Hey everyone! Yes, the rumours are true, I have been dead this whole time. Currently writing this from the grave. Joker says hey.

Also:

Hot dayum.

No, in all seriousness, I'm sorry for not being active like... at all. It's been since, what, January now? And I missed the anniversary for Apples, too... what can I say, my life's been rather... eventful lately. I really want to say sorry, but I have to admit- dealing with depression, meds, school, school, SCHOOL, and upcoming exams, Wattpad has kinda been the furthest thing from my mind. In these last few weeks my mind has not been in the best of shape- I've certainly began to feel better- but the last month or so has been awful, really, just terrible. Nothing to worry about really, it's just school and the stress of grades and uni (or not wanting to go, being scared to go, wanting to focus on my mental health) that's been dragging me down.

Which is why this update is IMPORTANT, because it's going to affect this story.

So, like all things that eventually die, certainly most things that die on Wattpad, they're stuck on life support under the flimsy declaration of a 'HIATUS'. Yes, that word, yeesh, even I hate it. Like remember how every emo band we liked in 2012 said they were going on a hiatus and the only group that actually adhered to the promise to come back was Fall Out Boy? Yeah, like that.

sksksk enough of the jokes!! I have exams for the next two months or so, so yeah, just so you can actually know what's happening, Apples is going on a hiatus. I hate leaving you all in the dark- it's mean, and lazy, and I've never particularly liked it when fanfics I fall in love with suddenly die with a million loose ends still woven all around the place. It's annoying, irritating, and insulting after you've invested yourself in a series of characters, plots and relationships. I GET IT. But I've always promised, Apples is not going ANYWHERE. I've said this a million times- I have a story to tell and no matter what, even if it takes me a decade to do, I'm reaching the end of it. I'm just as invested in this story as some of you (hopefully) are- and I already know what happens!

It's just like, yeah, depression has really bummed me out, I'm never motivated, and school never gives me time. But I'm starting to find hope again, and trust me, not a day goes by where I don't think about this story.

So just to make it very clear- Apples is staying. It's just going on hiatus until hopefully the end of June, start of July. I know that's a while but like, whatever, it's still my story, so even if nobody is left to read it, I'll be breaking my bones on my keyboard trying to spit it all out :')

Another thing with Apples is that like... reading back at the last 10 chapters... they could be better. And I've been mulling it over in my head for a while what I should do about it. (if you followed my twitter, @ thekillingj0k3, you'd have seen my rant about it lmao.) There's just a list of things I have been increasingly... unhappy with. And since you are my readers, I'd like to share it with you and discuss this- I see Apples as a project as well as a story, because I really do just sit there researching the hell out of stuff for this story. Seriously, if you could see how many notes and papers I have lying around my room, planning and re-planning and re-planning again. Maybe I'm blowing this sense of community out of proportion but like, I feel like we're both kinda watching the story unfold here. And sometimes, I haven't been so happy with the way it has- just every now and then. So, like... yeah, feel free to comment anything here, whether it's feedback, support, criticism, whatever. Honesty, really- especially since you have the angle that you don't know how the story is gonna go like I do. Unbiased opinion, I guess? I find it good to be critical of my own work- I think if you're too confident you can't really get better at it, because then you can't see where you can be better. So tell me what you think!!

1. Chapter 1. Yeah! I don't hate it, but God it just stretches on. June's intro was lazy, the intro of her powers was lazy, and I'm unhappy with how...ugh the Joker's intro was. I worried so much about making his intro this kinda iconic and theatrical thing that in the end it felt artificial. Imagine the subtlety of his intro in the robbery scene in TDK. You never even knew he was there, but his character coloured the entire operation. He just felt so fake in my intro, from my point of view. It's like I was writing the Joker through the lens of... someone adamant on making the Joker look good, if you get me. Also I found myself too focused on throwing in so many details, that I failed to look at the bigger picture. Chapter 1 should've focused on June, Joker, and partially Dr. Arkham. And the asylum itself. The asylum becomes a character- not to spoil anything- and portraying its atmosphere is one of the things I want to do successfully in context of the story. I introduced like six people in that chapter!! Like who!! Cares!! Again, not really a spoiler, but I give attention to Cash and that old lady at the desk (so unimportant that I forgot her name) when they literally will never exist outside the asylum (Just Kenny is more of a running gag than a player character but like even I have a soft spot for the guy). But yeah, chapter 1 is MESSY. Like an overflowing trash can that you keep like pushing trash down into saying "yea yea listen it'll totally fit" and like sweetie no, no, just. Just leave it just. Put it down. Just clean it up.

2. Colter. Colter's a dick! That's kinda his role, he's just a dick. There's more for him in the future, trust me, but I think he's a little cliché. Recently I watched (and fell in love with) The Shape of Water, and there was this character, Strickland, who is basically just the grotesque embodiment of toxic, hateful masculinity. And I was like yes! There! That's what I want Colter to be like! Only, like, you know, dumb, and nobody gets him the way you understand Strickland or the Joker. Colter's dickness is very on the nose and I don't like it. I planned for there to be an in-depth look at the history between him and June, so his dickness made sense, but I really don't think it's that important to discuss. I want to write him more subtly- realistic, much like how harrassment towards women is now, it can sometimes be very covert to the point where the victim hardly realises it- and less "oh yeah i'm stalking june to her apartment and she's not written strong enough for her to do anything about it". Like really? Just call the cops, June, Jesus. The hell was I thinking?

