I sat on the edge of the bed long after Minho fell asleep. My leg bounced, my hands felt numb and cold, yet they were sweating. The twisting in my stomach made me like throwing up. I sat with the teddy bear in my lap trying to control my breathing. 

I had told Minho everything, I told him everything I could remember of that mission, of those targets. I was never told why, just who. I told him about the girl and her teddy bear. I ended having a full blow anxiety attack in the middle of the Deadhead forest. It took Minho a long time to bring me back and calm me down. And right now I could feel the controlled panic at the surface. My knuckles were white, holding the stuffed bear. 

I couldn't be sure, however they had the same dark brown cork screw curls, same big doe brown eyes. I would never be able to forget that chubby little baby face. The Greenies baby face. I cursed and threw the bear across the room. I placed my head in my hands. 

Why are the Designers doing this to me?  Why send me the bear, why send the boy? Why?! What purpose does this all serve other than to watch me slowly fall apart? 

I got up. I had to see the kid. I quickly pulled on some leggings and grabbed the hood and mask I came into this maze with. I wore it every once in a while when I would sneak out at night and didn't want to be seen. I slid out of the door and crept down the hall to the front door, and out into the cool night air. It was actually refreshing. Sometimes I miss sleeping outside. Maybe I would make Minho come sleep in the tree house. 

I slipped across the dinning area, and slunk along the homestead to the boys weird slapped together sleeping area, where they have sleeping bags or hammocks and blankets. I stood silent in the shadows. The last time I snuck through the dark and stood in the shadows watching someone sleeping they were a target. It would be easy...these guys have no reason to fear. Well they fear me...but I wouldn't actually kill them. Dug maybe. 

I shook my head trying to rid myself of these intrusive thoughts. I took a slow inhale, trying to steady my heartbeat. And crept closer. The closer I got I heard the unmistakable sounds of someone trying to cry quietly. I froze. My eyes swept the area and landed on a small lump curled in a sleeping bag. 

Dammit. It's the kid. 

I was still, watching the lump in the shadows. I stepped to the side of the log lean-to, to see him better. He had his face squished into the pillow, trying hard not to be loud. Something inside me shifted, I felt it move. I'm surprised I didn't spark with the glitch that happened, or wake up the guys. I felt something for the kid. I felt sorry for him. He was a kid. I had done awful things, I deserved this jail punishment, but this was baby. He didn't deserve this, any of it. 

It's all my fault.  I did this to him. He's here because of me. 

I could feel the monster inside me trying to scratch it's way to the surface. I needed to do something. But what could I do? I'm no good with people. I'm not good with words of comfort, that's Newt's job. I felt guilt and shame trying to drown me. I turned and fled. Tears tried to fall. I slid back into my room, breathing hard. I saw the bear. Slowly walking to the corner where I had thrown it. Slowly picking it up. 

"You need a new home." I whispered.

I turned back around and left the room. Again I made my way through the shadows. I slid up the the sleeping area. The little lump was still quivering and sniffling. I silently stepped over and crouched down. I placed a hand over his mouth. His eyes shot open in panic, he flailed trying to get free, until he realized it was me and I wasn't trying to hurt him. I placed a finger to my lips. I slowly let go of his mouth. He slowly sat up, trying to wipe the tears away. 

"Jeeze Jessie! Do you always sneak around at night?"

"Yes." 

"Wait...really? Why?"

"I'm a Night Walker." 

"A what?" 

"Part Vampire."

This kid asked a crap tone of questions, maybe this wasn't a good idea, my patience was already thin. 

"Well that would make sense. Black hair, black clothes, shadows and night..pale skin. I could see it." 

"And I've woken you up to suck your blood." 

"Already sucked your boyfriend dry?" 

I raised an eyebrow. Was this kid as dirty minded as all the other shanks here? I saw a sly smile form on his still damp cheeks. 

"I didn't say anything, you got a dirty mind Miss Vampire." 

