Chapter 12: what I had put myself into

JAJA

What the hell was I thinking?

Sinabunutan ko ang sarili at ilang beses na inuntog ang ulo sa unan. Saan ako humuhugot ng kapal ng mukha para mag-demand ng ganoon kay Cooler?

"Protect me. With all your might."

Ano ako, Disney Princess? Hindi niya ako responsibilidad, so why am I putting my safety on his shoulders?

Sa totoo lang, Cooler looked so dependable. I don't know him so well but I feel like I can entrust him with my life, ngunit hindi tama ang ginawa ko. Hindi responsibilidad ni Cooler ang kaligtasan ko but I obliged him.

How will I be able to face him?

I heard a car engine pull up the driveway at halos ibaon ko na ang sarili sa malambot na kama. Nilakasan ko ang loob at nagpasyang lumabas ng kwarto. Hindi ako nanatili rito para mag-staycation sa bahay niya, kaya kung may matutulong ako ay gagawin ko. I can do house chores at kung anu-ano pang maaring gawin.

Unang pumasok si Red. Nakasuot siya ng itim na suit na may asul na necktie. His hair was disheveled at pinagpapawisan pa siya. May dala siyang dalawang attache case at natigilan nang makita ako.

He stopped, and his mouth gaped open.

"Cooler?" tawag niya, eyes looking at me like he cannot believe that I'm there. Sunod namang pumasok sa pinto ang kanyang tinawag. Like him, Cooler wore a suit, as if both of them just came back from a corporate meeting.

Nagtatakang nilingon niya si Cooler at bahagyang bumulong pero rinig ko pa rin naman ang sinabi niya. "I thought you said protect her life, not... live with her."

Nilagpasan siya ni Cooler na tila pagod na pagod. He threw himself on the sofa at hinubad ang coat na suot. He folded the sleeves of his shirt at ilang beses na napabuntong-hininga.

What, hindi ba naging maayos ang corporate meeting nila?

"Uhm... Hello," bati ko na lamang sa hanggang ngayo'y hindi makapaniwalang si Red.

He smiled at me. "Hello, Jaja!" Bumaling siya kay Cooler. "Cooler?" Tiningnan niya ang huli na para bang tahimik na humihingi ng eksplenasyon sa presensya ko.

"You told her everything kaya hindi ko siya pwedeng hayaang umuwi sa bahay niya," sagot ni Cooler sa kanya.

Mayamaya ay ngumiti si Red na may kung anong dahilan na siya lamang ang nakakaalam. "I see. I'm off somewhere," aniya at inilapag ang mga dalang attache case. "See you around, Jaja."

Hindi man lamang niya hinintay na makasagot kami. Agad siyang lumabas ng bahay at ilang sandali lamang ay rinig ko na ang tunog ng papalayong sasakyan. I stood on the side, silently watching as Cooler pressed his fingers on his temple. Nakasandal siya sa sofa, his hand supporting his head, at nakapikit.

Ilang minuto ko siyang pinanood, silently worrying about him. He looked tired, and now that he had removed his coat, mababakas ang dugo mula sa kanyang tagiliran, tila ba may sugat siya roon. He also had some bruises on his face, like he just got punched.

Ganoon ba kapag may meeting siya?

Naghintay pa ako ng ilang minuto at nanatiling nakatayo, but it seemed like he had fallen asleep in a sitting position. Alam kong gising siya, pero mukhang kailangan lamang niya ng pahinga.

Tahimik na umakyat ako sa hagdan. Kanina ay nakita ko ang first aid kit sa kwartong ginagamit ko. I also got a hand towel at naghanap ng palanggana at nilagyan iyon ng mainit na tubig.

Pagkababa ko ay nasa ganoong pwesto pa rin siya, still with his eyes closed. Dahan-dahan akong lumapit sa kanya at inilapag ang mga dalang gamit. Napansin ko ang paggalaw ng ugat sa kamay niya—he was being vigilant.

I sighed. This is the least that I can do.

Kinuha ko ang bimpo at piniga iyon. Sinubukan kong pakiramdaman ang init nang sa ganoon ay hindi siya mapaso.

"Cooler..."

He opened his eyes at bahagyang nagtagpo ang kanyang kilay.

"May I?" tanong ko at bahagyang iniangat ang bimpo.

He looked at me like I said something weird. When he saw that I was ready, he sat up straight. "You don't have to worry. I'm okay."

"Pero.." Tiningnan ko ang tagiliran niyang nababalot ng dugo. It looked so disturbing dahil puti ang suot niya.

Saka lamang niya tila napansin ang dumudugong tagiliran. "Damn."

Iniangat niya ang damit, at parehas kaming napangiwi nang makita ang tagiliran niya. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali, this is the same wound he had when we first met sa presinto.

"You still have this?" tanong ko. Hindi na ako nag-atubili pang linisin ang kanyang sugat. It was a stitched wound na ngayon ay duguan ang bandage. Dahan-dahan kong inalis ang bandage. The wound was healing, but it seemed to have reopened, so it wasn't drying up.

