It took me another day to feel physically recovered to get out of bed. I don't remember what happened the first night. I remember waking up, arms around me tight and a frantic voice, but then...my body and mind picked up on something else, they weren't hurting me, nothing hurt. I knew it was Minho. It was always him.

I remember the feeling of Minho's arms around me, the sound of his heartbeat in my ear and his slow deep voice. I didn't pay attention to what he was saying but the melody of the little lullaby and the rumble in his chest while he sung made my mind slow down.

The second night he lay down in his bed, I dragged myself out of my bed and slid into his without a word. I felt stupid, because I had the teddy bear clutched in my hand. The little girl had been haunting me in my sleep and in the hours I was awake.  I had taken the bear from my bag and held it all day. I had silently cried and begged her forgiveness. I had made a promise to hold her teddy for her. So maybe it was the changing after effects that made me feel sappy. I didn't know what else to do to make up for the terrible things I had done.

So as stupid and broken and vulnerable as I felt, I awkwardly and hesitantly stood by Minho's bed. He said nothing, but opened his arms and I lay my head on his chest. My injured arm had the bear held tightly to my chest. He wrapped me up, a hand going to my very dirty and greasy hair. Before I could ask he started to quietly sing the little lullaby.

I silently scoffed at myself.

Look at you .. the big bad scary trained Assassin acting like a toddler after a scary dream. Standing at the edge of the bed...and they hold you and sing a lullaby, while you hold a teddy bear and try not to cry. You big shucken baby. Grow the shuck up.

But that's the problem wasn't it...I never had the chance to have this as a child. I was whipped and hit and yelled at when I made a noise. Now when I whimper or feel scared someone is there wanting to help.

Maybe now...my inner child, who was hurt so bad, who was not allowed to be a scared child... She was begging to be held and heald.

Minho's deep voice was quiet and soothing. I felt my muscles slowly relaxing. My mind slowly let go of everything. And I was pulled into the dark quiet of sleep.

•×•

Minho told me one more day then I could go back into the maze. We argued this morning. I wanted to just do it anyways, and I almost did. I didn't want to show anymore weakness. I didn't want to be stuck here anymore. I wasn't afraid of the maze the guys were. I wasn't afraid of the Grievers like they were. I wouldn't admit it, but I did still feel exhausted. It was like trying to recover from the worst stomach flu and fever you have ever had.

I raised the clever and slammed it down again. If I wasn't going into the maze, I'd be with Winston in the Bloodhouse. I didn't talk much this week, not like I talked much before, but this week I had been more withdrawn. All morning we had worked in silence.

"So..." Winston started.

"No." I snapped. "I'm not talking about the changing and what I saw."

"Nah...I know that's jacked, Gally doesn't talk either. I was gonna ask you something else."

I stopped my arm mid way back up. Gally had gone through the changing. I forgot. I frowned at the hunk of meat in front of me. Maybe... Maybe he would be someone to talk to... I wonder what he saw.

"Jessie?" Winston called, waving a hand in front of my face.

"Huh? What?" I looked up, I had been lost in thought.

"I asked you a question."

"I wasn't listening." 

Winston rolled his eyes, "Yes clearly." The corners of his mouth twitched up. 

I rolled my eyes, "What's so important, Winnie?" I asked

He had gone back to chopping. "I wanted to know what's up with you and a certain Keeper of the runners." He asked casually, But I could feel his glances. 

I growled and slammed the clever down again. What was going on with us? Today was the first day out of my room. The first day I showered and took care of myself. I sat in the back away from everyone. The guys all steered clear now, terrified of me. Minho hulled me back drenched in blood and convulsing from the Griever poising. Apparently I was out for almost a week, I screamed for almost 2 and a half days and now apparently at night I randomly scream during my sleep. Even Dug, who would have made some comment about me screaming at night while sharing a room with Minho, kept his mouth shut and his eyes  averted. 

I had sat at the picnic table picking at my food, Newt was the one who kept encourage me to eat more. Minho and I had the huge ugly argument about going into the maze, I had the butter knife grasped in my hand so hard it was shaking. We had stood face to face, the picnic table in between us, screaming at each other. He refused to let me into the maze. Winston had  timidly suggested I stay and work with him. I threw the knife onto the table and left without a word. I didn't say anything to Minho or Newt or Alby. Instead I climbing the barn and stayed on the roof until I knew most of the guys were busy with work. I silently came into the butcher area, grabbed a knife and apron and got to work beside Winston.

I shrugged at his question. He pointed his huge bloody cleaver knife at me.

"Nah uh huh, sister, I want answers. It's girl talk right now. I'm the closest thing to a shucken girl in this place. Now spill it." He tossed the clever onto the table and crossed his bloody arms, narrowing his eyes. 

