Atifa's pov:

Watching him getting stunned with whatever he read, I took the journal from his hands, curious to know what it was that had made him a statue.

22nd March, 2015

Dani...

I- I realised something. Not right now, but today. You know what happened today?

Today when I was going to the kitchen in the morning to make breakfast, I overheard Maaz and Zara, Saad's bhabi, asking him when he was going to talk to me about Atifa's ruksati. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I swear, it's just that when I was heading to the kitchen, I overheard them talking about it. And it made me realise that I… I just dug my own grave…

I- I was scared of losing our princesses and now I… I will have to give away our daughter? God! You were right! I don't think about things thoroughly and just act impulsively. I was so happy to get her married to a good guy that I didn't even think about the fact that I would have to let her go too! And I- I'm not ready for that. I- I just can't let her go Dani. I can't lose her too. I have already lost you and only Allah knows how I survived for so long. How will I even be able to live if she leaves me too?

Plus, I know that I don't have much time left in this world, and I want to spend it with our princesses. I- I can't let them go. I don't want to let them go! What am I supposed to do now Dani? What will I answer Saad?

You know what else happened today?

In the afternoon, Atifa got to know that I kidnapped Saad and she wasn't ready to listen to me. She thought that I forced him to marry her. I mean, obviously she would have gotten to know about it someday or the other, but the fact that Saad told her that himself infuriated me. I thought that he was a considerate boy. I- I mean, maybe it's not his fault but she got to know about it from him only, right? I don't exactly know how she got to know, but Dani, I- She shouldn't have told me off na.

She… she confronted me about it and didn't believe him. I'm kind of glad that she didn't just blindly trust him and instead asked me about it, but she should have at least let me clear my point. I mean, I know maybe she was angry but even I didn't get enough time to actually comprehend anything properly. It wasn't like I forced him to marry her! And- and why didn't Saad tell her everything if he even told her about the kidnapping part? I-

I know maybe she didn't want to hear him, but I was so hurt… I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole afternoon. And you know, she even left our home without even listening to us. But she made me realise one thing. And it was that maybe he actually liked someone else or maybe his parents had already chosen someone else for him but I forced him to marry her? Or maybe he had other goals to accomplish before taking up someone's responsibility but I just… forced him to take it up without even considering his opinion or asking him about his plan.

Was morning's question not enough that this also had to come?

But anyways, I couldn't stop thinking about everything the whole day. And so, I came to a conclusion. I was going to turn back to how I used to be; cold. And we are going to leave this house tonight, in a few hours. That way, Atifa wouldn't be leaving with Saad and staying with me, and if Saad had any other plans for his future, he could work on them. I'm sure that one day he will come back to take her. As much as I have known him, I'm sure that he won't just leave his responsibilities behind and actually work on achieving them.

I also know that it might hurt them, but at least they can work on themselves. And- and I can't let her go. I don't want to Dani. At least not now, not when I just lost you almost two years back. I'm not ready for another wound. I don't know if it will even be able to heal. I- I'm not ready Dani. I'm not… I'm not that strong… I'm not that brave…

You know, when I saw that smile on her face before I told her anything, it was so beautiful, so pure, so precious. I didn't feel like telling her anything. But my fear of losing her was far more stronger than any other emotion at that moment. And- and you know that broken look in her eyes when I told her to leave, I can't get that off my mind. I- I couldn't believe that I was the reason behind her pain. Behind her hurt. I just did something which I never wanted to do, which I was scared of doing.

But look what situations have turned me into? A dumb, stupid, scared and cold woman! Someone who can't even express her feelings without the fear of getting hurt or hurting someone in the future!

And I know it's wrong of me to just ask her to pack her bags and leave with me, especially when she has a husband now, without whose permission she can't go anywhere, I'm aware. But I- I'm scared. I'm scared that if she asks him or tells him, he will stop her… And… and I don't want that. I don't want to leave her so soon so I'm just going to be reckless and leave this city.

