My eyes shot open. They slid shut again. I felt exhausted. My arm hurt, sending waves of intense pain shooting up my arm and into the rest of my body. Maybe I should go back to sleep, and I could just die and be done. Rid the world of another monster. No one would miss me.

Minho.

My eyes snapped open when his name floated across my mind. He would miss me... wouldn't he? Maybe. But if they escaped from here he'd find another girl; just as interesting but less chaotic, less of a mess. My eyes fluttered closed again, tears stinging my eyes. My good arm clenched the teddy bear.

I hated that the creators had this, I had taken it from the little girls house. I can't remember what happened after, but they had it. And only sent it up after I spoke about it.

Remember who you are.

I remember. How could I not? I went through the changing a year and a half ago and those memories haunted me almost every night. I'm a monster. I'm a horrible person. I'm a trained killer. A murderer.

My head dropped. Pain and sorrow consumed me. A wild sob erupted. I screamed, and cried, and cursed, everything from deep in my dark broken black soul. My sobs echoed off the walls. I screamed until my voice was raw.

It was when I was quiet again did I hear the unmistakable sounds of a Griever.

•×•

I had been running almost full out for an hour. I screamed for her. I would listen, as my despretate cries echoed off the walls. I kept going, having no idea where she would be. My anxiety climbed higher. This was exactly like a year and a half ago. Me sprinting through the maze screaming for someone.

Last time it was Newt... someone closer than a brother and now the girl who had taken my heart. Shuck!

"JESSIE?!" My screams were getting more desperate.

I skidded to a hault. I had heard something. I spun in the direction of it. I heard a scream. It was faint, hardly audible but I heard it. It was full of pain and anguish. I felt my heart stop. It was Jessie. She was screaming and it didn't stop.

I sprinted back down the hall and took the closest hall towards her scream. She must be close to the intersection of section four and five. I rounded a corner and stopped dead. A scream frozen in my throat. At the end of the hall was a Griever.

It lifted it's head and it's black beady eyes looked right at me. An inexplicable fear hit me like a brick wall. I crumpled to the floor and scrambling backwards. The Griever didn't move. It looked back down at the ground. That's when I saw it was standing over someone. I saw black hair. The scream finally left my mouth.

The Griever looked back at me and I swear it smiled. It's long tail flew over its body like a whip. The claw opened and closed a few times, and then slammed down into the ground, around Jessie's limp body.

"No!"

It slowly closed around her and it lifted her into the air, her arms and flopped and her head rolled and hung at an awkward angle.

"No!" I screamed louder. I somehow got onto my feet, my legs still wouldn't work.

I saw the stinger slowly extend.

"No!" It seemed that's all my brain could think of.

The Griever stabbed her, making her body twitch. The stinger retracted the claw opened and dropped her body back to the ground which was starting to twitch. Without doing anything else, like it's work was done it backed up and left. I spied a big gash in its body and a knife sticking out of the side of its head.

My mind finally cleared and my legs finally worked, they carried me down the hall.

"Jessie!" I screamed, finally fully understanding what had happened.

I skidded to a halt on my knees beside her. I gingerly rolled her over, her backpack saved her head from slamming the floor. But the moment I rolled her fear spiked through me again. She was covered in blood. Her face was white as a ghost, and she was cold. I pulled her backpack off as best I could yanking it open and pulling the first aid kit she always had out. I had to stop the bleeding before I even tried to get her back to the Glade. Her arm was drenched in blood. She had a huge gash in her side, and of course the stinger mark, which was red  swollen and rimmed in black. The poison started spreading through her veins, turning them black.

I wasn't carful, I just needed it to stop. I wrapped her arm and took the extra shirt she always had and pressed it to her side and did my best to wrap it. I threw her backpack on and picked her up, not so gingerly.

"Sorry!" I winced when her head flopped.

She had started to whimper with the twitching of her limbs. I had to get her back, she need grief serum. I turned and ran. Her blood was seeping through the hastily wrapped bandages. I felt it slowly dampening my shirt.

