Oh my gosh, we've reached this point. This chapter. This chapter right here. 

Just 1,000 words of roadtrip travel.

Well. More than 1,000. But still.

More like 3 times 1,000. But still.

I really like the quote above.

Time to do what all my favorite shows are doing right now and have all the characters break open and pour out all their inner turmoil.

Well, May is Mental Health Awareness Month (when I'm writing this and all my favorite shows are coming out).

Well ... we'll just see how this goes.

Enjoy! :)

---------------------------------

Sean and Antonio spend the night in their current hotel room--the drive back to Campania is a full day trip, and is going to take awhile.

Antonio falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Sean can't sleep at all.

How does he tell Antonio that tomorrow is his last full day in Italy?

He was able to cancel his flight that would have left before the Milano Pride Parade. But the only flight to Brooklyn with open seats in the next two weeks is July 4th, and that's two days from now. It's a flight that leaves at 11:00 am. And ... Sean bought a ticket for a seat on that plane.

The thing is, he's conflicted.

Very conflicted.

He was only supposed to stay here a week. See the sights, eat pizza and pasta, drink authentic coffee, maybe meet other tourists, practice Italian.

He was not planning on this.

He was not planning on meeting someone like Antonio.

He was not planning on spending most of his vacation following Antonio around, seeing Italy the way Antonio sees it. Wasn't planning on the Amalfi Coast, Herculaneum, Milano Pride.

He was not planning on falling for Antonio.

However, he finds that he wouldn't want it any other way. He wouldn't change a single thing that happened this week.

Still, their time together is coming to an end, and he's not sure how he feels about that.

There's nothing productive about thinking about everything right now, Sean reasons. I need sleep.

And so, gradually, eventually, he falls asleep.

---------------------------------------------------------

"Buongiorno, sleepyhead."

Sean groans.

"Yeah, I don't wanna be awake either, but I kinda stole a guy's expensive gold watch and we need to go before the catch us."

"WHAT?!" Sean sits up immediately.

Antonio grins. "I'm glad that worked."

"Why, you-"

"Ah, ah, ah." Antonio covers Sean's mouth before Sean can curse Antonio out. "I said it worked, right?"

Sean rolls his eyes.

Antonio removes his hand and gets up. "But really, we do need to go."

Sean sighs. "I know."

---------------------------------------------------

"Depends on how many stops we make, but we should get back before it gets too late," Antonio says once they hit the road after breakfast.

Sean doesn't say anything, just rests his head against the window.

"I almost forgot," Antonio continues, "Do you have a plan once we get back to Campania?"

"I could just spend the night at your place, and figure the rest out tomorrow morning," Sean answers, still with his head resting against the window. "If that's okay with you, that is."

"Oh yeah, that's good idea. I like your thinking." He glances at Sean when he doesn't say anything else. "You tired?"

Sean doesn't even try to deny it. "Yeah."

"It's okay. I get it. You can sleep if you want--or if you can. I know that I can never fall asleep in cars. But hey, if you can, go right ahead. I'll wake you up before lunch," Antonio tells him cheerfully.

Suprisingly, it only takes a few minutes for Sean's eyelids to grow heavy, and suddenly he's asleep again.

--------------------------------

True to his word, Antonio wakes Sean up at 12:30 pm--right when he parked the car outside a restaurant.

"How long was I asleep?" Sean asks wearily.

"A good three, four hours," Antonio replies.

"Were you driving that whole time?"

"Nah, I stopped in a couple places. I needed the breaks. Plus, there were awesome views that I knew you would enjoy, but I didn't want to wake you, so I took time to take lots of pictures."

Sean smiles. He loves how thoughtful Antonio is. "Maybe you can show them to me when we have lunch."

Antonio brightens. "Sure!" Then he grins with amusement. "You may need more caffeine than food, though."

----------------------------------------------

Sean feels better after all that sleep plus some good food (and lots of caffeine) in his system. He's definitely in a better mood than he was earlier this morning.

And now as they start driving again, he asks a question that he's been dying to ask for a few days now--a question that he's been dying to ask even more since they went to Milano Pride.