"You're as bad as the rest of these idiots. And its Duchess of Darkness to you, Baby Shank." 

He folded his chubby arms and pouted. "I'm not a baby!" 

"Tell that to the pouty face the fact I saw and heard you crying." 

He opened his mouth, but then closed it again and looked away. I silently begged he wouldn't start again, because I did not know how to deal with other people crying. (I felt slightly guilty all of a sudden for the amount of times I cried in front of Minho. Maybe he was the same...) He sniffed hard. 

"I can't remember anything. I can't remember my name. This place is scary and I don't know what's going on." 

"It's normal." I shrugged. 

"So I've been told." 

"Well we can lie and say your an idiot and know nothing." I growled.

"Wow. Don't hold back." 

"This is me holding back, Baby Shank." I rolled my eyes.  I saw the corner of his mouth tip up into a small smile. 

"I actually believe that." 

"Good. So don't start with me leave me alone and we'll be fine." 

"You came here and nearly killed me with a heart attack. Remember?"

I sat straighter, this was it, I felt my heart beating too fast. But I knew I needed to do it. I needed to do it for Her. I had to at least try to make it up. There was no way I could ever fix the damage I did, I couldn't bring Her back, or her parents. But...I had this one small thing. I pulled the bear out, and handed it to him. He took it with a frown. 

"Why do you have a stuffed teddy Bear?" 

"Don't ask questions." I snapped. I ran a hand through my hair. "I have it. I'm giving it to you. You need it more than me."

He looked at me and wrinkled his nose. "I said I'm not a baby!" 

"Tell that to the tears on your pillow." 

He huffed in frustration, but he hadn't let go of the bear. I could see the glassiness in his eyes. He bowed his head and his thumbs ran over the bears fuzzy tummy. I knew he would keep it now. He took a shanking breath. 

"Thank you." His voice was so little and quiet and broken. I wanted to punch a wall, he was a little child, and he was thrown into this horrible place because of me. 

"I don't like people. People don't usually like me either. The guys are scared of me...if they bug you, tell me and I'll deal with it." 

"Are you like...my big sister now?" 

"No." 

"Mother?"

"Hell no."

"Body guard?"

"Closer." 

He tapped his chin for a second. Then snapped his fingers, "Watch dog." 

I nodded. "Yeah, and I'll attack if they bother you." 

"Why are you helping me if you don't like people?" 

"Fuck sakes, you ask a lot of shucken questions!" I cried, I was done. This was enough questions. I got up. 

"Sleep. It's early morning here." 

I left before he could say anything. But I didn't go far. I stayed in the shadows and watched as he lay down, the teddy bear held tight to his chest. At lest the bear was back in a child's arms. Hopefully She could forgive me, at least a little. I watched him until he fell asleep, and I heard little snores from him. With a satisfied nod I turned and slid back to my room. I had something to do.

•×•

I needed to do something. My hands where shacking and my fingers were itching for a knife again. Today had been overwhelming. Too many things happened. Too many big emotions. I had to get it out. I need a release. I didn't want to wake Minho up and bug him again with all my stupid issues. He had already had enough of my issues. He said it was never too much, but I still felt guilty if I woke him up, it had already been a late night. I pulled my backpack towards me, I sat on my bed, and pulled my note book out and a pencil, and the small flashlight. 

Newt suggest I write. I do, and it does help...but not as instantly as the cold bite of metal on my skin. But I would try. I would try for them. I put my pencil to the paper, and words flowed. 

•×•
Took some creative license and changed to words to fit the story and Jessie-
Real song: Monster by Skillet
•×•

The secret side of me, I never let you see. I keep it caged, but I can't control it! So stay away from me. The beast is ugly. I feel the rage, and I just can't hold it. It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls. It comes awake, and I can't control it!  Hiding under the bed in my body, in my head. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end!

