Chapter 16

Nico

I stood on the lower deck for a good 10 minutes after Finn was out of sight, staring into the black oblivion that was left in his wake.  An emptiness I felt physically by his fast departure.

What just happened?

Finn kissed me.

What do I make of this?

My body ached from the contradiction of the sensation of him pressing against me to the loss only minutes later.  It was like giving a starving man a bite of food and then taking it away.  I was okay when I was convinced nothing would ever happen like that again, but the small taste was unleashing a hunger so strong it was almost unbearable.

Finally I turned and headed back to my rooms for the night.  Unable to shake my confusion, I took a long shower and went to bed, hoping that something would make sense in the morning.  I was meeting Ajax for an early breakfast meeting with clients and then we were heading back to the office to go over some projections.  Maybe I would talk to him about it, get some brotherly advice.

The next morning I met Ajax just before the other arrived.   We had a quick chap on how to approach the meeting and the three men walked in.  They were on a short stopover heading overseas, so we met at a restaurant not far from the airport.  Ajax and I were well prepared and between the two of us, we had a very lucrative deal hammered out in no time.  When clients left to go catch their flight, I asked Ajax to stay back for a bit so we could talk.

"That's the way to do it," he beamed once they had left.  "We make such a good team Nico! Damn, I'm glad you're back."  Jax's enthusiasm was contagious as we both sat down with big smiles.  "When we get back to the office we'll finalize the paperwork with our lawyers and get it sent overnight to their next stop."

"Sounds great, what else do you have on our agenda for the day?"

"Not much, I have a few reports on some new ventures to show you, we're meeting with the department heads briefly at 10:30, so we can't stick around here too long, but we should be done before noon.  I'm meeting Benji for lunch if you want to join us?"

"No thanks, I was thinking of stopping by Finn's, I assume he's painting at his apartment today?"

"Yeah, his studio is all installed at his new apartment, so he should be working there.  Is Finn what you wanted to talk about?"

I nodded at Ajax, suddenly hesitant, was this something I should discuss or did Finn want it kept just between the two of us?

"How did things go after we left last night?"

"It went well, we talked about…that night, which wasn't easy for either of us, but it needed to be done.  He knows about Declan now too."

"You told him, I'm surprised."

"I told Finn I would never lie to him again, so when he asked directly, I answered him.  I made sure to emphasize that ultimately I was to blame.  He seemed to have figured it out anyway.  He and Declan have had a lot of problems in the past three years, Finn's always been smart and intuitive, it doesn't surprise me."

"Yeah, Benji told me he and Declan had issues, but he got along great with Jaime.  Jaime was good for him, otherwise I would have found a way to get him back here."

"I know that, he seemed to have flourished despite Declan anyway."

"How did it go…talking about…what happened that night?"

"Like I said, it wasn't easy, but he had opened up to me about what he went through and when he asked, I felt I owed him the same.  It was very cathartic, for both of us I think."

"Yeah, maybe now you can both put it behind you and move on."

"Jax…right before he left, Finn kissed me," I just blurted out.

"He kissed you?  Like, a real kiss?"

I nodded watching AJ's reaction carefully.

"How do you feel about that?"

"I'm confused.  I won't lie, it felt…well, I still have feelings for him, that never changed, so you can  imagine how it felt."

"Yeah, I'm sure I can.  So what happens next?"

"I don't know, we kissed and then he left on the speed boat, I don't know what he wants, it's his show now, he leads the way.  I can't, I don't want to push him into anything."

"You should talk to him, I don't want to see you…or him get hurt again…make sure you're both on the same page.  But no matter what, take it slowly Nico.  You've both been through a lot, and…so much has changed, for both of you.  You're two different people now."

"I know, that's why I thought I'd go see him, maybe see if he'll have lunch with me.  I guess, I need to know what he wants."

"Do you want to…" Ajax hesitated, looking deep in thought as if he were figuring out how to word his next question.

"Do I want to be his Dom?"

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm getting at."

"I told Finn and I'll tell you.  I’m no longer a Dominant and I never will be again.  That's why I had you sell the clubs.  I think it works great for you and Benji, you two are perfect together and I couldn't be happier, but after what happened, after the stuff at the club, all of the things that seemed to go wrong there, I can't go back to the lifestyle.  I don't trust myself to ever be that responsible for someone again, and I don't want to be.  If Finn and I are to be together again, it's as equals, in all manner of speaking."

"I actually think that's great Nico.  I don't think Finn wants to go back, he's changed so much, he's so independent, so mature and he has this air of ease about him, that you don't see much in people his age.  I wouldn't ever want to see that compromised.  If that's what you're looking for, I think you have a great chance to make it work.  I fully support whatever way you go bro, just keep me informed and let me know if there's anything I can do to help."

"Thanks.  I think that's what I needed to hear…that you're behind me."