"I don't know." 

"Bull klunk." 

I threw my knife down onto the table now and crossed my own arms glaring at him.  "What the hell do you want to know? Yeah, we've kissed, I throw knives at his face and we scream at and argue with each other." 

"You also sneak off together at night. The fear and panic he had when he went to find you, he refused to leave your bed during the changing. The last two nights you start screaming, it sounds like a shucken bar fight in your room but then you go quiet and you can hear Minho. And now! Now the mighty Savage who has problems with all kinds of authority and rules, the girl who does whatever the shuck she wants, regardless of the rules...listen to The Keeper and stayed behind." He paused, stuck a hip out, and pointed a finger at me. "So spill." 

I ground my teeth, and growled. I glared at Winston. I hated talking about anything personal. Sonya was my keeper of secrets, though even then there wasn't much, we never talked about boys- there had never been boys to talk about or remember. Now...there were boys to talk about but no Sonya. I had Winnie. 

"I don't know. I really don't." 

"Have you kissed him more than at the fire the first night?" He asked, his eyes wide in excitement. 

"Yes." I said simply. 

"Oh come ON girl!" He threw his hands up in exasperation, "Give me something to work with here!"  

"What do you wanna know?" I asked bewildered at his response. 

"When? Where? What was it like?" He asked, pulling up a stool and sitting on it.

"Uhh...one time in our room...and uh the Barn roof."  I frowned, I didn't understand his great need for details. He was waving his hand in keep going motion. "Umm...I don't know..felt like...Oh this is stupid." I cried and backed away from the table. 

"Jessie, come on. I'm not prying into your back ground or the changing. I'm asking you about something that should make you happy! Now pretend maybe I'm this Sonya, and tell her. I'll even giggle like a girl." 

"Oh shuck, please don't." 

"Then sit your ass down and spill the juicy secrets sister! I'm dying to know! How the Duchess of Darkness got her claws into the stubborn, scary Keeper of the Runners. How'd the bedroom kiss happen." He grinned. 

"I held him at knife point. And threatened his life." 

"Haha. No, I wanna know how the first kiss happened...well second I guess."  

"No seriously. I had a knife to his throat...and it just kinda happened." Even just thinking back I felt my stomach do that weird twisting drop of death, and I felt my face going warm. 

"Ha, you're shucken serious, I can see the blush! No way. The shank likes it rough." Winston smirked. 

"I'm not exactly a fluffy kitten." I said flatly. 

"Touche." He chuckled, "Okay, now what was it like?" He encouraged.

"Umm..." I looked down at my lap, I had picked up the knife and was fiddling with it. "I felt...all hot and tingly. I couldn't think after. My brain shut off. He made me feel..." I frowned looking for the right words. "Alive and frozen at the same time. Hot and cold at the same time, my stomach did a weird thing." 

"Dang." Winston whispered, his eyes were big and his mouth open slightly, "When was that?"

"Before the Greenie's fire, what, a week ago? Two weeks ago?"

He laughed and leapt off the chair with a whoop. I startled at his reaction. 

"That would explain the ridiculously high tension between you He looked like he wanted to do nothing but pin you to a wall, like I almost saw him drooling while you tossed deadly weapons at him. Shank really does have some dangerous kinks." 

"What's your point Winnie?" I asked, this conversation was starting to bother me. 

"He's fallen for you hard." He said simply.

I opened and closed my mouth a few times and frowned. He was eyeing me now, and I wasn't sure I liked the look on his face. 

"What about you Duchess of Darkness? Have you fallen for the stone cold sass king?" 

I shrugged, not knowing how to answer his question. I growled and fiddled with the knife again. 

"Okay. Well lets start with these kisses. He makes you feel all the thing, nothing bad, right?" I slowly nodded.  "Good. How does he make you feel besides kissing him?" 

I was quiet for a long time, thinking over everything. I hated that Winston was making me think about this, making me face my feelings. He was making me sit and sort them out. Figuring out what exactly I was feeling. How did Minho make me feel? When he kissed me, he literally took my breath away, I couldn't breath. But when I have night mares he talks me down, he encourages me to open up bit by bit. He reassures me, doesn't ask for me to change. He made me feel validated, he made me feel seen. He felt bad, but not pity. But most importantly he makes me feel safe. I feel safe enough to peek thought the cracks in my shields. 

"Safe." I finally said quietly. 

Winston smiled, "Safe is good. Safe means you trust him." He said gently.

"And you know...now that I know all this, that argument this morning? He's just really worried about you. And you listened... begrudgingly. But you stayed at his...aggressive request you take one more day. Means you value his opinion." 

