⚠️Trigger Warning - Suiside ⚠️

I didn't sleep. I just sat staring at the wall. Winston and Newt came by and tried to talk. I gave them a very simple explanation of what happened in a dead quiet voice. Newt had brought me my journal and pencil, and gave me a pointed look.

"You come to me or Winston or Tes. I don't need you on the opposite bed. Ya?"

I just made some kind of noise in my throat as an answer. Newt got up and kissed the top of my head. Winston came by again, he sat beside me in a chair, he just sat, he didn't say anything, just held my hand. It was dark when I finally spoke again. My voice sounded broken and so quiet, even to myself.

"Why? Why would he do this Winnie?"

"I dunno Jay. Maybe it was the Creators, messing with him like they did with Alby. Maybe seeing all his hard work for the last three years burnt up."

"But...we know the maze. We know everything about it. Every turn and hall."

"I dunno. Honestly. But that's a lot of hard work and close to death moments to get those maps."

"Those weren't even the real maps that were burnt!"

"Wait...what?"

I didn't bother to look at him, I just nodded.

"Those weren't the maps. The real ones are hidden. Safe. After Gally's freak out in the council room...Newt and I pulled the maps and hid them."

"Well shuck me."

We lapsed into silence. Winston eventually fell asleep, his head leaning on the wall. I sat my eyes glued to Minho's face.

Teresa had said that he threw up most of everything, once Minho was down from the roof and in bed. After Teresa and Winston told Jeff and Clint what happened and gave a full report. Teresa said he had thrown up most of it. What was left in his system just needed to break down and he would be okay.

I didn't know what to think or feel now. I knew letting my walls down would be dangerous. I knew if I opened them up, exposing my heart and vulnerability I would get hurt. Keeping everyone at arms length was always easier, sure it was lonely, but it never hurt like this. My chest squeezed. It felt tight, like trying to breathe through a straw. I was angry and hurt and sad and guilty and worried all mixed together.

I didn't know how to feel or what to feel. I leaned forward, my elbows on my knees and placed my head into my hands and let the silent tears roll down my cheeks. My hands started to shack. I felt that itch, that need for metal on skin. Glancing at Winston to make sure he was sleeping, I got up from my chair and silently went to the shelf of medical supplies. I grabbed a scalpel, ripped the leather bracelet cuff off, and made thin lines across my wrist. The stinging pain made my hands stop shaking. The sudden sharpness helped clear my head. I suddenly dropped the scalpel like it burnt my hand.

"What are you doing?" I whispered to myself.

I grabbed some gauze and wrapped my arm and went back to my chair. With fresh tears of guilt now I grabbed my book and pencil and started to write.

This is the place that no one sees, I don't like to show it. This is the darkness over me, it's just the world I know. I can't stand it. Reaching for the light, reaching from inside. Help me tonight!

I'm closer to the edge tonight. I'm standing on the ledge, so why hold you, reach out your hand to save, to save me tonight. I'm damaged if you dare. Tonight, it feels like no one cares, so why? Can I come back for air?
Just save, just save me. What are you waiting for? Someone save me!

Peel back the skin, exposed to you. Take pleasure in the pain. Tell me what I'm supposed to do! It ain't easy to open up this way. Reaching for the light. Reaching from inside. Help me tonight.

I'm closer to the edge tonight. I'm standing on the ledge, so why? Hold you, reach out your hand to save me tonight. I'm damaged if you dare. It feels like no one cares, so why
Can I come back for air?

Just save, just save me. What are you waiting for? Someone save me! Reaching for the light. Reaching from inside. Help me tonight. I'm closer to the edge tonight.

I'm standing' on the ledge, so why? Hold you, reach out your hand. Just save, just save me tonight. I'm damaged if you dare, tonight.
It feels like no one cares, so why? Can I come back for air?

Just save, just save me tonight! I'm closer to the edge tonight. I'm standing on the ledge, so why? Hold you, reach out your hand. Just save, just save me! What are you waiting for? Someone save me!

•×•
Save Me- Skillet
Took creative license and changed just a few words. Real song is tagged at the bottom
•×•

I paused. Taking a shaking breath I turned the page I had my pencil ready for more but I paused. Minho had made a small whimper in his sleep. My eyes snapped to him. He had flinched but remained asleep. Fresh tears filled my eyes.