3. Mara. She becomes sort of important. Y'all can agree, she's not a very distinctly built character, and she should be. Not to the extent of Dr. Arkham- who we will see more of, unfortunately- but she's a distinct player in this.

4. Dr. Arkham. Is racism really the only fucking trope I could go with? There are other ways to be a villain. I really really REALLY hate how simply I boiled down his hatred towards June. I guess, in ways, it is realistic- but like, I'm white writing a black character. I want and need to do better.

5. Dusting hints of future plot lines that I eventually scrapped, therefore they serve no purpose. That's what I get for publishing a story before I've even thought of an ending!! They're still there, by the way. But they mean nothing now, some of the hints I've coyly dropped all over the place. I can't go in depth without spoiling the plot, but like I know that the story I have planned out NOW is the CLOSEST to the definitive result I want to have finished.

6. A lot of the first 10 chapters are pretty much there to establish and develop June and Joker's relationship, but I could've done more with that time. Like elaborate upon those characters I spoke about above. Who cares about banter over a dinner table taking up an ENTIRE chapter? Or June being all "</3 uwu" over him watching TV? Yeah, this is a Joker fanfic, we're all here to watch the OC get her pussaaay honked by the hot clown, like that's the endgame we're all waiting for, but like gee, I fell in love with this story more than I anticipated I would. I have the whole of Arkham Asylum in my hands and I'm doing nothing with it other than slowburning Joker's boner!! I'm not saying I want this to be the next Shakespearean play or anything but like I want this to be AS GOOD as I can make it. Because I know I can do better! I've always said that I'd never publish anything I'm not happy with, but with Apples I half-assed it and kinda just *went with it* like I did for AoS. I love both stories but... I guess you can't get things perfect on the first try. I have so much- SO MUCH- in store for the Joker and building upon this idea of his amnesia, and June's involvement in his life, that these first ten chapters just feel like foreplay. I could set things up that have consequences later instead of springing up some threat out of nowhere to create 'tension'. Idk am I being harsh on myself? Is this masochism?

7. I WANT TO SCREAM THIS INTO THE VOID UNTIL THE SUN DISINTEGRATES AND FALLS TO THE EARTH. The kiss. In chapter nine. Can actually. Choke. Can go die!! Can actually just fuck off. Like someone contact me when I edited that chapter and send me hate mail. Like in the movies where a time traveller has to go back in order to stop this one action that alters the course of the future forever, but like someone has to go back and tell my dumb ass NOT TO MAKE THEM KISS IN CHAPTER NINE. I discussed this on twitter, but I never planned the kiss. I mean, of course, I planned them to Get It eveeeentuallyyyyy, but no WAY did I plan it to be that soon. In fact, I planned it to be... much later like way later like I know When but y'all don't because Spoilers but trust me it was never meant to happen in a single digit numbered chapter. We about that relationship development! We about that character development! Someone roast my ass for this, please. Basically what happened was: I struggled so much with that chapter that I rewrote and rewrote that shit time and time and time again. I wrote it so many times to the point that I cried. I just couldn't get it to fit! After all, that's what happens when you jump into a plotless story ass first and try and make something out of nothing. So I decided to just make them have this conversation about Joker's philosophy on freaks and June's denial on being one. Or whatever. And things got heated and HOW MANY times have I hinted at a *future kiss* in past chapters? Too many. It's gross. Like I always got comments saying "omg u better not cockbl- DAMMIT". Not your fault, guys, believe me. I was just always so tempted. I love that June is so touchy-feely. It's kinda in her nature, she's neglected, and the Joker's this curiosity she'd only ever read about in the papers. She's afraid of him, but like totally wants to bone him, dude. It hasn't been that covert but in one chapter or something the narration alludes to the fact that she probably masturbates thinking about him. Because why not? Sexuality is a funny little thing sometimes, and I've always just liked this idea of June being so privately enamoured with him that she just can't help herself. So like the seed has always been planted, this whole sexual tension thing or whatever. But chapter nine was NOT a deserved reward. For June, for Joker, for me, for YOU. They've only ever really had conflict, never heart-to-hearts. It's difficult to write a romance between the Joker, but I don't want to do what I did to him in AoS- make him this sex driven character who builds his relationship upon Stella's cunt. Sure, the one-sidedness is realistic, but Stella was DEVOTED to him, and for what? Stell, was that dick really worth almost dying for? C'mon. Joker and June- no spoilers- do have SOMETHING going for them. And it doesn't focus on sex AT ALL. Not saying there isn't gonna be any smut- hoo boy there will be- but that's not what their relationship is built on. Joker has a METAHUMAN right in his crosshairs, and June has the most interesting and engaging case on her hands- the heartless criminal with no memories. The way they play off each other's motives and characteristics, I want it to be such a beautifully complex thing. Yes, them kissing in chapter nine IS that big of a deal. A lot of Joker fics fall into the trap of Joker being driven to pretty much sexually harass the poor OC into submission- and so did AoS. Each to their own, like, June and Joker's relationship certainly won't be a healthy one (I obviously don't support abusive relationships having been in one but the dynamics presented in such a relationship is more interesting than if the Joker actually wined and dined some damsel or whatever)- but I want it to be an engaging one. Everyone telling Stella to pick up and leave the Joker- I get it now. She should've left the second he got on that bus in chapter 1. But like, June and Joker are respectively, both protagonists. Joker's an awful guy but he really isn't the villain in this story. Like it isn't a successful romance if you're itching for them to break up and leave each other. Anyway back to the point, Joker shoulda kept his dick in his pants because having them kiss in chapter nine is the worst mistake of this story.

