January 1, 2015

Dear Diary,

I don't really have much to say today that I didn't say last night, but I just wanted to make my first entry of 2015...with the new change at the top.

My goals for 2015:

-Make friends

-Draw and Paint again

-Be happy so that Jaime doesn't have to worry so much about me anymore...or Chris or Benji

-Catch up in school so I can still graduate in June

Finn

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January 18, 2015

Dear Diary,

I completed a painting today that wouldn't make the person looking at it want to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.  That's a good sign right?

My teacher really liked it and asked me to put it in the school art show that they're having at the end of the month.  I told him I would, I mean, I don't really care one way or the other, but it would make Jaime proud to come and see it, so I will.

With the new semester I also signed up for a beginner's sculpting class.  I don't know if it's my thing, but I thought it would be fun and after getting to know Elliott I thought I'd give something new a try.  I'm going to go visit him this weekend to tell him about it, and to get out of the house.  I'm meeting Elliott and David at a coffee shop across from his building and then maybe hang out with them up in David's studio for a while.  He's going to introduce me to his brother Blake and his little sister if she decides to take the train in for the weekend.  I think Declan probably asked him to invite me for a visit.  I get that he wants what's best for me, but sometimes Declan thinks that his way is the only way and it gets frustrating.  I wish he was more like Jaime, just be there for me, but not constantly nag or pressure me.  At least I have Jaime, he's my mama.  Ha!  I love to tease him that way, but he is.  He makes me breakfast and dinner and sneaks treats in my bag for school.  He loves to take care of me.  I think he would love to adopt kids with Declan, but I can tell that Declan's not so sure about it yet.  Maybe I've turned him off fatherhood! :)

Finn

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March 7, 2015

Happy Birthday Dad.  I miss you so much.  There's so much I wish I could say to you...I love you and think about you every day.

Wow, I haven't written in a while, I've actually been really busy catching up at school.  I still had a lot of work to finish from last semester to get all my credits, so I've been staying late and basically working my ass off.  It's been good though, keeping busy has kept my mind off...other things.  Declan's letting me go to and from school on my own now too.

Anyway, in honour of your birthday, I'll make today's entry to you.

Dear Dad,  

So yeah, school is okay.  Besides all the extra work I've actually been a little more involved too.  Talking to my teachers and even some kids.  There's this one group of kids that have been really nice to me.  They asked me to sit at their table on Friday, but I didn't really feel like it because I was thinking about it being your birthday today so I sat at an empty table on the other side of the cafeteria.  A few minutes later they all picked up their lunches and came to my table.  One of them, Henry, said I didn't have to talk to them, but they wanted to sit with me anyway.  It was weird, but kind of cool.  They all sat down and just ate their lunch and talked, I sat at the end and ate my lunch and pretended I wasn't listening, but I really was.  Henry looked at me a few times, but he blushed when I caught him.  That made me smile.

I don't know.  Maybe I'll sit with them on Monday.  

I love you Dad!

Finn

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March 14, 2015

Dear Diary,

You would be so proud of me dear diary...I've been sitting with that group I told you about, all week.  They're really nice and they don't pressure me to talk about stuff, they just let me be myself.

So, their names are Henry, Jason, Tony (those are the guys) and Sammy, Heidy, Sarah and Kyra (the girls). I have told them some stuff; that I grew up in California, but lived in Miami for the summer and that I recently had a bad breakup.  I said I didn't really want to talk about it, but I wanted them to know I wasn't normally such a depressed loser.  They were really understanding and they even got me laughing a few times this week.  I think it might have been the first time I've laughed in like 5 or 6 months!  It actually felt good.

Of course, everyone's making a big deal about it.  Jaime is walking around with a perpetual grin, Declan looks relieved and Cynthia was spouting about old doors closing and new doors opening or some crap like that.

Henry's in my sketch class and English Lit, so now we sit next to each other and Jason, Sammy and Kyra are in my painting class, Tony's in my beginning sculpting class and then we all have the same lunch period.

