Lukas

Head hurting, I throw myself to the other side of my bed. Again. It's approximately 1 am and guess who can't sleep. Me. Of course. Why is it that your brain always dredges up terrible thoughts when you just want rest? It's stupid. Yet, here I am regretting every choice I've made, flashing back to all the insults and jabs people have said right to my face, all the insults I've told myself staring into a mirror, all the wasted time I've spent trying to figure out why I should stay on this earth and what my purpose is (as far as I'm concerned, I shouldn't exist – I have no purpose). Can you see why I can't sleep? It's starting to get very unbearable and I feel like absolute shit. Usually, this goes in a very clear pattern. The thoughts happen, they get to me (as always), and I take it out on myself (if you know what I mean). I start to surrender to the thoughts (like the pathetic person I am) and get up. As soon as I do, I notice my phone. My phone. Mathias. This is the situation he was talking about, right? I don't want to bother him though. Should I message him? It's 1 am! I can't wake him! Not to burden him with my pathetic problems.

As if he could sense my dilemma, a call appeared on the screen. Mathias is calling me in the middle of the night. What the fuck. I accept and put it to my ear. "Ah, you are up! Oh, wait – I could have just woken you! Shit. I'm so sorry if I woke you!" He starts rambling apologies. "Nah, I never even went to sleep. What's up? I hardly expected you to call me in the middle of the night." Well, he called me, helping solve one of my problems so thanks Mathias. Now I don't have to. "Woah, woah, hold up! You haven't slept yet?! I knew something was up! That's why I called you, my gut told me something was wrong. Sorry if that sounds weird." He's whispering, I never realised Mathias was capable of being quiet. That sounds harsh but I don't think he's aware at the volume he talks at sometimes. "Not weird. Yeah, um, pumpkin." Feeling strange, the word that we picked out rolls off my tongue. I quickly add, "But it's nothing! Seriously, Mathias, I'm fine."

I hear a sharp exhale on the other side of the line, "Lukas. You have not slept at all and you just used the word we picked out to tell me something's up. Please don't downplay your emotions just because you're worried about bothering me. I know you; you're worried about being a burden. You aren't. Please let me help." His voice is grave, without it's usual bounciness to it. He saw right under my mask and called me out on my bullshit. Damn, he's good at reading people even when he can't see them. "Ok..." I sigh, "You're right. I'm not good. I feel like complete and utter shit, ok?" Rustles come up to my ear from the other side and then footsteps. Mathias is silent for a minute and then I hear, "I'm making my way over there. I'm going to stay on the line the entire time, ok?"

"Why are you coming here? I don't quite understand, Mathias." I whisper, trying to remind myself that I don't want to wake Arthur who's sleeping in his room right now. "I want to be with you in person. It's easier for me to give support that way. Is that alright?" I smile slightly. Happiness bubbles up in me like it always does when Mathias asks if an action he's about to do is alright with me. Like when he asked if I was ok with him hugging me after my panic attack a month ago. It's a small act but I notice it. Most people wouldn't ask, they would just hug you. That's all well and fine but if you're like me and hate people suddenly invading your personal space to touch you then it's horrible. "That's perfectly fine. Come right over."

Roughly twenty minutes later, he's outside Arthur's house in a crimson car. Rushing downstairs quietly, I pull on a coat and shoes, then I head outside. A sight lays in front of me that I wasn't expecting. Mathias' hair is not defying the laws of gravity, and is more dropped down over his face, coming to an end just above his eyes. He's huddled in a black winter coat (April in Norway can still be freezing) with this floppy hairstyle and he's cute. He's so cute. His eyebrows are furrowed slightly and his mouth twitches into a tiny grin. "Your hair- it's down," is all I manage. I don't know how he plans to help me but this whole hair thing is quite distracting. "Oh... yeah..." he seems sheepish and adverts his gaze, "I gel it every morning. This is how I really look." I walk closer so I can take a better look. And then I see them. Tiny freckles scattered all over his cheeks. He has freckles. It just makes him look even cuter. "And you have freckles. They're really adorable," I exhale, my breath making tiny steam clouds. "You think so? I, um, get really self-conscious about my appearance so I gel my hair and use concealer to hide the freckles." So even Mathias, a god of confidence in my opinion, is hiding under a mask.

"Shall we get in my car?" He promptly changes the subject. I guess everyone has that topic they would rather prefer not to discuss. "Sure. Let's not get a chill. It'll be much warmer in there." If he doesn't want to talk about it then I won't force him. So, we stroll over to the car and like a 'perfect gentleman' he opens the passenger seat door for me. I roll my eyes slightly at the gesture but don't complain. 30 seconds later, we are seated in the vehicle, heat blasting in our faces. "How about we go somewhere? I know the perfect place," he glances at me. "I'd love to. It would be distracting for the both of us." A ghost of a smile appears on his face, slowly flickering upwards onto his cheeks. He turns the key in the ignition and starts the vehicle. Hoping we don't wake anyone; I stare out of the window at the houses on the street. No one seems to stir in the deadless night. Thank God. "Where are we going exactly?" I ask whilst the car picks up pace and continues rolling forwards. "My favourite place in the world. You'll be the first person I've taken there." Is all he replies. Damn. Ok.

40 something minutes later, the car comes to a stop. All the way here we discussed random topics, anything to prolong the time when we'd have to bring up our deepest feelings and the things that bother us. But we're here now, and the topics are going to force themselves to crawl out of the woodwork. The dreaded time. Mathias take my hand in his, leading me through a bouquet of bushes and trees, woven together to hide whatever he wants to show me. After becoming accustomed to the car's heat, goosebumps make their way back onto my arms, reminding me that I'm only in a coat over my pyjamas. God, it's freezing. "We're almost there- prepare to be amazed," Mathias looks back at me, his freckles twitch whenever he smiles. My cheeks twitch in response, a small smile in return. Then we break through into a glade.