SO. If you've made it this far, well done, and thank you, because I have been wanting to get this out of my hair for the LONGEST time and who better to tell than the people actually engaged in the story? Again, PLEASE, PLEASE leave feedback if you can. If you agree, disagree, whatever. Hit me with all you've got, because I'm looking for a way I can kinda... well, fix this story.

My plan is this: when hiatus is over, I basically rewrite the first ten chapters. I know that's awful, and unfair, because that means potentially useless chapters get scrapped, when maybe you loved them. If that's the case, I'll keep the first drafts of these chapters and publish them on a separate story, kinda like the old skeleton of what Apples once was, for you to go and read them whenever you'd like. I'm totally cool with that. But like I literally cannot continue telling the story I want to tell with this messy clump at the beginning of it. For the love of God, chapter nine or whatever kiss happens in it is going in the TRASH. Yeah, it was written rather nicely- that's the thing about revamping these chapters, a lot of quotes or pieces of prose that served no purpose but to eat up the word count are gonna have to go. It breaks my heart too, because like, I quite like the style I write some things in, and like, you just wanna keep it. I get it... but to me, in MY opinion, this entire story I want to write, I think doing the whole story justice is more important than a nice *aesthetic* fake deep quote. Beauty in nice flowery prose is temporary, but excellence in plot lines, character arcs, details- that's what makes a story.

Also, my very last complaint- or critique- the title. Apples. Now, this really isn't much of a spoiler anymore, since I discussed this point earlier, but apples held a more symbolic meaning back when I first conjured up this story. It's why chapter 3 was important THEN but isn't NOW. It used to be that Joker and June's relationship kinda had this thing going with apples. Now, I haven't watched this movie, but doesn't Call Me By Your Name have like a thing with peaches? Is that their thing? Correct me if I'm wrong. But anyway, you could say that apples were Junie and J's thing. Joker would constantly offer her an apple, usually after certain points/landmarks in their relationship.

Chapter 3, she says no, because the rules said so. Later, she'd say no, because her morals said so. Again, she'd hesitate, but still reject. Rejects again, but then secretly eats it when he's not watching. Takes it, and hesitantly consumes it. Until at some point he's feeding her the damn thing slice by slice and neither of them think twice about it. It's cliché- it's the theme of temptation and Joker's increasing involvement in her life. But religious themes and symbolism are so overdone that in fact, temptation is hardly a theme in Apples anymore, certainly not prominent enough to name the thing after it. Its working title used to be 'The Amnesiac' but, well, that was a little on the nose, and gave the whole twist away. The title for Ace of Spades came to me in chapter 18, when he calls her, "my little ace of spades". It was nice, I guess. At least it made sense. How Stell was 'one of a kind' or whatever. At least her pussy apparently was. Anyway, the same goes for Apples. I think I need a hiatus, toy around with it for a little, come up with something better. I tried to publish this story that was hardly even an outline, just ideas strung together at random. It feels like. Like. Like Suicide Squad- shit just happens! And in removing the shitty parts, idk it could be something more.

This might sound pretentious but please don't mistake my passion for big-headedness. I just, really, really, really love this story, and to just let it kinda linger around in the state it is now, finishing it just for the sake of getting it out of the way, idk it just doesn't feel right. You could just say like, it's just a fanfic, it's not that deep. But I care about it. I care about Joker, about June, about characters you haven't even SEEN yet. I don't want to see this story lost to laziness and anxiety and the doubt that "oh well, people are just here for the dick". Because this is still MY story, too. I never wrote to please ANYONE. The kiss in chapter nine is a monument to wanting to please people, and it is the biggest mistake I have made in writing this story.

Whatever, that was dramatic, huh! Just tell me what you think. I'd really appreciate it. And hey, if your thoughts are too *much* to be publicly yelled out into the comment section, dm me on here or on twitter (again, thekillingj0k3). Your time and investment in this dumb story is MUCH appreciated. And I seriously, seriously, deeply thank you for your time and patience. I love you!!

-tkj