Chapter 14: risk it all

COOLER

I kissed her.

Again.

In my defense, it was to make her stay.

Which is sort of stupid because kissing her again may make her want to leave. Maybe.

Sinubukan kong mag-isip ng matino pero sa lahat ng ideya na pumasok sa isipan ko, kissing her again won.

Sa simula ay natigilan si Rustia, but a second or two was long enough for her to respond. Her eyes fluttered closed, and her hand, initially placed on my chest to push me away, gripped tightly on my shirt. The soft movement of her lips caused lingering stirring emotions in me.

This could be a problem.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang meron kay Rustia. I've kissed her twice already without taking it to the next move, and that's a record. Hindi ko alam pero I just wanted to kiss her, savor the moment and enjoy the butterflies fluttering in my damn stomach.

I felt like a stupid teen who just had his first kiss. Pinakiramdaman ko ang sarili. Normally, I would kiss a girl and take her to bed. I don't offer relationships; I offer money.

Nope, don't take it wrong. I'm not paying to get laid, it's just that most girls wanted something, and I have money to spend. Give and take.

But with Rustia...

She was not happy with the properties, not even the cards. I have no idea what she wants. Inalis ko ang napakaraming isipin sa utak, I'll deal with it later.

My mind raced to so many things involving Rustia but I can't seem to think of anything but desperately wanting to kiss her again. I know I have to stop myself before I can't.

I slightly pulled away pero hindi ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya. I pulled her to a hug and buried my face in her neck. I held back myself from kissing her again, not wanting her to push too far. Ayaw ko ring isipin niya na I am a creep who constantly gets a taste of her lips whenever I have the chance.

Hinigpitan ko ang yakap sa kanya, feeling ashamed of my action. She felt so small in my arms, but if I have to be honest, it felt good having her this close.

I don't want to face her yet, dahil wala akong paliwanag sa ginawa ko. Why did I kiss her? What's happening to me? Noong una, I thought it was just curiosity. I wondered what her lips taste like at dala na rin siguro ng pagkakataon. The first time I kissed her, I never felt such a strong desire to do so. At akala ko ay magtatapos iyon doon. Like how eating satisfies our hunger, and drinking quenches our thirst. But kissing her just made me want more, like I cannot get enough.

Just like the first time, this second kiss has been a real one, not heated that tends to lead to something like I normally do.

"C-cooler..."

I have to face this. Kumalas ako mula sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. I examined her confused face, taking in the tiniest details of her expression. Rustia actually has nice, expressive eyes. Makikita mo roon kung totoong masaya siya o di kaya ay malungkot. Her nose is cute, hindi man katangosan, hindi rin naman pango. It actually complimented her small face. Don't get me started with those lips, because, damn, I might kiss her again.

"Please don't think I'm a creep," iyon ang unang lumabas sa bibig ko nang humiwalay ako sa kanya. It's not okay to kiss people against their will, and it will never be. I was awful at expressing myself, and she was hesitant to ask. Wala kaming patutunguhan sa ganoon, so I have to be responsible. "Sorry if I kissed you without consent this time."

Blush crept onto her face. "Hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin..."

See, both of us were awful at expressing what we truly feel.

"Uhm, for starters, you can slap me for kissing you like that," sagot ko. I will gladly accept it dahil alam kong mali ako.

Her eyes made it easy to read her, pero alam kong nagtatalo ang kalooban niya. Sa huli ay umiling siya at iniiwas ang tingin sa akin. Neither of us wanted to admit to any feelings dahil una, it's too early to call it love and it's too strong to call it a whim.

"Sa totoo lang.." she hesitated, at nang magtagpo ang mga mata namin nang mag-angat siya ng tingin ay napilitan siyang sabihin ang tunay na nararamdaman. "I... I h-honestly liked it.. pero hindi ako masamang babae, Cooler."

"Did I make you feel like one?" Tanong ko. "I'm sorry."

Mabilis na umiling siya. "More like an internal conflict. Kinukwestiyon ko ang sarili ko kung bakit n-nagustuhan ko ang halik. I lived with my boyfriend for more than a year, pakiramdam ko ay nagtaksil ako sa kanya dahil doon."

"Ex-boyfriend," pagtatama ko sa kanya. "He cheated on you, you two already broke up so don't feel bad."