I snorted, "Aggressive request. I'm going to use that next time we argue so bad I'm white knuckling a butter night."

"I'm proud of you Jessie. Seriously." 

The corner of my lip lifted in a small smile. I don't remember anyone tell me that without an ulterior motive. The rest of the day I wasn't so up tight. I was quiet but not so filled with anger. We spent the rest of the afternoon talking about how annoying Greenies were and what the newt kids were like back in the girls maze. I helped Winston clean up and we took the meat to Frypan. We decided to stay bloody for supper. I liked the fact Winston wasn't opposed to scaring the crap out of the other guys, they already thought Slicers were gross and creepy and the guys were terrified of me, so it was great seeing them pale and scurry away. 

Minho talked with the runners for a bit then came over to the keepers table and sat at the end. He did a small double take. I smirked. It was amusing to me, seeing him constantly glance over. Every other guy kept their eyes averted, except Alby, Gally, Newt and Winston. They ignored the blood. Newt had rolled his eyes but kept talking like it was a regular day. 

•×•

I finally showered and was sitting on my bed, with some medical equipment, pulling my stitches out. There was a knock on the door. 

"Go away."

"Jessie?" 

"What Newt?"

"Can I come in?"

"Fine." 

I winced slightly as I tug another one out, these stitches were at a weird angle and it was hard to get at them. 

"Uhh, what the bloody hell are you doing?" 

"Building a shucken snowman, Newt. What does it look like?"

"Why? Also where did you get the equipment? Wait...does Jeff know you have these?"

"One, stitches suck, and I want them out. Two, I don't want other people touching me. And three...what do you think?" 

He just shook his head. He watched for a second, watching me twist ariund. 

"Okay, I understand the not touching thing, but can I please buggen' help you?" He didn't wait for an answer, he just took the scissors out of my hand and got to work. 

"You're a pretty good Medjack." 

"Well before Jeff was here...I was the closest thing."

"How come your not a Medjack?" 

"Didn't want to, I wanted to find a way out." he shrugged. It was quiet in the room, he kept working, slowly and steadily, gently pulling my stitches out.

"Newt?" I asked quietly. He paused, listening, he hummed in response.

"Can I ask you something?" 

"Always, Love." 

"After...when you said you were angry and it took a while to be okay... What changed?" 

He was quiet. He sat still. I didn't push him, I knew it was a personal question, and if someone asked me that I'd probably threaten them with a knife. 

"Well..." He said quietly, "I realized I'm not in  this alone. We are all in the same situation. We are all in this together. We escape together or we are  stuck in here together. There's still somethin' missing, but right now...I formed my own family. Broken, and dysfunctional  as it is, were a family. In a place like this, we have to rely on each other." 

The bedroom door was ajar and it was pushed open and Minho walked in. He frowned at us, but rolled his eyes and shook his hear, I watched as he hung up his towel and go through his runners bag. Newt glanced at me and then went back to my side. 

"You also need someone in life who you can trust. We can't always do it alone." Newt said quietly, for only me to hear. "There all out. Now I'll take these back to Jeff." He said louder, "Stop stealing things." He scolded as he got up. 

"Stop making it so easy!" I smirked at him. 

He rolled his eyes and left. closing the door behind himself. Minho finally turned and folded his arms, leaning on the dresser. 

"So? How was Winston and the bloodhouse?"

"Bloody." 

"Yes. I saw at supper. I said before, red really brings out your eyes" 

I smirked as I got up off the bed, I stretched the one side and I sighed in relief. 

"Did Jeff say they were good to come out?" 

"Screw Jeff. I do what I want." I grinned mischievously. 

He snorted with a smirk. His eyes trailed over my body, landing on the stinger scar. It was still red and a bit black, looking like a bruise. His smirk dropped, and his eyebrows pulled into the middle.

"How are you feeling?" 

"Fine." 

He raised an eyebrow at me. I just rolled my eyes. "I'm fine Minho. Stop worrying about me." 

"It's my job to worry. Because one, I'm your Keeper. And two you don't worry about yourself." 

"Excuse me? You are NOT my Keeper. You forget I was an OG, AND.!" I said taking a step towards him, my finger pointing at him, " I AM a Keeper." I took another step, narrowing my eyes, "Another thing shuckface, I don't worry about me because there is nothing to worry about." 

"Really?" He asked, he had reached out and took hold of my wrist, brining it up, he pulled the cloth and leather off my wrist, revealing the fresh and clean white gauze underneath. "I beg to differ, Jessie." He said quietly. 

His dark intense eyes flicked up to mine. My stomach did that weird twisting summersault drop. 

•×•

× Her eyes are a bit too green, but it works ×