Song for chapter thirty nine: Out of My Hands by SHY Martin

|Aden|

I stormed off to the end of the hallway, leaving Skyler on her own near the bathroom as I walked. I could just about hear the blood rushing through my veins. I exited the school through the back doors, finally inhaling a deep breath as I leaned against the wall, not realizing until then how much my jaw ached from being clenched for so long.

My thoughts were temporarily interrupted by the voices of a few students who were smoking and doing something that definitely wasn't allowed on school property.

My chest grew heavy as my mind replayed the conversation we had in the hallway. A stab of guilt coursed through me as I remembered how I had raised my voice at Skyler, and how I'd stormed out. I wanted run back there and tell her that I didn't mean to get so angry and apologize and that we could talk through it, but then my feet would stay rooted where they were when I recalled the reason why Skyler was so uncomfortable. She didn't trust me around McKenna.

What was the point of a relationship without trust? There wasn't one.

I didn't want to lose her but if there wasn't trust in a relationship, what other way was there? I just didn't understand it. I hadn't ever looked at another girl since I met Skyler, she'd had me falling over my feet for her since day one — since the subway.

McKenna was my friend, even though I had gone a good two years without talking to her. She had told me a fair share of her secrets, including the fact that her family had been involved in some shady business years ago. Inside trading, exploiting their workers, you name it.

We'd hooked up three years ago though McKenna and I agreed afterwards that we would remain friends. I felt nothing for her.

My phone rang loudly in my pocket, piercing through the air. That earned me a glare from the students near me as they smoked their joint. I dug out my phone, ready to decline the call from Skyler, knowing that I wouldn't be able to talk with her in a civil manner when I was this infuriated. I stopped short when I realized it was from a number I couldn't recognize.

"Who is this?" I asked as I brought my phone up to my ear.

"Aden."

I pushed myself off the wall, puzzled when I heard a familiar voice from the other line. A voice that I hadn't heard in years, and had longed to hear until I realized that I never would again.

My mom.

"What do you want?" I hissed.

"I need to speak with you, please just for a few minutes," she sounded desperate.

"Yeah, well that's long overdue," I shot back, hanging up the phone.

I sighed, my eyes scanning over the bright blue sky, lined with clouds that created images I couldn't decipher. My brain betrayed me as it replayed Skyler's words in my mind from Saturday. Its better to regret going than to regret not going. I let out another heavy sigh, earning another glare from the smokers next to me. As much as I was still angry at Skyler, she was right.

Reluctantly, I dialled the number back.

I stood in front of the door to the nearest coffee shop from the school fifteen minutes later. The bell to end lunch had already gone minutes ago, and I couldn't deny that going to gym class seemed more appealing.

Sighing, I pushed open the door and scanned the shop. Almost right away, my eyes landed on my mom, sitting near the back corner of the shop. My eyebrows furrowed when I realized how odd it was that my mom was actually in front of me.

She looked the same as she had the last time I saw her years ago, with her dark hair that I had inherited. She sported new wrinkles that had appeared on her face and her eyes were brighter than they had been when she was with my father. She was clad in an indigo cardigan with a pearl necklace around her neck. Next to her on the table was a Louis Vuitton bag. My nostrils flared as I took in her rich attire.

The heartwarming scent of gingerbread wafted up my nose as I walked, the Christmas lights hung around the shop windows, along with a Christmas tree by the door. I would've enjoyed being here if it weren't for the circumstances.

She stood up from the table when she saw me making my way towards her and I tried not to feel uncomfortable when her eyes scanned me from top to bottom.

"You've grown so much," her eyes looked glassy as I sat down in front of her.

"Mmm, which you would've seen if you didn't leave me," I pointed out with an eyebrow raised. She frowned, her gaze diverting to the table rather than at me. "What do you want?"

"I... I just wanted to reconnect," she said softly.

"That is something you should've done years ago," I couldn't help but laugh bitterly. "You haven't spoken a word to me for ten years and you have a new family."

She held a pained expression on her face, "I know, and I'm sorry about that. I really am. You know how hard it was for me when your dad--"

"You don't think it was hard for me?" I raised my voice slightly, piercing through the quiet café. A few customers around me shot me irritated looks, but I couldn't care less. "You just left me, you left all your responsibilities... for this." My jaw clenched as I pointed at her handbag and she avoided my eyes again.

