*Trigger warning ahead*
There are some disturbing/explicit scenes and vulgar language written ahead in the second entry which you can skip if you want. Hopefully you will still be able to understand the story.

Atifa's pov:

7th September, 2013

My dear Daniyal,

Oh just look at the irony! You were the one who gave me this journal but when you were here, I never got to use it. And when you aren't here anymore, I have to use it to let my thoughts out. I swear if you would have been here, that wouldn't have been the case, ever.

You were my human diary, the one who used to listen to whatever I had to say, no matter how ridiculous it might seem to others. The one who was always there for me and cared for me after my parents and brother. The one who had undoubtedly gifted me many precious gifts, but the most beautiful ones are our kids. I could never be able to repay you, your love was just so unconditional that you never even let me feel the absence of my parents after they abandoned me. Not that I didn't miss them at all, but you were always there to lift up my mood, to tell me that one day we will meet them and ask them to forgive us and accept us. But you know… you left me too… you left me even before we could meet my parents. And after you, I couldn't even find the courage in me to go and meet them. You were my pillar of strength and when you left, I crumbled down, so much that at one point I thought that I won't even be able to survive, to live my life.

But I'm trying, I swear I'm trying my best not to give up just yet. I have our kids to take care of, I'm aware of that, but at the moment, I just… couldn't bring myself to do anything, I can't even face them because I don't know how to face them! Life is cruel, it's just so cruel! It brings us to a point when we don't even know what to do or how to do anything anymore.

And although I just feel like giving up, I know I can't. And I won't. Because I can't let my kids feel what I felt my parents left me, I can't be like them. And our princesses are so small, how would they even face the world if I leave them? What would they even do? This disgusting world wouldn't even let them live peacefully.

I wondered if ammi thought about the main question at all. If we would even want to live in this world without both of them? I knew, I knew that we wouldn't have survived even a day if ammi would have done something to herself.

Blinking my eyes to get rid of the tears brimming them, I looked back down at the journal in my hand.

So in conclusion, I was contemplating about my life, but realised I can't give up, at least not when our princesses need me the most. And I know that maybe they are the ones helping me now instead of the other way around, but I hope to change that soon. Hopefully.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

Turning the page, I read another one of her entries.

20th September, 2013

Daniyal…

Why… Why did you leave me? I want you to come back. Please I beg you, I beg you Dani, please come back. I- I can't live here anymore. I don't know how to live here anymore! You shouldn't have left, you shouldn't have gone anywhere! Maybe things would have been a bit different- No, things would definitely have been different if you would have been here.

What was my fault Dani? I did cover myself before going out, didn't I? And I went out to try to find a job, was my intention wrong? Then why… why did he do this to me?

I- I don't even know how to pen it here, let alone speak about it with anyone else. What should I do?

He... Dani, he tried to touch me... I- I was on my way back from the interview and it was already magrib. I was scared, but I had to get back to our home, Atifa and Amira were waiting for me. When I turned into one street, someone- someone covered my mouth and pulled me into an alley. I fought back, I swear I did. I tried to scream, I kicked him and scratched him, tried to punch him too, but it was of no use, he was a lot stronger than me. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do or what would happen then.

It was a dimly lit alley and I definitely didn't know who the guy was, his face was covered with a black cloth and he looked like an animal! A disgusting hungry wild animal whose leash was left loose. His dark orbs glinted with lust, so much that it made my stomach crunch and made me feel nauseous.

What was my fault Dani? I- I swear I was fully covered. I was wearing my abaya, hijab and niqab, then what was the lust for? What was the need to do this?! I wasn't attracting anyone!

His disgusting words, his voice, his actions, they are continuously playing in my mind. I- I can't think straight. I feel so disgusted. I feel used. I feel worthless. Even when I have showered and rubbed my skin, so much that it has turned red, I still can't get the feel of his hand creeping up my body and it's making me sick!

You know what he said? Because I can't forget any word uttered by that disgusting guy.

