I stayed huddled in the back corner of the Glade, squished into the corner of the wall. I couldn't get my breathing under control, it was coming in short stuttering gasps. My lips still felt like they were burning and tingly. I slid one of my knives out and pulled the leather bracelets off, I slid the sharp blade across my wrist a few times. The sharp sting helped clear my head, the sting gave something my body could focus on instead of the wild swirling thoughts in my head. I sat with the stinging with my head tipped back, and my eyelids clamped shut, the tears still slid down my face. making a mess of my eyeliner and mascara. I eventually cleaned the knife and slid it back into its holster, I also wrapped my wrist back up, I'd have to clean it up better later. 

It was a long time before I heard the snap of a branch. Panic arose in my tensed coiled muscles. I sniffed and tried to wipe the tears. I recognized the uneven footsteps. Newt appeared from the gloom. He deflated and I heard him sigh. 

"Jessie, you gave us a bloody heart attack." He said softly and slid down the wall and sat beside me, still giving me space. He didn't say anything else for a while. 

"Jessie-"

"I don't want to hear it. It was a mistake and I don't want to talk about it." 

"Was it a mistake though?"

"Yes. I don't get attached to people, Newt. I don't like getting help from others. I don't rely on other people and I sure as shuck don't want any kind of relationship." 

"That's a very lonely way to live life." 

"I had to learn to rely on myself at a young age." I sniffed, trying to hold the tears inside. We were toeing the line of my memories of the changing. 

"Again, that's a very lonely life to lead. You know we aren't here to leave you." 

"Yeah? Well I lost all my sisters in a mater of a night. Tell me again I wont loose people I care about. I won't ever see Sonya again!" My voice got caught in my throat. The stupid tears slid down my face. "Or Harriet! Or Leah or Jillian..." 

Newt was quiet, he looked down at his lap. 

"I'm sorry Jessie. I can't even imagine. But what I do know... is that you're here now. You have us to rely on. We're human and we'll make mistakes, but we won't do it on purpose. The guys here do care. I'm sure you have a rough past even before the Maze, but I'm here to help you now. I know what it's like to close people off and ignore everything, those dark thoughts, the self harm..." 

I looked at him sharply. 

"Please, Love. I'm not buggen' stupid." 

He pulled the leather bracelet he always wore up, reveling thin white scare lines. I stared at them for a moment and looked away, trying to wipe the black lines that made tracks down my face. I dropped my hands and pulled the leather straps off, and rolled my hand to it was wrist up. I don't know what was going on with me. I hardly opened up to the girls in my Maze, And I had been there two and a half years. I had been here a month and I was opening up to Newt, and apparently kissing others. I shook my head, I was crumbling and I hated it. Newt gingerly took my arm in his calloused large hands. He frowned.

"Oh Jessie." He said softly, I heard the sadness in his voice. He took a deep slow breath. "Jessie...I don't tell people this... only a few buggen' people know...but I feel like you need to hear this."

I was silent, I didn't look over. My head was leaning against the wall, the tears slowly slid down my cheeks. 

"I hated it here- still do- but I was awful. Moody, angry, mean-"

"You? Mean?" 

"Yes Love, I was not a kind person. I feel like there is a big hole, I know somethin' is bloody missing, I just have no idea what it is. It was all consuming, I felt like I was buggen' downing in the hate and bitterness, resentment. I tried to drown the feelings in self harm and all the alcohol I could consume. I closed myself off to everyone around me. It got worse, I got bloody worse. I was reckless, staying out later and later, not caring about anything. It was so bad that one day I couldn't handle it anymore.  I climbed the ivy and jumped. I wanted out Jessie." 

He took a shaking breath, I finally looked at him, he had shame and guilt in his calm and gentle eyes, I saw the storm behind his calm kind demeanor. He was looking straight ahead, lost in the memories of his past. He blinked a few times and continued. 

"Obviously I didn't get the out I wanted. Instead of buggen' dying, I broke my leg in a few spots. My foot got tangled in the ivy, and I slammed my head into the ground. Alby and Minho found me and got me back inside the Glade before the doors closed. I was angry for a long time after words. I hated Alby, Min and Jeff for keeping me alive. But...I'm grateful now. It took a long time..." 

"Why are you telling me this?" 

"Because I see the same thing in you. I don't want you to cross the line I tried. Minho gets angry when he sees how reckless you because I did the same thing before I tried to end it." 