"I know Aden, and there's nothing I can say to make it up to you or for you to forgive me," she sighed after a moment of thick silence between us. "I've missed you every single day since I left. I just couldn't bring myself to come back... because... because I was embarrassed for the way I acted."

Her eyebrows were creased together as she watched me with hopeful eyes, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

I trained my hard gaze on the table between us. My shoulders ached from how tense they were and I reminded myself to relax them. She'd avoided coming back all these years because of embarrassment. Embarrassment?

"Let me show you how I can make it up to you," she said when I finally looked up at her again.

"How?" I snapped, an raised a skeptical eyebrow at her.

She smiled, thankful that I hadn't turned it down right away. Don't get too happy yet, woman.

"I live in Los Angeles with your new sister, and my husband," she started. "I want you to come, maybe for college and you can live with us." She couldn't bite back her optimistic tone.

I blinked at her, not able to articulate any thoughts or words.

How many times in my life had I hoped and wished my mom would come back for me and take me away? Way too many to count. But now that she was in front of me, I realized that it was all just a fantasy.

I had my life in New York even with all the ups and downs and I wasn't about to give it all up. Perhaps I could truly forgive her, and let go of the past. But I loved what I had here in New York too much to leave behind for her.

Even with all of dad's issues, he still managed to do what he needed to do as a father -- most of the time. He had been sober for years now, and he'd attempted to change his habits many times, even if they were unsuccessful. But, at least he tried.

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks," I finally found my voice again. My mom's hopeful expression morphed into an incredulous one. "I am not going to move in with your family mom, and even if I was going to Los Angeles it would be on my own accord. If that's all, I have to get back to school."

My mom gave me a sad smile her eyes glossing over again. "I understand," she sighed, standing up from her seat. "You have my number if you ever need me. Aden, I know you don't believe me, but I really am sorry for leaving all those years ago. I just want you to be happy. If you've found your happiness here then that's all I want for you."

"I am happy here," my lips twitched up as I stood up from my seat, pushing myself up with a hand on my knee. I spun around, taking a few steps towards the door before I felt compelled to stop again. I took another one-eighty turn, to see her wounded expression grow into a hopeful one.

There wasn't anything she could do to make up for all those years that she'd been gone. But I was lucky that I had a mom, and that she was here. Many people would kill to be in my shoes. She was back — years later — but still here.

Suddenly, it felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off my chest from this encounter and I looked at the woman I once called my mother.

I sighed, pursing my lips, "I understand."

________________________

The bell sounded throughout the school for lunch the next day and the halls began to fill up as the students scurried to the cafeteria.

All night and all morning I was on edge. I had my phone with me at all times, a large part of me hoping that Skyler would text or call me. But then a moment later, it would hit me all over why we weren't talking and I could feel my blood boil within me again.

I'd drafted too many apology texts and messages telling her that we needed to talk and that I was still in love with her but my brain would never let me hit send. Every bone in my body wanted to be with her and to talk to her, but my stubborn brain refused to let me. Ever since I first saw her in the subway I couldn't stop thinking about her, and today was no exception.

It had been a while since I went a day without talking to her, and it felt wrong. But she didn't trust me, as simple as that. Perhaps I would talk to her soon, but for now, I wasn't sure I could hold a civil conversation without lashing out. It hurt that she thought so little of me and I just needed time away from her for now.

I met Skyler's eyes as she stepped out of the chemistry room, but she wasn't alone. Austin was with her. I felt my jaw clenched subconsciously as I glared at them. So she wouldn't talk to me but she would talk to him? She turned her head my way, a flash of hurt crossing her eyes when she saw my hard stare.

The rim of her eyes were red and they were puffier than usual. I felt a stab of guilt and my heart pinched when it hit me that I was the reason she looked that way. But I didn't get why she was the one who looked that way even though she blatantly told me she didn't trust me.

It took too much of me not to run up to her and yank her away from Austin, maybe deck him in the face again for speaking to her. But once again, my brain reminded me of why I was angry at her in the first place.

