SEAN HANNITY:

Welcome to GOP Cabaret Night!

BILL O'REILLY:

It's good to see so many patriotic Americans out here tonight!

ANN COULTER:

Now, the left wants you to be afraid of that made up Coronavirus.

JEANINE PIRRO:

Or should we say, "China virus."

GLENN BECK:

But we knew those stay at home orders wouldn't keep you away!

CANDACE OWENS:

Those Dem governors who made them don't hold any real powers anyway.

TOMI LAHREN:

After all, Obama's dictatorship ended almost four years ago.

[The FOX NEWSIES cheer.]

ROBERT JEFFRES:

But we've got a real great show for you tonight. Packed with all your favorite senators.

LAURA INGRAHAM:

In case it wasn't obvious, that doesn't include Mitt Romney—fuck that traitor!

AINSLEY EARHARDT:

He called us up practically begging to let him sing his song about traditional family values, but we told him, anyone who votes "yes" on impeachment is no friend of ours—

BEN SHAPIRO:

(Interrupting) Hypothetically, if he had voted no, we might have invited him, but by voting "yes", he showed that he is being influenced by emotions and as we all know, facts don't care about your feelings and—

TUCKER CARLSON;

(cutting off BEN SHAPIRO because he's getting too long winded) But without further ado: They're here to give you the best show of the "plandemic" season after a long day of working with lobbyists. Please welcome the Republican Senators of the 116th United States Congress!

[As TUCKER CARLSON says his speech, the GOP SENATORS enter and pose behind the FOX NEWSIES. After the introduction, the FOX NEWSIES exit the stage, revealing the GOP SENATORS.]

[To the tune of "Hey Big Spender" from Sweet Charity. Note: If listening to the song, the dialogue section before singing is also included on the soundtrack.]

CINDY HYDE-SMITH:

Planned Parenthood rips babies apart and harvests their organs!

RAND PAUL:

Taxation is literally theft!

BEN SASSE:

But what about Americans who love their health insurance plans?

ROGER WICKER:

This is America, everyone should speak English!

MARSHA BLACKBURN:

How is a social worker supposed to arrest someone, hmm?

TIM SCOTT:

Kneeling is only for the cross.

TED CRUZ:

Why shouldn't there be school prayer? This is a Christian nation.

SHELLEY MOORE CAPITO:

Coal brings good jobs!

JOHN BARASSO:

Good guy with a gun

GOP SENATORS:

(pocketing their money) Shhh....

THE MINUTE YOU CAME TO THE HILL

I COULD SEE YOU WERE A MAN OF POSITION

A REAL BIG SPENDER

FROM JOBS TO PALESTINE

HEY, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE CONTROL OF ANY BILLS I MIGHT SIGN

SO WHICH ONES TO KEEP AND TO KILL

I COULD BE YOUR VOICE

BUT THAT DON'T COME FOR FREE

HEY BIG SPENDER

SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH ME

MIKE CRAPO:

DO YOU WANNA HAVE GUNS

PATRICK TOOMEY:

LET'S CONTINUE TO

GROUP 1:

GUNS

PATRICK TOOMEY:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

WHAT ABOUT BLACK ON...BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

DO YOU WANNA HAVE GUNS...GUNS...GUNS (REPEATING)

GROUP 2:

LET'S CONTINUE TO FRACK...FRACK...FRACK (REPEATING)

GROUP 3:

WHAT ABOUT BLACK ON

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

JOHN HOEVEN:

Look at the stock market

CHUCK GRASSLEY:

There's no harm in...

GROUP 2:

Frack

JOSH HAWLEY:

Those abortionists

MARCO RUBIO:

It will trickle down

GROUP 1:

Guns

JODI ERNST:

No one talks about

JOHN CORNYN:

There's way more black on

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GOP SENATORS:

HEY BIG SPENDER

HEY BIG SPENDER

THE MINUTE YOU CAME TO THE HILL

I COULD SEE YOU WERE A MAN OF POSITION

A REAL BIG SPENDER

FROM JOBS TO PALESTINE

HEY, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE CONTROL OF ANY BILLS I MIGHT SIGN

SO WHICH ONES TO KEEP AND TO KILL

I COULD BE YOUR VOICE

BUT THAT DON'T COME FOR FREE

HEY BIG SPENDER

SPEND A LITTLE TIME WITH ME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

GROUP 1:

GUNS

GROUP 2:

FRACK

GROUP 3:

BLACK CRIME

LINDSEY GRAHAM:

How about you step into my office?