"He hardly knows me." 

Newt shrugged, "Doesn't matter. You're part of the Glader family, girl parts and all, your part of the brotherhood. Weather you like it or not, you're part of us, and we're protective of you."

He held up a hand when I tried to protest.

"I know you can bloody protect yourself, but now you don't have to do it alone." 

"How Newt? How do I learn to trust when every time I do, I'm hurt. Over and over until the only one I do trust is me." I spat bitterly. 

"Well this conversation shows you buggen' trust a me. At lest a little bit." He gave me a small smile. 

I huffed. He was right. And I hated it, I growled at that. He chuckled quietly, and looked around at me. 

"So..."

"No."

"Oh come on Jessie! That wasn't just some buggen' throw away kiss!" 

"I'm not talking about it. It was a mistake and wont happen again. I'll allow the stupid shucken brotherhood, but no, I'm not attaching myself to a relationship." 

"Ahh...but you didn't say you didn't like him." 

"Absolutely no fucking way!" 

Newt smirked. He slowly got up. He dusted himself off and then held a hand out for me. Grumbling I took it and he pulled me up, I instantly sucked in a sharp breath. My ankle hurt so much. 

"I don't think I'll be running tomorrow."

"Can I bloody help you? I'm surprised you got here without twisting it more!" He sighed exasperated. 

"Fine." 

He slid an arm around my back and helped take some pressure off my ankle. He helped me to the edge of the forest. The fire had been put out and the guys were all sleeping. I checked my watch, it was close to 1am. I didn't realize how long I was in the forest. He helped me into the Homestead and I slipped silently into my now shared room. Slipping into A big t shirt that went down to my thighs I slid into the bed. I was asleep in minutes. My mind still confused with that kiss.

•×•

I had woken up really early, well before anyone. Minho was still sound asleep, laying on his back, A hand on his chest and the other under his head. He looked less harsh, less stone cold when he slept. His long eyelashes brushed his cheek. I shook my head, why was I watching him sleep? I turned back made the bed quickly, grabbed some clothes and bathroom stuff and I slipped out of my room, silently. I limped to the showers, I had demanded a better lock on at lest one shower stale, I still used a knife to hold the lock in place, and showered with one in arms reach. 

I was tired and cranky, and my stomach hurt. Maybe that's why I was crying last night...and opened up to Newt...

"Damn PMS." I grumbled. Wonder if Fry has chocolate?  Also need to see if Jeff has pain killers 'cause shuck cramps.

I finished in the shower and slowly made my way to the kitchen. Fry was the only one awake and started the coffee. I watched from the shadows, once it was ready I quietly slid up, and took a mug. I had the coffee pot in my hand before he realized I was there. He leapt backwards and screamed. 

"Jeezes! Shuck it woman! How did you get there?!"  He clutched his chest, breathing hard.

"I'm part vampire. And I can shadow travel." 

"Yeah, just about. Jeeze!" 

"Well I'll go sit in the shadows again and drink my black coffee." 

"Dark and bitter and too hot for these shanks." 

I winked with a smirk, "You know it." I took a sip and hummed in contentment. Frypan chuckled. And went back to his breakfast prep. I limped over to my shadow table, and propped my ankle up on the bench. I leaned against the wall behind me and watched as Keepers and Runners slowly trickled in. 

This morning the guys seemed to leave me alone, no one came to sit and I was fine with it. I didn't want to deal with stupid right now, or the staring eyes. I have no idea how they would treat me now that half the guys saw Minho and I last night. Not like us screaming at each other was quiet. My stomach stent a spasms of pain along with my throbbing ankle. I let a groan escape. I was going to need that pain med sooner than later. Just as I was going to get up and ask Jeff, I saw Minho walk into the dinning room. I froze, and stayed in the shadows. He wore the same stone expression as always. He had his head tipped towards Newt, who was talking wildly with his hands. They walked to the counter and started chatting with Frypan. I took a deep breath, I knew I couldn't slink in the shadows. I stood up, straightened my back, held my chin up and made my way to Jeff. I felt the eyes on me the moment I stepped out of the shadows. 

"Jeff?" 

He turned to look when his name was spoken.

"Oh, Hey Jessie, what can I do for you?" 

 "Can I grab some pain meds?" 

