Chapter 27: come home

COOLER

I gasped for air, feeling lightheaded. Ramdam ko ang malamig na pawis sa katawan, but my mind wandered to one thing. I have to get back to Rustia. I will surely feel better in her arms. My mind was empty this whole time. Basing on the sterile smell filling my senses, I figured out I was in some hospital or something.

There was still a dull ache throbbing in my head, and a constant ringing in my ear. Kung gaano na kami katagal doon, I had no idea. I reached for my ringing ear, ngunit hindi ko makapa ang tainga.

"Don't try to remove the bandage, Cooler," wika ni Poseidon. I turned to him, blinking. Bandage?

Hindi na ako nakapagtanong kung ano ang ibig niyang sabihin dahil pumasok ang lalaking nakasuot ng puti na may hawak na clipboard. Nagpalit-lipat ang tingin niya sa amin ni Poseidon bago nagsalita.

"I reviewed your scans and the results of your examination," he paused na tila ba pinapakiramdaman kami. "You've sustained a temporal bone fracture on the right side of your skull."

I frowned, his words were not fully sinking in. Binuksan ng doktor ang monitor sa harap, revealing an image of a skull na base sa stamp sa baba ay may pangalan ko. He started pointing to the parts of the skull, saying something my mind refused to take in.

"This part here houses the structures na kailangan so one can hear and balance. What caused the fracture here has caused significant trauma to your inner ear, kaya sa ngayon ay temporaryong hindi makakarinig ang kanang tainga mo," sabi ng doktor kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.

"Are you saying I'll be deaf?" Hindi makapaniwalang tanong ko.

Huminga nang malalim ang doktor. "Your right ear is temporarily deaf, but..." Sinubukan niyang magtunog positibo. "...but you're likely to get your hearing back."

I found myself springing to my feet and grabbing the doctor by the collar. "Likely?"

Mababakas ang takot sa mukha ng doktor, but Poseidon, who was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, stepped forward and tapped my shoulder.

Kalmadong-kalmado si Poseidon, just like right now. Actually, I haven't seen him freak out. Kahit galit siya ay kaya pa rin niyang i-compose ang kanyang sarili.

"Relax, Cooler, and let him explain."

I faced him and saw the conviction in his eyes. I calmed myself before slowly letting go.

Napaatras ang doktor at inayos ang nagusot na suot. He hesitated to speak. "T-temporal bone fracture occurred after a severe blunt trauma to the head, in your case, it's n-near the ear structure. W-with proper treatment and rest, your hearing should gradually return over the next few weeks... to months. However, you must avoid any further head injuries during this time."

Poseidon exhaled with lingering concern. "Anong mga treatment ang kailangan niya?"

"Sisimulan natin sa mga medications para mabawasan ang pamamaga, and also to prevent infection," paliwanag ng doktor. "Kailangan mo rin ng regular follow-up checkups to monitor your progress. We will also see if there aren't any complications such as facial paralysis. In case you notice disturbances in balance, we can also have some physical therapy that can help."

I nodded slowly, trying to process the information. "And the ringing in my ear?"

"It should lessen as the fracture heals. It may take some time, but it will improve," sagot ng doktor bago inexcuse ang sarili at lumabas ng silid.

My mind was empty. I should be happy there is still a possibility that I will get my hearing back. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit nalulungkot ako sa isiping hindi na makakarinig ang kanang tainga ko. It's not like I totally lost all my hearing. Ano lang ba iyon kumpara sa disability ng iba? This is nothing.

My thoughts were interrupted when Poseidon placed a hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. It was his attempt at trying to comfort me but I shook it off.

"Huwag mo akong kaawaan, Poseidon. I'm okay. It's not like I'm disabled. May iba pang mas malala ang dinanas sa akin-"

He aggressively grabbed my collar, like how I grabbed the doctor a while ago. "Kailan mo ba uunahing iisipin ang sarili bago ang iba?"

I knew how he felt right now. He was worried about me. Binitiwan niya ako at napaatras. He palmed his hair and his face in frustration.