"I always am and always will be brother.  You know that.  I love you."  Ajax stood up and I followed suit, as he grabbed me and gave me a huge bear hug.  It was a relief to know that my brother was behind me, no matter what happened.

"I love you too Jaxie.  And for the first time in three years…I finally feel…hope."

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It was almost 12:00 noon on the dot when I arrived at Finn's apartment.  It took several knocks before I heard the door being opened.  I had just been about to turn around and head back to my car. 

“Nico…hey,”  Finn said as he pulled the door open, he was barefoot in faded jeans and an old ripped T-shirt with paint splotches all over it.  I could hear music playing loudly in the background, which explained why it took a while for him to hear me.

“Are you busy…I thought I’d see if…”

“Hang on, Li, could you lower the music?” Finn called back into the apartment and my nerves shot up immediately; he had company.

“Sorry, you have company, I’ll just go.”  The music was suddenly lowered and we could hear each other better.

“No, no, we’re just painting. Sorry about the loud music, sometimes Liam and I like to rock out while we work, we get in a zone,” he said with a grin, “I'm glad you're here, come in, I want you to meet my protégé.”  I suddenly felt foolish as I remembered, Finn was teaching a young kid from the Boys Club to paint.  I stepped into his apartment and Finn closed the door behind me.  I followed him to the studio, which was now filled with easels, canvases, completed paintings and works in process.  Standing in the far corner, was a small boy, well, I guess he was a small young man, more accurately.  He peeked around the side of his large easel and when our eyes met he darted back behind it like a little mouse, which made me chuckle.  He was wearing a large, old button up shirt, like kids in art class, that hung down to his shins, old jeans and bare feet sticking out at the bottom.

“Liam, I’d like you to meet someone,” Finn called over to him.  Liam peeked back out and Finn held a hand out beckoning him over.  “It’s okay.”  Liam cautiously walked over, looking at Finn and then once he reached us, Finn put his hands on his shoulders and stood behind him, the small boy nervously looked down, then back up after Finn patted his shoulder, I saw two large blue doe-like eyes carefully assessing me.

“Liam, this is my good friend Nico.  Nico got me my first set of paints, brushes and canvases when I was only a little older than you.  I wouldn’t have become an artist if it wasn’t for him.”  Liam eyes widened and I gave him a friendly smile and felt pleased when I saw the sides of his mouth curve up slightly.

“That’s not quite true; I don’t think much would have stopped you Finn, your talent couldn't be held back.”

“He’s being modest,” Finn said quietly to Liam grinning.

Liam turned around and I could hear his quiet voice, “just like you’re doing for me.”  Finn squeezed his shoulders affectionately and nodded. 

"You're even better than I was at your age,"  Finn confided much to the small boy's chagrin.

“Will you show Nico your paintings while I throw my brushes in some cleaning solution?”

“I don’t want to interrupt the two of you, I just thought I’d see if you wanted to get some lunch.  I know you’re very busy getting ready for the show…"

“We were going to break for lunch anyway, I have a ton of cold cuts and fresh bread Liam and I picked up at the farmer's market this morning, so will you stay and have lunch with us?  Jonah's coming too; Jonah lives with Liam and his older brother Brett and their other friend Aiden, they share an apartment not too far from here.  Jonah said he'd be here a little after 12."

“If you’re sure I’m not intruding…”

“Not at all, I’d like you to stay,”  he said earnestly.  "Let me just get these taken care of."  Finn went over and grabbed his brushes, “do you want me to take yours too Li?”  The small boy nodded as he handed Finn his brush before he walked into an attached bathroom.

Liam stood nervously.  “Can I see what you’re painting Liam?”  He turned to me and nodded, walking over to the corner that seemed to be set up for him.

“Umm…You can’t let Finn see this one,” he whispered, “It’s a present for him for teaching me." I stepped around behind the easel as he lifted the cover. 

It was a beautiful portrait of Finn.  “A painting of Finn painting,” I whispered and he nodded quickly and put a finger up to his mouth in a shush gesture.

“It’s really great, he’ll love it," I whispered back, chuckling afterwards, "What’s your other one?”

He walked over to the one he was working on, “It’s Jonah and me, but you can’t tell him either, it’s his birthday present.”  I didn’t know what to think, the painting was incredible, they both were, but this one captured a very loving and intimate moment of a very handsome young man, laying down with Liam on his arm snuggled up next to him. The older boy, Jonah I presumed, had a hand lifted up several inches over his chest and Liam was reaching up as well, just their pinkies curled around one another.  Eyes full of love and smiles on their faces as they looked at their intertwined fingers as if they were sharing a secret or making a promise.

Finn walked out of the bathroom drying his hands on a towel. “It’s amazing, isn’t it,” he said. 

I looked at him questioningly and he gave me a look that said he’d explain later.  "It's stunning.  You really are incredibly talented Liam."  The small boy blushed. 