He really just wants to blurt out, Are you gay? But that probably wouldn't be the best way to ask, so he chooses his words delicately.

"What did Milano Pride mean for you?"

Antonio hesitates.

Sean bites his lip, nervous for how Antonio takes the question.

"The only thing I like better about the United States than Italy is that in the United States gay people can get married," Antonio says at last. "In Italy, same-sex unions are recognized, but ... there aren't as many gay rights as there are in America. It just makes me mad that Italy is so far behind in Europe when it comes to being open and accepting about that kind of stuff, you know? So seeing people like me come together to celebrate ourselves? I can't get enough of that. It's powerful. It's very, very powerful. Because it shows that we're here, and we're not going away. And I guess I want to be a part of that message."

Sean takes all that in.

"Do you identify as gay or do you use a different term?" he asks quietly after couple moments.

Antonio thinks about it for a moment. "It really depends," he answers at last. "Some days, I go by gay. Sometimes, I just stick with queer. I don't really know how to define it. I just know that I'm not straight."

"Same," Sean agrees. "About knowing that you aren't straight. I usually just stick with the term gay. It fits me best."

"And that's okay too," Antonio says. "everyone gets to choose how they identify themselves."

Sean has opened up to very few people about this topic. And now here he is, with someone he barely knows, opening up about this. 

"The thing is, America has a long way to go too," Sean mentions. "Yes, gay marriage is legal, but every state has its own opinion on marriage and adoption rights and all this other stuff. And not to mention homophobia and transphobia."

"Yeah, both of those are pretty bad, everywhere." Antonio purses his lips. Then, quietly, he murmurs, "I don't tell many people this, but I don't always feel like I'm totally cisgender. There's this term I found recently, demiboy, where you sometimes feel like a boy, sometimes not, and ... I think that's me."

Sean says nothing at first. He recognizes just how scary it is to open up to someone about something like that.

"That's really cool that you were able to find a term for that," Sean says finally. "I'm grateful that the queer community has so many different names for sexualities and genders, so everyone can find a word and community that they identify with and can feel a sense of belonging."

A wave of relief washes over Antonio's face. "Thank you so much for saying that. I ... I wasn't entirely sure how that would go." He lets out a sigh. "Grazie al cielo."

Sean smiles. "Of course." He pauses. "Have you had bad experiences coming out to people in the past?"

Antonio hesitates.

Sean realizes that may be a little too much. "Sorry. You don't have to say anythi-"

"-It's more like I'm used to telling people something about me and they either don't believe me or they stop liking me," Antonio says at last. He sighs. "I'm queer. No matter where I am, being queer is never easy. I've only told a couple people about being demiboy--and I don't yet entirely know if I even am that, I'm still figuring it out--and everyone has turned it down and said it doesn't exsit, because if they've never heard of it, surely it doens't exist. And I have ADHD, and yeah, America has a long way to go to being accepting of people who are neurodivergent, but it's better than Italy. At least America--for the most part--recognizes that ADHD exists. In Italy, it's a lot harder. And, any time I try to tell someone any of this, they dismiss it, turn me down, and eventually are no longer around."

"Thank you for telling me all of this," Sean murmurs. "I know how hard it is to talk about things like this. Especially when it comes to your identity."

"The thing is, you're different," Antonio says. "Out of all the people I've ever opened up to, you're the only one who has accepted it all. So ... grazie mille for that, you know?"

"Hey, it's only what a decent person would do."

"Yeah, it is, isn't it?" Antonio lets out a dry laugh. "It's sad how too many see the bare minimum of decency worthy of praise."

"It is." Then Sean asks, "so ... are there any pronouns for you I should be using?"

Antonio glows a little beside him. It makes Sean happy to see him light up like that, but it also hurts him to think that not many people actually ask this.

"He/him is probably still fine, but I also kinda like he/they in the moment."

"Got it."

The conversation ends, and there's a couple moments without anything else to say.

"Why did you keep me around all week?" Antonio blurts. "I still don't get it. "

"Why not?"