Watching him, knowing that he had tried to kill himself my fragile heart felt so lonely and it hurt. Is being dead better than being with me...did he think being apart would be better? Her rock...her safe place...her home. I watched as my whole heart lay on the bed, fighting the pain medications he swallowed. I blinked back tears. Shifting from the chair to the bed, I sat beside him. I put the pencil to paper and wrote again, furiously blinking tears back.

If I could fly, I'd be coming right back home to you. I think I might give up everything, just ask me to. Pay attention, I hope that you listen, 'Cause I let my guard down. Right now I'm completely defenseless.

For your eyes only, I show you my heart. For when you're lonely and forget who you are;
I'm missing half of me when we're apart. Now you know me, for your eyes only.

I've got scars, even though they can't always be seen. And pain gets hard, but now you're here and I don't feel a thing.Pay attention, I hope that you listen, 'Cause I let my guard down. Right now I'm completely defenseless.

For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart
For when you're lonely and forget who you are. I'm missing half of me when we're apart.
Now you know me, for your eyes only.

I can feel your heart inside of mine. I feel it.
I've been goin' out of my mind. I feel it. Know that I'm just wastin' time and I hope that you don't run from me.

For your eyes only, I'll show you my heart.
For when you're lonely and forget who you are. I'm missing half of me, when we're apart.
Now you know me for your eyes only.

•×•
If I Could Fly- One Direction
Took creative license and changed just a few words. Real song is tagged at the bottom
•×•

I had tears streaming down my face by the end, my hand was shaking and I had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep quiet. My chest was heaving, and I couldn't breath. My head started to feel dizzy. I felt arms reach around me. They pulled me tight holding me close.

"Jayjay, I'm so sorry." Winston whispered.

I couldn't keep it together anymore. I let the heart wrenching sobs wash over me. Winston just held me, petting my hair. I eventually cried myself out and my eyelids slid closed and I was lost to the world of sleep.

•×•

I groaned. My body felt like led, my head felt like it was full of cotton. Grief and guilt washed over me. My eyes felt heavy, and almost impossible to open. I tried to move, but everything was sluggish. I layed still trying to figure out what happened.

All I remember was anger and bitterness seeing everything I had worked for burnt down. I remembered seeing Jessie, she was covered in sweat and ash. She had looked at him, she had seen his anguish but her eyes glazed over him and her attention was back to someone else. He felt his heart sink. He watched as she ran back into the fire and pulled a kid out and dragged him over to Clint.

I slowly got to my feet and wandered away. The next thing I remembered was standing in the middle of the room I distroyed holding the pull bottle full of pain meds Jeff gave Jessie for her leg. I clutched them tight in my hand. The next thing I knew, I was on the roof Jessie's knife and a length of rope beside me. My hands were shaking, but I managed to twist the bottle open and dumped them into my hand.

The shame of everything I failed to do hangs on my shoulders. The overwhelming pain of my tears choak me, I can feel the tears whelling up, burning my eyes. My self doubt is more familiar than the back of my hand, I know the horrible drowning feeling. Drowning in my own anxiety and self doubt.

How can I shake the feeling that I'm not good enough? Not good enough as a Keeper, not good enough as a runner, not good enough for Jessie. I've been here for almost three years and still can't find a way out. It had to take my cowardness; running away from the only person I've ever loved, it took her and the Greenie killing the machines that kill us to find a clue. I had been here for three years fighting, looking, risking my life, every single day over and over and everything I worked for gone. Greenie comes and not even a week and he's finding clues.

I'm not good enough. I've seen friends die. I've seen grousum deaths, I've ran through that maze trying to find a brother and then the girl I loved, I've watched them almost die. I don't want to eat h anymore. I don't want the pain. I don't want the survivors guilt or tge responsibility of find a way out. Jessie diserves better. The Glade deserves better. I had this planned a year ago. Steal pills from Jeff and sleep and never wake up. Painless and quick. Before I could think anymore, I swallowed the handful.

That's when I heard her desprite cry. Her voice full if panic and pain, but it was too late. She needed better. She deserved better. My world faded around me and I was swallowed by the sweet seductive darkness.

Now, however I felt my sore body, and dizzy head. I peeled my eyelids open. It took a few times to keep them open, my eyes were fuzzy, but I looked around. Disappointment hit me hard. I wasn't dead. I was still here, in the hell hole, this rat race. Angry bitter tears burnt my eyes. Turning my head I froze. Sitting beside me fast asleep was Winston and Jessie. Winston was slouched in the wood chair, his head hanging down resting on his chin. Jessie had her head in Winston's lap and his hand protectively on her head. Her one hand was stretched out only a few inches from my own, like she was holding it when she fell asleep.