"Liam, why don't you throw your painting shirt into the hamper, I'm going to go put on a clean one myself."  Finn shrugged out of his shirt and did a little basketball move, tossing it into the hamper across the room.  "I'll wash up our painting clothes tonight and have them ready for tomorrow," he continued as the small boy unbuttoned the oversized shirt, leaving him in a purple T-shirt underneath. 

My eyes however were locked on Finn, his chest more sculpted with his growth over the last few years, he was stunning.  Slim, lithe…I had to turn away before I embarrassed myself by either staring too hard, or my veneration becoming obvious in another way.  I watched him walk out of the room in my peripheral vision and once he was gone I walked over to look at his painting.  The scene he was working on was the view from the ship just last night that he was so excited about.

 "Look familiar," he asked as he walked in, pulling a clean T-shirt over his head.

"Last night."

"Yeah, I have a whole series planned.  It was…quite inspirational."  Our eyes met and I looked closely to try to discern meaning from the ambiguous look on his face.  Liam had gone off to use the bathroom, but before I could say anything, we heard a knock at the door.  "That must be Jonah, can you cover Liam's painting?" he asked before he left the room to go greet his friend.  I walked over and carefully pulled the fabric down, making sure it didn't touch the paint. 

"Hey man," I heard Finn say as he opened the door.  The two of them were talking when Liam burst   out of the bathroom and ran out of the studio, I followed not too far behind.

"JONAH!" he yelled as he launched himself into the arms of the smiling young man.  "You left so early this morning for work, I didn't even get to say goodbye!"

"I know Li, I had the early shift, but at least I'm done for the day now."  Jonah hugged Liam tightly to his chest and kissed him on the head.  The affection they held for each other was so evident and  quite beautiful to watch; I knew just how Jonah felt as he looked down at the young boy. 

My gaze turned to Finn who was watching them with probably the same expression as me, suddenly he looked my way and it was like we both knew what the other was thinking.

"You guys hungry?" Finn asked and we all headed to the kitchen.  Everyone had a job to do, Liam set the table, I cut up some vegetables while Jonah and Finn made sandwiches. 

I found out that Jonah was starting University in the Fall and was hoping to become a doctor.  He seemed like a great kid and I remembered Ajax telling me that he was helping he and his friends in any way he could since they were on their own, and it dawned on me that this was the boy I had authorized grants for to supplement the scholarship he had already earned with his grades.  Another smart, hardworking kid like Finn who didn't let difficult circumstances keep him from pursuing his dreams.  I liked him already and would be sure that the grants he received were generous.

It was nice having a casual lunch and seeing Finn with his friends; funny and carefree. I was surprised, being the 'old guy' in the group, that they didn't make me feel that way, we all just talked like normal friends.  Well, Liam didn't say much, but it was cute to watch him hang on Jonah's every word.

"We're going to take off now Finn," Jonah said as he came out of the bathroom.  The boys had helped clean up after lunch and Liam had gone in to make sure his work area was neat and tidy.  I shook each of their hands and Finn gave each one a hug goodbye and discussed Liam's arrival for the next day.  I was still sitting on a stool at the island that separated the kitchen from the living room when he closed the door.  Finn came into the living room and flopped down on the couch.

"What are you doing this afternoon Nico?" he asked casually.

"I didn't really have any plans."

"We should do something fun."

"Like what?" I asked, hopping off the stool and walking over to the couch.  Finn was lying down so I picked up his feet and put them in my lap as I sat down.

"I've been wanting to go to Griffith Park, I heard its really cool and the view from the observatory is amazing.  I was thinking of bringing my camera and taking some pictures to use for painting ideas.  Do you want to come with me?  Then we could grab some dinner after or something…unless you have plans."

"Don't you need to paint?"

"I woke up at 4:00 this morning and started painting the one in there, the view from last night, so I've been painting for almost 8 hours.  My eyes need a rest and my legs need to do some walking."

There actually wasn't anything I'd rather do than spend the afternoon with Finn.  I'd already changed out of my suit into jeans and a casual shirt before I arrived.  "Yeah.  I'm up for that.  Do you want to take your car or mine?"

"What are you driving these days?" he asked, lifting his head with a smirk on his face.

"Jaguar…F-Type Convertible, just picked it up a few days ago."  I couldn't keep the smile off my face.  I was a car guy and Jaguars were my weak spot, and this ride…it was a sweet one.

"We'll take yours," he replied casually with a wink.

We got up, Finn put on some hiking boots and grabbed his wallet, keys, camera and his bag of sketching supplies.  My original plan of talking about last night flew out the window.  I was flying by the seat of my pants these days, going with the flow as they say.  Most importantly, I was letting Finn set the pace of whatever it was that was happening between us.  There would be plenty of opportunities for us to talk I now realized, and Ajax was right.  Take it slow.