She nodded slowly, before forcing a smile.

I had no idea what to say to her right now. I can't offer her anything except money and other material things, but definitely not a relationship.

I'm messed up. I cannot even figure out what to do with my life, and being in a relationship would just make me more messed up.

Rustia is a girl to keep. I don't think she's okay with some random guy kissing her whenever he feels like it. She stayed with her cheating boyfriend, so she's not sticking around for something without a label.

Do I want her to be my kept woman? I don't know. Actually, I was not thinking of it, which is surprisingly weird. I just wanted to kiss her, so I did.

Women like to do a ton of things for us, and in return, we let them enjoy things that money can buy. Rustia is not the type to do that. She turned down what I just offered, so what does she really want? If it's real love, commitments and stuff like that-then it's something I cannot offer.

Pero bakit naeexcite akong umuwi, knowing I can see her? Why does she keep me up all night thinking about her? Bakit umuokupa siya ng espasyo sa isipan ko, despite the many things I have in mind? What sorcery is this?

She's driving me crazy.

"Mababaliw na yata ako, Rustia. I'm scared of getting close to you, pero mas natatakot akong lumayo ka," I confessed. "But please stop me while you still can dahil masasaktan ka lang." I bowed my head and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

The confused look on her face slowly faded and was replaced with sadness. She immediately understood what I meant and accepted it.

"You don't have to be," she answered bravely. "Alam ko naman sa simula pa. We made it clear sa simula pa lang. Hindi ba isa iyon sa mga terms and conditions mo when you hired me as your magic tutor? No, flirting with you. Not that I'm flirting with you," she laughed awkwardly. "At least hindi sadya. But isn't it flirting when I enjoyed the kiss? Isn't it flirting when I wanted more?"

I wanted to tell her that I was the one who broke my own condition. I did the flirting or whatever the hell this is. I did kiss her first, and I kissed her again.

May lungkot sa kanyang mga mata, she was hurting and I know it. Pero tama si Poseidon, I should stop giving her mixed signals or else it will not end right for both of us.

"I'm not up for a relationship," I admitted. "It's the last thing I wanted, at wala akong panahon para roon dahil sa dami ng obligasyon ko."

"Alam ko." Her lips formed a frown as she watched me intently.

"And you're not the type who would be okay with an indecent proposal, right?" I asked.

She stayed still, but I took it as a yes. Come to think of it, did I kiss her because I wanted her in my bed?

Nope.

Did I kiss her because I wanted to get up her skirt?

Nope.

Did I kiss her because I wanted us to fool around?

Definitely not.

I kissed her because... Because I wanted to. I kissed her because I was curious what her lips tasted like. I kissed her because I wanted to kiss her.

No sketchy reason behind it. No hidden motives.

"Kaya mas mabuting umalis na lamang ako," she said quietly. "Baka... baka naaawa ka lang sa akin, and you're confusing it with attraction."

"What the hell, Rustia. If it were just pity, then I would have kissed every living thing I felt pity for."

She gently pressed her hands against mine. "Or maybe I will confuse your kindness with anything, kaya hayaan mo na lamang akong umalis. Let's get back to what we were."

My heart thudded in my chest. I recognized it as pain, pero kung ipagpatuloy ko ang kalokohang ito, I might end up complicating things between us. In one way or another, I would end up hurting her.

We broke up before we were even together..

***

JAJA

Magulo ang apartment nang nakauwi ako. Wala akong balak manatili roon lalo na't narinig ko sa mga kapitbahay na madalas sina Jules at Alliah roon. The house smelled like smoke and rust, kahit si Poseidon ay napapangiwi sa amoy ng sigarilyo sa paligid at mabahong kanal sa kabahayan.

"Sabi ko naman sa inyo ma hindi niyo na ako kailangang samahan," sabi ko kay Red. I started moving around the house, gathering all my important things.

Red shrugged, helping me carry the things I gathered. "Mahirap na, last time alam mo namang may sumusunod sa atin."

"But really, dalawa kayong pinasama ni Cooler?" tanong ko. "I bet she's bored at mukhang napaka-out of place niya."

Sinilip ko ang kasama naming babae na nakatayo sa labas ng bahay. Red said she's Stef, at kaibigan siya ni Cooler. She stood by the car pero alerto siya sa kung ano man ang nakaabang na panganib sa paligid.