I was having trouble trying to catch my breath, I had a stitch in my side, my legs and lungs were burning. Sweat poured down my temples and neck.

I was about another hour and a half from the Glade. I heard footsteps.

"Hey!" I yelled. I had to slow down and breath, I was going to drop her off I didn't slow down to catch my breath. Footsteps echoed off the wall.

"Hey! Help! Guys!" I yelled again.

"Coming!" I recognized the voice. A minute later Ben and Jason rounded the corner. They sprinted towards me.

"Shuck!"

"Take her for a second." I passed her to Jason. I pulled her backpack off and tossed it to Ben. I took my backpack off as well. I took Jessie back.

"Jason take my backpack. Someone run back to the Glade, tell them were coming. Jeff and Clint need to be ready! Go!"

Ben spun around and took off. Jason stayed beside me the whole time back. I was glad for my runners. My head was spinning with the effort and anxiety. I was sucking air so bad Jason had a hand under my arm. What made it even harder was she had started to really convulse and she had started to scream.

"Let me take her, man!"

"No. Almost- there."

We finally rounded the last corner the last stretch of hall. I could see the Glade and the crowd of guys. Newt and Winston at the front. The closer we got the more clearly I could see the terror on their white faces.

I stumbled into the Glade, and sunk to my knees, Jessie still clutched tight in my arms.

Jeff and Clint pushed through. Clint unceremoniously ripped her from my arms turned and sprinted towards the Homestead. Newt, Winston, Alby, Gally and Fry all crouched down infront of me. I could feel my eyes rolling. I had used every possible amount of strength and stamina to get back. I had nothing left. Everything around me started to become fuzzy and spots danced in my eyes.

Newt was talking, I could see his mouth moving but I couldn't hear him. My body sagged and my head flopped. Blinking hard I shook my head trying to clear it. I had slumped into Alby who held me up and somehow they all managed to get me back into my feet.

Finally my hearing clicked back in, the Glade was loud and I hear Newt's voice.

"-Need the medJacks too."

"Huh? What?"

Newt just looked at me with understanding.
Alby on one side and Gally on the other they helped haul me through the Glade and into the Homestead and up the stairs.

Jeff and Clint were working furiously on Jessie. An empty syring lay on the table. I sighed in relief, she had got the serum. But now they were trying to stitch her up. She was so pale and lifeless.

Newt forced me to sit and drink water, he kept trying to talk to me but I waved him off.

"Jeff..."

Jeff looked over he knew what I was asking without saying anything.

"She'll live. But going through the changing twice...? I've never seen it. But she's tougher than all the guys here."

I let out the breath I was holding. The entire room

"What about all the blood?"

"Looks like the Griever got her side pretty good. But her arm..." He trailed off quietly.

"What about it?" I asked hesitantly. My voice was rough and shaky.

"It looked like she did that to herself."

"What?" My head snapped up and my eyes flew open.

"Come here."

I groaned as I got to my feet. My entire body screamed at me. But I came over. Jeff was sitting on the bed beside her, her limp arm in his lap, he was wrapping more gauze and thick medical gauze pads around the sloppy hastily wrap job I did. Newt and Winston came over leaving Alby and Gally near the door.

"There's too much blood and in such a weird spot...I don't want to remove the bandages until I know it's for sure stopped bleeding. Then I'll clean it and see. But..."

"She probably did." Newt said quietly, looking away. Tears in his eyes.

"What? What do you mean?"

With a sigh he pulled his sleeve up and pulled his leather and cloth bracelets away, revealing thin white scars.

"I noticed a while ago she was self harming. I tried to help...I understand..."

"Whatever happened this morning was too much..." Winston said with a frown, "do...do you think she tried to end it?"

"Shuck I bloody hope not!"

I sunk to my knees, my head in my hands, that's when she started to scream.

