhaps he wasn't coming back. Afterall, the Jedi way of life isn't necessarily safe and if something happened to him, no one would think to inform the temple cook.

Once again, I found myself envious of Padme. At least when her and Anakin were together, she was in a far more powerful position to demand updates and receive news of his wellbeing. The suffocating unknown had me operating at a base level of anxiety that rendered sleep almost impossible.

When the three-week mark rolled around, I was desperate for any semblance of comfort or reprieve from my racing thoughts. I found myself wandering the halls one night after hours spent tossing and turning in bed. 

I stuck to the shadows, but my feet naturally took me to his room. Sending a silent thanks to my far-off Jedi for having the forethought to program my hand into the access holopad outside of his door, I slipped into his bedroom. Immediately, I was met with the soothing scent of Anakin. Inhaling deeply, I allowed the familiar aroma to wash over me. And while I felt my tense shoulder relaxing, my heart tightened painfully.

If I didn't know better, the state of his room might lead me to believe he had just stepped outside for a moment.  I noticed a forgotten cup of tea resting on the bedside table, with the tea bag still submerged in the now chilled liquid. A pen was left waiting on his opened notebook, ready to resume the half-finished sentence scribbled across the page. The loose black tunic he wore while we strolled the city in pursuit of sweet cakes was left crumbled on the floor just at the foot of his bed. And finally, his bed...the sheets still creased from use and pillows slightly askew as if they had been pushed to the side.

Without thinking, I dragged my exhausted body across the room towards the inviting cluster of sheets and blankets and collapsed onto his bed. Immediately, my limbs felt heavy as another dose of Anakin's comforting scent wafted over me. I pulled the sheets over my body, tucking them up close to my chin as I closed my eyes and released a deep exhale. And I'm not sure if it was the clearly superior comfort found in a Jedi mattress, or the feeling of being even a fraction closer to the man I missed so desperately, but I fell asleep without incredible struggle for the first time since Anakin left.

For the next few weeks, I'd find myself sleeping in Anakin's bed. It seemed to be the only way to achieve even a few consecutive hours of shut eye. However, I always made sure to leave just before the rays of early morning sun crept through the windows. I needed the shadows and empty hallways to ensure I made it back to my room without being caught. With each nightly excursion to Anakin's room, I knew I was pushing it. Just asking to get caught. But I could feel my better judgment failing in the absence of the Jedi who has become such a grounding force in my life.

Stars, since when did I become so woefully pathetic?

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One evening, just as the craze of the dinner shift was about to kick off, I haphazardly peeled a Kebroot in the kitchen as I actively pushed thoughts of Anakin out of my head for just long enough to focus and avoid accidently shaving off a fingertip. The kitchen was bustling around me, but I stayed still, lost in the haze of my own thoughts. It took the soft voice of Rala to pull me out of it.

"There won't be any Kebroot left to peel if you keep going at it." She said with an airy laugh. I jerked my head up in her direction, almost dropping the legume in doing so. Upon seeing her easy smile, I couldn't help but send one back.

"Yeah...just...distracted I guess." I said with a chuckle.

Rala hummed in response and nodded her head. She gave me a knowing look as she leaned against the counter. I could tell she was contemplating her next words, so I shot her a curious expression hoping she'd speak whatever was on her mind.

"Anakin Skywalker has been gone for a while." She then said in an innocent tone, but her eyes never left mine. "Have you noticed?"

Have I noticed? Oh, I've fucking noticed.

"Um yeah, I guess," I tried to keep my voice steady. "Now that you point it out." It was an effort to hold her eye contact. My fingernails dug into the Kebroot clutched tightly in my hand.

"You know...the reactions I've been getting after bringing him up have been...interesting." She continued in a hesitant tone. Her violet eyes darted from side to side to ensure no one was in earshot.

"Oh?" I forced in a tight voice, cursing my tensed jaw.

"Yeah," Rala confirmed with a slow nod of her head. "From you...from Blake."

My heart rate began to pick up in pace and suddenly the Kebroot felt slippery in my sweaty palm. After taking my emotions out on the poor legume, it was destined for the compost pile. I felt my eyebrows twitch into a pinched concern, and I threw Rala a pleading look.

