Once I met Viv, I had an entirely new perspective on life. She taught me so much in the short amount of time she was here with me. She taught me how to be strong, and to trust myself. She taught me to love myself, to go after what I want, and to act fast because life really isn't that long. It's because of her that I don't need to stay on the safe side all the time.

When I close my eyes, she is still there. At first, I almost wished I had never fallen in love with her because this pain is more than I can handle. However, if I had the opportunity to turn the clock back, with the knowledge of what I knew then and what I know now, would I do it all over again?

Wouldn't you?

Just simply knowing her is worth all this terrible heartache. Time just wasn't on our side. I know that I will never be able to shake away this pain but she will still inspire me and be a big influence with everything I do.

The moment I knew I loved her was that lovely afternoon of ice skating. She will never know. I played it cool because I was afraid to lose her. I knew I needed her, and I wanted to be with her until we were old and gray.

Sometimes I convince myself that Viv will walk right back into my life, apologize for being gone for so long, and stay with me for the rest of my days. She is supposed to be here. We were going to grow old and gray together. I was supposed to die when I'm 110 years old, warm in her arms. These nights without her have been long, and they will just keep getting longer. I almost feel like I'm waiting for her to come back, but deep down, I know she never will.

I could close my eyes and see the future that we deserved. I was going to wake you up to breakfast in bed, and bring you a coffee with a loving kiss. I was going to take our beautiful kids to school and wave them goodbye. They would look just like you. Although this is now a fantasy, I still thank my lucky stars for that night we met. That crazy, magical, amazing night.

I can still see you in all the familiar places that my heart is forever embraced by your memory. The small cafe on the other side of town, the park across the street, and under pink peonies. I find you in the morning sun, and I see you on every lovely summers day. You kiss me goodnight through sunsets, and when the night is new I look at the moon as all I see is you.

When I walk down the street, I see giant green trees and beautiful red roses that I watch bloom for both me and her. I have the blessing to appreciate the blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and experience how wonderful the world is. I just didn't see how amazing it is until I met her. She never took a single moment of her life for granted, because she never knew when her last moment was. That was something I will forever admire about her. She showed me how to love being alive.

My entire life, I had been so focused on my future that I never stopped to look around. Viv taught me how fast life moves, and I realized that I was starting to miss it. She always told me that she didn't want me to start dying before I started living, and I have carried that around with me. I think that's good advice for everyone. You only get one shot at life, use it well.

I know that she's safe in that place above the clouds. She's free now, and there's no need for her to come back down. But since I'm still on the ground, everyday just feels a little longer without her. Even a bright sunny day doesn't make the darkness disappear. I know in time, I'll be fine. But right now, it just hurts.

I was rummaging through my closet, and I reached up to grab an old box that had a pair of tennis shoes I needed. I heard something slump down, so I looked up and groped the shelf of my closet until I felt a book. Curious, I pulled it down and saw that it was a photo album.

I had never made or had a photo album here, so I was quite confused on how it ended up in my closet. I opened it up, and on the first page was a photograph of me and Viv.

Every page showed memorable times we had together. Photos our friends had taken of us, or ones that we took of each other during our relationship. I could see the way we looked at each other when the other wasn't looking. When she looked at me, it was like the rest of the world faded around us and nothing else mattered. I will always remember us in this way.

When I got to the last page, it wasn't a photo but it was a note, protectively sealed in the laminated sleeves of the scrapbook.

"My Tom,"

Just those two simple words made me completely melt for her all over again. I heard her voice in my head, but it's not the same as actually being with her. It doesn't stop the pain. My eyes began to sting and I sniffed as I continued to read her letter.

"If I don't get a chance to tell you, you made my life worth living. We both know my days are numbered, but you gave me forever in that short amount of time and I will forever be grateful for that. You were always by my side in this last home stretch. I'm sure it's been hard, but you can tell me all about it when I see you again. I know that I'll see you again. I know it. Just, let light and love guide your way, and hold onto every memory as you go. Every road you take, just know that I'll always be there to guide you home. And so, my journey is at its end, but yours continues. Thank you for the adventure, now go have a new one.

I love you
Viv"

I slowly closed the scrapbook and leaned back in my chair. It was like she gave me permission to keep going. I felt like this was the closure I needed. In that moment, I became determined to live my life for her.

I'll never truly move on from Viv. I'll always remember her fondly for how free and daring she was. I learned so much from her in the short amount of time I had the honor of knowing her. Her story will never die. My love for her lives inside my heart, and it always will.

I'll miss the way she dances in the rain until she's drenched to the bone. She was the life of the party. Her smile made it hard to be mad. She knew exactly where she belonged. There's a beauty in knowing your place in the world, in loving yourself and knowing your worth.

Vivien, I'll always remember you, with tears in my eyes.

______________________________

The Clarke's called me when they received her urn. They asked me where I thought she would want to be laid to rest, and I knew the perfect place.

I met them at her house. No one has lived in it since she passed, because I haven't had the heart to let it go yet. I am the only one with a key, and I really haven't been in there. It's too hard, but I am doing better.

I parked my car right behind them and I looked off to the porch, and saw the ghosts of us. I was holding her hand in mine, and giving her our first good night kiss. I blinked, and we were gone. That's when I noticed the porch light was off. It's been off since she died. This indicated that Viv wasn't home.

Her parents greeted me with hugs, and her mother kissed my cheek. I was appreciative of them, because the helped me realize that I wasn't going through this alone. This is something no parent should ever have to do, and I was so sad for them.

I smiled and said, "follow me. I know a place."

Out back, deep in the green garden where her beloved peonies grew. Under the umbrella of a tree, blocking the breeze. She was so near and dear to me, I knew exactly where she would want to be at any given moment. We decided to place her here, where she can live on, surrounded by the calm pink seas, underneath the peonies. She was an Angel sent to earth, and I will love her forever, and ever more.

Viv never got to go to Vienna. However, I will go soon and do and experience everything she wanted to do, because I know that she will be with me wherever I go.

After we buried her ashes, her parents said one last tearful goodbye. Joan turned to me and said, "we will give you a moment. Thank you for taking care of our girl."

She kissed my cheek and Martin shook my hand. I watched them walk back to their car together before I turned to the peonies. I closed my eyes, and opened them to an image of Viv waiting for me to join her.

Her bouncing hair rested against the green grass, and her angelic white dress draped around her like water. The way she smiled at me made my heart skip a beat. The sun made her striking eyes twinkle, and she extended her hand out to me, inviting me to join her.

My cheeks lifted in an instinctive smile. I took her hand and laid down by her side, and our heads were inches apart. Here, we can gaze into the stars, where we can sit together, now and forever. The part of me that's her will never die. It is as plain as anyone can see, we are simply meant to be and we will stay forever this way.

Underneath the peonies.