"It's just..." Antonio trails off, then sighs. "I don't know. I drive everyone away eventually. And after spending pretty much a whole week with you...wait, this is actually day eight, isn't it?--how did that happen??--anyway, we've been spending nearly full eight days together, and I would have thought by now you would have lost interest in me."

"I don't know who these people are in your past that you say grew tired of you easily," Sean says, "but whoever they are, they're out of their minds. And I think for the most part, you're just choosing the wrong people to be around. See, it's them that's the problem."

Antonio smiles. "Davvero?" It's one of his hopeful smiles that goes with his hopeful tone, when he wants to believe, but isn't there yet.

"Davvero."

That seems to be good enough for Antonio.

"So why do you keep me around?" Sean challenges. "I'm just an American tourist with little knowledge of culture. You were just living your life in Campania when I came along and made you take me to everything. And here we are now, driving from Milan, which is eight hours away from Campania, and I'm still with you. Why?"

"Because you're one of the most intriguing people I've met," Antonio answers immediately. "I was the one who made the weird move of singing a song that's made for a duet but singing it solo. And you? You came along and sang this song that clearly isn't your native language. Word-perfect, pitch-perfect, just adding pure harmony. I knew I had to know someone like you. And I'm glad I did get to know you. I'm glad that in this past week I've shown you Italy how I've seen it, and never once have you been disappointed or disinterested. You're open to everything I suggest, and have enjoyed it all. And you've never judged me. At all. And ... I've never met anyone like that. And we've just gotten along so well this week, it's insane. It's like we were meant to find each other."

Sean has no words. Truly. That ... that was a lot.

And if there's one thing he's learned about Antonio, it's that Antonio is always genuine in everything he's passionate about.

And he feels the connection too.

And it's just like that song that brought them together: they're a part of una cosa più grande.

"This is getting a little deep, isn't it?" Antonio asks after a few moments of silence.

"Kind of. But hey, it's healthy to talk about deep things. At least, I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere."

"Same, but I don't know if there's anything out there on how long a deep conversation needs to go on for." He glances at Sean. "Wanna put some music on?"

"Sure. Any suggestions on what we should listen to?"

Antonio grins. "Man, I have the most awesome travel playlist there is."

Sean laughs.

They set it up.

La Stagione Del Cancro E Del Leone by Tommaso Paradiso starts playing.

And their drive continues.

------------------------------------------------------

The playlist ends eventually. Sean enjoyed listening to it, and knows he'll have to look up some of the songs later.

Some of the notable songs include Tirannosauro rex by Jovannotti, Ti Amo Non Lo So Dire by Noemi, and Il Gato E La Volpe by Edoardo Bennato.

There was also lots of Cesare Cremonini, Alvaro Soler, Roberto Vecchioni, Andrea Bocelli, and Luciano Pavarotti.

And of course, Una Cosa Più Grande by Ermal Meta and Giuliano Sangiorgi. They sang along to it passionately.

There were other music artists who weren't Italian--some Sean knew, some he didn't. Some recognized were artists like Kenny Rogers, Lady Gaga, The Beach Boys, Lorde, Elton John (one of Sean's favorites), and Cavetown.

Antonio jokes that he's just glad that Sean liked his taste in music, saying that he's often judged for it. Sean tells him that he's often judged for his music taste too.

They have about an hour left of the drive.

Sean is finally ready to tell Antonio about his flight.

"I leave Italy on the fourth of July," he confesses.  "I was able to cancel my original flight so we could go to Milano Pride, but ... I do need to get back to Brooklyn, and the best option was a morning flight back to New York July 4th."

Antonio purses his lips. "That's tomorrow."

Sean swallows. "Yeah."

"So this is our last day together."

Why does this hurt so much? "Yep."

"When is the flight scheduled?" Antonio asks quietly.

Sean bites his lip a little. "11:00 am."

"Where does the flight depart from?"

"Naples."

"Okay, so not too far away."

"Not too far away," Sean echoes. 

Antonio says nothing.

