Chapter 12

Nico

There was no way to prepare myself for opening the first page of Finn's journal and seeing that he had addressed his entries to me.  Seeing those two words, Dear Nico, it took me a moment to catch my breath before I could go on.  Then to read his pain, so evident in every line he wrote.

I guess everything was there I expected; anger, pain, sadness, despair.  It was just so much harder than I could have imagined to hear the words displayed on paper in Finn's handsome handwriting, even his cursive writing was a piece of art.

He said I gave up on him.  He was right.  I was a coward and I'll live the rest of my life regretting my actions; or inaction.  I deserved every bit of hatred he felt, every accusation, any and every name he could think of.  But he was wrong, it wasn't a lie.  My feelings for him were never a lie.  He changed me, he changed me from the very core of my soul and when I realized my true feelings for him, my life was re-oriented for eternity.  His happiness was my only focus and I honestly thought I was doing what was best for Finn.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I read each page, faced his pain.  I had done this to him, I had caused all this terrible suffering for my beautiful boy.  I remember hearing his voice when he left me messages, it was so unbearable I had to change my number.  Again, I was a coward.  I told myself that it was part of the agreement with Declan, I couldn't contact him in any way, but I couldn't bullshit myself for long.  I was weak.

In one entry he wondered if I still looked at the pictures of us together, how could I tell him I looked at them every single day since I was last with him.  Still, to this day, I look at them; on my laptop, on my phone, some I had printed and framed were throughout my rooms on Serenity.  Part of the reason I met him up on deck at lunch was so he wouldn't see them, what added up to a shrine in each of my rooms.  I hadn't anticipated that he would go through the Ballroom to the kitchen and see the paintings.  When I found him there, I felt dizzy with fear that he would be angry, that he would storm off the boat…that I had screwed up again.  The only thing I could do was tell him the truth, tell him exactly why I had to have them.  They were my lifeline.

He wondered if I regretted the day he walked into that restaurant; sixteen years old, sweet, innocent, naïve…and so beautiful.  How could I ever regret one second with Finn.  My only regret is that I was selfish, I wanted him for myself in a way that I shouldn't have.  I should have helped Finn, but not in the way I did.  That is my regret.  My selfishness is what caused him so much pain.

Tears that had stopped as I read about Finn and Benji traipsing around New York City, started flowing again as I read his last entry of 2014.  Where he was saying goodbye to me.  It was heartbreaking, but I also felt a sense of pride at his strength.  He had made a conscious choice to put the past behind him and live his life again.  Something I was never able to do.  Once again, I was in awe of the boy who had turned into an amazing young man.  How could I not be.

I turned the page to the new year and saw that he was now writing his entries to Dear Diary.  I took a deep breath, but wouldn't allow myself any pity.  I deserved any bit of difficulty there was to read this.  I owed Finn at least that. 

The new entries were like a rebirth of the Finn I used to know.  He was making friends, going to the movies, all the things a teenager should do.  Of course, reading about the boy he met, Henry, the one I saw him with that day in front of his school…that was hard.  It was hard and…good at the same time.  I never would have wanted him to end up like me, alone.  Alone and miserable.  I wanted him to have everything I took away.

I continued reading, actually smiling at some of the entries where Finn sounded happy and light hearted.  He had started painting again, he was meeting other artists, he got into a great Art school.  Things didn't work out with Henry, but he didn't seem too upset.  Then I felt my brow crinkle as I read about he and Chris.  Again, I had no right to feel anything about that.  Finn had his own life now and he was becoming more and more independent.  It was ridiculous I know, but I felt so proud of him.

When I finished reading I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes.  It was hard, but what a gift to be able to know exactly what had been going on in Finn's mind for the last 3 years.  I can't believe he let me read it.  I wondered what it meant, but I didn't dare let myself think that it was anything more than what it was.  We were working through our past to move forward as friends.  I knew it.  He was such a different person now, and there was no going back.

I thought back to the easy going day we had after our lunch.  Shopping with him was great.  I wanted to help him in any small way I could and even just giving advice on furniture was fine.  I'd take it.  The best part was showing up at Ajax's for dinner and the look on my brother's face.  Priceless.  Dinner was relaxed and easy going, lots of laughs.  I think we all needed it, and to put the darkness behind us was great.  I knew there was a lot for Finn and I to work through, even to get to friendship, but I was letting him take the lead and we would work our way there in small steps, taking light hearted breaks like this afternoon, along the way. 

Not only did I need to work towards a friendship with Finn, there was much repair work to be done between Ajax and I.  I had for the most part abandoned him as well.  He had started visiting me every few months after the first year, when I finally told him where I was, but I wasn't the brother I should have been.  I had a lot of fences to mend, but seeing Finn again and the way he was reaching out to me, gave me the strength to take the first steps.