Once again, it was made clear that my attempts at hiding my relationship with Anakin hadn't gone entirely undetected. 

There was a part of me that so desperately wanted to throw caution to the wind and tell Rala everything. I was craving a sounding board, a friend to divulge all my secrets to. Blake was an absolute no-go. While we were working on rebuilding our friendship, the topic of Anakin was strictly off limits. We both had our reasons for not wanting to go there. So, the words were on the tip of my tongue, begging to be spoken to Rala.

"I-uh...what has Blake said?" I asked knowing I was showing my cards. But my curiosity trumped my caution. Rala cocked an eyebrow in response.

"It's not so much that he says. It's more how he reacts. He goes all cold as if I brought up a criminal or something. I can practically feel his disdain." She explained in a hushed tone. I cringed and Rala picked up on it. "You don't have to say anything. But I can tell something is going on." She added softly.

"Rala...I..." I began quietly before biting my lip and looking up at her. Her eyes shone with her trademark warmth and sincerity. "It's been a really difficult few weeks." I finally said in a voice that wobbled with emotion. Speaking the words out loud brought forward a slew of feelings that I had been battling internally. My eyes pricked with tears and I let out a shaky breath, diverting my gaze to the floor to avoid Rala's painfully kind expression.

She reached out and placed a soft palm over my hand that was uncontrollably tapping on the counter, stilling my anxious behavior. "You can confide in me, Kels. As much or as little as you're comfortable with." She whispered. The tenderness in her tone almost brought on a fresh round of tears. My sweet, sweet friend.

"Thank you." I whispered, mustering a soft smile.

Trusting Rala was never a major concern. I knew at her core, she was a true and genuine confidant. One I wasn't sure I entirely deserved. But now that she clearly already had a sense of the situation, I felt less hesitant about confiding in her. And I so desperately could use a friendly ear.

"Are you free for dinner tonight? Maybe we could go to Dex's?" I asked, knowing she'd have a hard time refusing her favorite late-night spot. If I were going to reveal the inner workings of my mind, it should be far away from this temple.

"Definitely," she confirmed, her smile growing. "Should we ask if Blake is free?" I could tell she was sussing out what type of dinner this would be. One of our usual hang outs or a venue for me to finally release some of my constantly racing, private thoughts.

"Actually, I was hoping this could be just us girls." I said, biting the inside of my cheek. As much as I enjoyed Blake company, I was sure he didn't want to be a part of this conversation.

"Just us girls it is." She said firmly, giving my hand a soft squeeze.

Just a few hours later, Rala and I were tucked away into our usual corner booth of Dex's diner. Each of us with a steaming plate of flatcakes in front of us. We had been making casual conversation rehashing kitchen gossip and we even touched on my birthday, which happened to be tomorrow. 

Admittedly, I wasn't feeling very celebratory this year and it had slipped from my mind. My birthday never held much significance. And I didn't like to think about not being able to spend it with Payto, sneaking into the kitchen to gorge ourselves on left over dessert. I always had a hunch Glynn knew about it and allowed it anyway.

So I brought up Fellan as a way to change the subject after Rala insisted we celebrate. I couldn't help but smile watching her light up as she filled me in on the latest development between them. They had finally exchanged "I love you" and she was over the moon.

"I'm really happy for you, Rala." I said, gathering up my utensils to cut into the flatcakes before me. "Fellan is great guy."

"He really is." She agreed with a dreamy sigh that had us both giggling.

"And he'd be silly not to fall in love with you." I replied with a wink as I bit down on the first bite of the fluffy, sweet goodness. A soft blush crept across Rala's cheeks as she bit her lip and focused her attention on her own food.

There was a brief moment of silence and Rala let out an exhale, when she looked back up at me, all signs off girlish giddiness gone. Instead, she looked at me with careful hesitation.

"And what about you?" She asked. "Any special someone?"

Of course, Rala has asked me this before out of genuine curiosity that comes when you are making a new friend. However, this time I knew she was inquiring directly about Anakin.

"There is...someone." I replied in a low voice, dropping all pretenses.

Immediately I felt a tightness in my chest as the anxiety and worry that was starting to become a staple whenever I think about Anakin returned. Swallowing hard, I tried to keep my expression as neutral as possible.

"Are you missing him?" She asked softly.

