[The curtain opens. Several FOX NEWSIES are gathered around a table "researching" news stories.]

[To the tune of "Carrying the Banner" from Newsies.]

ED HENRY:

Look!

UNREST IN QATAR!

ANN COULTER:

WE'LL BLAME OBAMA

ERICK ERICKSON:

NO WAY THE VIEWERS KNOW FOR SURE

TOMI LAHREN:

WE'RE BOTH AN INFO SOURCE AND DRAMA

BRIAN KILMEADE:

Not according to Hillary

FOX NEWSIES:

Who asked her?

[The rest of the FOX NEWSIES enter and prepare for their individual segments.]

SEAN HANNITY:

FROM BIBLE BELT RIGHT TO THE GREAT PLAINS THERE'S EASY PICKIN'S GUARANTEED

BEN SHAPIRO:

WE FOCUS ON THE STOCK MARKET GAINS

THANK GOD THEY'D RATHER WATCH THAN READ

TUCKER CARLSON:

IT'S A CROOKED GAME WE'RE PLAYIN',

ONE WE'LL NEVER LOSE

LONG AS DONALD TRUMP KEEPS SAYIN'

OTHERS ARE FAKE NEWS

FOX NEWSIES:

AIN'T IT A FINE LIFE FABRICATING STORIES THROUGH IT ALL

A MIGHTY FINE LIFE FABRICATING STORIES TOUGH AND TALL

WHEN THE SHOW STARTS

ONE THINGS THAT'S OF COURSE IS

WE COME OUT LIKE FORCES

SURE BEATS VETTING SOURCES

WHAT A FINE LIFE FABRICATING STORIES HOME FREE ALL

NEIL CAVUTO:

Well, if it isn't Bill O'Reilly. I thought you were old news.

BILL O'REILLY:

No, I'm not gonna let that "me too" culture cancel me.

NEIL CAVUTO:

He's back. Talk about the enemy of political correctness.

BILL O' REILLY:

The media would never get rid of me. I got personality.

IT TAKES A SMILE THAT SPREADS LIKE BUTTER

THE KIND THAT TURNS A LADY'S HEAD

STEVE DOOCY:

IT TAKES JOE BIDEN'S AWFUL STUTTER

JEANINE PIRRO:

HE'S LOST HIS MIND –

CANDANCE OWENS:

It's true–

AINSLEY EARHARDT:

Vote red!

FOX NEWSIES:

SUMMER'S HOT AND WINTER'S FREEZIN' IF YOU CHECK OUTDOORS

GLOBAL WARMING HAS NO REASON, 'CEPT CLOSING DOWN STORES

STILL IT'S A FINE LIFE FABRICATING STORIES WITH MY CHUMS,

A MIGHTY FINE LIFE ,SHIFTING ALL THE BLAME TO THOSE HOODLUMS

GLENN BECK:

Hey!

WHAT'S THE HOLD UP?

MAKE LIKE PAPARAZZI, INSULT FEMINAZIS

FOX NEWSIES:

JUST BRING UP BENGHAZI.

WHAT A FINE LIFE FABRICATING STORIES THROUGH THE...

[STEVE DOOCY begins to interview a CHURCH CHOIR.]

CHURCH CHOIR:

BLESSED WHITE MEN, THOUGH THE LEFT WANTS YOU TO BE JAILED

JESUS LOVES YOU. YOU SHALL BE HAILED.

[ {{ }} symbols denote a section that is sung simultaneously with other sections]

{{TUCKER CARLSON:

GAY FOLKS,

PRIDE MARCH,

SHAMELESSLY LIVING LIVES OF SIN,

WAR ON CHRISTMAS,

DON'T LET THEM WIN}}

{{CHURCH CHOIR:

BLESSED WHITE MEN, AH. JESUS LOVES YOU, AH}}

{{LAURA INGRAHAM:

"SAFETY" IS HOUSE ARREST

BEN SHAPIRO:

WHITE MEN ARE SO OPPRESSED

BILL O'REILLY:

BARRACK WAS BORN IN KENYA

MEGYN KELLY:

THEY'VE GOT A BLACK SANTA

ROBERT JEFRESS:

DON'T TRUST THE SODOMITES

JEANINE PIRRO:

MUST TRUST THE DIOCESE

CHARLES PAYNE:

HOW DARE THEY STRIP OUR RIGHTS

ANN COULTER:

LET'S BLAME ALL THE CHINESE

GRETCHEN CARLSON:

THE LEFT ARE PARASITES

LAUREN GREEN:

THEY MADE THIS FAKE DISEASE}}

SEAN HANNITY:

IF I NEED A HEADLINE

I'LL MAKE UP A HEADLINE

TUCKER CARLSON & SEAN HANNITY:

AND I'LL SAY ANYTHING I HAVE'TA,

'CUZ IF IT SOUNDS EXCITING, WE CAN START INCITING

TUCKER CARLSON, SEAN HANNITY, ANN COULTER & GLENN BECK:

VIEWERS AIN'T GONNA FACT CHECK AFTER

{{GROUP 1:

GOT A FEELIN' 'BOUT SEGMENT! I CAN LEAD A SEGMENT!

STOCKS ARE GONNA SELL LIKE WE'RE JUST GIVIN' 'EM AWAY!

I SAY THE DEMS HAVE GOTTA LOSE IT WHAT I SAY THERE'S NO EXCUSES

AND THAT'S HOW TO MAKE FOX NEWS' DAY!}}

{{GROUP 2:

MY WORLD VIEW! SO IT MUST BE TRUE!

"SHE'S A BITCH" SOON WE'LL ALL BE RICH!

DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER WAY TO MAKE FOX NEWS' DAY}}

FOX NEWSIES:

WE'RE GONNA HAVE A REAL HIT SEASON

WE'LL COVER WAR CRIMES LIKE "TAN SUIT"

[An INTERN pokes their head out from the side of the stage.]

INTERN:

HOW 'BOUT A CROOKED ACT OF TREASON?

[SEAN HANNITY pushes the intern back offstage.]

FOX NEWSIES:

HEY LOOK THIS PANDA'S SNEEZE IS CUTE!

ALL ACROSS DONALD TRUMP'S NATION

YOU CAN WATCH OUR SHOW

WE CONTROL THE INFORMATION

WE WANT YOU TO KNOW!

{{GROUP 1:

BUT WE'LL BE OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES MAN TO MAN.

WE'RE ALWAYS OUT THERE CHERRY PICKING FACT'S AS BEST WE CAN.

HERE'S THE HEADLINE: FOX IS ON A MISSION!

KILL THE COMPETITION! KEEP FOLKS IN SUBMISSION

WE'LL BE OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!

SEE US OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!

ALWAYS OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!}}

{{GROUP 2:

GOT A FEELIN' 'BOUT SEGMENT! I CAN LEAD A SEGMENT!

STOCKS ARE GONNA SELL LIKE WE'RE JUST GIVIN' 'EM AWAY!

I SAY THE DEMS HAVE GOTTA LOSE IT

WHAT I SAY THERE'S NO EXCUSES,

THERE AIN'T ANY BETTER WAY TO MAKE FOX NEWS' DAY!

I WAS CHECKING OUT THE CONGRESS,

AND THEN SOMEONE SAID THAT COMEY'S GONNA TALK,

BUT WHEN I GET THERE, THERE'S THIS SCHLOCK WITH NONE TO SHOW ME

NOW, THE DEMS ARE GONNA EAT UP ALL THIS CROCK LIKE THEY DON'T KNOW ME!

WE AT LEAST DESERVE A STORY FOR THEIR EGREGIOUS TAXATION

JEEZ, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S UP TO ALL OF US TO SAVE THE NATION}}

FOX NEWSIES:

WE'LL ALL BE OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES FOR THE MAN

WE'RE ALWAYS OUT THERE CHERRY PICKING FACT'S AS BEST WE CAN

HERE'S THE HEADLINE:

FOX IS ON A MISSION!

KILL THE COMPETITION!

KEEP FOLKS IN SUBMISSION

WE'LL BE OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!

SEE US OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!

ALWAYS OUT THERE FABRICATING STORIES!

AH, AH, AH, GO!