"Finally I will be able to ravish the most wanted woman, thanks to your dead husband because he won't be here to protect you anymore. So don't you agree we should make this fun?" Pushing me at the wall, he uttered, his gaze roaming on my body, and although he couldn't see anything, his orbs still glinted with mischief and… lust… It made me disgusted!

"L- leave me alone!" I spat with tears rolling down my face once he removed his hand from my mouth to push my niqab back. I turned my face away, wanting to hide from him.

"Why are you even resisting now? Your husband isn't here to keep an eye on you, so relax and let's enjoy our time together." Holding my jaw, he turned my face towards him and told me, a malicious smile on his face.

"I- I don't want to do anything with you! Leave me alone! Help!" Letting the files drop from my hand, I replied while trying to push his hand away from my face.

"Oh I see. Then who do you want? One of your dead husband's rich friends? And no one will be here to help you now so there is no point in screaming!" Tightening his hold on my face and pushing my head back, he asked me through a clenched jaw with a dark look in his eyes.

"I don't want anyone! Leave me alone or it won't be good for you! HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!" I replied, feeling helpless while trying to catch my breath as his grip continued to tighten. Even scratching his hand wasn't helping.

"Oh, don't resist. Your unwillingness is turning me on, and I don't want to rush this or fuck you just like this." His disgusting words are still ringing in my ears and I don't know how to block them out! With that he had pulled my hijab open and pulled at my abaya, resulting in the first few buttons opening and revealing my dress.

His hands groped around my hands and shoulder as he attacked my neck, one of his hands still gripping my face. As his hand went around my back, a cry of protest left my lips as tears streamed down my face.

I swear Daniyal, I swear, I hadn't felt that disgusted before. The marks of his assault could still be detected on my body Dani, and I- I can't do anything about it!

I'm just glad that at least he didn't succeed in his motives. At the last moment a boy came there to save me. He was young, maybe around twenty. With a rod in his hand, he had come to my rescue, taking advantage of the inattentive guy. He seemed scared but he was brave. For saving me, for hurting that guy, for saving us both and for dropping me at the hospital. I will forever be grateful to him for that day.

Beating the guy to unconsciousness, he had turned around, not even for once letting his gaze roam around me and giving me space to cover myself properly once again. His hands were shaking, I don't know if it was because he was scared or because he was angry, but he was kind, considerate even.

I remember their faces very well, both of them, my assaulter and my savior, and I ought to repay them back one day.

Was this fair Dani? Is this how this world is? Is this how they are going to treat me now? Just- just because you aren't here anymore, they- they think they can do anything? Why didn't you tell me the cruelties of this world before? Why was I kept in the dark? Why did you always protect me? You should have let me learn some things, see some things, even if they were going to taint my innocence or make me hate the world!

I- I can't- I don't know how to live anymore Daniyal. Was it not hard enough already that this had to happen too? I don't know what is going to happen now, I don't know what I will do, I just don't know anything anymore!

Without you, this world just managed to crush me underneath it.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

There were stains of dried tear drops on the pages, an indication that she was crying while writing this. And I was too. I didn't even know this happened with ammi while we remained unaware of it. It happened just four months after abbu's death. I think that was the first time when ammi left our house after abbu's death, and that too to look for a job to support us and keep herself occupied, and this happened?

I remember that when she returned back that day, she didn't leave the house again for the next few weeks, maybe even months. And the door and windows of our house always used to remain closed. Our groceries and necessities used to be brought to our house by mamu or Emaan and her brothers.

It was a difficult time, a very confusing one for me and Amira. We used to cuddle together and sleep at night, wondering if ammi would come to sleep with us tonight. Or if she would at least come to peck our foreheads and tell us goodnight.

But we never knew, we never even got the hint that something this tragic could have happened with her. We were clueless, we used to think that maybe she was still not over abbu's death and that's why she was not going out.

