for anyone who is reading this and never saw the original "why ive been so fuckin emo lately" im sorry, i removed it because "bri" has wattpad and might see it.

so anyways, we're still not talking. she was supposed to facetime me like a month ago so we could talk about it but she never did and i wasnt gonna bother reaching out for her again. i also completely pulled out of that friend group and only talk to one person in it.

this chapter wasnt meant to be an update on the situation, but i thought id share anyways. its more for the update on my feelings.

i definitely still miss her on the down low. it sucks to hear her laughing with someone that's not me. ive never had someone (who knows me like you do, the way you doooo) who understands my humor, jokes, and personality like she did. but you know, a lot of time passed, and im realizing that she really didnt understand the deeper parts of it, like the things that made me feel like shit and why. she didn't understand because she didn't care to find out. im only good for her when im in a good mood.

when we texted every day i would sometimes say something a tiny bit depressing or salty where an observant friend would go "oh what's wrong" or some shit but she always reacted like uncomfortably to the point where instead of pushing it id just change the subject and she'd start responding normally again. im not saying i should expect to her to always know what im feeling just by reading texts but sometimes id blatantly say something and she'd get awkward

also, i cant say i miss a single person from that friend group. in the beginning of eighth grade, looking at the group from outside, they seemed like the coolest people who had the most fun all the time. i wanted to be a part of that. now that im out of it again, they're just obnoxious, self centered kids who all have talents and intelligence that'll probably go to waste.

losing the majority of my friends truly sucked. it did. but if that fight had never happened, i would still be struggling and feeling like i never quite belong. i would continue forcing a square peg in a round hole hoping that eventually it would be worn down and just fucking fit. but i dont want to be worn down. i dont want to become a vapid, narcissistic person. i want to hang out with people who will make me feel happy in my own skin, and not like i have to change to be liked. if it never happened, i probably wouldnt have ever had the courage to leave and find better people. i would have ended up sulky all the time, waiting on an invite that'll never come.

so thanks, bri, for being a total fucking bitch to me. it helped more than you would realize. but also? fuck you. fuck you for never caring about my feelings, fuck you for abandoning me all the time when someone better came along, fuck you for not treating me like i treated you, and fuck you for not even putting an effort into making up with me after saying that you would.

and that, folks, is all she wrote.

((p.s. if anyone is curious, i have made some new friends. im not super close to anyone but i can usually form some sort of plans over the weekend. im feeling a lot better about life than i was before.))