I miss you… Once again I'm wishing for you to be here.

Your truly,
Safiya.

Tears streamed down my face as I continued to read her journal, forgetting about everything else around me for a while. I never knew ammi could have been in such a dilemma herself. Or in such pain herself. I never even thought that maybe she could be hurt or scared too. I always just thought about myself and Amira, didn't I?

Taking a deep shaky breath, I wiped my snot with my fingers before continuing, not being able to look at the long dried tear stains on her journal.

29th March, 2015

My dearest Daniyal,

Shak to mujhe uss din hi ho gaya tha jab hum uss aurat se mile the raaste me, jab hum walking karne gaye the pehli baar iss area me. Lekin mai bohot shiddat se ye chah rahi thi ke mai galat niklu, kyuke maine na hi unke bete ya beti ko dekha tha aur na hi unki bahu ko. Lekin aaj meri wo galatfehmi bhi dur ho gayi.

(I had a doubt the day we met that woman on the way while walking on the first day in this area. But I was desperately hoping for it to turn out to be wrong, because neither had I seen her son or daughter, not her daughter-in-law. But that doubt of mine was cleared today.)

I don't know how he got to know about us living here or how he even found out our address, but I heard his scream and then spotted him in our daughter's room tonight. I'm using spotted and not saw here because that baby boy was hiding under the bed in hopes of not getting caught. I know right, he is crazy! I didn't know he had this side too! But it's kind of good, at least he will keep our princess entertained. xD

And yes, I'm talking about Saad Ibrahim.

The reason why I even moved us to literally another place was to escape from him and his family but look, where fate landed us! Chalo at least now I know that my choice wasn't wrong. I mean, at least he put enough effort to find us and meet her.

And you know those crazy people were screaming at night just because of a lizard which was near the window and not even near them! Like seriously?! Ya Allah I can't believe it! At least they should think about the fact that I'm living there in the same house if they were meeting or planning to meet at this time! But no, they don't even care about that, they don't even want any privacy! Ufff what will I do with them?!

While I was shooing the lizard out, I even noticed his sneakers beside the table, which cleared my doubt about where he even came inside from! Careless kids! I wanted to point it out and question her but decided against it. I think I should just let them enjoy for a while and see when he plans on revealing himself to me. Let's see what he has in mind and how he plans on enjoying their days when I'm here and he is, as it seems like, hiding from me. What do you think?

Now that I think about it, my baby boy is scared of lizards. I should have scared him a bit with them when I kidnapped him, don't you think so too? It would have been so much fun! I can even imagine his reaction and I can't stop the grin forming on my face. Ah, I wish I knew about this weakness before! xD

Anyways, don't worry Daniyal, there is no chance of it being anyone else other than Saad, because I know our daughter, and I know she wouldn't have let anyone else just enter her room like that.

And I think we will have to move to some other place again. I have to start thinking about where from now only because we can't stay here for long. If we do, then there are more chances of me losing Atifa, and I can't let that happen. I think this time too I will have to break some hearts, unwillingly of course. I wouldn't have to do it if they didn't live here or something, but our fate has something else written in it I guess.

And you know, today was Sunday, so almost everyone has a holiday today, right?

But no, the place where I started working gave me a holiday on Tuesday so I had to go to work today. I got a job as a personal secretary to a Manager in a resort. I know it's a low post considering my qualifications and even the pay isn't that good, but it is temporary, just until I find another well paying job. Honestly, I didn't even need a job because I have saved up enough and even you have left us enough to last us the next few years comfortably. But the only reason why I even took up a job the first thing after shifting here was to keep myself occupied and not think about my reckless decisions and about you. You know how much I overthink, right? So yeah, that's the reason why I'm keeping myself busy. At least trying to.

Uh… I kind of have a bad feeling about my manager and some people in the resort. Like, they just give off that vibe which brings back bad memories? Yeah, so I- I don't know what to do, I'm thinking of resigning from that job, at least I will be away from those… people's evil intentions.