I feel it deep within. It's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster! I hate what I've become. The nightmare's just begun. I must confess that I feel like a monster! 
I feel like a monster! I feel like a monster!

My secret side I keep, hid under lock and key. I keep it caged, but I can't control it! 'Cause if I let it out, it'll tear me up, break me down. Why won't somebody come and save me from this? Make it end!

I feel it deep within. It's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster. I hate what I've become. The nightmare's just begun. I must confess that I feel like a monster! I feel like a monster! I feel like a monster!

I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster. I feel like a monster. I feel like a monster. It's hiding in the dark. It's teeth are razor sharp. There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart. No one can hear me scream. Maybe it's just a dream... Maybe it's inside of me...

Stop this monster! I feel it deep within. It's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monster. I hate what I've become. The nightmare's just begun. I must confess that I feel like a monster! I feel it deep within. It's just beneath the skin. I must confess that I feel like a monsterI'm gonna lose control!

I must confess... that I feel like a monster. 

I'm a monster...
I'm the monster...

•×•

I woke up and the bed was cold beside me. I frowned and rolled over. Jessie was sleeping on her own bed, which was fine, but she was still fully clothed and looked like she was night walking again. I sighed. Last night had been...a mix of emotions. I knew she was still worried about us and what Ben and the other shanks teased about. I know it bothers her a lot, and I don't understand why. I know I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but she's stubborn as shuck and I wont changer her mind. 

I sat up and watched her. She looked softer when she slept, she looked at peace. The tension in her muscles were gone, the fear and panic was gone in her eyes. But as I looked closer, I saw her checks had dried tear tracks. And there was a knife laying on the bed beside her.

Panic flashed through me, did she self harm again? I had told her to come to me, or Newt or Winston, we didn't care if it was the middle of the day or the middle of the night. Her safety was number one priority. I scrambled out of bed, quietly coming over to the bed. I sat down at the edge. Gently, I moved some of her hair off her face. Holding my breath I tugged the sleeve of her shirt up. 

"I didn't." Said a quiet sleepy voice. 

I exhaled slowly. I closed my eyes in relief. I felt the tension and panic release. 

"Sorry I woke you. I saw you still dressed and got worried." I looked down at her, her eyes were red and puffy from lack of sleep. I gently stroked her cheek with my thumb. "Tell me Night Walker, what did you do last night? You look tired." 

She was quiet, I could see the turmoil in her beautiful grey blue eyes. She looked pasted me, she was looking into the distance, lost in some memory or thought. I waited, she always came back. She took a slow shaky breath. 

"I gave the Greenie the Bear." 

I didn't expect that, I looked down, with my eyes wide in question. I waited for her to continue. 

"He was crying. He's just a baby. He needed it more than me." 

"Jessie, my beautiful Duchess of Darkness, who has a black soul...is she feeling soft towards someone?" 

"Guilt." 

"I think it's more than that. I think he's pulled at that one heart string." I gave her a small smirk. She could

"Don't tell anyone I have a heart, it's a secret." She whispered, I could tell she was trying.

"It's my secret." I leaned down and gently kissed her nose. I felt her body relax. I sat back up.

"Yeah...I dunno...maybe...it's one way to make up for what I did. Maybe she can forgive me...at least a little." She said quietly.

I hummed, "I'm sure she would be glad your keeping an eye on her brother. And Jess, it wasn't your fault. You had no control."

She just nodded.

"So how did you keep yourself from harming yourself?"

"I took Newt's advice...and I wrote..."

She slowly sat up and picked up the notebook. I hadn't even noticed it because I was so focused on Jessie.

"I'm proud of you Jessie." I whispered quietly, cupping her cheek.

She just looked at me with sad eyes. And then handed me the notebook. I hadn't told her I read her book. I kept that to myself. I probably should tell her...

But I looked down and saw another one; another long poem, piece of writing. And my heart broke somemore reading. She had beautiful way with words. But they were such a call for help.

And I had no idea what else to do.