They talked about going to the movies tonight so Henry is going to text me when and where once they decide on what to see.

I'm also almost all caught up with my work from last semester so I'm more than half way to my 2015 goals and it's only March!

Finn

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March 21, 2015

Dear Diary,

I've been hanging around with my friends a lot lately.  Declan lets me go off with them whenever I want and Jaime doesn't seem as worried about me anymore.  He even invites them over all the time. Jaime is at his happiest with a houseful of teenagers it seems.  Whenever I tell Jaime they're coming over he bakes cookies or makes us some of his special Mexican dishes.

Jaime thinks Henry likes me more than a friend, but I think he's full of it.  I tell him it's his own wishful thinking.  He claims he can see it in the way he looks at me when I'm not looking so I told him to take a picture and prove it.

I kind of like Henry, but I don't know if I could be in a relationship with anyone.  I guess I'm scared.  Jaime says that Henry is probably just as scared so at least it's a level playing field.  What do you think I should do?

Ha!  I knew you'd say that.  I'm dialing Benji right now.

Ttfn

Finn

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March 28, 2014

Dear Diary,

Benji's coming today for 5 days!  I can't wait.  I'm going to introduce him to my friends.  He says he especially needs to check out Henry.  I'm pretty sure Henry does like me; He takes the subway home with me almost every day, even when everyone else is busy.  He claims to love Jaime's cooking, but last night he stayed for dinner and then we watched a movie on Netflix.  Declan was out so Jaime watched with us for a little while, but then went to bed claiming to be really tired.  Henry was sitting right next to me, I mean any closer and he would have been in my lap.  We were sitting in the leather sofa that reclines and a few minutes after the movie started, he casually put his leg over mine.  It seemed more than just friends.  He even held my hand for a few minutes when Jaime went to make popcorn, but let go as soon as he came back.  It was kind of cute because he seemed really nervous and like he was afraid to look at me while he was holding my hand.

After the movie I walked him to the door and he gave me a long hug, but that's normal.  All of our group hugs each other, maybe not as long and as tight though.  Benji asked me how I felt about him and I do like him, maybe even a lot.  When I'm with him I feel light.  Like there's not this heavy weight of sadness on my shoulders anymore.  I can be silly and have fun.  

I haven't had that panicky feeling in 3 months!

Finn

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April 4, 2015

Dear Diary,

Benji's visit was great!  He really likes my friends and they like him.  Henry was a little reserved at first, but then Benji made a big deal about explaining that I was like the little brother he never had and Henry seemed better after that.  Like a lot better.  :D

Okay, I should really tell you all about Benji's visit, but I have something really exciting to tell you instead.

Henry asked me out yesterday.  Yup!  And I said yes.  We're going out to dinner tonight and then to a club to see a band that he knows.  It's a club for teenagers at a youth center so there's no alcohol or Dreaded Declan wouldn't let me go.  It's for ages 16 and up and Henry say's it's pretty cool and I think the whole gang is going, but not to dinner.  That's just the two of us.

I feel a little conflicted.  I do like Henry, but am I giving up on Nico? Or when I said yes to Henry, did I finally accept that he's never coming back.  I mean, I know I said my goodbye's to him at the end of the year, but my heart and my head don't always agree.  I still always feel like part of him is with me.  Sometimes I feel like if I turned around quick enough I would be able to see him, like he's just out of sight, just out of reach.

When I first started thinking about Henry as more than just a friend, I was worried that all I would do was compare them, but they're so different that I don't do that.  Even our relationship will be so different.  Henry's like my equal, it wasn't like that with Nico.  Even when he wasn't acting all Dom, he was still in charge, the Alpha male.  Maybe this is better for me.  

All I can do is give it a try and see how it feels.