Sean feels like he's letting Antonio down.

But it was never realistic that Sean was going to stay in Italy forever.

"Sorry." He still feels like he needs to apologize.

Antonio waves one hand dismissively. "No, no, it's okay. I mean, I knew that this would happen, I knew you weren't staying for that long, but ... it still feels so soon, you know? I had it in my head that we had more time."

"Me too," Sean agrees. "Can't believe I've been here a week--a week and a day."

"Why did you plan on coming for only a week?" Antonio asks curiously.

Sean shrugs. "I don't know. Guess I wanted to get away without spending too much time away." He looks out the window, at everything. "I guess I didn't know that there was so much I should see."

"Yes, how could you be so thoughtless?" Antonio reprimands light-heartedly. "You only gave yourself a week to see all of Italy, but no tour guide and only one hotel in one province. Bad planning, amico. Bad planning."

They both chuckle at that.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't end up as a clueless tourist all week without a tour guide," Sean says. "I ended up picking the best one there is."

"Aww, really?"

"Really."

"Davvero?"

"Davvero."

Antonio grins. "Thanks for always saying that to me. I know it shouldn't mean that much, but I really like it."

"You know? I like it too."

"Things are gonna be different without you around," Antonio changes the subject. "Who am I going to sing on-the-spot duets with?"

Sean chuckles. "Maybe you'll have to start singing songs that don't require duets."

"True."

"Yeah, just wait until I come back before you try to sing any duet songs by yourself."

"Alright. You'd still want to sing a duet with me?"

"Always."

Time passes. As it always does.

Finally, they reach Antonio's house. Sean's actually never been inside; just been outside a couple times.

It's been a few days since Sean has been in Campania.

This is where he started his trip. And this is where he'll end it.

"Alright." Sean checks his watch. "It's ... getting close to five, so I think we made good time today on the road."

He's about to get out of the car, when he notices Antonio staring at him with a smile of fondness and sadness, and an expression Sean can't totally explain.

He stops and turns to face Antonio. "What is it?"

"It's just that I like you," Antonio says. "I really, really like you."

Sean smiles too.

Both are happy in this moment. Both know that this is going to end really, really soon.

------------------------------------------

My heart can't take this aching-

I started getting emotional writing this starting with Sean telling Antonio that he was leaving the next day. I mean, I was getting feels planning it out and writing earlier chapters, but I didn't *actually* feel it until then. And still now.

Sweet, sweet, bittersweet.

Can you tell I like talking about my music interests haha

Also. If there are things that Race/Antonio is not, it's straight, cis, and neurotypical; and I stand with the headcanon. So ... yeah, I found a way to write it all in. For me, Race/Antonio is queer. There's ... no further discussion. I realized a little too late that I forgot to write him as trans/genderqueer, so this time I'm trying the demiboy headcanon, and from my view, it works with the story. And throughout the story, he's shown symptoms of ADHD, so that didn't come out of no where. He's not straight, not cis, not neurotypical. And I am ... not straight, not cis, not neurotypical. And the world hates us for not being just one of those things.

Oh--and I stand with the Italian Racetrack headcanon too. Then he's even more like me.

Anyway, what do you all think of any/all of those headcanons?

I can't begin to describe what they mean to me. And how people like me, people like Antonio ... we're used to being the liability, the one who pushes people away. Until we find someone like Sean, who stays.

But ... yeah, I can't believe this story is coming to an end. Tomorrow, Sean leaves, and this story is gonna end.

I'm not ready for that.

But ... we have something to get through before Sean is at the airport. Something very important.

You see, it's only late afternoon/early evening there. They still have time together in the evening.

And what happens to the sun in the late evening/early night? Hmmmm? ;)

I should have known this would turn out to be what is now 2800 words.

... A little over 3000 ... 3100 ....

Please, no homophobia, profanities, hate etc in the comment section.

Best,

~Your Beloved Author (who has been reading/watching a lot of books/shows where characters are given new development by breaking them open and having them feel deep emotions, and they guess that their emotions from that kinda got fueled into here)