It was such an innocent question, but it broke me. Tears began to well in my eyes and with a frantic blink they spilled down my cheeks. My throat burned as I did my best to contain the sudden show of emotion. "Yes, I miss him a lot." I choked out.

It felt silly to be crying about this. Anakin is a Jedi. He goes on missions. It comes with the territory. But all the worry, concern and agonizing unknown that I had kept bottled up surged towards the tiniest outlet Rala had provided and completely overwhelmed me.

"When does he come back?" Rala asked. Not needing to vocalize the fact that we both now knew we were talking about Anakin.

"I don't know." I replied. Dropping my utensils, I weaved my hands into the root of my hair and allowed my head to hang. I pressed my eyes shut in an effort to stop the tears. "It was only supposed to be a few days." I muttered as I fought off all the horrible, nagging assumptions my brain began to jump to. Is he lost? Is he hurt? Is he alive??

No, I would know if he died. I couldn't explain exactly how, but I was sure of it.

When I eventually raised my head to meet Rala's gaze, I could see a myriad of questions swimming just behind her eyes. But given my current state, she mercifully held back. Instead, she just reached across the table and grabbed my hand in hers.

"He will be okay." She said in a firm voice. "There is no one in the galaxy more capable than him."

"I know, I know." I replied with a soft shake of my head. "I just can't stop thinking about all the awful hypotheticals. It's driving me insane. And what's even worse is I have no way to contact him, to make sure he is alright. It's been torture." The words tumbled from my lips as if they had been waiting to be spoken out loud.

"I can't even imagine." Rala whispered, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. "If that were Fellan...well, I'd be absolutely ripping my hair out."

Hearing her reflect my sentiment somehow made it the tiniest bit less overwhelming. The simple kinship that came with knowing Rala understood and empathized with my situation provided a comfort I didn't realize how much I needed it until this very moment.

"I just hate feeling so entirely helpless. The only thing I can do is wait and it is killing me." I admitted.

"I am so sorry, Kels." Rala said gently. "But I have a feeling that you waiting here is one of the only things that will surely bring him home."

I looked up at her and felt my forehead crease in confusion.

"I don't claim to know much about him, but I know you. And if he is lucky enough to be loved by you, he will move stars and galaxies to get back to you. That I am sure of." She continued in a soft but determined voice.

I had to clamp my hand against my mouth in order to contain a soft sob as Rala's incredibly gracious and soothing words settled over me. Again, I felt undeserving of her esteemed opinion of me. How could someone as pure and kind as her be real? And why would she be sitting in a diner listening to me blubber about my secret boyfriend? My gratitude for her in this moment was immeasurable.

"Thank you." I whispered, hoping I could convey how much her words and her presence had soothed my anxious heart.

We spent the rest of our meal in quiet conversation. She allowed me to divulge my darkest worries and she worked to shine her calming logic into each deep crevice of my mind, leaving me feeling lighter and more at ease.

So, when we eventually made our way back to the temple and midnight rolled around, I entered the training room with a refreshed mindset of fragile assurance. Instead of taking out my stress and anxiety on the dummy, I worked to actually refine my form and truly incorporate all of Anakin's past corrections.

I was looking down at my feet, ensuring they were in correct alignment when I heard a noise out in the hallway. My body immediately froze, and I felt my eyes widen. Excuses as to why I was alone in the training room at midnight began to race through my mind.

However, I felt a wave of relief when a small R2 droid rolled out of the darkness into the dimly lit training room. It eventually stopped a few feet in front of me a beeped happily as if to say there you are!

"Hello there." I said in a soft voice, a smile tugging at the corner of my lip. I knelt down so that I could better assess the mechanical intruder. As soon as I was at more of an eye-level with the small droid, a metal arm protruded from its metal torso and revealed a small holoprojector.

The R2 unit chirped in encouragement as I eyed the small device. "For me?" I asked. It rolled back and forth as if to say yes. 

"Okay" I muttered hesitantly, slowly reaching out to take the holoprojector. It felt smooth and cool to the touch, my fingers gently traced the large transmission button just as it sputtered to life with a thurm of energy. Gasping in surprise, the device tumbled from my fingers and fell into the training mat with a soft thud.