Finn

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April 4, 2015 

Dear Diary,

Yes!  Two entries in one day.  This is just a quick one to say my date was amazing!  Henry was amazing!  It was the perfect date.  He was really sweet and making sure everything was right.  We went to an Italian restaurant and had pasta and it was soooo good.  I tried to pay for half the bill, but he wouldn't let me, so I told him it was okay only if I got to pay next time, otherwise there wouldn't be a next time.  He was fine with that.

The band was really good and everyone was really happy for us when we told them we were dating now.  Oh yeah, after dinner, before we got to the club, Henry asked me to be his boyfriend and I said yes.  Then I kissed him.  I think he was going to kiss me, but he looked nervous so I grabbed his collar and planted one right on him!  He almost fell over!  But he was really happy by the big smile on his face that didn't come off until we said good night.

Okay, it's really late now, but I had to write this down before I went to bed.

Finn

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April 15, 2015

Dear Diary,

Do you know what I realized half way through today?  It's April 15th.  Nico's birthday.  I realized at lunch when Henry asked what the date was while he was finishing a paper.  I got really quiet after that, I realized I hadn't thought about him in a while.  Henry asked me what was wrong, but I didn't want to make him feel bad so I told him nothing.  

When I got home I pulled out the sketchbook that I had hidden under my mattress and not picked up...wow, since December.  I looked through all my sketches of Nico.  I felt sad for a while, but then I closed the book and put it away in my closet in a box of stuff that I hardly ever use.  I didn't want to throw it away, but I don't want to look at it again for a while either.  Nico's the past and Henry's my present.  I don't know what I'll be doing in the future, but for now I'm just going to live in the here and now.

Finn

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May 17, 2015

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't been writing in you too much lately, I've just been really busy with Henry and the rest of my friends.

Today is my birthday!  Happy Birthday to me, I'm 17!  

It's been a really great day too.  Declan, Jaime, Elliott, David and Henry and I went out to a late brunch.  When I got home I talked to Benji on Skype and Chris called me on the phone.  Then Henry and I went for a long walk and ended up at an ice cream parlour and ordered this huge sundae for two and shared it.  We stopped at his house afterwards because his mom had baked me a cake.  We were kind of sugared out, but we each had a small piece to make her happy.  Henry's parents are nice, especially his mom.  His dad was a little distant when I first met him, I think when Henry told him he was gay he thought it was a phase, but when he finally showed up with a boyfriend, he realized maybe he was wrong.  He doesn't seem homophobic, but  guess it just took some getting used to.

Henry's parents had to go to some fundraising dinner so I hung out with him at his place and we spent most of the night kissing and fooling around in his room.  I think if Henry hadn't put on the breaks things would have gotten pretty serious, but he doesn't want to rush it, for either of us.  It was hard to realize he was right at the moment, but now I'm glad we didn't go too far.  I really like Henry, but I'm not ready to call it love yet, maybe I'm still a little gun shy.  I've only ever been with Nico and I don't know if I'm ready to get that intimate with someone again.

16 was a like a roller coaster. I wonder what 17 will be like.

Finn

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June 27, 2015

Dear Diary,

Do you want the good news or the bad news first?  Well, of course the good news is that school is over and graduation is Saturday!  I can't believe my High School career is finally over.  Other good news is that I got into Cooper Union.  It's here in the city and Declan says it's one of the best, if not the best art school in the country.  I think he's exaggerating, it's where he went and he wanted me to stay in New York, so he made me apply there, but I'm fine with it.

The not so good news, Henry is going to Europe for the summer with his parents. They don't leave for a few weeks yet, so we have some time together and it is just the summer.  But, and this news can go either way...Henry got into Cooper Union (YAY!), but he also got into Cornell.  I know, why isn't that good news?  It's not horrible, I guess.  Cornell is only a few hours away in upstate New York, so if he chooses to go there we could still see each other a lot.  I have a feeling he'll choose Cornell because it's Ivy League and his father is big into Ivy League.  His Dad's an investment banker and I think he went to Harvard or Yale.