Even in the early morning dawn I saw her freshly wrapped wrist and the black tracks down her face her tears made when they made her makeup run.

"Welcome back, Mate."

Minho slowly turned his head. Standing at the foot of my bed his arms crossed, leaning on the wall was Newt. I took in his appearance and he looked exhausted. A bloody bandage around his head and still covered in ash.

"So ya didn't buggen' die."

"Clearly." I snapped.

"Good thing. Jessie woulda ripped the Glade apart."

"She deserves better." I whispered bitterly.

"She wants you, ya stupid shank."

"It was a mistake. I shouldn't... shouldn't have-"

"Have what Minho?" Newt angerly interupted. "Don't you dare say it was a bloody mistake. Not after everything you did to her and for her." He pointed a threating finger.

I just turned my head away. A lump formed in my throat.

"Look. I don't know what exactly lead ya to swallow a whole bloody bottle of pills, but your shucken lucky Jess found ya when she did. She saved your shuck butt. But you leave this godforsaken planet now...you would have created a monster. That girl loves you so damn much and I know you love her just as much. I don't wanna hear an klunk about how she deserves better."

I just swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. The hot bitter tears slowly slid out from under my lashes.

"Everything I worked for...all those days and weeks, months ... Years. Everything I worked for gone."

"Wrong."

"What?" I snapped, I turned and glared at him.

"I said, ya shank, your bloody wrong."

"You better fucken explain right now Newt."
I slowly pushed myself to sit up, glaring at him. His stupid brown eyes were twinkling, and he smirked.

"Your girlfriend is smart-"

"I know. Get to the point."

"After Gally's little outburst during the council meeting, she came to talk to me. We switched the maps to blank paper or used scraps. The real maps are in buggen' crates and hidden. She had a feeling someone who didn't want to leave would try something. The real maps are safe."

"What? When...? Why...why wouldn't she tell me?"

"It was before the fire. While you took forever in the shower. It didn't take us long
And then the fire happened and she got bloody drunk, the whole thing with her and Chuck her panic and then the Griever dissection, Gally's outburst...when would she have time?"

I just opened and closed my mouth.

"She trusts you. You gotta trust her shank. She loves you. And you love her. Don't be a Shuckface and throw it away."

I growled and rolled my eyes. Jessie let out a small whimper. I turned my head and saw a single tear roll down her cheek. Before I could think, before my brain caught up to my actions, I gently brushed it away.

I pulled my hand away with a small chocked cry.

"Ya don't believe me...pick up that buggen' book and read her last two pages."

"I...I can't. I shouldn't."

"She handed it to me, let me read and Winston read it." He paused and his next sentence was said with a bit more harshness. "Now pick it up and read the damn pages."

With a shacking hand I picked up the notebook and read. Tears slid down my face, trying to hold back the sob that was caught in my throat.

"Shuck."

"Ya, Mate." Newt's voice was soft and gentle.

I looked up at him, his eyes were full of understanding.

"Trust me, life is worth livin'. It's hard. But we live hard lives. Prove them wrong. She doesn't want better; she wants you, mate."

There was movement beside me, I turned my head and saw Jessie sitting up. Her big grey blue eyes full of tears as she looked at me, her rosey pink lip trembled. I hung my head in shame, unable to meet those sad and broken eyes.

"Please....please don't leave me too." She whispered, her voice was so quiet, so broken it pierced my heart harder and deeper than anything in the last three years. Newt shook Winston's shoulders and gently pulled him up and steered him out of the room, the guy must have still been mostly asleep because he followed without protest. The Med room door clicked closed.

"Please don't leave me too." Jessie pleaded.

I lifted my face, scared to look at her, but I did anyways. She was looking at me with such a deep broken sadness I felt more tears slid down my cheeks.

"Wanna know what you taught me?" She whispered, her voice hardly audible. She didn't wait for an answer, "I learned that...trauma makes you push people away when all you really want is love. You taught me that."

I finally let out the strangled cry. She climbed onto the bed and into my lap. She wrapped her legs around me and her arms around my shoulders, one hand on the back of my head, I wrapped arms around her waist and held on so tightly I was scared I was going to squish her, and buried my face into her neck.

"You push me away...I'm going to slam you into a wall and hold you there. We do this together. You and me; together." She whispered.

I just held her tighter.

"I'm sorry Jessie! I'm sorry."

"Me too."

•×•

Skillet- Save Me

One Direction - If I could Fly