Wiping my tears away hastily, I took a deep breath, trying not to make any noise and catch Saad's attention. Turning to the next entry, I read further, not sure if I will even be able to handle whatever she had to go through.

5th October, 2013

Dearest Daniyal,

Things… just haven't been the same. And they won't ever be either... I- I hadn't even gotten over the last two incidents that this third news came along. It's definitely unexpected, I hadn't even thought about it.

In a way it's good news I guess, because I might be able to reunite with you soon, maybe sooner than I thought. But I'm worried about Atifa and Amira… How will I be able to leave them alone here? What- what am I supposed to tell them? And will they even be able to live here alone? With no one by their side and the never ending cruelties of this disgusting world?!

I- I can't do that either. I can't, no, I won't leave them alone here. It's- it's out of the question!

Ya Allah, what is happening Daniyal? Why- why are things getting messier? Why are we being tested like this?

I know, I know that Allah loves us and he gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors but I- I'm not strong… I'm not strong Dani, I'm not. I'm so weak that it seems like if I get one more blow, I'm going to crumble down to the ground and nothing could ever bring me back! I'm weak, I'm so weak.

You know the news about which I was talking here?

I just found out that I'm suffering from Alzheimer. Well, I would have gotten to know this sooner if I would have actually checked my reports from that day…

But since I just… didn't feel like doing anything, I didn't even check them. They had called me for the next appointment but I missed it. I'm thinking of rescheduling my appointment but I'm not sure. I- I'm kind of scared. I want to know how severe it is and how much time I might have left but at the same time I don't want to know anything.

It's scary, you know, when we know that our time of death is near and we can't even do anything about it. But it's also a reminder I guess. That death could knock on our doors anytime and we should always be ready for it.

I find it kind of funny that when it is already said by Allah Subhanahu Wa Taàla that death could knock on our doors at any time, we still don't take any heed of it until and unless someone tells us that we have a certain amount of time left in this world. Don't we all already have only a certain amount of time left in this world? Death is certain while life isn't, right? But yet we still dream of our life and future, which is uncertain, and forget about death as if we will never even die. We should be preparing for the hereafter, shouldn't we? Then what exactly are we doing right now?!

Even if I write anything here, it isn't going to help any of us unless and until we actually start practicing it. And even though I just wrote all that, I'm still uncertain about some things.

Like let me be honest, I still have to go find a job and I'm scared of going out. And- and that guy… he is still roaming around somewhere just because I didn't allow that boy to call the cops on him, afraid of getting involved in a police case. I didn't want my kids to go through anything like having to watch me go to the police station for investigation or the police coming to our home. Because let's be honest about this too, we are living alone here, a woman and her two kids, who don't have a man living with them, and not everyone is… nice? There are bad people in the police too, and what if they come here in the name of investigating the case and… do something? I'm not scared for myself as much as I'm for Atifa and Amira. I don't want them to see any of that.

Anyways, I- I'm ending this here because it's just getting long by my rants now and I don't want to bore you.

I miss you so much Dani. I miss you so much. I wish you were here.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

Running my hand through that page, I squeezed my eyes shut while trying to calm myself down as tears mercilessly rolled down my face. So she knew about her deteriorating health for so long but she never told us about it either? Why ammi, why?

27th October, 2013

Daniyal…

I- I don't even know what to say anymore or how to start anymore.

Are women just an object of pleasure or are they toys to be played with? Which one of these is true? Or should I say, which one of these have people started believing and then treating us according to it? And who even made these rules or put these ridiculous thoughts in people's minds? Are we not humans? Do we not have feelings or emotions?

You know, this Queen who you always protected and kept close to you, under your shield, who you loved, cared and showed affection to, she isn't used to the inhumane ways of this world. At least not after seeing your softness and gentleness, she can't even believe that this world still has these inhumane and disgusting people in it.