So Henry and I have been boyfriends for...almost 2 months now, it will be exactly 2 months next week.  We've fooled around a lot, but we still haven't had sex and I'm thinking about setting up this really romantic evening for our 2 month anniversary and...going all the way.  I'm a little nervous though and I know he is too.  He's still a virgin (yeah! I know!  He's a year older than me and still a virgin, but I don't tease him about it), and I've only ever been with Nico.  I don't even know who would be the top and who would be the bottom.  We always get too embarrassed to ever talk about that.  He's the confident one, but I'm the only one with any experience...though not as a top.

Would it be weird to have sex with him and then he goes off to Europe?  Or is that a reason we definitely should, so he doesn't forget about me.  What do you think I should do Diary?  Maybe I should talk to Benji about this, he always has good advice.

Oh!  More good news!  Chris is moving to New York!  He wanted to continue working with Declan so he's transferring to Cooper Union in September.  He's already found someone to sublet his apartment so he's packing up all his stuff and probably driving up next week.  Declan's letting him stay here until he finds his own place so at least I'll have someone to hang out with this summer while Henry's gone.

I think I'll go call Benji now to talk about the whole Henry-sex thing.  :P

Finn

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July 25, 2015

 
 Dear Diary,

Chris has been here for 2 weeks and it's been really great!  Especially after Henry left for Europe, he's helped me not miss him too much.  Oh, if you're wondering, me and Henry decided to wait until he got back from Europe to...you know.  :)  I'm kind of glad we're waiting; it will make his homecoming that much better.  We'll have two weeks together before he goes off to Cornell.  Yeah, his Dad convinced him to go to Cornell.  They have a really good architecture program and his father convinced him it wasn't smart to choose his college by where his boyfriend is going.  Which is right I guess.

Chris and I have been doing a lot of painting in Declan's studio together.  Declan says my technique has improved and my work has 'matured'.  Whatever that means. :)  I don't feel like he's very objective, so I look forward to working with some of the professors at CU and getting more critical feedback.

God that sounds so mature! 

I'll have to do something Benji-ish to counteract that.

:)

Finn

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August 19, 2015

Dear Diary,

Well I'm single again.  

I talked to Henry on the phone and he's taking a year off before he starts at Cornell and staying in Europe.  He's fallen in love with the architecture and want to sketch it all before he starts school and his father's cousin has invited him to stay with he and his family in Florence.

I mean, what could I say?  How can I complete with that? 

He said he didn't want either of us to limit our experiences so that we should break up and when he returned, we could see where we stood.  He said it in a nicer, less direct way, but that's ultimately what it came down to.

What's crazy is that I'm not really fazed.  I agreed with him and wished him a great year, hung up the phone and then Chris and I went out and got pizza and had a great time.

Am I just numb or did I not care for him as much as I thought I did?  I really don't know.

Finn

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September 5, 2015

Dear Diary,

I just moved into my dorm at Cooper Union.  At first Declan wanted me to stay at the apartment, and I was going to do that, mostly because it would be cheaper, but a few weeks ago I got a call from a lawyer about an insurance policy my Dad had set up for me that my Mom didn't know about. 

It was supposed to be given to me when I'm 18, but it had a clause that if under certain circumstances I needed it before then, I could access it.  Since my Mom basically abandoned me and I'm starting college early, they said I could use it for school and any expenses I had.  This is great because now I can pay for it all on my own without having to take anything more from Declan and the lawyer said there is plenty, enough to pay for all four years and even longer if I wanted.  He didn't give me an exact figure, he said a lot of its invested and the investments have grown and he would have to look into the exact figure, but he said not to worry, there was enough for anything I need.

I did have to promise Declan that I'd come to the apartment every Sunday for dinner, but that's more for Jaime, also I have to come with Chris once a week to paint with Declan at his studio.  I only agreed because Chris was going too.

My relationship with Declan has been strained ever since I came to live with him.  He tries, but I just feel like I can't trust him and when everything happened with Nico, Declan was always the first to blame everything on Nico and talk down about him.