"What matters right now is you. Wala akong pakialam kung mas malala ang dinanas ng iba, kung malayo ang sa'yo sa bituka, or it's not dangerous like other people's experiences. Wala akong pakialam. You're all that matters now," he breathed out in frustration.

My heart warmed. I felt like he genuinely cared for me. Sa pagkakataong ito ay lumapit ako sa kanya at tinapik ang kanyang balikat, trying to comfort him. "I will be okay, Red."

Nag-angat siya ng tingin at saglit akong tinitigan. He forced a smile before slowly nodding his head. Biglang tumunog ang cellphone niya. He reluctantly reached it from his pocket and showed me the contact who called.

Jaja Rustia.

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. I did not just ditch our supposed date just to end up in the hospital. Iniisip ko pa lamang ang pag-aalala niya ay naninikip na ang dibdib ko. I've been out for hours, at tiyak kong hinihintay na niya ako ngayon.

I sighed before reaching for his phone and answering the call. Hindi pa man ako nakakapagsalita ay sunod-sunod na ang pag-aalala ni Rustia.

"Red, sorry to bother you at this hour, pero by any chance magkasama ba kayo ni Cooler? I can't reach his phone right now at anong oras na pero hindi pa siya nakakabalik-"

Pinilit kong ngumiti, just to make my voice sound cheerful. "Hey, babe."

"Cooler?" Puno ng pag-aalala ng boses niya, and I would be lying if I said it didn't provide me comfort.

"The one and only," sagot ko.

Her tone was soft and worried. "It's two AM, are you still working?"

Hindi agad ako nakasagot. Should I lie? I mean, I haven't told her the truth and she's this worried. I think I am the world's worst boyfriend for always lying to her.

"Y-yeah," pagsisinungaling ko. I know I made a bad decision for lying again, but I cannot come to her in a bandage and miserable.

I figured out she caught me lying dahil sa mahinang hagulhol niya. "Come home, Cooler. P-please?"

I rubbed my palm over my face, trying to comfort myself from this wave of feeling. It honestly felt so good. But I hated myself for lying and for hurting her in ways I did not even realize. Mali ba ang desisyon ko when I thought we could be in a real relationship? No, I do not regret being her boyfriend, I do not regret being in a relationship with her.

I regret being me.

Me who cannot be a normal boyfriend. Me who cannot give her what she deserves. Me who's nothing special.

"P-please, Cooler? C-come home to m-me?" She sobbed. I wished she was right in front of me so I could hug her.

I breathed out. "Okay, babe. I'll be home."

There was more sobbing but this time she made her voice joyful than it was a few moments ago and nagpaalam.

I growled under my breath as I turned off the phone and passed it to Poseidon. Tahimik lang siya habang pinapanuod ako, not asking anything, bago kami tuluyang umalis.

***

JAJA

Alas dos na ng madaling araw at hindi pa rin ako makatulog. The yacht's cabin was very comfortable, mula sa mamahaling bedsheets hanggang sa mga inumin na nakadisplay sa gilid. None of these things mattered because Cooler is not here.

Inayos ko ang pagkakabuhol ng suot kong roba at pinunasan ang mga luhang kanina pa nag-uunahan. I'm not sure what kept him busy, but I'm sure it's something I did not want. Despite his denial, alam kong mga illegal na bagay ang inaasikaso niya.

I like him so much, kaya nagbulag-bulagan ako sa mga bagay na iyon. I paced back and forth, at ilang beses nang nagpabalik-balik sa deck ng yate, in case Cooler will be here any minute now.

Being his girlfriend still felt surreal dahil kahit sa hinagap ko ay hindi ko maisip na mangyayari iyon. It was like we were from different worlds and things like these only happened in the movies. Pero ito ba talaga ang gusto ko?

Kaya ko ba ang buhay na ganito? Plans will be constantly cancelled due to sudden business. Maiiwan akong nag-aalala kung babalik pa ba siyang ligtas. Ah, napakaraming isipin!