"What, the girl who can do no wrong feels pain?" Dug asked, pretending to be shocked. 

"I know right, it's like I'm shucken human after all." 

"Shuck, you need to relax, calm down woman." 

"Tell me to calm down again, you wont have a few fingers." I snarled. I really hated Dug.

"Ya know you have a serious attitude problem." 

"I do not have an attitude problem. You have a problem with my attitude and that's not my problem." 

I turned to Jeff, he just smiled, "Sure Jessie! Clint is in the Medjack room." 

"Tell your girlfriend to chill the shuck out." Dug said, as Minho and Newt sat down. 

"Telling her to calm down is like trying to baptize a cat- useless, and painful."  Minho said without missing a beat. 

"Someone gets it." I muttered with an eye roll. 

"What's the pain meds for?" Dug called, with a smirk.

"Because I have to deal with way too much stupid!" 

I limped away towards the med room. But I heard Dug mutter again. 

"You would think after she got some, she would chill out. Dude, your girlfriend is shucken crazy." 

I spun around and had a knife in my hands so fast they couldn't do anything. With a quick flick of my wrist the knife left my hand and buried it's self into the picnic table, right by Dug's hand. The table went still, the whole dinning area went still. 

"You have no fucking clue how crazy I can get Dug. So try me. Please. Please try me." I said dangerously low. I stood waiting, my eyes narrowed, my jaw clenched, and my lips pressed together, if I could kill with my look, Dug would have been dead. He sat with his eyes wide, staring at the knife inches from his hand. 

"Not such a cocky little ass are you?" 

"Don't pet my peeves." I hissed. 

Winston pulled the knife free, and tossed it back, flicking my eyes I caught it, and slid it back into its holster, I gave Winston a small nod. 

"You'll have to teach me how to fling a knife like that." He said. 

"I'll meet you at the blood house in an hour." 

•×•

I sat on a stool in the Bloodhouse, my foot propped up on another stool, wrapped in ice, leaning against the barn wall. 

"Yeah, that's it, now just flick our wrist a bit more. You have the power, just flick.." 

I showed him how to to do it, sending the little throwing knife spinning end over end, it thudded into the barn door. Winston stood beside her, his mouth dropped again. They had been throwing knives all morning. He was a quiet reserved kid. He was calm like Newt, but had a bit of a harder edge to him, maybe because he worked here, butchering animals all day. 

"Shuck JayJay. That's so cool! Okay, like this?" 

He threw the knife and it landed in the door. He let out a whoop. 

"Yeah, just like that." I grinned, "Now just gotta work on accuracy and a bit more power." 

"So, you and knives, huh?" 

"Yeah. They never let me down." 

Winston hummed and nodded. He walked to the door and yanked the knives out. He tossed hers to her. 

"So sitting in the Bloodhouse doesn't bother you?" 

"Nah." I shook my head. I spun the knife around my fingers. "Blood, violence and death doesn't bother me. I helped the Ranch Hands back in my maze. They were good girls, hard workers, tough, quiet and didn't pry." 

Winston nodded, "I understand. Guys usually end up throwing up. Or thinking were weird sick and twisted because we gotta butcher the animals...but they love the bacon..." 

I chuckled. "Well, then I'm just as twisted as you are! We'll start a club." 

"Great! Except we'll call it a cult, just to shuck with the others." 

"I like the way you think Winston." 

We both had twisted smiles. 

"Okay, gimpy, you can sit at the table and help me with tomorrows supper. I got a cage full of chickens to prep." 

By the end of the day Winston and I could work together without talking. He had some dark humor and it made me laugh, he didn't pry, asked some questions, but seemed to know when to drop the subject and didn't once ask me about Minho. 

"All right. That was the last chicken. Thanks for your help JayJay." 

"JayJay?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

He had called me JayJay all day and I went with it, but now I was curious. He just shrugged. 

"Well then I'm calling you Winny." 

"Whatever floats your boat. But We're done now, pass me the cleaver and I'll put it away, I'll get one of the guys to bring the meat to Fry and were done for the day. You might want to shower before supper." 

"Nah. The blood will keep the nasty sticks away."

"Sticks?" 

"We say sticks, you say shanks or shuck face." 

"Got it. Well...we could go together and cause a scene." He gave me and evil grin which I returned. 

"Winny, did I tell you I like the way you think?"