Chris' apartment is just a few blocks from the dorm.  He helped me move my stuff in and we've been hanging out a lot together.  I'm really glad he moved up here and we're going to school together.

Finn

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November 22, 2015

Dear Diary,

I know, I know, I haven't written in ages!  I've been really busy with school...and with Chris too.  Chris and I are dating now.  :)

We got so close over the summer and after I moved out of Declan's apartment, at the beginning of October he asked me to be his boyfriend and I said yes.  He's pretty awesome.  I've been staying at his apartment a lot and he asked me to think about moving in with him next semester.  Yes nosy Diary we are sleeping together...and before you ask, sometimes he's the top and sometimes I'm the top.  It depends on our mood or...whatever we feel like. 

Chris asked me which I like better and honestly, I like them both, a lot!  :P

So do I move in with him at the end of the semester?  I know Declan won't want me too, at least until I'm 18, but I kind of don't care what Declan wants.  Jaime talks to me more reasonably about it.  He just thinks I should wait until I'm sure about our relationship because what if I give up my dorm room, move in with him and things don't work out.  He has a good point.  I really like Chris, but do I love him that way?  I have fun with him and I really like spending time with him.

I have 3 weeks until I have to decide, so I'll have to really think about it.

Finn

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December 31, 2015

Dear Diary,

I looked back at this time last year and I guess I've come a long way.  2015 was better than I expected it would be.  School's been great.  I love my professors, my painting is going really well and things with Chris are great too.

No, I didn't end up moving in with him, I kept my dorm room.  I still spend about 4 nights a week at his place, but it's nice to come back to the dorm and have time to myself too.  I have a single which makes that easier, it's tiny, like the size of a big closet, but it's mine.

Benji's coming for a visit on the 2nd!  Actually, he and Ajax are coming.  Ajax had some meetings and Benji has time off from school so it worked out well.  I haven't seen Ajax since Miami, but I think it will be okay.  I don't know...to be honest I'm a little nervous, but Benji will make everything fine.

Anyway...goals for 2016?

-Push the boundaries of my art

-Have my own gallery show

-Never be dependent on someone again

Finn

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March 7, 2016

Dear Dad,

Happy Birthday!  I have some good news!  A small gallery in Bushwick (in Brooklyn) has asked me to show my work there!  My first real show! It will last for 14 days.  It's called Momentum and a friend of Elliott's owns it, but he promised that he wasn't showing my work because of Elliott, he really likes what I've been doing.

It's not as big a gallery as Clearing, but for only being a freshman in college, it's a really big deal.  Benji said he would fly out for the opening too!

Declan is really excited for me, and of course is trying to tell me what I should show and thinks he's going to be in charge of setting everything up, but I'm going to do this my way.  Jaime is just happy for me and says he's going to do all the catering for opening night.  I love Jaime so much, sometimes I think he's too good for Declan, but Jaime says they balance each other out.  If that was true, imagine Declan without Jaime!  Woof!

Oh, before I forget Dad.  Thank you for the insurance policy you set up for me.  I'd rather have you a hundred million times more than the money though.  But at least I don't have to depend on anyone anymore and I can take care of myself.

I love you so much Dad and I miss you every second of every day.  I hope that you're proud of me.

Love,

Finn

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April 15, 2016

Dear Diary,

I know I hardly ever write in here anymore, I guess I don't need you like I used to, but at least you're still here when I feel like marking some milestone.

Of course, you know what today is.  It's a melancholy day for me.  I never did get to spend a birthday with him, mine or his.

But, I have to focus on the present.  My show at Momentum is set for the end of May, which is perfect timing because I'll be 18 then and not feel like a child prodigy like Declan used to call me.

Things are going okay with Chris.  I mean, I really like him.  Being with him is...comfortable.  But I guess something is missing.  I don't know if maybe it just takes time.  With Nico my feelings for him hit me like a freight train and he was all I could think about.  But maybe relationships like that burn out as quickly as they flame up.  They say the best relationships start out as friends...or at least I think they say that.  Who are 'they' anyway?