Ngumiti siya. "You still remember?"

Tumango ako. "Oo, you were bleeding badly that night."

Bahagya siyang napangiwi nang madiinan ko ang ginagawa. "I remembered you dressed like Harley Quinn."

"Galing ako raket n'on," sagot ko sa kanya. Sinimulan kong linisin ang kanyang sugat. The wound wasn't too severe; it seemed like something had just hit it, causing it to bleed. "Napansin kitang kumawala sa posas mo."

Bahagya siyang ngumiti, ngunit bakas pa rin sa mukha niya ang pagod. After cleaning his wound ay sunod kong pinunasan ang mukha niya.

"Galing ba kayo sa gang fight?" Pabirong tanong ko.

"Sort of."

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ikokomento sa sagot niyang iyon. Ibig bang sabihin ay ang illegal nilang negosyo ang inatupag niya? He did not confirm the existence of their illegal business to me. It's like something that I know that was there, but at the same time not there. Hindi ko rin naman siya pwedeng tanungin kung totoo ba ang Vander Mafia. I won't even accept that my father worked for them kung totoong sindikato nga sila.

"You look like you have a lot of questions," komento niya.

Umiling ako at ipinagpatuloy ang pagpunas sa ilang pasa niya sa mukha. "Marami nga akong tanong, pero ayaw kong malaman ang sagot."

He nodded in agreement. "It's better that way."

Bigla siyang napapiksi nang bahagya kong madiinan ang kanyang pasa. He immediately held his face, ngunit sa halip na mukha niya ay kamay kong may hawak ng bimpo ang kanyang nahawakan.

His hand was warm, tila mas mainit pa sa maligamgam na tubig na pinagbabaran ko ng bimpo. Nagtagpo ang mga mata namin, at tila nawala ang ingay ng paligid. There was one distinct sound ngunit hindi ko alam kung saan iyon nanggagaling. Malakas na sunod-sunod na kalabog lamang ang naririnig ko, only to realize it was my heart beating in my chest.

Bumaba ang kamay ko sa bahagyang nakaawang niyang labi. There was a small bruise on the side, at wala sa sariling sinundan ng mga mata ko ang kamay kong ngayon ay naglalakbay sa labi niya. Napalunok ako ng ilang beses at muling tumingin sa kanyang mga mata, and find him still staring straight at me.

Ako ang unang nagbawi ng tingin at agad na tumayo upang humakbang palayo. I threw the towel on his face.

"Y-you're good. K-kaya mo na 'yan. Good night."

Agad akong tumalikod at tumakbo pabalik sa silid. What the heck was that?! Dumiretso ako sa banyo at naghilamos. Halos lunurin ko na ang mukha ay hindi pa rin mawala sa isipan ko ang mukha niya.

Let's face it. Masyadong gwapo si Cooler kaya normal lamang na matulala ang kung sinuman sa kanya kung makakaharap siya. I noticed he has one tiny mole under his right eye.

Pero sino ba ako para hangaan siya? Malayong-malayo kami ng estado sa buhay. I am someone who can only watch him from afar. I'm sure Cooler knew a lot of pretty, smart, and rich girls kaya bago pa ako makaramdam ng kung anumang atraksiyon sa kanya, I have to stop it before it starts.

I spent the rest of the night on the bed, iniisip ang katangahang ginawa. Why did I stare at his face? Now, wala akong mukhang ihaharap sa kanya. I tossed and turned ngunit hindi ako makatulog.

Narinig ko ang mahinang katok sa pinto.

"I ordered food, sorry. Medyo late na but I figured out hindi ka nag-dinner." It was Cooler, sino pa nga ba eh kami lang namang dalawa dito sa bahay niya?

At bakit ba napakalaki ng bahay niya? Kahit mag-anak siya ng labing dalawa, kasya pa rin sila! Mas lalo akong nanliit sa sarili ko. Dalawa lamang kaming magkapatid pero iisa lamang ang kwarto namin. Nang magdalaga na ako ay sa kwarto ni Nanay na ako nakikitulog dahil minsan lang umuuwi si Tatay noon.

Tumayo ako at nakayukong binuksan ang pinto. Nakapagbihis na si Cooler. He's wearing a white shirt and sweatpants.

Nakayukong lumabas ako ng kwarto at sinundan siya pababa ng hagdan.

"Lift your head, Rustia. There's nothing to be ashamed of," sabi niya.

Nang marating namin ang kusina ay inilabas niya ang mga inorder na pagkain. It was too much for the two of us ngunit hindi na ako nagreklamo.

Pinanood ko siya habang maganang kumakain. Hindi man lamang siya apektado sa inasal ko kanina.

"Sorry," mahinang usal ko.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin. "Sorry saan?"

Napalabi ako. "Don't make me say it."

