[The stage lights go out. When the lights return, DAN SULLIVAN is cleaning a gun. MIKE CRAPO enters. They engage in an awkward conversation that was obviously scripted by people who want to defund the arts.]

MIKE CRAPO:

Well hey there Dan. What are you up to?

DAN SULLIVAN:

Just cleaning my gun.

MIKE CRAPO:

No way? (Pulls out his own gun from his waistband) I just did that this morning. Guns sure are great.

DAN SULLIVAN:

I like guns. They're neat. They're what separate us from all those other non-free countries. It's something no household should be without.

[To the tune of "Everybody Ought to Have a Maid" from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum. Note: There are a couple pauses during the song where dialogue occurs.]

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY HAS THE RIGHT TO SELF DEFENSE

EVERYBODY HAS THE RIGHT THERE'S NO PRETENSE

SO MENTION THAT TO THE HOUSE

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A FIREARM

TO SAVE THEMSELVES FROM DIRE HARM

(Cradling his gun)

AND PORTABLE AS A MOUSE.

OH, OH, WHAT AN HONORABLE MISSION

FILLING THE AMMUNITION,

FITTING IT IN

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO RIGHTEOUS,

PRIMER MEETS

FIRING PIN

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

SOMETHING TO RELY ON WHEN YOU'RE SHORT OF HELP

TO OFFER YOU THE SORT OF HELP

YOU NEVER GET FROM A SPOUSE:

RECRUITING AT THE PLAYGROUND,

AND LOOTING AT THE STORE FRONT

WE'RE SHOOTING AT THE CRIM'NALS

POLLUTING ALL THE ROADWAYS

REFUTING BILLS FROM THE HOUSE!

MIKE CRAPO:

OH, OH, WHAT AN HONORABLE MISSION

FILLING THE AMMUNITION,

FITTING IT IN

DAN SULLIVAN:

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SO RIGHTEOUS

MIKE CRAPO:

PRIMER MEETS

FIRING PIN.

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

MIKE CRAPO:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

DAN SULLIVAN:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO WAIVE A BACKGROUND CHECK

BOTH:

EXCEPT MAYBE A "BLACK"GROUND CHECK

WHO CARES IF COMMIES GROUSE

DAN SULLIVAN:

INSPIRING AT THE COLLEGE

MIKE CRAPO:

CONSPIRING AT DANCE CLUB

DAN SULLIVAN:

ACQUIRING AT THE WALMART,

MIKE CRAPO:

FIRING AT THE HOODLUMS –

BOTH:

AND BLOCKING ALL BILLS FROM THE HOUSE!

[During their dance, MIKE CRAPO accidentally fires his gun. MARCO RUBIO runs onstage, initially in a panic, but sighs of relief upon seeing his colleagues.]

MARCO RUBIO:

I heard a gunshot. I was initially worried that it might have been from one of (whispered) those people (normal voice) but now that I see it's just from two upstanding citizens, I've never been more relieved to see a gun.

DAN SULLIVAN:

Have you got one too, Rubio?

MARCO RUBIO:

(Pulling out his gun) A gun?

DAN SULLIVAN:

A gun.

MIKE CRAPO:

A gun

THREE:

A gun!

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HELP FIGHT TYRANNY

LIKE QUARTERBACKS UPON ONE KNEE

BRAINWASHING THE LIB HOUSE

MARCO RUBIO:

OH, OH, WHAT IF THE CHILDREN LISTEN

AND WANT TO COPY HIS SIN

GRUMBLING ABOUT

THREE:

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE DELIGHTFUL

MARCO RUBIO:

STOPPING HIM

DAN SULLIVAN:

KEEPING OUT

THREE:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN,

AND THEY SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO CONCEAL CARRY

CUZ WHAT ELSE IS A REAL CARRY?

IF NOT HIDDEN IN A BLOUSE

MARCO RUBIO:

THEY'RE GOADING US FROM THE DRIVEWAY,

DAN SULLIVAN:

FOREBODING US FROM THE SIDEWALK,

MIKE CRAPO:

SO WE'RE LOADING FROM THE BEDROOM.,

DAN SULLIVAN:

EXPLODING THEM ON THE FRONT PORCH

THREE:

BLOCKING ALL BILLS FROM THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!

[JIM INHOFE enters]

JIM INHOFE:

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

DAN SULLIVAN:

Only the greatest thing in America!

JIM INHOFE:

(Pulling out his own gun) A gun?

MARCO RUBIO:

A gun

MIKE CRAPO:

A gun

DAN SULLIVAN:

A gun

ALL:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN,

SOMETHING THAT'S EFFICIENT AND RELIABLE,

STURDY AND NON-PLIABLE,

(Cradling their guns)

AND PORTABLE AS A MOUSE

MIKE CRAPO:

OH, OH, ONCE ALL THE STAKES ARE HEIGHTENED,

THEY'RE GONNA BE SO FRIGHTENED,

RUNNING AROUND

MARCO RUBIO:

OH, OH, WOULDN'T IT BE DELIGHTFUL,

JIM INHOFE:

STANDING UP,

DAN SULLIVAN:

STANDING GROUND.

ALL:

EVERYBODY OUGHT TO HAVE A GUN,

AND THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO KEEP IT LOCKED AWAY

ASSEMBLING IT WOULD TAKE ALL DAY

AS PESKY AS A LOUSE

JIM INHOFE:

DEPRAVING IN THE BACKYARD,

MARCO RUBIO:

NOT CAVING AT THE BACK DOOR

MIKE CRAPO:

WE'RE BRAVING

IN THE LIVING ROOM,

DAN SULLIVAN:

AND SAVING ALL THE OTHER ROOMS

ALL:

AND BLOCKING ALL BILLS FROM THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!

THE HOUSE!