Finn

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May 17, 2016

Dear Diary,

FINALLY!  I'm finally 18 and I don't have to account to anyone.  My lawyer released another chunk of my dad's insurance money to me so I have enough cash in my own account to take care of myself 100%.  I'm even going to get my own apartment when the school year ends.  I did promise Jaime that I would still come to dinner every Sunday, but that's okay.  Jaime's still my mama.

Oh...two weeks ago I broke up with Chris, but we're still really good friends.  I told him, in a nice way of course, that something was missing and that I thought we were better as friends.  He said he figured something was up because I'd been pulling away from him lately (I didn't realize I had been ??) and that he'd been expecting it.  But he was really cool about it and we still spend time together.

I've decided I'm not going to get into a serious relationship for a while, just casual dating.  I just need to figure out who I am, alone, before I can make a commitment to someone. I felt so much better after I decided that too.  I'll just be honest with anyone I date, no commitments, no promises.

My show is in 2 weeks!  I'm really excited and I've been working my a$$ off getting ready for it.  Which is one reason I hardly ever pick you up anymore Diary.  Can you forgive me?  Chris has offered to help with set up, and the guy who owns the gallery will too.  Declan offered to help, but I told him I really wanted to do this on my own and he backed down.  I've invited all my friends, Benji of course, Jaime, even Louisa and Rosita are flying up for it!  They are staying at Declan and Jaime's apartment (they love Jaime and tolerate Declan).  Elliott and David will be there and a bunch of people from school including some of my professors.

I haven't heard from Henry in a while.  I emailed him about it, but he hasn't replied back and I figure he won't be back until the end of the summer just before he starts at Cornell.  That's okay, I think we've drifted in two different directions.

Anyway...Jaime is making me a Mexican feast for my birthday so I have to get going.  I'm going to go meet Chris at his apartment and we're going to go together and then maybe go dancing since I can finally get into a club!

Finn

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December 31, 2016

Dear Diary,

Oh my god, I haven't written in here since before my show!  A lot has happened I guess, well nothing too dramatic.  The show was awesome!  I sold every single painting!  I would have been happy if I'd sold like 1 or 2, but I had 18 paintings!  I only met a few of the buyers, some of them I'd met before and a few local collectors, but some guy came in and bought all the rest.  I saw him at the opening, but it wasn't anyone I recognized.  Chris said that sometimes collectors will come and buy up a bunch of an artist who is up and coming and hold onto them and when they get more famous resell them for a large profit.  I kind of wish the people who bought them were taking them home and enjoying them, not turning them into a commodity, but who knows.  At least people liked them and thought I had talent.

Okay...annual tradition.  My goals for 2017:

-Of course, MORE SHOWS!!!!

The other one is an idea I've been throwing around, but I haven't told anyone.  I think after this year I want to move back to California and transfer to U.C.L.A. if I can.  I did talk to my advisor and he doesn't think I'll have any problem getting in.  They have a good art program and the best part is that I'd be with Benji.  He'll be a senior while I'll be a sophomore.

I miss California and sometimes I find New York City a bit depressing.  Yes, it's a major art center, but so is L.A. and if I have a few more shows before I leave I'll have established a name for myself and I can still work with the galleries that like my stuff.  Benji's flying out tomorrow (YAY!) for a week, so I'm going to bounce the idea off him first, though I know once I tell him it's a done deal because he'll get all excited.

Oh, and I wouldn't have to feel guilty about leaving Jaime.  Declan has finally agreed to look into either adoption or a surrogate.  Jaime is so excited, he keeps telling me to get ready for my little brother or sister.  It would be sad to not be here for that, but I think I need to do this for me.

The more I think about it, the more excited I get!  California here I come!

Finn

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Dedicated to @ElliottJ27, one of my other teachers of what a journal or diary can be through his 'A Requiem of Mine'.