"Oh, shi-" I whispered. But just as I bent down to pick it up, a tall, holographic figure flickered to life, bathing the room in a blue glow.

My heart stopped. It was Anakin.

For the umpteenth time tonight, tears sprung to my eyes, and I covered my mouth with both hands in shock. But there he was.

It struck me that I had never seen him in his active military attire. The dark maroon clung to his defined arms while the broad metal plating and dark grey protective layer made him look impossibly broad and foreboding. But his lopsided smile and tired eyes...those I knew.

"Happy birthday, pretty girl." He said in a smooth voice. The sound of it almost evoked another round of tears.

"Anakin, oh my gods." I choked out, taking a step closer to him. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to brush a wayward curl off his forehead. However, when my hand sunk through the hologram as if passing through air, I felt my heart twist painfully. His jaw clenched in response as he swallowed hard.

But I wasn't sure how much time we had so I didn't want to waste it with melancholy. "How did you know?" I asked with a soft smile. I was sure I had mentioned my birthday in passing at some point during one of our many conversations, but I didn't expect him to remember.

"Of course, I remember your birthday, Remlik." He replied with a smirk and a small shake of his head. A warmth I hadn't felt in weeks spread across my body.

"I miss you so much." I whispered, curling my hands into fists by my side. As much as I was thrilled to be speaking to him, it was torture not being able to touch him. Anakin's eyes darted down to my clenched fingers and then he quickly lifted his head to glance at his surroundings.

"I'm sorry." He said in a soft, tight voice as he took in my broken expression. Even though he was the one off-world fighting and protecting others, he was still apologizing for his absence causing me pain.

I took a moment to examine him. Even through the pixelated hologram, I could make out the dark shadows under his eyes and the accentuated sharpness of his cheekbones. I could also detect a hint of scabbing across the bridge of his nose and down his cheek. He looked exhausted and I was hit with the maddening urge to wrap my arms around him and comfort him in any way I could.

"Are you okay?" I asked, worry edging into my tone.

"Yes, I am fine." He said firmly as if to nip any concern for him at the bud. However, I didn't fully buy it. "It's just been a long few weeks."

"So much for this only being a few days, huh?" I said, forcing a sad smile.

"Yeah, that was wishful thinking." He replied with a dark chuckle. "Of course, things didn't go according to plan."

"What happened? Where are you?" I asked in quick succession, suddenly craving information once the shock of seeing him wore off.

"We're on Erep. The threats on Queen Jamillia were legit. We intercepted a group of bounty hunters who wanted to send a message to the Nabooian government. We chased them off Naboo and ended up here where we, somewhat knowingly, walked into a trap. Ahsoka and I have been held here for weeks. Only took us four failed escape attempts before Obi-Wan eventually arrived and helped get us out." He said with an eye roll. Clearly, he wasn't pleased with his former master's tardiness.

"Shit..." I whispered, not loving the idea of Anakin being held captive. Or Ahsoka for that matter. "Are you alright?" I had to ask again.

"Yes, Kels. I am fine." He repeated again with even more gumption.

"And Ahsoka?" I ventured to ask.

"She is fine too." He replied, his tone softening slightly. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"So...does this mean you're coming back now?" I asked, knowing I might be potentially setting myself up for disappointment. The way Anakin's jaw tensed, and his eyebrows knit together told me the disappointment was impending.

"Not exactly," he said in a low voice. "We still have to apprehend the bounty hunters. With Obi-Wan's help we now have them cornered in a system of caves. And the 501st will be joining shortly to help flush them out, so we should have them in our custody soon. Then I will come back to you." He explained gently.

I hated the thought of him being away for another second, but hearing him say he will come back to me provided a temporary balm to my worried heart.

"Well...I'll be here waiting for you." I said, forcing a smile.

"That's the only thing getting me through this." He said, barely above a whisper. I felt my heart lurch as he momentarily let his controlled general mask drop and I saw the full extent of his fatigue and yearning flash across his features.

I took another step forward so that I was merely inches away from the teasing hologram. From the corner of my eye, I saw Anakin lift a glitching hand and bring it towards my face. I closed my eyes and could almost convince myself that I felt his fingertips ghost along my jawline. My heart ached for him so severely it actually hurt.

