Chapter 34: ugly thoughts

TW: panic attacks and mention of self harm.

COOLER

It's 3 AM.

Tahimik ang buong paligid. I stopped the car in front of my girlfriend's apartment, ngunit hindi pa man ako nakababa ay bigla akong natigilan.

Oh no, not now.

Please.

I tried to shake off the wave of panic creeping up from my chest, bringing discomfort throughout my body. Naramdaman ko ang panginginig ng mga kamay ko, causing my key fob to fall onto the car's floor. I tried to pick it up, but the uneasiness in every nerve of my body made it harder to move.

"Motherfu—" I gripped my chest tightly before mustering all the strength I had left. Binuksan ko ang pinto ng sasakyan at bumaba. My head was pounding, my chest was tightening, and my throat was dry.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ko pa nagawang makapasok sa gate, hanggang sa pinto, and until I found myself inside her room.

Rustia was lying on her side, sleeping soundly. Great. At least she won't see me in my miserable state. I walked towards the bathroom, shutting the door as slowly as I could. Ilang beses ko nang hinampas ang dibdib ko, looking for something to distract me from the wave of emotions flooding in, but to no avail.

I gripped the bathroom sink tightly, hanggang sa mapatingin ako sa salamin. My eyes were red, my veins were popping, at ramdam ko ang panunubig ng mata ko. Shit, why do I have to have this here? What if Rustia walks through the door and sees me like this? I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, but it didn't help. The air was suffocating, kaya tinanggal ko ang ilang butones ng damit, but it didn't make me feel any better.

I tried to suck in air, but every time I did, mas lalo lamang sumisikip ang dibdib ko. I tried turning on the faucet to splash water all over my face, ngunit hindi pa rin iyon nakatulong. Now, I wanted nothing more than to drown myself in the pooling water by the sink.

My vision was blurry as I slowly looked up. Napatingin ako sa repleksiyon ko sa salamin and saw the pathetic me that I hate so much. Kahit basa ang mukha ko, ramdam ko pa rin ang pawis na nag-uunahan sa pag-agos.

"Stu...pid..." I whispered to myself as I felt my stomach churn. I hate moments like this. These are the moments I want to die, the moments I wish I wasn't born as Cooler Vander—or that I wasn't born at all.

My throat was dry, my mind was in chaos, and everything around me was suffocating. I gripped the edges of the sink tightly, and the sound of running water made me want to slam my head into something hard.

My eyes met the mirror once again.

"Fuc..king useless..." Sinubukan kong ipikit ang mga mata, pero mas lalo lamang naging klaro sa isipan ko ang mga bagay. I am Cooler, the mediocre son.

What did I bring to the family?

Shame.

What did I do to be worthy of the name Vander?

Nothing.

From the mirror, I could see everyone in the family cheering for me.

Go, Cooler! You can do it. Give us nothing.

"Shut up..." I mumbled under my breath. Tila napakahaba ng mga segundong lumilipas. Their disappointed voices were filling my ears, even in the one I couldn't hear from at the moment. I slammed my fist on the sink as hard as I could, ngunit mas malakas pa rin ang mga boses nila sa tainga ko.

When I looked back at the mirror, they were gone. I thought my chest relaxed, but then the next thing I heard were gunshots. The wailing. The sound of bones breaking. The police sirens.

Akala ko ay sanay na ako sa ganitong buhay, but even now, I'm still haunted by every gory moment I witnessed and did. Napakagulo ng mundo ko. It's total chaos, at minsan ay hiniling ko na sana ay maging maayos na lamang ang lahat.

There was a good reason why I love magic. In magic, I can create an illusion where I can escape from reality. Why can't life be like magic where everything is happy?

Ramdam ko ang malakas na kabog ng dibdib ko. It felt like it was coming out of my ribcage, and everything around me was in a warp. I hate to see the person I see in the mirror. He's so full of flaws. He's useless. Stupid.

Sana wala na lamang siya.

Sana hindi na lamang siya nabuhay.

Kill yourself.

Ah, death. How I wish it would come to me.

Death. How I wish it would kiss me.

Death. Please, come this way.

Death...

How many times did I try to kill myself? How many times did I drown myself? But does the mediocre me deserve a death so peaceful?

I don't deserve it.

Sinampal ko ang sarili para kumalma, but it felt like there was a storm inside me, trapping me, with no way out.