You were a King who kept me like a Queen and I just realised that not everyone is a King. Not everyone keeps their women like a Queen. Only a few lucky people have a person in their life who treats them like that. And I pray that every girl gets a guy who treats her like his Queen and who she treats like her King. Because getting a guy who appreciates you, loves you, cares for you, understands you and his deen, and is always there for you is so important. It's so hard to get a guy like that in today's world. So I pray that every girl gets a guy like that.

Also, I feel like I was the luckiest person in the world to have you by my side. And I don't know if I appreciated you enough or not while you were alive, but I surely know your worth now. But it's too late now, isn't it? I- I can't express myself to you again, right?

I'm so sorry if I ever hurted you Dani, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry if I ever made you mad or angry, I'm sorry if I didn't appreciate you enough. I'm sorry for not being there with you by your side, but that's how our fate was written I guess. So I can't really do anything about it but try to accept it, haina?

I'm trying you know, I'm trying to accept some facts but it's hard, harder than I thought. But I will get there hopefully, if this world doesn't crush me underneath it's weight first.

Today when I went to give an interview, I was once again harassed by some men. Thankfully it wasn't a sexual harassment and only verbal harassment. But it did trigger my memories and gave me a panic attack.

I couldn't breathe, and- and it was so hard to keep myself together, to calm myself down. It felt like I would just collapse or lose my mind. And- and you know, there was no one to help me out. No- no one was offered to help me or even just drop me at home. Not that I would have just accepted anyone's help, I have got trust issues since you left.

I had to sit down on some bench while hugging myself and it took me half an hour to just calm down. And- and you know, I'm proud of myself for being there for me. For being strong for myself. For- for not giving up yet and for calming myself down and coming back home.

But this incident also made me take another decision… A decision which you would have hated if you were here… But I realised that I needed to take it if I wanted to end these series of panic attacks and survive in this world. I need to build back my confidence and I know that this might be the wrong way or this might not only be the way out there but I'm going to choose this one.

I'm going to stop wearing my niqab, hijab and abaya, only and only because I can't take up any more verbal or sexual harassment. And maybe this is going to attract more males, but at least they will know that I'm in control of myself, that I'm not just another weak woman who is going to take their shit. I'm going to teach them how to treat women and how to respect them. In my own way. I know this isn't the real me, but this woman needs to come out of her shell, for herself and for our princesses.

I'm scared of this decision of mine too Dani, but I need to take it, I need to do this. I don't know if it is going to work or not, but I'm hoping that it will work. That it will bring back my confidence and our security. Only and only if Allah wills.

And now, I leave myself and our kids in His care. May Allah protect us all, most importantly our princesses.

Yours truly,
Safiya.

"Atifa? Why are you crying? What happened? Are- are you okay? Is your shoulder paining? Should we head back to the hospital now?" Saad's stunned voice broke my train of thoughts. Coming to stand beside me, he wiped my tears away, a worried look on his face.

"N- no. I- I'm fine. It's just that… I just realised some things…" Shaking my head, I mumbled while closing the journal.

"What is it?" Sitting beside me on the bed with a frown on his face, he inquired while taking the journal from my hand, concerned.

"You can read it yourself. I- I don't have it in me to tell you anything." Wiping away my remaining tears, I replied with a hiccup, finally looking up at him.

"Accha at least don't cry begum. These tears don't look good on you." With a soft look on his face, he replied gently while pulling my wheelchair closer to the bed.

(Okay)
(Wifey.)

"I can't help it!" I mumbled as another set of fresh tears made their way down my face.

"If you are going to cry like this then how will I even be able to read anything? I can't see you like this." Sighing, he replied while keeping the journal aside and wiping my tears gently, a worried look on his face.

"Okay, I- I'm sorry..." Wiping my tears away hastily, I replied with a sniff.

"Don't apologise, just calm down."

._._._.

• Were you expecting anything like this might have happened with ammi?

And I'm sorry for those explicit scenes and vulgar language but I guess it was necessary to get the story rolling. Or maybe the story would have rolled well without it too but I just went with the flow and wrote all that.

._._._.