•×•

Jessie screamed almost none stop the entire night. Scream and cried, sobs wracked her body, she shivered and shook, her arms and legs twitched, her head thrashed. Her veins got worse, swollen and turned dark, almost black. They stuck out horribly against her pale skin. Clint had to tie her arms down so she wouldn't hurt herself.

There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless and hopeless. Jeff had got me to help with her arm. She flailed, so I had to hold her arm down while he did his best to remove the blood soaked bandages and clean her up. Once the blood was removed I winced at the damage she inflicted on hers.

How could she hate herself so much that she would do this to herself? Would these new memories make it worse? How different would she be now? Once she was wrapped back up I let go of her spazzing limb.

Newt forced me to go shower. The hot water felt good on my body. It was sleep that I needed, but I didn't think I would get any. Not only was her screams echoing through the Glade, keeping everyone up, but it was The fact there was nothing I could do to help. She was in excruciating pain and I couldn't help. I couldn't be there for her.

If I was faster maybe I could have gotten her before the Griever. If I hadn't taken so long in the shower, or stayed on the roof day dreaming. With a growl I threw my fist into the shower wall. Placing my forehead on the wall I let the anger go. What if-ing wasn't going to help anyone. All I could do now was wait and do what I could after she woke up.

Drying off and pulling in some clean clothes I dropped my stuff off in my room. I paused when I saw Jessie's backpack on her bed. Curiosity got the better of me. I sat down and opened the bag. The teddy bear that had caused all the problems was laying on top.

I pulled it out and frowned. It was small and looked well loved. There was blood splatters on it, some looked fresh while there was a stain on the back that looked quite old.

Frowning I turned it over a few times. This had to be the teddy bear Jessie referred to when she said she was the reason it didn't have arms to snuggle. Then that means she really did kill a child...

Struggling with that thought I saw the notebook in her bag. I pulled it out as well. I probably shouldn't be doing this...but curiosity got the better of me. I opened it and flipped through the pages. The more I read the more I wanted to cry. The more I wanted to hold her and protect her against everything in this world.

Everywhere was the words: Monster. Killer. Murder. Broken.

There was one page, it looked like a poem or something, reading it nearly broke me. This was how she truly felt and saw herself.

I woke up again in the pouring rain. I feel the windows shake, thunder in my brain.
Every thought is like a hurricane, destroying everything but it leaves no trace.

Four walls made of skin feeling paper thin, don't know if I can take what I'm holding in. It's death-threat, déjà vu, out for blood again. It's out for blood again...

I'm a cage. I'm a prison for what no one sees. Ashamed, like I'm sleeping with the enemy. No one believes me, but I'm six feet deep. I'm a monster made of memories! It's alive, like a parasite inside of me. And it feeds of the trauma of what used to be. But there's no shred of evidence 'cause I don't bleed, from this monster made of memories.

I am a monster made of Memories

My darkest own made a creature that feeds on the fear of everything I can't forget. It walks beside me, gun against my head so I look terrified 'til I've paid the debt. Four walls made of skin, feeling paper thin and I know I can't take what I'm holding in. It's death-threat, déjà vu, out for blood again...It's out for blood again...

I'm a Monster made of Memories.

•×•
I took some creative license and changed just a few words to fit the story. Real song is Monster made of Memories by Citizen Soilders.
•×•

I had to stop and read that a few times. Every time, it made me feel worse. Tears blurred my eyes. Slowly I flipped the page and found a page where she had written a few of her memories. My chest tightened while I read them. I was right. She had been a trained killer. Someone, probably this Him  she always cried out against, would almost torture her and then say a bunch of random words and her mind went blank. She described it as foggy and murky. Only clearing after her mission was complete.

And I finally found the memory of the teddy bear. The tears finally slid past my lashes. She woke up from the fog only to realize it was too late...only to realize what she had done...that's when the true self loathing started. When she realized what this Him was making her do.

My heart felt like it had shattered. I felt broken for her. And I sat on Jessie's bed, tears running down my face holding her memories and self hatred and a tiny child's teddy bear.