I threw my head back and slammed my fist into the mirror with all my strength. I heard a scream as the mirror shattered, tiny splintering pieces falling everywhere. Nang alisin ko ang kamao ko, I looked at myself in the crooked remaining mirror, giving me an ugly reflection.

The voices in my head drowned out, but one sobbing remained. I took a step back at napatingin sa maliliit na piraso ng salamin na nagkalat.

Something was dripping.

Pero hindi iyon mahalaga. My mind and body were numb, but at least the voices were gone.

There was a tiny sob, but all I could see was the disappointing me from the broken mirror. Something hurts...

Napatingin ako sa kamao ko.

So this is what hurts...

This is what's dripping.

"Cooler!" More sobbing.

Napakurap ako bago dahan-dahang napatingin sa pinto.

Rustia stood there, like an angel.

God, why is she so pretty?

Her eyes were crying... was she crying? Her hair, hanging loose on her shoulders, looked so perfect. Why is she so perfect?

She ran towards me at niyakap ako nang mahigpit. She sobbed on my chest, ngunit pinilit niyang magpakatatag at hinawakan ang mukha ko.

"Everything will be okay," she whispered. "Nandito na ako."

Napangiti ako. Damn, that felt so good to hear. Mabibigat ang hingang binitiwan ko, ngunit ramdam ko na unti-unting bumabalik sa normal ang paghinga ko.

Pero sa kaloob-looban ko ay natatakot ako. She found me out. She witnessed me this miserable. Paano kung magbago nang nararamdaman niya sa akin?

Then what's left of me?

Marahan na kinuha niya ang duguang kamay ko, examining it closely with so much tenderness in her eyes.

"A... anong ginawa mo?" She asked. I noticed she was shaking as she fumbled with the medicine kit somewhere in the bathroom. She pulled me with her hanggang sa pinaupo niya ako sa kama.

She was gentle as she helped me with my wound. Meanwhile, I felt myself slowly relax from what happened. After the panic attacks, I felt so tired and wanted to do nothing.

Rustia was silent, probably trying her best not to trigger anything. She was being careful but mindful of my state. Tumayo siya at sinalinan ako ng tubig. With shaking hands, I accepted it as I struggled to drink without spilling.

Nang maubos ko iyon ay agad niyang inilayo sa akin ang baso, in an attempt to separate me from things that break and can cause thousands of shards. Hindi ko siya matingnan sa mata, because I was afraid I would see the same disappointment I found in others while looking at me. I'm afraid I'll see the truth I'm not ready to face yet.

"Cooler...?"

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin.

"Cooler?"

I replied with a hum, ngunit agad na hinawakan niya ang pisngi ko at hinarap ako sa kanya. Where is it, where's the disappointment?

She snapped in front of me, and one second later, there was a rose in front of me. Napangiti ako at sinubukang tanggapin iyon, ngunit bigla na lamang nag-apoy ang bulaklak, and then the next second, it flew off as a white bird.

"That's like the oldest trick I learned," komento ko.

She smiled and nodded. "Ako rin... pero..." pinisil niya ang palad ko. "It still amazes me."

Ngumiti ako at mas niyakap pa siya, only to realize that my hands were cuffed. I raised my hands, only to see her smiling at me like a naughty kid getting caught.

"You do realize I can easily get out of this, don't you?" tanong ko sa kanya, remembering the first time we met.

She shrugged, and when I got out of the handcuff, I found my left arm cuffed with her right one. I looked at her with a pout kaya hindi niya napigilan ang matawa.

This woman... Little did she know, these simple things make me so happy. Kahit panandalian lamang, these things make me forget about the cruelties of life.

I pulled her closer to make her sit on my lap at hindi ako nag-abalang tanggalin ang posas namin.

"Don't leave me," I whispered, my desperate attempt.

Itinaas niya ang nakaposas naming mga kamay at ngumiti. "Well, considering we're handcuffed together, hindi talaga kita maiiwan."

I kissed her shoulder at iniyakap ang mga braso sa kanya. "I'm sorry you've witnessed me like that."

She sat there for a moment. "You didn't tell me you have panic attacks."

My breaths are now starting to get back to normal. "I didn't want you to find out."

Puno ng pag-aalala ang kanyang mukha kaya sinubukan kong pagaanin ang sitwasyon.

"It doesn't always happen," mahinang bulong ko. "But when it does, I feel so miserable."

