Deb was a real idiot about me turning her down. Emily dumped her ass during lunch, saying if she couldn't stop going on about it that she had to stop hanging out with us because she wasn't just making me uncomfortable. I was very grateful for the support, even if I felt a little bad that her friends were deserting her for my sake.

That gave the senior courage to ask me out though. His name was Justin. He played tennis and volleyball. He was tall, dark and handsome, or so Emily kept saying. As much as I liked his thick black hair and deep chestnut eyes, I was beginning to believe that I was a lot more like my mother than I thought. I had a thing for blondes.

Emily said I should give it a shot with him though. He seemed nice and it was very flattering to be asked by an older boy. He was also apparently well known by my mother, because when I told her that I had been asked out she was very excited. It was strange to me to realise that it didn't matter so much if I was gay, just that I dated the right  boy for her.

"Good for you sweetie! Justin Knightly. He is such a catch. I swear if I was twenty years younger I would totally go for him." She gushed as Mark and I sat there uncomfortably. As if. You know you'd fuck him now if you had a chance, I thought to myself churlishly.

"I didn't say yes, mum. I asked him to think about it." I muttered. Her excitement was kind of putting a damper on mine. Mark was completely quiet, just watching her with a strange detached look.

"Well you are going to, right? I mean, he is a Knightly and absolutely gorgeous, am I right? You two should go on a date for Valentines Day. Wouldn't that be so romantic? Awe, my baby is growing up into such a little stud." She finally stopped talking when the food showed up, but by then I wasn't hungry. I had this weird tight feeling in my chest that made it hard to swallow anything.

Mark and I kept exchanging glances that I wasn't sure I could interpret. He didn't seem to want to speak up, and neither of us really knew what to say at the time. Everything my mother said from then on to me involved telling me I was going to date this boy, it seemed whether I liked it or not. I liked the idea less and less. It wasn't Justin's fault, but I couldn't help the fact.

That is what made it very hard to face him at school the next day. It would seem that my mother had already spoken to his parents. He was excited because he was under the impression that I was going to say yes. That of course made it pretty much impossible to say no. My friends were terribly impressed that I was dating a senior.

Deb finally fell silent and rejoined the group. I am not sure why me dating Justin changed things for her, but she seemed apologetic about her outburst and everyone forgave her. Now they were all hyped up about me being walked to class, having him stop to talk to me on the way by with his friends, and the awkward hugs and cheek kisses.

So far he seemed content with just that. It was a relief honestly, because I was not ready to kiss him on the mouth and I hated the idea of PDA. I think he could tell that I wasn't a hundred percent on board with our relationship. He went out of his way to try and make me feel comfortable though, and I appreciated it.

Valentines day came far too quickly for me. My mother had arranged for reservations at a ridiculously expensive restaurant for two teenagers to be going on a date to. She sent our driver to pick up my boyfriend and insisted on taking pictures in the front hall when he arrived. He really did look great in his suit. So did I.

I didn't know what to do with the flowers he brought me, so I gave them to William to deal with. My mother was flirting with my date, and I glanced into the picture in the front hall to make sure my tie looked okay. Mark came over and gave it a few tugs, making my heart beat unreasonably out of my chest and fixing the tie perfectly again.

"Good luck." He whispered to me with a rather crooked smile. I gave a sickly smile back and was forced to leave the safety of my home with my new boyfriend's hand on my waist. Lenny opened the door for me and gave me a look. I understood that look. Just say the word and I got you. I nodded, cheered up for some reason that I wasn't completely alone.

"Your mom is really nice. Mark seems cool too." Justin said to me in an attempt to have some sort of conversation.

"Thanks. Uhm, have you ever been to the restaurant we are going to?" I tried to keep it going to avoid any silence.

"Nope. My dad said it is one of the best in the city though. He said it is very hard to get reservations, especially on a holiday." He was looking at me with a certain amount of admiration. I blushed a bit under the attention.

"My mother made the arrangements for us. I think she has been there before." I didn't know what to say to him. If we were at school I could ask him how his classes were or what his friends were up to. Here, now, I had no idea what to talk about. It was a school romance that didn't seem like it could leave the campus. What did we even have in common?

Our parents knew the same people. We went to the same school. We both liked the same sex as partners. He liked sports and English class. I liked art and science class. I played first person shooter games and he played car racing games. I read Harry Potter and... well I didn't think I ever saw him with something that wasn't poetry or an obscure author I had never heard of.

We seemed so right for each other to other people, but I couldn't see it at all. Did you marry someone because everyone else told you that you should? If I was so perfect for him and he was so great for me... then why did I feel nothing at all? Like looking at a painting I couldn't understand. No matter how long I stared and stared, it seemed out of focus.

Someone took our picture going into the restaurant. The guy at the front hardly raised an eyebrow at us when he took us to our seats. All the tables were couples tonight, and we had a luxurious booth. Most people had champagne, but we were obviously underage, so they served us whatever non-alcoholic cocktail we wanted.