I thought about Declan and whether I should tell Finn exactly what he had said 3 years ago, but I decided against it.  It made no sense to stir those feelings again and it felt more like an excuse.  I was willing to take responsibility for my actions and from reading his journal, I think Finn was able to make his own assessment of Declan.  It would be more beneficial to concentrate on making up for what I had done.

It was late.  Ajax had driven me back to the marina and was probably home by now.  Before I headed to bed I sent two texts. 

One to Finn:

Thanks for a great day.  -N

 And one to Ajax:

Go easy on your boy.  All's good.  Thanks for dinner bro.  -N.

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Benji

"I think I'm in trouble when Ajax gets home from dropping Nico off," I said to Finn nervously as we finished cleaning up the kitchen.

"Do you want me to talk to him?" he asked.

"No, I need to do this myself…but tell me about your day…you guys looked…happy when you came in."

"We were laughing in the car about what Ajax's face would look like.  The day was good.  We talked a little at lunch, didn't get too deep into things."  Finn put the clean plates back in the cabinet before he continued.  "Honestly, I can only take dealing with the past stuff in small doses.  It's long gone, I worked through most of it, and I don't want to get pulled back down into the…sadness, you know what I mean?"  I could relate, I was the King of putting off dealing with feelings.  How long did it take me to tell Ajax I loved him?

"I guess…so what are your intentions?  Heh…I sound like Nico's father."  Finn laughed as he finished what he was doing.

"Dude…I honestly don't know," he chuckled.  "I'm taking this one step at a time.  It feels good to have Nico…I guess you could say, back in my life.  I missed him so much and it feels…like going home when I'm with him.  I know it seems stupid."

"No, it doesn't!" I objected.  I hated when Finn, when anyone talked down about themselves or their feelings.  All feelings are valid.

"But we're both so different now," he continued.  "I don't know what I want, I don't know what he wants.  I have such a different life than I did when I was with him, it's not like I can jump back into all that.  I like who I am now and I don't want to change."

"What if he doesn't want you to change?" I wondered out loud.

"I don't know.  I guess we have to get to know each other again…as friends…and go from there.  One day at a time."

"In the meantime," he continued, tossing a dish rag at my head, "I'm just going to continue with my plans, move into my new apartment…keep working on the paintings for the show, get ready for school, work with Liam…and when we both have time, get to know Nico again."

"That sounds like a good plan, little bro."  God I loved this kid!  I grabbed him in a bear hug and hugged him so tight he started wheezing.  "Sorry, Dude."

We both turned as we heard the front door open.  Ajax was home.

"Night Banjo!"  Finn whispered, giving me a quick kiss on the lips before running toward the stairs.

"Don't call me that!" I growled.  I hate that nickname…it makes me think of that movie…squeal like a pig!

"Hey Boo," I called out as Ajax came into the kitchen.  His face was unreadable and he was reading a text on his phone.

"Hi Baby," he said evenly.  He's totally trying to psych me out with his 'I'm not going to let you know how I feel' tone.  Oh shit…it was working…

"I…I didn't…I don't know why I did it," I burst out.  "It just kind of happened, I…I don't know what I was doing.  I'm sorry Ajax, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done it, or I should have told you when the impulse hit me…oh my god, please don't hate me Ajax, I love you so much, please don't hate me!"

"Hey, hey, calm down."  Ajax came over and grabbed me in his arms, he held me against his body with one and the other caressed my face and the back of my head.  "I could never hate you baby, I love you, I love you so much."  He began giving me butterfly kisses all over my face and my heart rate started to calm down.

"Do I think it was something you should have taken into your own hands?  No.  But I'm not angry.  I understand why you did it.  I'm just glad it didn't explode in your face," he said soothingly.

I let out a hiccup as my breathing got back to normal.  "I should have talked to you first.  I know…"

"So this is why you had the panic attack yesterday?"  I nodded my head as my eyes burned a bit holding back tears.  "God, you should have told me, it would have saved you a lot of worry, all that time you thought…"

"I thought you would get so mad you'd kick me out," I snuffled.  Ajax grabbed a paper napkin off the counter and wiped my nose for me.

"When are you going to trust how much I love you?" he  asked.

"I dunno."  I shrugged my shoulders lightly and leaned my forehead into his shoulder.  I was so stupid.  He was right, I still had trouble trusting his love for me.  Was it because I didn't think I was worthy of love?  I'm a psychology major with the worst self-image.  I was a basket case.  How did I think I could help other people when I couldn't even help myself.

"Stop…I can feel all the negative thoughts pouring off you baby.  Just stop.  You are an amazing person, just stop beating yourself up.  Let's go upstairs and get your face washed.  It's getting late."

"Are you going to punish me?" I asked quietly.

"Of course I am baby, just how you like it."  Ajax gave me a smirk and winked his eye.  He looked at me with love in his eyes and I realized what a goof I'd been.  I started laughing and threw myself up into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist.

"I love you Jax.  I love you so much!  Thank you for loving me."

"It's easy loving you Benji, when will you finally realize that!"