She listened to me. I know she was trying to, in a way that she's not being too pushy and all that. Hinintay kong itanong niya kung ano ang dahilan, or what triggers it, or how often it does, but no, she didn't.

"Aren't you going to ask me about it?" tanong ko sa kanya.

She shook her head. "No, ibig sabihin ay maaalala mo lamang iyon, and what I want to do right now is to keep you out of your ugly thoughts. Masakit ba ang kamay mo?"

Umiling ako. "I can't feel it." Isiniksik ko ang sarili sa kanya. "You know you're gonna find so many ugly things about me."

She's in for so many surprises, at natatakot akong iwanan niya kapag malaman niya ang lahat. What if she finds out I am a total failure? What if she finds out about everything I do? But it's not like she has no idea about it.

"And when you discover these ugly things, I fear you would leave me," mahinang usal ko.

She tried to dodge it by pulling another magic trick. Sa isang iglap ay may hawak siyang mga baraha. "Pick a card, at huwag mong kalimutan."

Tahimik na sumunod ako sa sinabi niya at pumili ng baraha. I picked the queen of hearts and told her I'm done picking. She tossed it in the air, and when it fell, it was all a bunch of rose petals.

"Iyon ba ang baraha mo?" Nakangising tanong niya habang nakatingala. Sinundan ko ng tingin ang kanyang mga mata, looking up at the ceiling where the queen of hearts was stuck.

Ngumiti ako. "You're the best."

***

I woke up and found Rustia curled up beside me. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she pulled the sheets, stretching a bit. Dahan-dahan akong gumalaw, afraid of waking her up. She stayed up with me hanggang sa tuluyan akong kumalma. She tried to keep me sane with her amazing magic tricks.

My phone vibrated on the side so I reached for it, checking the time before answering the call.

"Zeus."

It's six in the morning, so Mnemosyne calling this early means it's something urgent and important.

"I hope I didn't wake you up," mahinahong sabi niya sa kabilang linya. She sounded calm and collected, so it must not be that urgent, but still important.

"Gising na ako. Anong problema?"

She sighed. "Uhm, Achilles is throwing a party for you."

"What?!" Sinulyapan ko si Rustia, mukha namang hindi siya nagising dahil napalakas ang boses ko. "What the hell?"

"Well, you bring huge dirty money, convert it to good money, and now everybody, including Achilles, is very happy. Not to mention that connection with someone from Sierra Leone."

I threw my head back on the pillow. She just made money laundering sound not so bad. Of course, Achilles is very happy. Iyon lang naman talaga ang mahalaga sa kanya. Money, power, connection—I could continue naming more, but it all comes down to money.

"But why a party?" I asked, feeling distressed.

"Uhm. Nakalimutan mo na?"

Napakunot ang noo ko. I forgot what?

"It's your birthday."

Oh.

It is my birthday. I'm so fixated on the business that I forgot about the date. Not that my birthday is anything special. Kung ako ang masusunod, I prefer my birthdays to just be for myself. Iyong tipong walang tatawag sa akin tungkol sa trabaho, no pressures, nothing. I can get up from bed anytime and do stuff I like to do.

But no, my past birthdays were... full of pressures.

Masquerade balls.

Deals.

Business.

It's making my stomach churn once again.

"Happy 28th birthday, Cooler!" Masiglang bati ni Mnemosyne at tumawa. "It's like you're 30."

I made a face. Sa dami ng responsibilidad na nasa balikat ko ngayon, it felt like I'm 40. "Thank you, Stef."

"So, are you bringing your girlfriend?" tanong niya.

"I don't think it's safe. It's like me bringing a little mouse to a lion's den." That's the sad truth. People will look down on her just like what happened when we once had dinner with the family. If my life would have been simpler, I would have parade her all over the world. Mas makakaya ko pang ako ang maliitin nila, but not my girlfriend.

"Good point," sagot ni Mnemosyne. "But rest assured we will be there, ensuring her safety."

"Thank you." That was very comforting.

I heard her sigh. "But that's not entirely the reason why I called you this early."

My chest tightened nang mahimigan ang kaseryosohan sa kanyang boses. I don't feel so good about this.

"The invitations your birthday masquerade ball has been handed out, and guess who RSVP'ed without getting an invitation..."

I don't feel so good about this. "Sino?"

"Hechanova and his brother Brusca."

What?

#

ShinichiLaaaabs