To put it simply, steam rises up from what appears to be a hot spring (a blessed find in this temperature), rocks and flowers in the midst of blooming surround its edges. It's overwhelmingly beautiful. I really hope this is the place he's talking about because I would love a dip in that hot spring. When I hear, "This is it. Welcome to my favourite place, Lukas," I breathe a sigh of relief. He laughs at my reaction. It's good to hear him laugh again, so good. "Please say we can get in the hot spring. I'm begging you, Mathias." He keeps laughing at this and nods. And I know what you're going to say at this part, 'Lukas, you just said that both of you were going to be getting in the hot spring. You should have realised what was about to happen.' Look, it didn't occur to me. So, when Mathias removed his pyjama top, yes, I was very surprised. My attention was again drawn to all of his adorable freckles, splattered all over his shoulders and parts of his chest. He begins to remove his trousers and that's when I glance away. When I hear a splash in the water, I glance back. He grins at me as if to say, 'join me!'. This is all making my brain explode. Thank you Mathias, for causing me to have a gay crisis.

However, I know he wouldn't judge me and that thought comforts me, so I do the same, slowly removing my coat, top and trousers. What's the point of having a hot spring if you can't dip your entire body in there? As soon as I get in, I hear a small "yesss" of victory. And what can I say about the hot spring? It's so warm and relaxing. I can see why he loves it here. Unfortunately, I can feel the dreaded talk approaching which is affirmed when Mathias sighs and says, "So... why couldn't you sleep?"

"The usual. You know, bad thoughts and all. They were starting to win when you called so you stopped me doing something I'd regret. Um, I guess I should say thanks for that?" I can feel him looking at the scars on my arms and the large one on my chest, his lips pursed but saying nothing about them at the same time. "Something you'd regret... how extreme would that something be on a scale of one to ten?" Oh, crap. He's wondering if I meant suicide. Oh God not that extreme. "About a solid look at what's on my arms. Not as bad as my chest." I reply in a way that hints at what was going to happen, but I don't outright say it. "Oh, you had me seriously worried there. Not that I'm not concerned anymore but yeah..." He's chewing on his lip, a nervous tic I've noticed before. "No. Not that bad." I reassure, "Just some extra scars for my arms." He's making his way towards me, wading through the toasty water. Mathias appears right next to me, his arms stretching out. It seems he wants to give me a hug. I accept and lean into his arms. He always has given the best hugs. "If you're wondering how to help me in this situation, just distract me. Being with you is helping to stop thinking about it." Yeah, my thoughts seem to be all aimed towards how cute you actually look. My queerness seems to be overtaking my views on how pathetic I am, the views that constantly occupy my brain.

"So... you're insecure about your appearance?" I guess everyone hides aspects of themselves. I hide how much comments hurt me, Arthur hides how much he cares for Alfred, and Mathias hides how he really looks. Everyone hides underneath a mask of some sort. "Yeah. The only people who have seen me like this after I started hiding my freckles and gelling my hair are Tino, Berwald and now you." His expression has twisted into a grimace. "Why do you hide it? Sorry if that's put too bluntly," I question, my hand placed on the top of his arm, tracing the tiny ginger dots. "Why does anyone hide any part of their appearance? Bullying." Oh crap. I guess Mathias and I aren't so different in some sense. At least I can empathise with him. I completely understand. It makes anger boil up in my stomach though, like hot lava. People think they can fuck up anyone, even a perfectly nice guy like Mathias. It disgusts me. "I hate people. They did this to both of us. They made you hate how you look, and they made me hate myself. I understand everything you've been through." His eyes meet mine. I hadn't elaborated what had caused me to be the way I am but now he knows. "I think you look really nice with your hair down and freckles. You look cute." His eyes widen in surprise and the corners of his mouth twitch.

"Of course, I can't dictate how you perceive yourself. Many people believe they can and that's the problem. Then, when the nice comments actually come, they can't undo the damage the dictators have already caused. A chasm has already been constructed from unkind words. It's a shame in this world the mean comments always outweigh the good." I can't change the way Mathias sees himself, just like he can't change the way that I see myself. But we can help each other through this. We can try make the smallest changes. "Thanks, Lukas. In a weird way, that comforted me. We can hate society together." I turn to look at him, "That we can." It's only us right now, separate from the rest of the world. That's why he loves this place. And that's why I now love it too.

"You don't have to stay awake all night just for me you know. Sleep is important, Mathias." He breathes a short burst of air out of his nose, "Hypocrite. If you can't sleep then I don't sleep. It's sleepless solidarity, Lukas. Besides, any good friend would go to arm's length for you." His arms tighten slightly around me, and I sink even more into the embrace. We stay in the hot spring for a couple more hours until we both have to go back to our respective homes. He tells me that the lack of sleep was totally worth it. And this is coming from the guy who falls asleep in multiple lessons the next day and gets told off from all his teachers. When he makes it to the end of the day, all he does is give me a glance and says, "Worth it."

*************
I'm so happy that this chapter is done. Not that it was a pain to write, but the next chapter is one that I've been planning for over a year and it's when a lot of action happens. Exciting!

Have some doodles from this chapter. We stan floppy haired freckled Denmark in this house.

I hope you enjoyed and I'll see you in the next one!
Bye!
~Peanutsfan1