I ordered something fruity and he ordered something creamy. It seemed we were still so different in our tastes. I ordered a pasta dish and he ordered red meat. I had the salad and he had the soup. I wanted a bowl of ice cream and he had a warm brownie. If we stayed together then our staff would be forced to make two completely separate meals every day.

I laughed internally at the thought. We had been together a month and I was thinking about what if? That was crazy. I was young and there was no way I was going to settle down with the first boy who asked me on a date. Maybe it was my mother making me think about this so seriously. The way she acted like it was a given that we should date.

I worried a little bit that she was going to push me to stay with Justin and give him false hope. Actually I worried that this date of ours was going to give him the wrong idea. I had given this a chance, sort of, and I knew that my mind was not where it should be in all of this. The whole time I had been doubting. The relationship, how I felt, it was all wrong on my end.

I had to man up and break up with him before he fell in love without me. He was a nice guy who deserved to get out there and find someone who liked him back. He didn't deserve my wishy washy mind-set and half committed attitude, he deserved better. So I did my best to make this date fun and a good memory for him.

Maybe that was a good idea, and maybe it wasn't the best idea. I dropped him off at his house, which was a very nice place to be sure. We stood awkwardly outside his door as I said goodnight. He leaned in to kiss me and I turned my head at the last minute instinctively. Like I always did. This seemed to irk him a bit, so I apologized and blushed.

"Don't apologize. Please don't... You... you aren't really into this whole thing, are you?" His eyes were hurt and I wanted to say I was, I wanted to reassure him. But I hate lying.

"I'm sorry, Justin. My mother... you know... well everyone says you are a really great guy. I agree with them. I really do. You just aren't the guy for me. I wanted to love you." I looked down at my feet, shamefaced. I felt horrible for doing this. I didn't want to do this now, today of all days. He tapped my chin so I looked back up at him.

"You know you don't have a chance with him, right?" He cocked a brow at my confused look. "I saw the way you looked at him back there. It would never work."

"I don't know what you mean." I said in confusion. He stared at me for a long moment, then nodded as if he saw something I didn't. I was so bewildered by what he said that I stood there looking at the empty space after he had gone inside. Did I miss something? I wandered back to the car in a sort of strange trance. Lenny asked if I was okay.

Was I okay? I wasn't really sure. I felt terrible for dumping the nicest boy I had met in a long time. I was completely thrown by his comments at the door. Did he mean...? Surely he wasn't talking about Mark? Did I really look at him like... like that? Who else noticed me looking? Did my mother? The staff? Wait, did Mark? I suddenly felt a little sick to my stomach.

I felt like I was walking in a dream when I got back to the house. Lenny looked on in concern, but I waved him off absently. I walked inside and leaned against the closed door. I was back home, safe but not the same. There was a sort of static in my brain that wouldn't let me think properly or move. I was dazed, like I had just been hit by a massive punch to the jaw.

"Greg? Are you alright?" I looked over to see Mark standing in the corridor looking concerned. I looked around, but didn't see any of the staff or my mother lurking about.

"Is my mother home?" I asked. His brows lowered a little and he shook his head no. "I broke up with him. I was going to wait but... well he sort of brought it up." Mark looked surprised and... relieved?

"Oh. Is that... is it a good thing or a bad thing?" He seemed unsure what to say. I shrugged.

"Mother will be disappointed." I noted listlessly. We stood there, not saying anything or moving and barely looking at one another.

"What about you? Are you disappointed?" His voice broke through the buzzing in my brain like hot water. I looked at him, trying to shake off the fuzz that made it so hard to really see anything.

"No. I couldn't even kiss him. If anything I think I feel... relieved." I admitted. I saw him fighting back a grin and wondered what it meant. He met my glance and nodded reassuringly.

"Then you probably did the right thing. I guess you still feel kind of shitty though, huh?" He said to me as he walked forward. I nodded, rubbing the weirdness in my chest a little bit.

"Yeah. He was a nice guy. I hate that mum led him on a little." I acknowledged as he got close enough for me to feel the warmth of his body. I tried not to look at him, afraid that I might give away what I couldn't seem to help. Justin was right. I felt it now as he stood next to me. I was attracted to him. I liked him, not as a friend or a stepfather, but like a potential lover.

"Do you want to go upstairs and play video games with me for a bit? I need a break from work." He offered his hand to me and I couldn't stop myself from taking the warmth in my own. It was comforting and disturbing, touching him casually and wanting him like I did.

"Sure. I would like that." I admitted. I let him lead me upstairs to the den and sat watching as he chose a game to play. Now that it was out there, I felt like I couldn't stop thinking about it. Mark was probably surprised when he was able to beat me with his scores, but he didn't say anything. I was grateful for the lack of comments.

It meant that even if I admitted it to myself, I didn't have to say it out loud.