I'm sleepy and I have work tomorrow so I will have to end this here. Just pray that nothing bad happens and… and I don't hurt anyone too much, okay?

I love you Daniyal.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

Stunned, that's what I felt as I scanned the last page again, unable to believe that ammi knew everything all the while! And yet she never let me know anything. Truly, she is one of a kind.

1st April, 2015

Dear Daniyal,

I was so scared. I got so scared that maybe Atifa and Amira actually left me after getting fed up with my behavior. I- I almost got a panic attack!

When I returned back home after work today, I was already having a bad day, by the way, and I realised that no one was at home. Panicked, I searched up all of the rooms, kitchen and everything in hopes of trying to find them. But they weren't here, and I almost collapsed on the kitchen floor in fear, until I heard a click and some whispers at the front door, making me quickly wipe my face and compose myself. I- I couldn't go in front of anyone like that.

Taking a deep breath, I stood at the kitchen door, still trying to internally control my emotions. It was obviously our princesses, returning from I don't even know where! And when I asked her, she told me that they went to the beach for a walk. Atifa had a few paper bags in her hand, which clearly indicated that she brought some things too.

I had an idea about who might have taken them out, but what I didn't expect was that even Zara was involved with them. When she mentioned bhabi, I knew exactly who she was talking about. I mean, who else could it be except Zara? Who else could she call bhabi except Zara?

For a moment there, when I didn't find them at home, I thought that I lost them too. It was such an… inescapable, indescribable feeling. Such a helpless spot. I- I couldn't even comprehend anything or even think straight for that fact. I mean, who- who would want to lose both of their childs at the same day, at the same time and that too, unexpectedly?

Definitely no one.

And I even found a paper which had Saad's number written on it beside the stove. It was slightly wet, indicating to me that they were actually at the beach. Maybe he gave it to her. But it was a red sign for me. So unapologetically, I brought that paper with me and hid it in this journal.

Anyways, I- I'm just glad that they are back. And this incident just means that I will have to find a place for us to move sooner than I thought.

Yesterday I even spotted a bouquet of flowers in Atifa's room, which was kind of weird because I know that she definitely wouldn't have gone out just to buy them. But of course, how could I have forgotten that Saad might have brought it for her?

I wonder how many times they have met each other until now. I'm just curious, you know. I wish even you would have come to meet me secretly, it would have been so much fun and so many more memories. But our situation was different and I'm not complaining about it either. We had our own moments and memories which I hope I never forget.

But you know, our memories have started becoming hazy, and it's scary. I- I don't want to forget you or our memories. I'm holding on to each and every memory of ours together. Every day, when I wake up, I close my eyes and try to recall one of our memories and smile, trying to visualize how it would have been if you would have been here. And every night before going to sleep, I close my eyes once again and try to recall another one of our memories before smiling and trying to keep you alive in my dreams.

And I'm going to do that again now.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

3rd April, 2015

Dear Daniyal,

Yesterday was an… eventful day I guess. It was definitely unexpected, for me and for others too. I mean, I didn't originally plan on letting things get this… out of hand… but oh well, it just happened… And I couldn't back out when things were already going in the direction of where I wanted it to go.

I… I resigned from my job. The… inappropriate behavior of that manager and other workers was getting a bit too much for me.

Until a few days it was just inappropriate words thrown my way which I can handle well, no doubt about that. But yesterday… the manager tried to touch me. Oh well, he forgot who he was dealing with. I had warned him before but he didn't take any heed so I had to do what I did yesterday. That was finally trying my karate moves on him and making a fuss about it in front of everyone. I don't think he will be having that job for long, you know. But he should have thought about it before doing anything reckless, not my fault. And hopefully he will remember that lesson and never try anything on anyone else from now on.