He took a spoonful, chewed it for a while, and swallowed. "If you're apologizing for what happened, then I should apologize too."

Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. "B-bakit?"

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "You're sorry for doing that and feeling attracted that moment. Kung ganoon, I should apologize too because that's exactly what I felt."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. He said it like it wasn't an embarrassing thing to admit.

"I get it, Rustia. We're two people of opposite sexes. It's normal to feel an attraction between us."

It was good to hear him being cool about it. Narealize kong mature siyang mag-isip. The problem is that I am ashamed of myself for being attracted to him gayong kahihiwalay lamang namin ni Jules.

Nagulat ako nang tumayo siya at umupo sa tabi ko. He lifted my head and made me face him.

"I was assessing the moment. I know you used to be in a long-term relationship, pero kanina... I wanted to kiss you...but I can't because I cannot kiss you without your consent."

Napakurap ako at hindi alam kung ano ang isasagot sa sinabi niya. He dropped a bomb and I was not prepared for it.

Bumaba ang tingin niya sa labi ko. "Can I kiss you?" tanong niya.

Bahagyang napaawang ang labi ko at tiningnan siya sa mata. He was sincere in his request for consent at ayan na naman ang pagtambol ng dibdib ko.

I found myself nodding.

Unti-unting lumapit ang mukha niya sa mukha ko. My mind was empty and all I could think of was his lips on mine. He leaned in, his eyes focusing on my parted lips.

His scent was intoxicating, so different from Jules' when he kissed me. Not a hint of cheap mouthwash and cigarette.

"You have a few seconds to back off before I completely lose my mind," he said.

My chest rose heavily as I sucked air to breathe. Naiinip na ako, I wanted to feel his lips on mine kaya ako na ang tumawid sa maliit na espasyo sa pagitan ng mga labi namin.

Malambot ang kanyang mga labi at nagdulot iyon ng napakaraming emosyon sa akin.

His lips moved, taking control. His kisses were slow, soft, and burning, like he was cautious of his every move. I felt his tongue gently slide across my lower lip before it slowly explored my mouth. I wanted him to kiss me more—as if his kisses were not enough. Pwede ba iyon? Can he kiss me more kahit nakahalik na siya sa akin?

He must be a mind reader because he knew exactly what I wanted. Bumilis ang galaw ng kanyang labi. He was kissing me like there's no tomorrow. Naging mabilis ang kanyang mga halik at mas mapusok. Nakakabaliw ang sensasyong dulot niyon ngunit hindi ko alam kung bakit tila mas lalo lamang akong nananabik. What the heck is wrong with me?

Hinawakan niya ang magkabilang pisngi ko at mas lalo lamang nagpagulo ang hawak niyang iyon sa isip ko. His hands were not exploring my body to places where I didn't want to be touched—gaya ng madalas gawin ni Jules.

Bakit ba ikukumpara ko ang halik niya kay Jules? Marahil ay nababaliw na nga ako.

His lips lingered a little longer before he slowly pulled back, placing a final soft kiss on my lips.

Mabigat ang paghinga niya habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa akin. His hands were still on my cheeks, slowly caressing them with his thumbs.

My mind was racing as I returned his gaze. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, kung ano ang sasabihin. Nanatili akong nakatingin sa kanya hanggang sa napangiti siya at nahihiyang tumawa.

Binitawan niya ang mukha ko at tinakpan ang sariling mukha. "Don't look at me like that."

When he removed his palms from his face, bakas pa roon ang pamumula niya.

"B-bakit?" naguguluhang tanong ko.

"You're looking at me like this is the first time you have been kissed," sagot niya at sumandal.

"I-it's not my first time, pero... It felt different," sinserong sagot ko at napayuko. "You don't reek of alcohol and cigarette when you kissed me. Hindi mo rin ako hinalikan na tila ba may ibang intensiyon. It's like a kiss, like a real kiss."

This time ay mas tumagal ang tingin niya sa akin na tila ba binabasa ang sitwasyon. "Why, is a kiss supposed to lead to something?"

I shrugged. "I always felt so kasi iyon ang palaging ipinaparamdam sa akin." Ngumiti ako nang mapait, remembering the times I felt so dirty after Jules touched me in places I wanted to reserve. Whenever I heard he banged another girl, he would gaslight me into thinking it was my fault kasi hindi ako nakikipag-sex sa kanya.

He would make me feel bad about reserving myself for the one I will marry. It's not about an old belief. Hindi ko iyon ginagawa dahil naniniwala akong ang sex ay para lamang sa mag-asawa. It's more of a promise to myself. Gusto kong ang magiging asawa ko ang una at huli.

He patted my head like a kid. "Two people can kiss without leading to sex, you know. Pero I cannot lie that it somehow leads to." Ginawaran niya ako ng ngiti. "For now, let's just eat."

I forced a smile and nodded. "Okay."

At the back of my mind, I wondered what I had put myself into.

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ShinichiLaaaabs