I heard an approaching engine kaya agad akong pumunta sa deck. My heart leaped at the sight of two silhouettes na paakyat ng yate-one of whom is my boyfriend.

Halos takbuhin ko na ang direksiyon nila upang salubungin siya. Wala akong pakialam kahit tila ako isang batang sabik na makita ang kanyang magulang. I ran towards him for a hug and sobbed in his chest.

He stilled in place at mayamaya ay gumanti siya ng yakap at ginawaran ang ulo ko ng mumunting halik. "I'm home," he whispered.

Mas lalo akong naluha sa kadahilanang hindi ko alam. Gosh, do I like him this much kung kaya't ganito na lamang ang reaksiyon ko?

Narinig ko ang mahinang tikhim ni Red sa tabi. "Get a room, you two."

Dahan-dahan akong kumalas at ngumiti kay Red. "Hello, Red."

He smiled back. "Hi, Jaja."

"Salamat sa paghatid mo-" bigla akong natigilan nang mapansin ang naka-bendang tainga ni Cooler. "A-anong nangyari?"

Naramdaman kong tila natood si Cooler sa kinatatayuan at hindi nakaligtas sa paningin ko ang malungkot na ekspresyon sa kanyang mata. It was a different kind of lonely, na iyon ang unang beses na nakita ko ang emosyong iyon sa kanyang mukha.

Red stepped and bowed. "My fault. I hit him hard without his headgear when we had a go with arnis to kill time. Sorry, Jaja."

Naguguluhang napalipat-lipat ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa. "Arnis?"

"Yup. In case you didn't know, Cooler is an expert in Filipino and other Asian martial arts. He knew arnis, pencak silat, and even nunchaku-"

Pinutol siya ni Cooler. "Masyado ka ng nagbubuhat. Thanks for bringing me here, Red. You can now go."

Nagkunwari siyang nasaktan. "Ouch, after all?"

Cooler pulled me after dismissing Red kaya nagpaalam na lamang ito. He kept apologizing to me about Cooler's injury. Hindi ako naniniwala sa dahilan niya, but it's such a relief that it wasn't a gunshot wound.

Nang tuluyan nang makaalis si Red, ay bumaling ako kay Cooler. He was silent, and I observed him, relieved that he doesn't have other wounds in his body. Gusto kong itanong sa kanya kung saan sila nanggaling, or how did it go, or anything just to lighten up his mood dahil iba ang ekspresyon ng kanyang mukha.

He looked sad and angry at the same time. His entire body was tensed this whole time, jaw ticking. Lumapit ako sa kanya, running a hand up and down his arm to help him relax in any way.

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kamay ko. Tenderness filled his eyes as he pulled me into his chest, holding me tight. "I'm sorry I ruined our date."

"It's o-okay." No, it's not. Iniwan niya ako, and he came back injured. How's that okay? But I figured out that's the least of what matters now. He looked like he could use some comfort sa kung anuman ang nangyari sa kanya. I took his hand, kissing his knuckles softly, coaxing him to relax.

I silently observed his every move hanggang sa makapasok kami sa cabin. He was silent, almost uncomfortable. He was also cold to me ngunit hindi ko na lamang iyon pinansin. Nagging is the last thing he needs right now.

Hinubad niya ang suot na coat at inihagis iyon sa upuan sa gilid ng kama. Tahimik na nagpasalamat ako na wala siyang kahit anong bakas ng dugo sa suot niyang puting polo. Tumayo ako sa gilid, making sure not to make a sound.

Sunod niyang inalis ang suot na relo. Like his coat, he tossed it on the side. Tinupi niya ang manggas ng kanyang polo at naupo sa gilid ng kama. Iginala niya ang paningin sa paligid na tila ba may hinahanap hanggang sa mahagip niya ako ng tingin.

He looked at me wearily. "What are you doing there? Come here."

Huminga ako nang malalim bago lumapit sa kanya at naupo sa kanyang tabi. Inabot niya ang kamay ko at hinalikan iyon.

"You can ask me," mahinang sabi niya.

Umiling ako. "If you will only lie to me, I'd rather not ask anything."

Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. "Please don't break up with me." His voice came out as a whisper, almost begging.

"Cooler..."

"Please..."

Binawi ko ang kamay at dinala iyon sa magkabilang pisngi niya at hinarap siya sa akin. "Cooler, hindi ako makikipaghiwalay sa'yo."

He heaved a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness."

"But it doesn't mean I can always turn a blind eye on everything you do," sinserong sagot ko. Wala akong pakialam kung nag-uunahan na ang mga luha ko. I want him to know what I truly felt inside. "We can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room. Cooler, aminin mo man o hindi, I know you're doing things I will not approve of. It would be too much to ask you to stop all of it, ni hindi ko nga alam kung maari ka bang tumigil. I can't keep tolerating you in doing all those things you do..."

Yumuko siya at huminga nang malalim. "Please don't break up with me. Hindi ko kaya."

Wala siyang ibang sinabi kundi ang huwag akong makipaghiwalay sa kanya. I know he's hurting but he doesn't want to say anything about what I am trying to point out. Hindi ko alam kung para sa sariling kapakanan ko ba ang pananahimik niya. I feel so awful right now knowing I don't want to leave him but at the same time I don't know how long can I take the life he's born into.

Sa simula pa lamang ay alam ko na iyon. That means it's my fault for following my emotions.

"I'm not talking about breakup right now," wika ko. Alam kong nag-aaksaya lamang ako ng oras kung magpupumilit akong pag-usapan ang mga bagay-bagay. Sa huli ay pinasya ko na lamang na manahimik. "Let's sleep now."

"Yeah, we should," sabi niya at tumayo. Dahan-dahan niyang tinanggal ang butones ng suot at tumalikod sa akin. Bigla akong natigilan nang makita ang kanyang likod. There was a bruise mark like he was hit with a stick.

Agad akong tumayo at mabilis na tinanggal ang kanyang suot, gently examining his back.

"Anong nangyari sa likod mo?" Puno ng pag-aalalang tanong ko. Pinaharap ko siya sa akin, at gaya ng kanyang likod ay may pasa rin siya sa kanyang tiyan. My tears sprang once again. "Cooler...

"Arnis, remember?" Pagsisinungaling niya. I knew he was lying dahil hindi siya makatingin nang diretso sa akin.

Muli akong naupo sa kama at humagolhol sa mga palad. Ano ba talaga ang nangyari sa kanya? Palagi na lamang bang ganito? He would come to me either high, bleeding, or bruised.

Naramdaman ko ang dahan-dahang paglapit niya sa akin. He slowly knelt in front of me and watched me cry.

"I always make you cry," sabi niya. He reached for my hand na nakatabing sa mukha ko at pinahid ang mga luha ko. "Sorry."

"Pwede bang maging honest ka sa akin?" I asked, lips trembling.

He looked down. "I can't be completely honest with you. Iiwan mo ako."

Hindi kita iiwan. Iyon ang gusto kong sabihin, but if I say so, that would mean I am not completely honest with him too. Hanggang kailan ko ba kayang maging ganito kami?

"At least tell me one thing, kahit munting bagay na totoo. Tell me something."

Mula sa pagkakaluhod ay umupo siya sa sahig, looking up at me. His usual sharp gaze softened, as he rested his head on my lap. "Hmm. I'm... I'm hurting," he said in full sincerity.

Naghintay akong magsabi pa siya ng kung ano, but he left it that way. He just admitted that he's hurting and I know very well that he is. Physically, emotionally-lahat, I knew he was hurting. Dahan-dahang dumaan ang kamay ko sa buhok niya, petting him gently. Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang pagkalma niya, kaya mas lalo kong pinag-igihan ang ginawa.

Ilang saglit lamang ay naramdaman ko ang paggalaw ng mga balikat niya. He was crying-and it made my heart ache. Hinayaan ko siyang tahimik na umiyak. My fingers stroke his hair gently, letting him silently feel my presence. My every touch was reverent, like he was incredibly precious.

Who in the world hurt you, Cooler?

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