Anyways, throwing the resignation letter on his face, like literally, I went back home early to relax and freshen up my mood, but what did I see there? The ladies of Saad's family and a few other women were chatting away among themselves. Now, I already knew that his mom and some other ladies were going to come home today, and because of the mess I had forgotten about it, but I didn't know that even Zara and Alayna were going to join them.

It's a good thing that I returned home early that day, because Zara was already planning on heading back home by that time. But of course, how could I have let that happen? Especially when I had just gotten a chance to get us out of that place because of some or the other reason.

Honestly, drama isn't my forte, and you know that. At least not when I'm not in the mood for it. And at that time, I wasn't in the mood for anything! I just wanted to collapse on my bed, let the things crash down on me and… and cry my heart out while remembering you… You don't know Dani, you don't know how much I missed you yesterday! How much I wanted you to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be alright. How much I wanted you to be there for me and if not anything else, just… lend me your shoulder to cry and let my emotions out.

But of course, not everything happens as we wish for them to. And even this wish of mine was left unfulfilled as I decided to create a drama and mess things up even more.

I- I kind of knew that Saad hadn't told his parents or anyone else about his nikkah yet and I… I took advantage of that fact and revealed everything to everyone in one of the ugliest ways possible. Believe me, I didn't want to do it, but my situation, my fears, my- my insecurity compelled me to take this step.

You know, looking at all those people together at our house, my breath hitched for a second when a thought struck my mind. 'What if they are all here to take Atifa away?' Even if this was just a thought, the one that might not even make any sense, it still struck me like a bolt, and I couldn't bring myself out of that… I don't even know which word to use, maybe out of that state of my mind?

I knew Saad wouldn't have told anyone anything because of the way they were talking and no one had confronted me yet. And honestly, I don't blame him. What could he even tell them when I just fled while taking his wife and Amira with me just two days after their nikkah? He didn't even know the reasons or anything else. So it obviously wasn't his fault, nor did he have much of any choice.

Honestly, I don't think anyone would have believed him even if he would have told them anything, they might have thought that he was just trying to prank them or something.

Or maybe they would have believed him if he might have his nikkah pictures and videos, and if Maaz and Zara would have taken his side or something. Actually, I don't even know why am I even thinking about all this when I have so much at my hands already?! God, I'm crazy!

Anyways, so after yesterday's drama, - which was crazy and I loved my sarcastic side so much for cooperating with me - for a moment there, I was scared, I doubted if I did too much and if Saad would even come after this to get Atifa back. But how could I have forgotten about his qualities because of which I chose him? How could I even think that when he hadn't given up on our princess yet that he would give up on her in the future?

I know I was being a bitch, but his words, his actions proved to me once again about how right I was to choose him for her.

You know when I asked them to have dinner at our house, those women were still here who were fueling oil to the already ignited fire. I mean, as long as I did it, it was right because I had a reason and I knew when to stop, I knew my limits and how much to push, but those women were starting to get on my nerves by not leaving us alone and letting this matter just stay in between our families. On top of that, they had the nerve to raise their fingers on our daughter and talk bad about her. As long as it was me who they were talking about, I could tolerate as much as I wanted, but this time it was our princess, Daniyal, and I couldn't tolerate them anymore. You should be thankful that I didn't do anything with them and just let them get away with their taunts.

Although I won't deny that they did try to tick me off when I was ushering them out. Ah, what did they say when I told them that it was nice meeting them all? Yeah, and I quote.

"I wish we could say the same thing but…"

"But it feels like I'm kicking you all out of my house, isn't it? But you know, I would rather not have those people in my home who would definitely bitch about my family or my daughter's in-laws behind our backs. I mean, aap logo ko itna masala to already mil hi chuka haina kichad uchalne. Ab mai isse zyada aur kuch nahi dena chahti. So honestly, I'm not at all guilty of kicking you guys out. Now since it's getting too late, I think you guys should head home, your families must be waiting for you, don't you think so too?" Interrupting them, I said while flashing an enigmatic smile.

