"You done...I wouldn't mind you can keep it. Take your time"

Why on earth...

I lack of the knowledge of ways appearing infront of people. My isolated upbringing or recent transitional state of zoning out and zoning in-- I know nothing, anything can be the reason.

For last five minute I am trying to return her notebook . After struggles and loosing focus million times along side staring at nothingness for hours last night  , I made it at five O clock in the morning .

Maybe because of that holding it out for only five minutes making my wrist ache.

Why can't she accept bravely what's hers

"Miss Jeon what's wrong?" The anatomy Prof. Mr. Kim entered. I nodded as if trying to tell him nothing Sir .

Meanwhile that girl beside me already settled down on her sit before I realised that the professor already entered.

Annoying.

Why I am annoyed though....because she did not inform me knowing I could be in trouble.

That is the last thing maybe to expect from a nobody. So what if we sit together. I then noticed her hands trembling.

Snap! snap!

"Are trying to terrorise the student?"

My head immediately sprung to his direction. Ofcourse not. But only if I could voice it up.

I always lay low . Maintaining gpa[scores of exams conducted]  is one thing and being unable to push it to satisfactory one and being in Authority's eyes is another.

As I expected. Well, good thing is I got rid off her notes. This room is quite spacious. Mr. Kim holds some power which is known. But special Chamber.

"The principal is coming ..."

Principal...

Never heard a principal to arrive at common professor's room. Silly me. It's Principal's office what I realised after solid ten minutes of them telling something..

As always I turned deaf when he was saying.

He just left the room handing over to Mr. Kim.

What will happen if Mr. Kim asks something related to his lecture....

"Miss Jeon" while returning from  locking the door he took me off guard that I flinched.

He didn't sit opposite but took the chair opposite of mine. I would feel uncomfortable if he stays this close.

Maybe hearing my thought with the screeching noise of the chair he put it at respectful distance and sat staring at me.

"Nothing is on floor, look here .. up at my eyes.."

After a pregnant moment I managed to look at his face. He appears to be a warm person. Though the slight frown of displease and thin rim glass  pushing me to the edge already.

I feel helpless...under his eyes. I .. I miss.. Dad.

It's blurry...

"You resemble your mother , you know?" Suddenly it felt still.

Did he mention Mom?

"Listen child, I know everything might be difficult for you all these time."

Probably taking my whole attention on him he mentioned something which won't be able to avoid.

I staring right at him.

Only if it's not taken as disrespect.

"I have gone through your record, you are a bright one. But declination started couples of years back and it's going down horribly."

I know. I can't help. I feel sorry for everything. Ashamed at times. Thank god that none of my parents are  alive to see my destruction and down fall.

"But it's better be late than never. You can make it back again only until time tricks you."

I am clutching my hands hard and dying to low my head. I can't stand looking at him. So I am seeing the far flickering lights on a tall tower , they are wasting electricity.  In day time who can spot it..may be forget to turn it off.

"MISS JEON. Are you listening ..." He slammed his palms at my both side on the chair handles.

I nodded in approval.

"Where is your voice?"

I said nothing.

"I don't know and don't mind to know what was the circumstances for you to come through till this..."He pauses to breath for a mili second.

"You just can't let this golden opportunity go in vein . You know very well that out there many talented students who are much more useful than you dream to be one of you."

I am not special. My score was not that astonishing I know. Maybe here some source were applied.

"If you have made your mind that you gonne waste the year and fail your degree as a Doctor. Then ..."

Jeonggook might be wiring more than enough money so that I can study here.

"Then pack your bags and return to your home land. This is not the place for losts."

"Your silence never do justice. We observed you never pay attention to any lectures of our Professors. Is it kind of child's play for you being in a med-school and becoming Doctor?"

The inside of my mouth feeling weird. Something warm , mettalic.

"I am disheartened knowing from which family you belong to... specially your mother. She had similar fate like you but she did justice to whatever was given to her. "

My knuckles turning white...but I can't feel anything.

"Not I am expecting to take upto her...atleast when you are here, all alone. Away from everything make use of it. "

He stood up to leave.

"It's the only thing that can aid your brutal bruishes ...... until you make it out of here and since you have to make it... do it just and well....."

I no longer could hear anything but footsteps.

Nobody knows how long I stayed there numb. Someone handed me my back pack that's when I mindlessly made it out of the office.

Instead of going back to classes I started walking back to my place.

I don't know what happens but
I am crying since I returned.

After finding myself infront of the living room sofa I realised I fall asleep.

I stood up to go to my room.

In the bathroom I am seeing myself.
Eyes are swollen. Cheeks have stains of dry tears.

Did I cry...

I think I am getting my senses back now. Mr. Kim..The anatomy professor....My mom...he knows...I am..wasting an opportunity.....I am wronging my lineage.... property....money.

My head is heavy. I am feeling suffocated. I think taking of clothes will help.

This sweater is soft I have to tug it out over head. Yeah got it. Another inner. When did I wear it.

My memory is shitty

I push down the pant. The full length mirror reflecting how ugly , unlovable I am .

Rough skin. Bloated stomach , dry hair , drowsy eyes , pale face..

My legs give up so I sit down and saw myself.

With this self of yours you expect as Graceful as him to Love you,  treat you like a queen.

The corner of my lips twitches mocking me.

I shake my head. Then I remembered that girl from class appeared trembling mess.

Do I look creepy..yes I do.

Like this I am going nowhere. Excerpt my doom. Bottling up cannot be helpful.

First thing first. Let's wash up and fill out stomach.

I turn on the shower it spill some spine chilling sprinkles , but I have to take it. I would not flinch back.

Nor would I lay low. Hide myself . I have to face it, make it through . Standing still only makes harder and longer to get out of here.

Mr. Kim ... I Will become Me.