"Aden, hey!" I tore my eyes away from Skyler to McKenna, who had suddenly appeared next to me. "I haven't see you around much. How've you been? How's Skyler?" McKenna's voice turned slightly bitter as she said Skyler's name, her award winning smile dissipated for a split second.

What the heck?

"She's fine, I'm fine," I answered her as she ran her fingertips up and down my arm. I wanted to pull away but decided against it, not wanting to be rude. "What's up?"

McKenna laughed, the corners of her eyes crinkling, "Oh well since I'm back now, we should hang out again, you know, reconnect."

Reconnect. She sounded like my mom.

"Oh, yeah that sounds nice," I nodded. McKenna was still a great friend, despite having lost touch with her for a couple of years.

"How about today after school?" McKenna suggested. I nodded again in agreement. "Great, I'll text you the time and place," she said a little to ecstatically before wandering off, disappearing behind the crowds of students rushing to the cafeteria. I glanced back in the direction of my chemistry classroom, feeling my stomach drop out of disappointment when I realized that Skyler was gone.

I made my own way to the cafeteria eyeing a couple that leaned against the locker, sucking each other's faces off. I entered the lunch room, surprised to see just Ryan and Josie sitting at the table. Where was Skyler? I took my seat next to Ryan just as they both stopped talking.

I glanced between Josie and Ryan. "Don't stop talking because of me, I'll just be here."

Josie stared at me, face void of emotion before rolling her eyes and turning back to her food. Woah, chilly much?

Ryan wasn't any different though. Except his expression was laced with guilt, and a bit of aggravation.

"Okay, why are you both looking at me like that?" I asked. It was unlike Ryan to stop eating, and it was also unlike Josie to not be her usual bubbly self.

"You're a fucking asshole that's why," Josie pointed out in a flat tone, her mouth pressed into an equally flat line.

"What?" I gave her an incredulous expression, my eyebrows shooting up as I looked at Ryan, who cringed at her words. "Don't tell me you're on Josie's side too."

Ryan put down his sandwich. "Okay, I would have put it in a more delicate way," he shot Josie a look that she chortled to. "And I usually don't take sides..." I raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed, "but yeah I guess so."

I opened my mouth to defend myself when Ryan cut me off again.

"Look, usually when it comes to school you're always right like ninety nine percent of the time but this... I know where you're coming from with this and all that. I see why you think that way, but dude you completely just ignored everything Skyler was trying to tell you and jumped straight to another conclusion," he said and Josie nodded vigorously.

"I did not," I defended myself pathetically, but the gears in began turning. Did I?

"Uh yeah you fucking did," Josie piped up. "She was telling you about McKenna."

"Yeah I know that, and Skyler was worried about her because she doesn't trust that I can keep it in my pants," I spat out as I recalled our fight. Ryan slapped me from the back of my head with his palm. "What the fuck was that for?" I growled, glowering at him.

"Aden, wake up this isn't even about if she trusts you or not because I'm sure she does," Ryan said, rolling his eyes. "McKenna wants to be with you, she wants to break you guys up cause she is still in love with you."

I scoffed, "McKenna doesn't like me anymore."

Josie choked on her food, laughing until she met my solemn eyes, "Holy shit, you're serious? McKenna literally loves you. It's so obvious." I looked at Ryan and he sighed, nodding. "When Skyler was in the bathroom, McKenna told her she would make sure you guys break up."

"She's always been in love with you, even I could tell," Ryan backed Josie up.

My brain suddenly recalled all the times McKenna touched my arm or my hand. Or how she laughed for no reason and always touched her hair around me. All at once, it all came crashing down. She was flirting with me, in front of everyone.

"Skyler didn't tell me that," I said pathetically, frowning.

"Well, did you give her a chance to?" Josie looked at me expectantly and I swallowed hard, already knowing the answer to that. And then, the guilt I'd been feeling for shouting at Skyler multiplied, crashing over me like an avalanche. I ran my hands over my face, groaning.

I was such a dick.

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Hey all, this was a really big chapter for Aden, hope you all could see that! I also love how all of you guys turned on him so quick from last chapter haha.

Anyways please vote, comment and share if you liked it! Only a couple chapters left!

~SweetnessInTheSalt