(I mean, you guys already have enough information to point your fingers and talk behind our backs. Now I don't want to give you guys anything else.)

Ah, the satisfaction of watching their masks of empathy drop! You don't know how accomplished I felt!

But you know, when I saw everyone together, Saad's family and ours, I- I felt your absence the most. Especially when Saad's father stopped his mother from saying something and pulled her to sit down beside him. It reminded me of you. Of how you used to pull me to sit down whenever I used to annoy you or whenever I was angry. Of how you used to pull me closer to you to calm me down. Of how you used to hug me and murmur sweet nothings to change my mood and make me blush. Of how you used to flirt unapologetically as if it was the most logical thing to do whenever I was angry! Uff, I hate you so much for that! For not letting me stay angry at you for long! But I love you for that too. I just… Uff, you confuse me Mr. Daniyal Ahmed! You still confuse me so much!

I got carried away again, didn't I? God!

Anyways, it would have been a perfect family time if you would have been here. I missed you so much that after asking everyone to sit, I just… rushed into the kitchen while trying to hide my tears. I know I was acting weird, maybe some people would even call me bipolar, but no one knew what was going on through my mind or with me. And I didn't have it in me to just leave without at least making a few happy memories with them. I wanted us to leave on a good note. I'm not that heartless to just leave without any consideration or anything. Especially when our manners and the way we treat them was going to define us as a family. A family which included our values, mannerism and love.

Although it feels like the image of our family is already ruined, I still did that because we never know, maybe this small action of mine could change something?

When we were finally leaving, Saad promised us, especially Atifa, that he would come back to take her. And it was at that moment when I felt so proud of my choice. Although I did tell them that I don't believe in promises anymore, but you wouldn't believe how much I was trying to suppress my grin. And yes, I don't believe in promises anymore but I know that he will fulfill his promise one day. And although I took her with me, I know that it is just for a few years and soon he will be back. Our princesses can live with them then, I don't mind. I just don't want them to stay away from me as long as I'm alive. I wouldn't be able to handle the pain of separation once again.

Accha, you know, I knew that Atifa wouldn't disagree going with us because of the last promise she made to us together. And I know that is selfish of me and maybe I'm being inconsiderate or something, but I took advantage of that fact.

Now we are back in Suva and currently staying at Emaan's house. Tomorrow we will be leaving for Ba Town, three hours away from here if you remember. I will try to find a job there and we will be staying there then.

Since we went to Savusavu from Suva, there isn't much chance of anyone even trying to guess that we might just return back to where we first came from.

And I wanted us to shift back to our old house so much, but I can't take any risk. So, just in case if they ever try to come and check, it's better for us to stay away from here.

It's so hard Dani, it's so hard at times to act cold towards our princesses but I still force myself to do it, in hopes of getting used to it one day. But Dani, I have been doing this for the past year and yet I'm still not used to it. Do you think I will be able to hold this act together? I don't know…

Today, when we came here and I couldn't find Atifa and Amira anywhere, I lost my calm. I- I didn't know where they could have gone! Once again, I thought that they left me. That getting fed up with me, they just ran away when I got busy talking to bhabi. You know, all sorts of thoughts started jumbling up my mind. I wanted to pull out my hair and scream. Scream until I lose my voice. Cry until I lose my vision. And hurt myself until I breath my last breath.

Writing it seems a bit extreme, but that's exactly how I felt. I could still feel shivers run down my spine when I think about it.

I'm scared Dani, I'm so scared. I'm scared of what has gone by and of what is to come. I'm scared of history repeating itself. I'm scared that our princesses will have to face the same pain that we felt when you left. Maybe even more because this time none of us will be there with them.

Dani, I miss you. Can't you just come back and tell us that this all was just some ridiculous prank? I promise I won't get angry with you, I promise Dani. Please just come back. I miss you so much.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

._._._.

• Any questions which I should be answering before the book ends or after it?

And I'm sorry for being so late but I was slightly busy. Please forgive me. >.<

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