When I opened my eyes, he was giving me an expression that told me he felt the same way. I had grown so accustomed to seeing him as a durasteel pillar of strength and confidence, it was disconcerting to see him so mentally and physically exhausted. Despite him trying to convince me he was fine, I was still worried about him.

"At least try to get some sleep, okay?" I requested. He needed rest; it was easy to see.

"For you, Kels. I'll try." He said with a skeptical chuckle. The hint of sarcasm lacing his voice told me he was far beyond trying. We both knew sleep would continue to evade him, just as it had for me.

"That's what I like to hear." I said, the corner of my mouth twitching into a smirk.

A few moments of silence hung in the air as Anakin's eyes carefully swept over my body. His military stoicism had returned, and I almost laughed out loud when I realized he seemed to be assessing me for injuries.

"Anakin, I'm perfectly fine." I said with shake of my head, I held my hands out and spun around quickly just to prove the point.

"Habit." He muttered. But when his eyes finally met mine, he still seemed to be searching. "How have you been...really?" He finally asked.

"I'm okay. A lot better now." I replied with a bright smile. And I meant it, seeing and hearing from him eased the almost unbearable weight of the unknown on my mind. He still held my gaze for a beat, but then nodded to himself as he let out a deep exhale.

"Are you sl-" Anakin began before his head whipped to the side. His eyes narrowing in on something I couldn't see. My heart skipped a beat.

"Anakin?" I asked, my tone heightened.

"I'm sorry, I have to go." He said, turning back to look at me with a pained expression. Suddenly panic seeped into my chest. There were so many things I wanted to say, so many things I wanted to ask.

"Wait, pl-" I exclaimed, reaching a hand out through the pixels.

"I love you, Kels." He said, taking one last look at me before a quick smirk appeared across his face. "And remember, elbows." He glanced at my limbs that hung loosely by my side.

Before I could even respond to his affection or his frequent critique on my fighting form, the hologram disappeared. The sudden darkness made it difficult to see as my eyes adjusted from the lack of blue light. For a moment, I almost wondered if I had imagined it. But the renewed comfort that came from speaking to Anakin cradled my heart and I knew it had been real.

It was the best birthday gift I have ever received.

"I love you too." I whispered into the darkness.

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Anakin's POV

I was still staring at the blank space that was once occupied by Kels's holographic form when Ahsoka eventually rounded the corner of the abandoned mining shaft I had found myself in.

"There you are!" She said with a slight pant as she skidded to a stop. "What are you doing?"

"Meditating." I said the first thing that came to mind. Ahsoka's eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"For the sake of time, I'll pretend to believe you." She said as she stepped forward and hooked her elbow into mine and began to pull me back towards the entrance of the cave. "Come on, we gotta go. Rex is here."

I felt a rush of appreciation for my padawan. She always knew when to push me and when to let something be. Her unwavering trust in me has afforded me that luxury. She knows that I would never keep anything from her that would end up hurting her. And I do my best to live up to the pedestal she places me on every day. So, I didn't hesitate to follow her back through the maze of cavernous corridors until we emerged onto the mountain plateau where a LAAT/i gunship had joined ours.

I knew Obi-Wan and Rex wouldn't be quite as compliant as Ahsoka, so I knew I had to get my head in the fucking game in about sixty seconds.

But it's been more difficult than ever these days. Exhaustion had worn down to my very bones and my focus had been waning. It would help if I could fucking sleep. But my increasingly vivid nightmares made sleep impossible. Even during the daylight hours, I was haunted by them.

Because they were about her.

The first time Kels made an appearance in my nightmares was in Canto Bight. At the time I had dismissed it as just another subject for my twisted subconscious to play with. But as my attachment for her continues to grow exponentially, the more I can't help but feel as if it is a warning.

Just as it was for my mother.

Images of Kels...my Kels, screaming in agony with the lethal buzz of a lightsaber echoing from every angle. And her eyes, every night I see the life fade from her eyes. But what's worse is that before the last flicker of light leaves her silver gaze, it is filled with fear and disgust. For me.

That image of her eyes has been permanently seared into my brain. And I can't fucking shake it.

But this was the home stretch. the 501st is here and now we can get off this gods forsaken planet.

And back to the only one who can erase the imageof those fearful, angry silver eyes from my mind.