"She's not normal too, tama?" tanong ko. Mukha man siyang walang alam sa buhay, I doubt that's the case. Sa unang tingin ay mukha siyang normal na babae, one who likes all the girly things in the world, but that confidence gives it away.

Tumawa si Red. "Not normal?"

"Magmamaang-maangan ka pa eh," sagot ko at pinagpatuloy na lamang ang pagkuha ng gamit.

"Pero Jaja, ano ba talaga ang nangyari? Bakit aalis ka sa bahay ni Cooler?" Red asked. He pulled a chair and sat, hugging the backrest.

"Kasi nga bahay niya iyon," sagot ko at nag-iwas ng tingin.

"How about the properties he got under your name? Technically, sa'yo na iyon kasi nga pinangalan sa'yo."

"Hindi ko kailangan iyon. Mali na inobliga ko siya, kahit kayo... You're here because you're protecting me too, right?"

Red stared at me for a while, like he's silently reading me. "And here I thought you were his salvation."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "Ano?"

"Gusto mo ba si Cooler?" diretsong tanong niya.

Naramdaman ko ang pamumula ng mukha kaya agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin. "Pinagsasabi mo?"

"Just answer the question."

"No!"

He hummed, at maya-maya ay tumawa.

"Huwag kang tumawa, I told you I don't like him," sagot ko sa kanya. It was unimaginable for me to like him. Napakaambisyosa ko kung ganoon.

When we first kissed, I knew it was just the heat of the moment. The second time we kissed, I knew I was in danger.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya iyon ginawa. Hindi ko rin alam bakit nagustuhan ko iyon. There was that feeling in my chest na hindi ko maipaliwanag. Nang hinalikan niya ako, mas lalo lamang akong naguluhan. What am I to him? What are we?

But those questions were not answered. What I got was closure. Pero mabuti na rin at pareho naming tinapos ang anumang ugnayan namin. Cooler wants no relationship, I want commitment.

I don't want what he can offer, he cannot offer what I want. It was like the universe telling us that we were impossible.

"At hindi ko rin siya pwedeng gustuhin," pag-amin ko. "Napakalayo ng estado namin sa buhay."

He nodded pero alam kong hindi siya sang-ayon sa sinabi ko. "Well, we tend to place a higher value on things that are difficult to obtain. We labeled them as out of reach and the more we do so, the more we felt the desire to have that thing."

Red looked at me, waiting for me to say more ngunit wala akong ibang masabi. What he said made sense, but I can think of other reasons why Cooler and I cannot happen.

Napatingin siya sa bintana kung saan natatanaw namin si Stef sa labas. "See that woman?"

Napatingin rin ako sa labas.

"I've loved her since we were seven," sabi niya at napangiti. "I didn't even know what love was back then."

Natigilan ako at pinalipat-lipat ang tingin sa kanya at sa babaeng nasa labas. "Kayo ba?" I made a gesture with my hand to ask if they are together pero nakangiting umiling siya.

"No. Not a chance. She loves someone else."

Umupo ako at hinarap siya. "Sinabi mo ba sa kanya ang nararamdaman mo?"

"Countless times," pag-amin. "Every chance I could get, I always tell her how I feel."

Bahagya akong nalungkot. Red looks good, he's kind, he's reliable-and there may be a lot of other things lovable about him pero hindi siya mahal ng mahal niya.

At least the world is somehow fair. Hindi malayo ang estado nila sa buhay, but Red can't have what he loves.

"And every chance she could get, she would reject me," natatawang sabi niya.

Napabuga ako ng hangin. "Unrequited love sucks, right?"

"I beg to disagree. It's not as wretched as it sounds. Sure, it's bitter, it's painful but it's worth bearing. Ilang beses na ba niya akong nireject? How many times did she break my heart?" Umasta siyang tila nagbibilang sa daliri. "Countless times that I lost count. Is it painful? Yes, but it does not stop me from loving her."

Hearing it from him, it sounded so beautiful and comforting... That maybe I can be just like him, that I can let my feelings as is. That I can embrace this and let it blossom to whatever this is without asking anything in return from Cooler. Pero hindi kami parehas ng sitwasyon.

Cooler isn't willing to risk it all and so am I.

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